Struggle with my parents.

[Dany]

Hi, girls!

I'm Jessica( I tried changing my name here but I think it's not possible to change it.) and have been on hormones for exactly 3 months.

So, my transition itself has been a lot more than what I could ever imagine, I started passing perfectly and without trying at 3 weeks, ever since then everyone threats me as a woman, everyone respects me, I use the girls restroom and no one even looks at me the wrong way. Ever. So socially things are going far better than expected after all I don't even know how transphobia feels like. I suppose I must have some kind of genetic side for me to be so successful, I mean, even though I haven't changed my voice at all, people say ( I asked in some cases) they assume I'm simply a woman with a slightly low voice that doesn't sound masculine at all.

But, at home things have been very, very complicated. My parents at first said they understand and respect me and they will support me no matter what, I thought wow that is awesome! As the time went by and my HRT was progressing I started realizing that what they said was nothing more than a big lie. To start with, there's no feedback. Nothing. They never ask anything about my transition, they don't ask how I'm feeling, don't offer help...nothing at all. They remain completely indifferent and ignore the fact that I'm doing this. This, in itself, already is a difficult  enough situation and as if it wasn't enough, they don't threat me as a woman. As it happens, in my language which is Portuguese there's a lot more words that are either feminine or masculine, like for example, almost every substantive. They don't try to say woman or girl, they simply keep calling me man, boy or whatever. Needless to say that hurts me immensely and it's making my life very hard.

The issue is that I no longer feel wanted in this house, I guess they don't have the guts to throw me out so they let me live here for the time being. I can't even begin to explain what it feels like to be somewhere people are clearly not happy to have you there. It really, really hurts, specially considering the fact that those people are your parents.  I don't know what else to do as I don't know for how much longer I can take this. To top it off, this ->-bleeped-<- hole of a country is in a deep crisis so getting a job is nearly impossible, even if you have a p.H.d. I can only hope suicide doesn't knock at my door again.

To give an example, this morning there was a fight. futile and without meaning.  I was extremely angry and worked out and in that moment I shouted to my "mom":"I'm gonna kill my self" several times. Do you know what she said? "Hold on, I'll bring the knife for you." She needs to be locked up in a sanitarium, <not allowed>, she's a psychopath.

Just to make it clear in case I let out the wrong impression, I am absolutely LOVING my transition. Nothing gives me more pleasure than to be who I am, to be free and not have to hide anything from anybody. I never had that. I just wish I didn't have to deal with this. It's like I say, doesn't matter how lucky you are as a transgender person, it'll always be very difficult, but I will never go back as that will certainly result in suicide.

Thanks for taking the time to read  my post!

<Language edited by moderator>

[FTMDiaries]

Well, for starters: we're not all girls here!

As painful as it is, it's important to remember that our loved ones are always several steps behind us when it comes to our transition. You're keen to get your transition over & done with so you can simply live your life as the woman you are... but your parents have spent however many years thinking of you as their son, and all this trans 'stuff' probably seems relatively new to them. So it'll take them some time to catch up with you, but they will eventually catch up.

Right now, let's look at the positives: you're on hormones. They haven't kicked you out. They aren't actively fighting against your transition. All of these things are absolutely brilliant, and they're good signs. From what I recall of my many Portuguese friends, their parents were relatively strict compared to my (British) parents so the fact that your parents are being this supportive is actually very encouraging.

But they're still using the masculine form around you, and that's incredibly painful to you. But they're doing it because they're still getting their heads around thinking of you in female terms. You've probably had years to come to terms with it, but I daresay they haven't had nearly as long. So they haven't yet 'bought into' the idea of you being female because they've invested so many years in thinking of you as being male. It takes time for them to reset their thinking. It can take our families years to get it right. But the fact that they're not actively fighting against your transition does suggest that they will eventually come round. Try to put yourself in their shoes and understand things from their perspective. Not only will it help you understand why they're struggling... it'll also help you come up with strategies to make things better.

And there are things you can do to make things easier for yourself. If they use the male form, you could correct them every time, or you could develop selective deafness and ignore them when they use it. If you explain (politely) that you'll only respond to the feminine form (and make sure you stick with that) they will eventually get the idea. If possible, ask your friends to visit you at home & to use the feminine form; this will help your parents grow accustomed to hearing it. And if they're not actively asking about your transition, that's probably because they're still getting their heads around it. Give them time. It took my family about 2 years to stop using female pronouns with me. 

If this morning's fight was futile and without meaning, was it worth getting that upset over? As you rightly say, we all face a lot of uphill in our lives. We have to pick our battles, and if a fight seems meaningless, sometimes it's better to just walk away from it rather than getting involved in unnecessary drama.

[KarlMars]

A therapist once told me that it is shocking for the family of a transgender person once the trans person comes out. She said it was almost like as if the "old me" had died. It takes them awhile to get used to my pronoun. They have a harder time with masculine pronouns than they do my name.