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Suddenly worried about sexuality

Started by CV, December 04, 2016, 03:17:17 AM

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CV

Hi -
Couldn't see a subforum for dating / sexuality so thought to ask / rant extensively here.
Like many people in active medical transition I think it fair to say, dating hasn't exactly been #1 on my priority list in the last few years. I have been way too dysphoric to engage in putting myself out there in any way for quite some time - probably not for quite some time to come, either, as I am about midway through transition and this is where things get dodgy and expensive.
However, I seem to have hit that point along the way where I can envisage what it will be like when I'm "done" and that for some reason brought about the topic of sexuality again, and that I may someday get back into the dating game.
But this is where I worry. I only have experience of dating / sex / relationships pre-transition. I have no idea how that will work post-transition.
It gets murkier inasmuch as I am genderqueer, and when I am "done," will be completely physically genderqueer. No more can anyone try to box me in and decide what I "really am" based on genitals. That in itself is going to be a lot for all but the queerest of queers to deal with sexually, and will discount me from a lot of people's dating pools as they will require some kind of gender binary, even if it is just a penis or vagina type of distinction. I will have neither / slight mixture of both. No cis genitals, sorry.
I have, at this point, heard all the genderqueer opposition - that I have a mental illness, I'm deluded, I have whatever chromosomes so it doesn't matter what I choose to call myself, that I'm just mutilating my body, that genderqueer identity actually doesn't exist and was made up on tumblr so people could be "special," that I am "actually" what I was born and all that matters is if I have a penis or a vagina, etc.
I'm aware of this, and generally don't mind. People can think what they like.
But what I didn't devote much thought to was the sexuality of this. My sexuality hasn't changed during transition, but the expression of it has. Pre-transition I had too many problems with my body to really engage sexually. It wasn't a problem with my partners' anatomy, but a big problem with my own. As this lessens as I move through surgical transition, I find it re-sparks my sexual interest for the future.
I did some probably ill-advised reading online, and it seems bisexuality / pansexuality is somehow universally despised recently. I see many of the same arguments as directed at the in-between-ness of genderqueer identity - that it doesn't exist, was made up on tumblr for "special" credit, that pansexuals are just bisexuals who want to be "femanazis," and anyway, bisexuals are confused, just trying to avoid admitting they're gay, are promiscuous and can't be trusted not to cheat with a man/woman when in a relationship with the opposite so no one gay or straight would ever date them, etc.
Unfortunately, this gives me the impression that once I finally complete this complicated process and come out the other end a gleeful, completely physically, legally, and socially genderqueer pansexual - I'm just going to end up the sort of material no one else will touch with a ten foot pole!
Granted this is probably a few years down he track so worrying about it is pointless, but I was so jazzed that I have got to a point where I could give expression to my sexuality as I could not as a miserable pre-op repressed transsexual, and even peripheral digging reveals that this may actually be impossible for anyone else to accept. Just too different. "Too hard basket." Too weird.
I know many people here are binary oriented, but what has been other people's experience? Did you think people would never accept the post-transition you, and that by being trans, you'd jettisoned yourself from the relationship possibility pool forever? Were you right? Wrong?
As I noted, I have zero experience dating post-transition or even post-op, and haven't even encountered issues of creepiness and fetishisation yet.
But from my reading it looks as if I won't have to - no one wants to go anywhere near a genderqueer, transgender pansexual.
Insight?
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AnxietyDisord3r

I suggest you start seeking out real life, in person queer spaces and go places lots of queer people congregate. I have found certain music scenes attract queer people but since I don't like that kind of music I find queer people involved in radical politics; but you might be able to find queer people hanging out at your local LGBT group as well.

There are a lot of people who identify their sexuality as "queer" and they have great energy (and usually lots of piercings) so go out there and meet them. You might find there are a lot more people out there who have common experiences with you than you thought.

Forget tumblr. Tis a silly place.

Oh, and bi/pan people are very, very real. They come in a lot of shapes and sizes and sexualities. Some bi people are drawn to GQ and trans people, some bi people seem to be sexually fluid, being drawn more to masc people at times and fem people at other times. Bi people as a group don't tend to have as many gathering places but bi people who are into queer people can usually be found hanging around places queer people hang out.

