Uncomfort and embarassement about therapy.

[Karlee]

Hi all,

Earlier on this year, I took the step to see a therapist (finally). However, this therapist deals with youth mental health like depression and anxiety, and doesn't specialize in gender issues (even though they said they had trans services available).

The topic came up once or twice and I just felt embarrassed and uncomfortable speaking about it. I'm not sure why - perhaps because I was now being accountable for what I was feeling and was speaking in person about it, face to face. She was nice, and gave me some things to think about (the gender spectrum, I may be a "feminine male" and not necessarily trans etc.)

Since then, I've avoided going into therapy again. I've had my ups and downs - good days and bad days. I'm practically in the same spot that I was about 6 months ago: still no clearer, still full of doubt and still don't know what I am doing.

I feel like a broken record going over and over again! I know that I should go see a therapist that is specialized in gender issues and questioning, but I just feel uncomfortable, embarrassed and ashamed about it. I think it boils down to being in a relationship and being in the closet, not knowing for sure what I am feeling (doubts on a daily basis), wanting someone to give me an answer they can't, and just a whole lot of over thinking and over analyzing.

How did you get the courage to go to therapy? Did you feel uncomfortable, ashamed or embarrassed like I am?

Thanks.

[Dena]

As transsexualism was poorly understood when I transitioned, I had to decide that if the therapist could come up with a solution that didn't involve transitioning, I would accept it because at least I would be happy with myself. We now know that would never be possible.

In your case, you need to realize the therapist is you partner in the transition an will help you discover yourself. They will not judge or be critical of you and if they do, get up, walk out that door and never look back. You have the right to fire any therapist that attempt to harm you in any way.

Make a commitment to see a therapist for one visit. Open up and if you don't like it, what you do next is up to you. If you don't see a therapist, you will never be able to become the person that you are.

[Karlee]

Hi Dena,

Thanks for your thoughts!

You're right when you say that the therapist is a partner. Though, in the position that I am in now, it is really hard to see that anyone would partner with me in this (I guess as a result of internalized transphobia).

Them being confidential and non-judgemental is also beneficial. I guess I just need to open up and be honest. "Honesty is the best policy" as they say.

I guess because I don't feel like I subscribe to the "trans narrative" in that I don't 100% relate to the stereotypical trans journey, I feel like I'm kidding myself and that it's not real. Like I am an imposter, when in reality, everyone is different and nobody is actually telling me that I'm a fake. It is really hard to accept that you are something (in this case trans), when you can't relate to the dominant way of thinking.

I suppose that is the benefit of therapy, right?

Thanks Dena.

Much love,
Karlee.x

[warlockmaker]

Seeing a therapist initially was very difficult for me, after all I was going to talk about my best kept secret. I never even told my closest friends and family. Suprisingly I found it easier to discuss this with a person who had no emotional involvement with me. I just blurted it all out and the rest was easy. Once the cat was out of the bag I found great relief. I had two therapists over the 6 years and both became my friend.Just let it out, thats what a therapist is there for, the first step is always difficult. Being TG will be so many first steps but its a fantastic journey.

[Dena]

I had a few weeks where I felt like an imposter. It came after 5 years of therapy with doctors who really weren't helping me even though I was honest with them then discovering my therapy group. The group made me feel like I was somewhat of a failure because the members were accomplishing what I had been unable to in all that time. I was able to work through it and in a short period of time, I was one of the group making progress in my transition.

The only solution is to face up to the problem and deal with it. Yes it will be painful for a short while but you will be glad you did it.

[Tessa James]

Karlee though we are miles apart in age and more I acutely shared your sense of not fitting the stereotypical narrative and experienced major discomfort and embarrassment when I first started therapy.  My sense of fear and shame had lasted decades and included that unlovely sense of internalized transphobia. 

I was conflicted about being considered trans and had met some women who were trans that seemed nothing like me at all.  Like Dena I finally agreed to therapy primarily to be more comfortably happy but didn't intended to transition.  What I learned in therapy is your "Honesty is the best policy" really does work.  To be honest i had to transition or deal with crippling and persistent dysphoria.

