Update

[Xirafel]

Hm, I think that breast is a little spherical. Probably just fat. You see, I have no idea what to expect beyond it growing.
Day four of hot water. It's still a little ache-y. Ah well, it can't be helped 

I ate so many sweet things today and someone was giving away energy drinks o.o
Is that bad for HRT?

[Xirafel]

Hm, interesting. The hot water makes it stop moving. It likes moving on it's own for some reason. If I don't have hot water for a day or two, it reverts back to it's previous antics.

I basically just run hot water in the bath (with the cold water one off, obviously). Ironically, it's the highest temperature I can bathe in. And by bathe, I mean posturing myself to avoid most of my body touching it for ten or so minutes to let it soak in the heat.

[Xirafel]

False alarm. It's still doing lots of micro movements. Just not the big ones x.x
Okay, with any luck, it'll die and stop doing those eventually x.x

Ah wait, I'm soaking just one part not the whole thing. No wonder the micro movements won't stop. Okay, I'll try burning the whole thing o-o

[kelly_aus]

What you are doing won't achieve your aims.. And I suspect you are heating the wrong thing anyway..

[Xirafel]

I think I'm paranoid. I'm constantly thinking about the possibility of jumping up in size, etc. Paranoid.

What you are doing won't achieve your aims.. And I suspect you are heating the wrong thing anyway..

Useful. Thank you. I'll go with Plan B then.

[Xirafel]

It seems like it might logically work. Anti-androgens spend months destroying cells. Heat does the same thing.
I'm in need of your expertise. Which part do you think I should pour boiling water on? We have a little kettle which should be able to heat the water up past the limits of the hot water tap.

[Dena]

A very bad idea. To get the water that hot will burn and scar the skin long before anything else is affected. Scared tissue will not construct a proper vagina or labia. Not only are you dealing with something you don't want now, but it will make it very difficult to construct what you want. You really need to stop considering this approach because it will only damage the tissue you will need in the future.

[Xirafel]

I have no clue what a vagina looks like, that would require looking at porn and that's kind of disgusting. I have no clue what labia is. Also, I'm feeling good about inflicting pain on that evil thing either way, although I would like to think that it's accumulating damage.

And no sane therapist would allow me to do what you're thinking anyway, so what does it matter?

[Cindy]

Look up the SRS sites on the wiki.

Burning yourself convinces me.

[Dena]

If you google vulva, you will find some useful medical information that will describe the feminine body without the porn. Modern surgery with a well trained doctor can come close to duplicating the structures as long as they have the material to work with. In the surgery very little is discarded and sometimes if the starting material is insufficient, a graft from another part of the body may be required. A graft will leave a visible scar and graft tissue requires a longer, more difficult  recovery.

I think any therapist would find that you are transgender but the problem is your other behavior. Surgery is painful and requires somebody who can deal with the post surgical care required. Post surgical care can require 4 hours a day for a month or more and some care may be required for the rest of your life. The inability to  care for yourself would be the biggest risk to your treatment. You need to start acting in a responsible manor instead of yielding to your emotions and that will give you the best shot at the treatment you require.

[AnonyMs]

And no sane therapist would allow me to do what you're thinking anyway, so what does it matter?

The good thing about therapists is there's so many of them, and some of them a very accepting.

[Xirafel]

Those two are very controlling people. I can't get parcel through the door without them questioning it. She refuses to let me use the washing machine, and she's the greatest expert the world has ever seen at destroying clothes. Gah.

So, I just wear dirty female clothes. I tried the soap, but it ended up leaving some white residue which won't come out no matter how many times I wash it and the material from the clothes keeps coming out x.x

And most of my meagre savings are in an offshore bank account which would likely get locked, if they detected any "suspicious transactions". They don't even have a branch in this country.

They're the people who locked my account in the past for making three £3 transactions in the span of a week. Because, that's totally suspicious and I had to go down to the branch to get it unlocked x.x

I had to queue up there like an idiot waiting, only for them to tell me that half of their computer system had crashed, so they couldn't unlock it there. I was literally sleeping on the chair waiting for them to call me. That bank. That bank. That bank. Gah.

Okay, I got that out of my system. What were we discussing?