I would suggest finding the most radical queer groups out there and you are likely to find other people like yourself. If you have to, move to a bigger city. I live in a mid sized city and I've met a lot of queer people here so being GQ doesn't make you THAT special of a snowflake, sorry tumblr. Sometimes you're just one flake in a bank. :D
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josie76

First be assured that being "in between" binary sex roles is a perfectly valid reality for some people. Being a minority does not make it less real. There is science to support the reason behind people feeling as they do so try not to let the antagonists get to you. :) I have also read in the past some gay groups used to be very negative toward bi people, as if they were somehow dissing the gay community when they were just being tru to themselves. I don't think that is so much the case in the majority of our culture today. At least most of society is more accepting of all variations of human existence.

I can't help you on any dating advice. Seems like the best relationships come from incidental meetings not setup dating. That's been my observation anyway. It may not be about "putting yourself out there" as much as being open to the moment you feel a spark when you meet that person.
04/26/2018 bi-lateral orchiectomy

A lifetime of depression and repressed emotions is nothing more than existence. I for one want to live now not just exist!

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Dena

Welcome to Susan's Place. So far, this post doesn't meet the requirement to be moved but we have a sexual section on the site. Because the topics discussed can become a bit earthy, access to it is restricted until you reach 15 posts and we get to know a little about you. You will discover that post surgical, many members find happiness in the bedroom. One thing you should do now is explore your sexuality with your therapist and your SO to get a clear idea of your goals.

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Mariah

I agree with Dena explore your sexuality. It can and may change as you transition and discover things. Mine is what we discovered it was at the beginning of transition, but it did waver at one point. Which gets me to point two. Often it takes the right person for things just to click both romantically and sexually. I hope that helps. Hugs
Mariah
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[email]mariahsusans.orgstaff@yahoo.com[/email]
I am also spouse of a transgender person.
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CV

Oddly, I lived in arguably one of the most out and proud queer capital cities in the world for over a year, when I was sorting out some of my SRS stuff. We like to think that the transgender population are all just one awesome rainbow family full of interesting, liberated, open-minded and accepting people, but that isn't the case in the real world, when you get off the internet. I had much more opposition to me being genderqueer and bi/pansexual from the queer community than I did from the straight community. Most of which accusing me of "faking it" and not being a "real" transsexual.
I also realised that a staggering amount of transgender people have drug, alcohol, physical and mental health and other issues that impact greatly. I don't diss them for that - I've had my issues with the booze as well and was probably one of those nightmarish transgender messes screwing up everyone else's optimistic view of the queer world at one time, too. But it makes me wary about getting involved with many queer people, because I'm not willing to be involved with someone who is in active addiction, and living that lifestyle. If they're in recovery sure, "party drugs" occasionally at clubs, I can deal with. But not if they want to perpetuate addiction.
I was also part of one of the biggest queer organisations in the state when I lived in the inner city, and some of those people were cool, but many of them weren't.
Funny enough a great majority of them were kids (as in, anyone under 30 ;)) and pre-everything. I sort of became a go-to queer for transition information/mentoring rather than equal camaraderie, and wasn't greatly into that role. I don't know. Nothing clicked.
I certainly was not looking for a partner at the time, as I had (and have, as I said most of this is speculative at this point) too much to do in my own transition yet to be comfortable interacting in that way. I suppose it was just demoralising, putting some tentative feelers out there to see where things might go, and getting thwacked with all these (sometimes vehemently) negative views, creating the impression that I'd still be a leper, even in the LGBT+ world, for my queer gender and sexuality.
I'm not into social media at all so am not on things like tumblr, or even Facebook, where these sorts of debates go on. But the comments made did make me aware that others may be grouping me in with that crowd, the minute I said "pansexual" or "genderqueer." Which, incidentally, I don't usually say, preferring others to come to their own conclusions about me.
Thanks for the comments - I may try getting back at it with the queer world when I've sorted myself out a bit more physically, and maybe other crowds than the organisation I was with, and received many of my impressions from.
I'd just like some hopeful counterbalance to the overall theme I'm getting elsewhere - that compatibility with someone like me is possible, for someone somewhere, and I won't be viewed as a freak no one else wants to take on, etc etc.
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