A big part of my problem was the decades of denial that had allowed my fears and shame to become like a cancer in isolation.  My imagined problems metastasized with that "over thinking" while I did nothing but stay in the closet and occasionally purge clothes and ideas.

Transition was euphoria for the first 6-8 months with a profound sense of relief and freedom.  I waited so long that nothing was going to stand in my way!  Years later i hardly remember the person I once acted out.  Not courage in my case but survival and rejection of denial, depression and despair.  That tiresome and tedious trinity

IMO there is no typical trans narrative and it may be harmful and discriminatory to suggest there is only one way to feel or be in terms of gender identity.  We are as diverse as the dominant culture we live within.

I encourage you to write your own story but as the bumper sticker says; "don't die wondering."

[Denise]

I think for me the break through was admitting to myself that there was s gender issue.  The desire to be female was becoming over powering.  I finally let slip to my sister that I needed to talk to her about something.  That's all it took. She dragged me out of the house (we are in our 50's) and said spill it.  At that point I didn't have a choice.  Scared???  Oh yeah!!  But an hour later I felt so much better. 

Maybe hinting to someone who cares for you, but wouldn't be affected by you transitioning would work for you too. 

Wishing you all the luck in the world.

Sent from my LG-H820 using Tapatalk

[Karlee]

Hi all,

Thank you for all of your support. It means a lot to me! <3


@warlockmaker

Thanks for sharing that with me. I know how you felt - it's such a big secret and a big weight on your shoulders. I suppose if you don't have an emotional connection/involvement with them, it doesn't matter what they think.

I can only image the weight lifting and the relief after talking about it! I look forward to that. Thanks a lot, and congratulations on your progress so far.

@Dena

I think that is one of my fears, as well. Speaking to someone so openly and honestly, putting all on the table and out in the open, for them to not help you at all. That would just add to the shame and uncomfort of it all.

@Tessa James

I can relate to everything you said! I'm so glad that therapy helped you come to your realizations and push you forward. Congratulations!

I guess we're all on unique (but similar) journeys. You're right, there's no one dominant narrative in the cis world, so why should there be one for trans people? I feel like I've got so many walls up trying to protect myself, but (as you said) you just deal with dysphoria, along with denial, depression and despair.

@Denise

Thank you for your idea. You are right - they say the first step is admitting. I haven't yet done that. I'm just "waiting for the moment" where it all becomes perfectly clear and hits me like a ton of bricks. Instead, for me it's just persistent thinking and wondering everyday; the inability to get all my tasks done because this is consuming me, doubting myself and feeling silly for considering being trans.

I do have some friends in the gay community who may be able to help.



Thank you all for your help.

Much love,
Karlee.x

[JoanneB]

Points to consider

I found that in my rural neck of the woods, in the Psychology Today doc find 'Transgender' means I once had a class where it was mentioned.

When I went into therapy for the first time ever at my advanced age, the TG aspect was perhaps 20% of why I was there. I needed HELP dealing with all the baggage from being TG. While having been to both a T-friendly therapist and a Gender therapist I can say there is a difference. Yet my base issues remain the same, like dealing with life's BS and loosing baggage.

My therapist have been fulfilling my goals for therapy of helping to shed the baggage, "The Letter", and... I guess keeping me alive. For REAL help with being trans, only my TG support group fills that need. Nothing compares to getting first hand insights from others who have ran the gauntlet.

Having never in all my 50 years life been in therapy, it was a leap of faith for me. I also knew there was no way I can be helped without putting all my cards down on the table. Which was totally opposite of how I always approached being trans. I had to trust the process and that I was in a "Safe Space" and I'll find help/hope. I did,

As far as a "Broken Record" you likely have a long way to go to break my "Broken Record" run. I'm surprised my therapist, out of frustration, has not slapped me up the side of the head yet. Point is, that is what they get paid for. You vocalizing something is typically far different then thing how you think it, and also different then how you you'd write about it. All different brain pathways. You also tend to never say "Exactly" the same thing, word for word.

The more times you say something, the more comfortable you feel saying it. For instance. I cannot tell you how often I have said "I am a transsexual....." to my therapist. I can tell you almost everything about the day/time I said it and the bolt of lightning went down my back when I took ownership of those words. Yes, I was a broken record the 50, 100, 200 times before that. That one more time helped to turn my life around.

