All the times when I pretended

[Saira128]

I pretended to hate pink and baby blue colours to convince myself I was a man.

I pretended to be a sports enthusiast for my parents.

I pretended that my crossdressing was nothing but a sexual fantasy.

I pretended to hate pop songs by female singers in an attempt to reaffirm my gender.

I pretended to hate cooking in an attempt to not be judged by my society.

I pretended to hate romantic movies when infact I loved them.

I grew my beard and pretended to be a jock at my college so that no one would gossip about me.

I have been pretending my whole life. This stops today, right now.

My name is Saira and I am a girl who loves dressing up in pink, who loves Katy Perry, Adele and Rihanna and loves romantic movies. And yes, I cry everytime I watch them.
         
     THANK YOU.

[Annushka]

That's very beautiful and sweet, Saira!!!
Thank you for your determination and sincerity. It is really inspiring!!

Waaaay to go, girl!! 

[Saira128]

Thanks..It is women like you that give me my determination.

[josie76]

You are not alone. In all my years of hiding myself I did much as you. I avoided anything feminine. Even to the point of refusing to use flavored Chapstick my wife once bought me.

I never could get into sports though. Lol

[Saira128]

You are not alone. In all my years of hiding myself I did much as you. I avoided anything feminine. Even to the point of refusing to use flavored Chapstick my wife once bought me.

I never could get into sports though. Lol

Ofcourse, flavoured chap sticks. My sister used them when she was in college and offered one to me. I was in school. I remember distinctly, the feeling of guilt creeping up and forming a lump in my throat. "Boys don't use chapsticks" I remember saying to her.
         I think refusing things that associated me with being female was some kind of a coping mechanism.
      Thank you for your comment.

[April_Girl]

I was ticking down that list except for sports I was never really good at any, but you made me smile to know I am in a place with great people  xxxx

[jentay1367]

hyper masculinity pre transition seems to be one of our commonly shared problems. The worst part is, once you've made up your mind that you've been pretending all this time, it becomes very difficult to unscrew all that maleness from your day to day behaviors. I guess it all falls under the line in Hamlet, "The lady doth protest too much, methinks".  Re-Socializing can be one of the most daunting parts of a transition. Surgeries are easy relative to changing how you think and act every day. Onward and forward...nothing to do but to keep doing.

[Steph Eigen]

Yep, the hypermasculine effort before acceptance is unfortunately common.  I, too, checked off most of the traits you listed with the notable exception of the pop singers.  I just don't like pop music in general.  Pink and pastell colors never were an issue for me.  It was a paradoxical hypermasculine thing--are you manly enough to wear pink?    I though I was, but internally it was just that I liked pink.  Now I just wear pink if I want to, no justification needed.

[jentay1367]

Here's a fun factoid, through the 1920's and 30's, pink was the boys color and blue was the girls color. Around 1940's clothing manufacturer's flipped it on its ear. Social constructs are so much nonsense. The idea that a color belongs to one gender is laughable on the face of it when you stop and really look at it. It should also make us take pause for all the other constructs we simply accept as fact. So much to think about...l.o.l.

[Deborah]

I did some of those things too.  But I never avoided cooking at all.  I enjoy it and good at it too.


It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not.
André Gide, Autumn Leaves

[HappyMoni]

I have been pretending my whole life. This stops today, right now.

Saira,

This statement is music to my ears. Welcome to the world of acceptance of your true self. Congratulations!

hyper masculinity pre transition seems to be one of our commonly shared problems. The worst part is, once you've made up your mind that you've been pretending all this time, it becomes very difficult to unscrew all that maleness from your day to day behaviors.
  Re-Socializing can be one of the most daunting parts of a transition.

It  is especially hard to start acting more feminine at first because you are more nervous about how the world sees you. I think there is a period of "grin and bare it" until you can relax some. The good thing is, the other side of that adjustment is pretty fantastic.  I'm hoping that by the time I die, they can  write, "It took her a while, but she finally got it 'spot on.' " lol
When I think back to my days of pretending for the public, one thing especially stands out. I was terrified I would have any wiggle in my walk  and people would "know."
Monica

[Saira128]

I was ticking down that list except for sports I was never really good at any, but you made me smile to know I am in a place with great people  xxxx

Even I feel very happy to be here. It feels so good to share. I have never felt so excited, yet so scared about the journey to come.
    It feels good to know that I have so many lovely people by my side.

