I don't think I will ever be a woman (triggering)

[zamber74]

How I feel, how I identify, is certainly as a woman, my desire to be one has been ever so present through the years.  But the damage has been done to my identity, the years have taken their toll, I don't even know how to be a woman, I have been conditioned to act like a man, yet ultimately fail.  I have been left little more than a misfit.

Don't get me wrong, I'm going to try..  But there is always going to be that trailing left over garbage in my head. 

As a child, I remember seeing this video and relating to it a lot.  Even as a teenager it held truth.



All of those years, wishing every night I would wake up in the right body.. it is incredibly depressing..  I can never recapture those years, they are gone forever. 


It all just drives me for a loop, it is crazy really.  Something I have wanted for so long, always seems to be out of grasp, and at the same time it seems so insane.  Why is gender so important to begin with?  Why do I have these feelings?  It makes no sense at all.. 

It all makes me feel sexist too, like a woman is supposed to act one way and a man is supposed to act another.  I'm not sure, you know what?  I just want to be a girl, and be myself.. it is weird. 

Bleh, enough of my insane drivel.

[Megan.]

It's not drivel and you're not insane. I share many of the same feelings and I'm sure many others here do too. I do get down about this, but I try to stay positive and look forward to the time I have left rather back on what can't be changed.
With time, effort and practice, we can change how the world sees us, maybe never 100% of the time. But how we see ourselves is far more important, and that IS something within your power to change 😊. Live your own truth. X

[zamber74]

It's not drivel and you're not insane. I share many of the same feelings and I'm sure many others here do too. I do get down about this, but I try to stay positive and look forward to the time I have left rather back on what can't be changed.
With time, effort and practice, we can change how the world sees us, maybe never 100% of the time. But how we see ourselves is far more important, and that IS something within your power to change 😊. Live your own truth. X

Thank you Megan  

[LizK]

Hi Zamber

"If I could have just been assigned as a girl when I was born" If I have a $1 every time that thought flashed through my mind..well you know...would be pretty darn wealthy.

I will never look like, the woman, I feel like I am inside, I will never give birth, I will never experience any of the normal milestones a young girl would, my first date, being a bride, being pregnant, normal female socialisation....some days the weight of this feels almost crushing right up until I consider, what part of the life I have lived, would I be prepared to give up...my kids?..my soul mate?...the love?...the laughter?, the act of living? or even being a Dad? But I know I would not change a thing if I had to lose any of the people I now have around me.

There is so much to be excited about...I don't know how to be a woman...but I can tell you one thing for sure, without a doubt...I am not a guy...nope, no way...being made to be a guy for half my life is a cruel joke, played on me, by life its self. I can learn to be me...

You can change your life...one lipstick at a time if you have too 

Liz

[zamber74]

Hi Zamber

"If I could have just been assigned as a girl when I was born" If I have a $1 every time that thought flashed through my mind..well you know...would be pretty darn wealthy.

I will never look like, the woman, I feel like I am inside, I will never give birth, I will never experience any of the normal milestones a young girl would, my first date, being a bride, being pregnant, normal female socialisation....some days the weight of this feels almost crushing right up until I consider, what part of the life I have lived, would I be prepared to give up...my kids?..my soul mate?...the love?...the laughter?, the act of living? or even being a Dad? But I know I would not change a thing if I had to lose any of the people I now have around me.

There is so much to be excited about...I don't know how to be a woman...but I can tell you one thing for sure, without a doubt...I am not a guy...nope, no way...being made to be a guy for half my life is a cruel joke, played on me, by life its self. I can learn to be me...

You can change your life...one lipstick at a time if you have too 

Liz

You are absolutely spot on with how I feel, especially the bolded part.  If I were not so much of a skeptic, I would love to think this is some sort of test.  There really is so much I should be thankful for, I just get bitter at times.  That bolded part really strikes truth with me, I just don't fit as this gender, it feels wrong. 

[LizK]

It was a hard step for me to say and believe in my heart that I am not a guy...to get others to believe that can be difficult...but before we can get others to believe we are women IMHO we need to believe it ourselves.

