I came out to my parents over the weekend, and while they took it well, there are obviously some questions and confusion. My mother said she, understandably, couldn't see what my motivation for transition was. I tried to explain it as best I could, and I figured I'd share it here. This is probably more for my own benefit (just letting this stuff out into the open is incredibly cathartic), but maybe it'll resonate with any passers-by who take the time to read it.
My motivation:
I completely sympathize that this is confusing. It's taken me more than two decades to come to understand this, and I don't expect anyone to really grasp the motivation behind transition without struggling. I think it's even more complicated in our case because I've been very distant over the past several years, and I'm not sure you really know the person I've grown into. I'll try to honestly describe my current life to you. It's always been hard for me to show the real me so some of this might be surprising, but it's become easier since I've started accepting myself and I think I'm ready to open up.
Looking back, I can remember becoming especially withdrawn and depressed as I went through puberty. I've done my best to hide it over the years. It made me uncomfortable to let anyone know, so I've done my best to smile and put on a happy face, but it's not me. It's gotten worse as I've gotten older. Since I've left college, I do not socialize at all outside of the internet, and I barely even talk with anyone at work. I have no friends in the area, and I've not been able to go out and meet anyone because I get too anxious at the thought. I spend most nights playing video games and usually drinking, trying to just escape from my own head. I started having panic attacks where I though my heart was failing. Frankly, it's been miserable.
After some soul-searching, I realized that much of my anxiety came from fear. I was afraid of socializing because I was embarrassed by my personality, which I viewed as unacceptably effeminate for our society. As I mentioned earlier, I was harassed and physically assaulted when I was young for being 'girly'. As a result, I've built a sort of "shell of maleness" around my personality. I learned to "pass" in our culture as a boy, at least enough to avoid harassment from my peers, but I'm not being myself. Everything I say and everything I do is filtered, and it's exhausting. I'm constantly anxious that I'll say something that crosses the line and someone will find out that I'm not masculine. I'm not being my authentic self, and after more than two decades of it, I can't take anymore.
About a year ago I realized this and started tearing the shell down. After all, I'm no longer a kid on the playground surrounded by mean spirited children who are empowered by a hyper-religious/conservative culture that paints all things "different" as shameful, sinful abominations. I'm an adult, surrounded by intelligent and open-minded people who have learned to accept people who differ from them, and understand that we are people, not monsters. Times have changed, and I started to finally feel comfortable taking my shell off. So what if I'm a little girly, who cares -- right?
However, as I've started peeling away the layers of defense that hid my personality, I've found that there's more to it than I thought. My desire to be 'girly' goes beyond my personality. I prefer women's clothing to men's. I like make-up. I hate my male body hair. I like being socially accepted and viewed by others as female. A flood of these feelings and desires came pouring out.
This alarmed me, as I'm sure it would anyone. I've noticed these things off and on over the years, but they terrified me and I denied them to myself. I didn't want to be a "->-bleeped-<-". I tried to push them out of my head and scold myself that I need to act like a boy. I've laid in bed at night crying, telling myself to "stop being a f****t." But the feelings never really went away. In the last several months, I've accepted that I have a strong, inexplicable desire to be a woman, and that it wasn't going to just 'go away on it's own'. It was hurting me as I ended up fighting with myself over how I "should" feel, and I became more withdrawn and started developing unhealthy habits trying to escape from it. While I never made any attempts or gave it any serious thought, suicidal thoughts were starting to dance around the edges of my mind. I couldn't keep fighting with myself any longer.
So instead of doing anything drastic, I started doing some research instead. I was still far too ashamed of these feelings to tell anyone, but I found some online support groups where people shared stories that were nearly identical to my own. These people were transgendered and most, if not all, had positive outcomes from reaching out for treatment. I found and read the WPATH Standards of Care and some various research on ->-bleeped-<- that explained why people like me feel this way. I learned that medical research has shown that people who experience these feelings (at such extremes as I've experienced) almost invariably benefit specifically from receiving cross-hormone therapy. I found that autopsies have shown transsexuals to have brain structures that are female and clinical evidence strongly supports that people like me are wired to run on estrogen, not testosterone. Knowing the medical side of it helped dispel the shame and guilt, and I located a therapy center that specializes in gender issues and started working through these feelings with my therapist, my wife, and my support group. After taking a very hard look at the consequences and weighing my options, I've chosen to try the hormone therapy.
This isn't about satisfying some fanciful whim to be a woman. This isn't a perverse sexual desire. This is about finding some way that I can get through my day-to-day life comfortable in my own skin, without exhausting myself fighting the psychological effects of a hormonal imbalance or feeling shame about my identity. This is about letting go of the pain and fear that I've been trying to escape from for decades. Few of us *want* to transition. It's often when it has become the only remaining option that we turn to it.
So I try to explain it as a sickness. I have a hormonal issue that is negatively affecting my brain's ability to function healthily. By starting HRT, I can correct this issue. As a side effect, my formerly hidden-and-protected effeminate personality starts to come out, and the side-effects of the HRT will start to feminize my appearance. Depending on the extent to which each occurs, it may end up more natural to just live life as a woman. Or it may not, the HRT may not have a drastic physical effect but still fix the hormone issues so I can function again. In that case, I may not transition. But I have to be prepared for a very likely possibility that I'll end up needing to make a legal/social change to my gender.
Transition is not the desire. A healthy, happy, and productive life is the desire. The hormone treatment allows that to happen, but transition is a common "side effect" of the treatment. After weighing the risks and benefits of HRT, I've decided to pursue it.
So that's my story. I hope that helps you understand my motivation. This is not a decision I've made lightly. I'm just ready to start living, and I don't care anymore if that means I have to transition. I'm not scared of it now, and it's better than staying the same.