Ah yes. They are very strict with money. Anything which is bought has to go through them.
Every now and then, I might convince them to part with a pittance.
They were shouting at me for three hours the other day for wasting their money on going to an ear doctor, as my ear has been messed up with tinnitus, etc. for TWO YEARS.

Those people are frustrating. Frustrating. Frustrating.
And the psychologist they chose was always going... Lalalala, I'm not listening. Or at-least, that what I assume she was doing behind her desk on the other side of the world.

First, she spent three hours trying to configure Skype to work properly.
That failed because Skype is terrible and we ended up conversing over emails for a few weeks.

My intuition is almost always right and it's telling me that this is impossible.
Perhaps, if I took some serious action a decade ago, then maybe I would have gotten somewhere, but these days? This is a completely different world.

For one, my parents were less crazy back then. They're so mentally unstable at times that it's disturbing. And it's easier to pitch the idea of not being a hideous deformed creature by starting earlier.

[Xirafel]

With that money, I might have enough for a whole extra month of estrogen pushing the total up from six months to seven. I just need to scrounge up another five months to get a year covered.

Also, I'm now officially a student here, yay. Not that it means much.
Well, it kind of means that they can't pack their bags in March and drag me back.

[LizK]

With that money, I might have enough for a whole extra month of estrogen pushing the total up from six months to seven. I just need to scrounge up another five months to get a year covered.

Also, I'm now officially a student here, yay. Not that it means much.
Well, it kind of means that they can't pack their bags in March and drag me back.

As student are you allowed to get a part time Job? You may well be able to make use of your New Zealand passport to do this. As a New Zealand passport holder you can work here and as of about mid next year you can become a permanent resident which entitles you to full benefits including medical care.

The situation as you describe it, sounds almost abusive and there are people who can help if you are in a psychologically/Physically abusive situation as you have described.

The whole student status may be a way for you to stop being dependant on your parents. That would be hopefully alleviate some of the stress you are under.

Wearing dirty clothes can't make you feel too great. There are many charities' around that provide free laundry facilities for people unable to access them. It may take a little looking around to see who is providing what but rather than wear dirty clothes it may be worth seeking one out to at lest be able to launder your clothes. Failing that there is always laundromats. I know it takes about 50 empty coke cans/bottles (taken to recycling) cashed in to get enough cash to pay for one large laundromat wash...so if you really get stuck....

Hope some of that helps 

Liz

[Xirafel]

Stupid ear. My voice was echoing in my left ear as I spoke while I was out today x.x
But, I convinced her to part with some money. Well, convinced is a strong word. She gave it to me on a whim after I asked, rare.

I have a feeling that she's going to ask me to spend it on food or something, and not provide any money for that.
But with any luck, she'll forget about it as she's really, really forgetful. Mm.
They have some nice statues of kangaroos in the centre. Unfortunately, the bus costs $10 each way. Expensive x.x

I don't just wear these clothes, I sleep in them. Nice and soft.

[KayXo]

Stupid ear. My voice was echoing in my left ear as I spoke while I was out today x.x

I have the same problem since 2007. I've seen 6 ENT specialists and none could tell me why this is happening. It's also in my left ear and gets worse when I am dehydrated. Apparently my Eustachian tube in my left ear doesn't want to properly open so that the air pressure is not equal inside and outside of my ear, causing the symptoms.

[Xirafel]

I mostly wear the dress for sleeping in. I have other clothes, but they're super tight around the shoulders thank to my horribly deformed body, so I only wear them for a few hours before changing out of them.

I wear it day and night every day, asides from when I occasionally go out 

[Xirafel]

The good thing about therapists is there's so many of them, and some of them a very accepting.

There was one staff member on here who told me that there's a very real risk of the therapist deciding to lock me up in a mental hospital.

[Xirafel]

I think I'm going crazy x.x

I keep being distracted by it, so I keep slapping it. Stop, you stupid thing x.x
Behave. Stay. Staaaay. Stupid thing.

[Xirafel]

Or to describe what I'm thinking about it in a little less filtered way...
Go die, you worthless piece of ****. Stop bothering me. Why are you constantly moving?! Gaaaaahhh!!!!