Take care
Liz

[warlockmaker]

I grew up not knowing there was an alternative to being gay or straight. I knew I was not gay so I thought I was just a kinky male. That ignorance allowed me to thrive and live a great life as a male. Then in my mid 40s I discovered that tg existed, this shattered my views on my life.  I then began to have dysphoria but I was by then an established Alpha male. Around 7 years ago at the age of 60 I  saw a therapist and today I am a female. Yes, I have a long life as a male and I have accepted that part of me in my life going forward. Yet, I can live as a female happily and at peace and now I see the world thru the eyes of a female. Today I am an Alpha female, I do not know what the stereo type of a female behavior is, I am who I am and live a wonderful fufilled life. I hope my story gives you a different perspective of how to live with the memories of a male. Be yourself, we are all just human beings.

[Raell]

Wow, Warlockmaker, LOVE your upbeat attitude.
It's always best to be oneself and present in the way that makes one feel the most comfortable.

Zamber, I was assigned female at birth and pass as one even though I'm partial transmale, so there is a lot of leeway in what can be considered "female."

My ex husband was a better female than I was, even though he didn't know at the time he was trans also. He was tall, muscular, masculine looking, but he was the one who knew about house stuff, clothes, schedules, details that usually women know about, so "being a woman" can mean many things.

[SadieBlake]

Zamber it's not sexist to acknowledge that masculine and feminine brains process and respond to information differently. This was very unpopular science 25 years ago as it went against decades of social pressure.

The thing is to be a healthy human first, part of which is letting yourself be who you are. Healthy humans are able to be assertive not aggressive, empathizing not self-deprecating.

I've been transitioning socially for 20 years and now that I've begun medical transition the most gratifying thing is that women are accepting me as one of the tribe.

It doesn't mean I've let go of all of my fears of inadequacy, on the other hand it was 19 years ago that a girlfriend first told me I made love like a woman. The fact that I knew she didn't mean it as a compliment didn't matter. Knowing she'd been exclusively lesbian for something like 15 years I figured she knew what she was talking about and it was my first signal that I could be feminine.

[KathyLauren]

I know how you feel.  I don't feel like I "am a woman", because I have no idea of how that would feel.  I just know that I do not feel like a man, even after 60+ years of trying to be one.  I'd rather be a woman than a man, so that's what I'm going to do. 

I was able to learn how to fake being a man enough to be somewhat convincing, so maybe I can learn to be a woman now.  I don't expect to ever pass 100% as a cis-woman, so that is not my goal.  I just want to be free to be myself.

[JoanneB]

We are all the expression of the totality of our life experiences. The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly. Like you, I feel, I know I am a woman inside.  I don't how to BE a woman. I have been fairly OK at faking being a guy. I figure my chameleon ability can come in handy.

I don't see my past very well entrenched life as a negative. It has provided me with a vast treasure of experiences, of abilities, of stability, pleasures, etc.. I know plenty of women who enjoy swinging wrenches, into electronics, into slap-stick humor and many other traditional "Guy" stuff. They certainly aren't any less female then I am. Just as the women, one a good friend of mine, is taller and more masculine then most guys is any less of a woman.

Though I am tall for a woman, big everything, deep voice, I love girlie-girl. While most women around me are 5ft something and way over-weight in ratty jeans and a top, there I am in a skirt or dress, cute shoes, makeup basking in the glory of being and feeling great being me.

[zamber74]

Thank you all very much, your replies have helped a lot with how I was feeling last night..  phew, I swear this is tough at times.  I haven't even started HRT yet, I wonder what sort of roller coaster that will be.

[JayceeTG]

I can totally relate to those feelings. For years and years I tried to deny who I really was by just burying it deep down inside and as I get older and older its harder and harder for me to deny the feelings of who I truly am but making any sort of change and going down that path scares me more and more every single day.

I am masculine and really don't see any feminine qualities in myself and that scares me even more because I know that if I did go down that path things would be very hard for me and I don't know if I could handle that. So for the moment its just easier being a man and just suppressing my Transgender feelings and dealing with them later even though I know that dealing with them later will be harder than dealing with them now.

I just live in an environment where its hard for me to be my true self and I just don't know when I can take the steps in finding a gender therapist and start HRT or etc. I just feel really lost at the moment and the best feelings I have is when I am able to dress up femme and just lounge around in those clothes, that is the closest I get into being the real me.

[SadieBlake]

Thank you all very much, your replies have helped a lot with how I was feeling last night..  phew, I swear this is tough at times.  I haven't even started HRT yet, I wonder what sort of roller coaster that will be.

True it's been a roller coaster, for me hrt was first a test of whether I might want to transition surgically. I had my answer within a couple weeks. Dysphoria since then has mostly centered around coming to terms with "yes I'm really a girl inside" and dealing with the fears of proceeding.