[Saira128]

hyper masculinity pre transition seems to be one of our commonly shared problems. The worst part is, once you've made up your mind that you've been pretending all this time, it becomes very difficult to unscrew all that maleness from your day to day behaviors. I guess it all falls under the line in Hamlet, "The lady doth protest too much, methinks".  Re-Socializing can be one of the most daunting parts of a transition. Surgeries are easy relative to changing how you think and act every day. Onward and forward...nothing to do but to keep doing.

I was never quite hyper masculine in the traditional sense, I was just another average teenage guy.
    But I guess, I couldn't bear even that little bit of masculinity in me. I know, I would never be able to shed all of it, because it has some how become a part of who I am.
    And yes, adjusting life in the society as a female, is going to be pretty tough. I have a long, rocky road ahead of me. It is people like you who make the journey pleasant.
      Thank you for being there.
     

[Saira128]

Yep, the hypermasculine effort before acceptance is unfortunately common.  I, too, checked off most of the traits you listed with the notable exception of the pop singers.  I just don't like pop music in general.  Pink and pastell colors never were an issue for me.  It was a paradoxical hypermasculine thing--are you manly enough to wear pink?    I though I was, but internally it was just that I liked pink.  Now I just wear pink if I want to, no justification needed.

Now, you can not wear pink when you wish, and still know that, it doesn't make you any less of a woman.
      Feels good doesn't it? People knowing who you really are.

[Saira128]

Here's a fun factoid, through the 1920's and 30's, pink was the boys color and blue was the girls color. Around 1940's clothing manufacturer's flipped it on its ear. Social constructs are so much nonsense. The idea that a color belongs to one gender is laughable on the face of it when you stop and really look at it. It should also make us take pause for all the other constructs we simply accept as fact. So much to think about...l.o.l.

Wow! I didn't know that.   😀

[Saira128]

I did some of those things too.  But I never avoided cooking at all.  I enjoy it and good at it too.


It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not.
André Gide, Autumn Leaves

I love cooking too. Someday, i'll teach you how to cook authentic Indian food.

[Saira128]

Saira,

This statement is music to my ears. Welcome to the world of acceptance of your true self. Congratulations!
It  is especially hard to start acting more feminine at first because you are more nervous about how the world sees you. I think there is a period of "grin and bare it" until you can relax some. The good thing is, the other side of that adjustment is pretty fantastic.  I'm hoping that by the time I die, they can  write, "It took her a while, but she finally got it 'spot on.' " lol
When I think back to my days of pretending for the public, one thing especially stands out. I was terrified I would have any wiggle in my walk  and people would "know."
Monica

Thank you for your support. I just wish people here in my country, become more supportive.
     
     Fun fact-  In India, "Gay" is a derogatory term, reserved for a person who has any kind of liking for feminine things.

      The other day, I recommended a skin lotion to a friend of mine for his dry skin. His reply was, ' Don't be so gay '.  Funny ain't it?
     Who knew, only girls could use skin lotion. I guess, I'm learning something everyday. Lol.

[Eva Marie]

It  is especially hard to start acting more feminine at first because you are more nervous about how the world sees you. I think there is a period of "grin and bare it" until you can relax some. The good thing is, the other side of that adjustment is pretty fantastic.  I'm hoping that by the time I die, they can  write, "It took her a while, but she finally got it 'spot on.' " lol

HappyMoni-

During my therapy I went through a process that resulted in me realizing that my male self was 100% fake. I had been playing the part for so long that the act was firmly burned into my daily life - it had to be since it protected me. My fake male persona was in effect a shield that I held out in front of me to hide and to protect who I really was. And yes, I engaged in the risky, "manly", over compensating behavior which is typical for us pre-transition.

Once I had that revelation I was able to let go of the act, and letting go allowed my natural female self to come out - the things I said, the way I moved, my mannerisms, the way I interacted with other people - all changed on its own accord.

Once you release the acting, release the fake male persona - the authentic you will emerge.

[jentay1367]

Fun fact-  In India, "Gay" is a derogatory term, reserved for a person who has any kind of liking for feminine things.

Hi Saira......pretty name by the way! Works the same way here in the U.S. unfortunately. We certainly possess our fair share of ignorance, intolerance and hatred. It's changing though....albeit slooooooowly. 

[Saira128]

Hi Saira......pretty name by the way! Works the same way here in the U.S. unfortunately. We certainly possess our fair share of ignorance, intolerance and hatred. It's changing though....albeit slooooooowly. 

A bit tooooooo sloooooooooooowwwww..

[emoji2]