[Karlee]

Hi JoanneB,

Thank you for your advice.

I'm glad that the therapy was able to help you achieve your goals. Thank goodness you are still alive and here with us!

I can relate to the leap of faith - I am a very personal and private person. I don't like exposing myself to people with these things. That is true too for professionals like doctors and therapists. I'll have to take a page from your book and trust the process. I always feel like I'd be the "exception"; the one that they got wrong.

Truth be told; I'm just scared. Some days I know exactly what I want to do, and others I just as lost as when I first started. I don't want to make the wrong decision and be left with nothing. I have trouble trusting myself, I have no confidence in decision making and think that I'm just "crazy" and going through a phase. I have my outlets to make me feel somewhat better, but those outlets just confuse me even more!

It feels like no matter what I do, I leave myself confused and in doubt.

It's a hard road that I didn't really ask for. But, you've got to make the best of it.

Thanks everyone.
xo

[JoanneB]

Hi JoanneB,

Thank you for your advice.

I'm glad that the therapy was able to help you achieve your goals. Thank goodness you are still alive and here with us!

I can relate to the leap of faith - I am a very personal and private person. I don't like exposing myself to people with these things. That is true too for professionals like doctors and therapists. I'll have to take a page from your book and trust the process. I always feel like I'd be the "exception"; the one that they got wrong.

Truth be told; I'm just scared. Some days I know exactly what I want to do, and others I just as lost as when I first started. I don't want to make the wrong decision and be left with nothing. I have trouble trusting myself, I have no confidence in decision making and think that I'm just "crazy" and going through a phase. I have my outlets to make me feel somewhat better, but those outlets just confuse me even more!

It feels like no matter what I do, I leave myself confused and in doubt.

It's a hard road that I didn't really ask for. But, you've got to make the best of it.

Thanks everyone.
xo

Everything above I could have, would have, said 8 years ago. I think many to most of us could. Even semi-seriously thinking about taking that first Baby-Step which may lead to transition scares the crap out of you. You'd rather do or try anything else but. So you fill your life and time with all sorts of diversions and distractions in order to quiet the noise in your head. Or, think you are taking it on by playing mental chess, or "What if...?" games in your head which tend to result in the answers you want.

One great aspect of talking to a therapist is that WILL ask you the uncomfortable questions you wouldn't dare ask yourself, or dare to answer honestly to yourself. In "Trusting the Process" you sort of guilt yourself into trying to answer as honestly as you can. Even if that is "I'm not sure", or "Don't really know".

The other great aspect is whacky way the brain works. It is amazing how differently feelings or thoughts are expressed between Thinking, Writing, and Speaking.

[Alora]

Hey Karlee,

Like you a feel like I'm in the same boat. I scared to go to therapy, just to have them tell me these feelings aren't real. I'm just some weird kinky guy. I might just die if that's what happens.

Since coming out both to myself and a few hand picked people, and buying my first girl clothes. I have never felt more comfortable about me in my entire life. I actually took pictures of myself. I hate getting me picture take. I actually look at myself in the mirror for more then 5 sec because I know one day, my outside is going to match my inside. And I can't wait to find that girl.

Stay strong. It'll be scary, but worth it in the end.

Seeing a therapist initially was very difficult for me, after all I was going to talk about my best kept secret. I never even told my closest friends and family. Suprisingly I found it easier to discuss this with a person who had no emotional involvement with me. I just blurted it all out and the rest was easy. Once the cat was out of the bag I found great relief. I had two therapists over the 6 years and both became my friend.Just let it out, thats what a therapist is there for, the first step is always difficult. Being TG will be so many first steps but its a fantastic journey.

I shared my whole story with someone yesterday, and I verbally vomited on them. I felt so much better afterwards. And I even went shopping afterward, and had a blast. (I hate shopping as a "guy" the clothes are so boring).

Loves 💋❤️💋
Alora

[Sophia Sage]

Karlee,

What you need to know first and foremost is how you feel:  On the whole, do you feel happy about being gendered female, and do you feel dysphoric (some combination of sad, mad, scared, and disgusted) about being gendered male?

[Karlee]

Hi all,

Sorry for late response. My time zone is a little different from yours!

@JoanneB

You're absolutely right. It's weird because a little place inside wants me to go to see a therapist and get the ball rolling (that's probably the emotional side), but then another side stops that and fills me with fear and doubt (that's probably the logical side). Exactly like a game of mental chess!

I think that is the biggest part - being completely honest with myself. I guess I kind of know what I want to answer, but I don't know how honest that is to myself.

Thanks JoanneB.


@Alora

It feels good to know that I'm not the only one! I can totally relate, it's a horrible feeling.

I second that on the pictures. I love to take pictures of myself in feminine clothing (my favourite part of the day is being alone so I can dress). And, like you, I don't like pictures of me being taken. I don't like the way I look, to be honest.

I guess just being open with it is a way to come to terms with it? Thanks Alora.


@Sophia Sage

That's a very good question - probably the one that causes the most grief. The word "dysphoria" intimidates me! For me, I don't like the way my body looks; body hair, lack of feminine features, hair line. This all makes me feel unattractive and a bit sad. Sometimes I wonder when feeling like this is enough, and that makes me feel sad too.

A common thought I have in my head is "I want to be a pretty girl". Mannerisms, aura, look and feel. I am not overly masculine or tough (though to this day, I still try to be for those around me).

It's kind of difficult to describe. The thing that causes me the most confusion is whether I actually feel like this, or whether I want to feel like this; but that doesn't make logical sense. It boils down to a lack of self trust and confidence in making big decisions.

At the end of the day, if I did transition, I wouldn't be thinking about being a girl. I'd actually be one.

Love,
Karlee.x

[Sophia Sage]

You're absolutely right. It's weird because a little place inside wants me to go to see a therapist and get the ball rolling (that's probably the emotional side), but then another side stops that and fills me with fear and doubt (that's probably the logical side).

What are you afraid of?

What if everyone in the world, including yourself, only saw a woman when looking at you?

Logic is best employed to figure out how to get what we want.  It is not adequate to inform us of what we actually want, let alone "should" want. What we truly desire comes from deeper inside, from our emotions -- specifically from our sense of joy. 

I guess I kind of know what I want to answer, but I don't know how honest that is to myself.

This sound like a measure of dissociation, a way of distancing yourself from your emotions.

For me, I don't like the way my body looks; body hair, lack of feminine features, hair line. This all makes me feel unattractive and a bit sad. Sometimes I wonder when feeling like this is enough, and that makes me feel sad too.

Feeling sad and unattractive (a variation on disgust) are components of dysphoria, absolutely.

A common thought I have in my head is "I want to be a pretty girl". Mannerisms, aura, look and feel.

This makes you happy, yes? 

I am not overly masculine or tough (though to this day, I still try to be for those around me).

I love to take pictures of myself in feminine clothing (my favourite part of the day is being alone so I can dress).

Your favorite part of the day is when you're gendering yourself female. This is what makes you happy. You only gender yourself male for other people, and that's something you "try" to do. You're not gendering yourself female for other people or because you think you "should."

It boils down to a lack of self trust and confidence in making big decisions.

At the end of the day, if I did transition, I wouldn't be thinking about being a girl. I'd actually be one.

Maybe your transition has already begun.  After all, you are here, now.

[Karlee]

Wow, Sophia Sage! I've never had it broken down like that before. Thank you for your insight!

I think I'm most afraid of making the wrong decision and not being accepted. As you mentioned, if everyone viewed me as a woman and accepted that, then there would be no fear, and it'd feel more like the right decision. I wouldn't be scared, because I could be who I am, and can live my life without fear. It would feel good.

I have a lot of ways that I disassociate with my feelings and emotions. If you ask anyone around me, they'd say that I'm always studying (at university), always thinking (about future employment, assignments etc.) and not really ever present in the now. I keep very busy - I'm always trying to keep occupied and busy, but these thoughts are creeping their way more and more into my day.

Getting caught up and (falsely and hurtfully) comparing my situation to other trans stories (I think) lead to thinking that I wasn't exactly dysphoric. A lot of people have a lot more (and severe) dysphoria for me, but ultimately, as we're all individuals, it's probably hindering my progress to think that, because I'm not like them, that I'm not a real transgender girl.

I do feel happy, excited, a bit euphoric, a bit calmer, a little more peaceful when I'm by myself as Karlee (though, I've always got to keep an eye out for unwanted company). You're right - I'm dressing and feeling like this because I want to, not because I have to.

I've always felt like I needed someone to "confirm" that what I was feeling was accurate. This has been something that has always been a part of me - external validation to confirm that I'm doing the right thing. And it's hard when you hide this side of you (for fear of scrutiny, rejection, embarrassment or whatever) because you can't get that validation. And then, when you do have the opportunity, you shut it out because you're so used to hiding it and feeling like it's "wrong", so that only adds to the fears.

It's such a vicious cycle.

Honestly, I'm tired and run down. I'm lacking motivation and clarity. I'm starting to like being by myself and alone a lot more than being around anyone.

Thank you Sophia for your help. I really appreciate your time talking to me.

And thanks to everyone who has posted here and helped me, too.

Much love,
Karlee.x

[Alora]

Wow, Sophia Sage! I've never had it broken down like that before. Thank you for your insight!

@Karlee

You feel like a long lost sister. So many of your concerns and joys run parallel with my own. Stay strong girl, and if you ever want/need to cry let me know. I'll be here to provide encouragement. Loves 💋❤️💋

@Sophia

The insight that you had and shared with Karlee really touched me too. Made me realize a lot of my own insecurities. Thank you so much for being here. Love 💋❤️💋

[DawnOday]

I felt embarrassed to talk to the therapist the 5 times I went in to discuss it, I chickened out. The first time in 1982. Saying instead I was suffering from stress. Thirty five years later I about had a breakdown. I was a real ass, nobody could stand me. I was always angry. Couldn't say anything nice to anybody. It didn't help that we were in political season and I love to argue. Anyway my wife couldn't take it much longer and I promised to go get therapy. This time I addressed what was on my mind since I was five years old. I am different, always felt different, I suspect others thought I was different too. I've never been very aggressive. Do I present female traits? No not that one can see. So on the third session I got my letter. I didn't even have to ask for it, Kristi volunteered it. I guess I presented as pathetic. A month later I was being prescribed estradiol. Now starting my fourth month, the changes so far have been steadily coming if not immediately obvious. I'm to the point where I can't just wear T-shirts anymore. I am not ready to go out in public. I want to get my facial hair taken care of. I hate trying to cover a beard even though mine is sparse. Suppose it will save me money in the long run. So the point being. Don't wait. I am now 65 years old. Will make a fine old lady. When I see what is possible from the younger transitioners I am envious at how it could have been. Oh well spilled milk. I do see a definite change in mental outlook. I am more glass half full now. I am looking to a future where I only had fear of going to my grave unfulfilled.  Good luck to you. I hope you find someone who can help you. But please, stop being embarrassed. It's counter productive and you have absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about. Don't let your youth pass you by unfulfilled.

[Karlee]

@Alora

It's so nice to meet someone who feels so closely to what I am feeling! You stay strong too girl! We're in this together. Please keep me update with how you're going, I'd be very interested. <3

@DawnOday

I can relate to that! My therapist spoke about anxiety and ways to deal with unhelpful thoughts. Though, admittedly, I was in the middle of exam period at school.

It's amazing that you got your letter so fast. They must have really seen the girl inside shining through. Congratulations, I'm so happy that you've made so much progress!

Thank you for your kind thoughts. I'm trying to embrace this instead of feel embarrassed. After all, I'm a unique girl!


Much love,
Karlee.x

[Dena]

I think I'm most afraid of making the wrong decision and not being accepted. As you mentioned, if everyone viewed me as a woman and accepted that, then there would be no fear, and it'd feel more like the right decision. I wouldn't be scared, because I could be who I am, and can live my life without fear. It would feel good.

Something to remember is as any point along the way you can say no and stop the transition. The people on the site will accept your decision and much of the early stages are stealth enough that few will know about you. The therapist and early stages of HRT are pretty much completely stealth so you have nothing to lose. After a few months, reevaluate your progress and if you life is getting better, commit to the next stages of the transition. You are not making a final decision at this point. You are only committing to start a different approach.