Are these feelings normal...?

[Kadence1]

Hey everyone! So some of you may have read my previous post "Am I transgender?" A lot of you guys gave me really great advice, and for that I want to say thank you!! I have come a long way since then in terms of accepting myself as transgender. I mean it's still hard (why? Why is it so hard to admit it to yourself) but overall, I think I'm coming to terms with it. Anyways, I just wanted to share my feelings and  ask if it's normal to feel this way?  I feel, most of all, confused. I am so god awfully confused. With myself, my life, and my thoughts. I'm so beyond sick of the "what if" thinking and the all the doubts. I'm sick of being confused of who I really am, and what my next step should be. I'm sick of thinking "what if" this is just a phase. "What if" I'm really not trans, but instead a-gender or non-binary. But then when I think of myself being non-binary or whatever, I think "no im definitely 100% trans." But then the doubts come back and it's just a repeating cycle. I'm sick of feeling alone and afraid. I mean, I live with my boyfriend and his mom (who I'm close too) and my family is supporting of it, but I still feel.... so... alone. So isolated. So ignored and irrelevant. I'm tired. I'm tired of fighting, I'm tired of the constant, never ending war between my heart and my brain. I'm tired of myself. This is all taking a toll on me. I'm depressed (never had this issue before), my anxiety disorder has gotten ten folds worse, I HATE the male aspects of my body (body hair, body odor, the fact I'm "starting to fill out as a man", etc.) I just hate everything right now. I hate where I'm at mentally, and physically. I'm about to make an appointment to go back on HRT, but then I get scared. I get scared of thinking about the future. I get scared when thinking about telling everyone around me about my "dirty little secret." I get scared of what my future has to bring. I get scared (yet happy) thinking of myself going by a different name, appropriate pronouns and how I'll look once the hormones kick in. I get scared thinking of what my family will say/do. I get scared of how drastically my life will change. It's like I WANT to become the girl I KNOW I am on the inside, and I WANT to live my life being true to myself and those around me, but there's something inside of me that WILL NOT let me. That something won't let the inner girl break out and be the true, genuine, person. It holds me back. It makes me suffer. It makes me think things I've never thought before. That something won't let me be....me. And then I get the feelings of being ashamed and the feelings of guilt. I feel guilty/ashamed of myself for "not being normal." For "letting my family down." I feel ashamed and guilty I'm not the "baby boy" I was born. I feel ashamed and guilty I have to drag my loved ones through this ugly mess with me. I feel ashamed and guilty for being myself. I go on throughout the days looking like everything is fine, but in all reality I'm dying inside. There's a constant war, a constant fight, a constant fear inside of me and no body knows how bad it really is. I don't want to be a burden to anyone with my problems and letting them know how I feel, so it gets bottled up. I know what I need to do to make myself happy again, but Im so god. Damn. Afraid. I get really happy thinking about myself as a girl and living life as a girl, but then I crash hard and end up where I am now. I don't know what to do. I'm stuck in this dark place, all by myself, confused, afraid, and depressed. I have all my "coming out" letters written and I even wrote a plan for my transition, but I don't know how to follow it when I'm feeling the way I am. How do I even start? It's like I take a step forward, then 10 steps back, then back into the closet. Sorry for ranting, I just really needed to get some of this off my chest... I hope things will get better here soon.

[KarlMars]

I think you should consider counseling to help you sort out your life. Choose someone who specializes specifically in transgender people. How do you think your relatives and boyfriend will react to this?

[Kadence1]

I've already been to 3 different therapists, who all said the same thing. That I am transgender and I just need to learn to accept it so I can live happily. My boyfriend and immediate family already know. They accept it and are supportive of it, but when I need someone to talk too, I can't turn to them as they're usually either busy or mentally unavailable.

[KarlMars]

You can always come here to talk to someone when you need to. I'm glad you have people that at least accept you for who you are. It's very hard for cis people to understand us. I often excuse them for their lack of understanding.

[Karlee]

Hi Pinderxx,

First and foremost: Yes, these feelings are normal. So don't worry about that too much.

You're not the first (and won't be the last) for feel completely confused by all of this. In fact, I share a lot of the same feelings as you do. It is a lot to digest and come to terms with!

It's good to see that you've been to a therapist and spoken about it. That is one of the hardest first steps to take in your journey, so celebrate that first little win!

You've gotten confirmation and validation of your feelings from a professional therapist, which is definitely something to find comfort in. The signs all point to you being trans! You don't need to worry about whether it is a phase, or whether your kidding yourself. All you need to know is that there is a conflict between your inner gender and your outward presentation of that, and how you cope with this and live a comfortable and happy life is completely up to you.

It is now your call about how you want to proceed with your journey. Remember, there is no right and wrong way to be trans. If you find a spot during transition (should you wish to proceed down that path) that doesn't involve surgeries or anything else, great! The main focus should he your own happiness and comfort. Remember, that it's only you, Pinderxx, that has to live with yourself 24/7. Nobody else does (or even should) live your life for you - that goes for family, friends and partners. They have their own lives to live, with their own different challenges.

I've read stories on here about how someone transitioning got to a point where the internal fighting just stopped and they were happy (and this was well before any surgeries). It just goes to show how individual and unique each person's journey is! It's about the journey of finding yourself and living as happily and comfortably as you can.

I get scared of thinking about the future. I get scared when thinking about telling everyone around me about my "dirty little secret." I get scared of what my future has to bring. I get scared (yet happy) thinking of myself going by a different name, appropriate pronouns and how I'll look once the hormones kick in. I get scared thinking of what my family will say/do. I get scared of how drastically my life will change. It's like I WANT to become the girl I KNOW I am on the inside, and I WANT to live my life being true to myself and those around me, but there's something inside of me that WILL NOT let me. That something won't let the inner girl break out and be the true, genuine, person. It holds me back. It makes me suffer. It makes me think things I've never thought before. That something won't let me be....me. And then I get the feelings of being ashamed and the feelings of guilt. I feel guilty/ashamed of myself for "not being normal." For "letting my family down." I feel ashamed and guilty I'm not the "baby boy" I was born. I feel ashamed and guilty I have to drag my loved ones through this ugly mess with me. I feel ashamed and guilty for being myself. I go on throughout the days looking like everything is fine, but in all reality I'm dying inside. There's a constant war, a constant fight, a constant fear inside of me and no body knows how bad it really is. I don't want to be a burden to anyone with my problems and letting them know how I feel, so it gets bottled up. I know what I need to do to make myself happy again, but Im so god. Damn. Afraid. I get really happy thinking about myself as a girl and living life as a girl, but then I crash hard and end up where I am now. I don't know what to do. I'm stuck in this dark place, all by myself, confused, afraid, and depressed. I have all my "coming out" letters written and I even wrote a plan for my transition, but I don't know how to follow it when I'm feeling the way I am. How do I even start? It's like I take a step forward, then 10 steps back, then back into the closet.

Girl, it feels like I'm reading my own diary - specifically this part! I can't tell you how many times I've been through the same thought pattern as you just described. One minute you know what you want and need to do, but the next it all comes crashing down with doubts, shame and guilt.

You're not alone in this. We've got a community of so many lovely people here, always willing to lend an ear to hear your ramblings and ravings, a shoulder to cry on or laughter to share.

Give yourself some slack, Pinderxx. Time is a great tool - It'll put things in perspective. You don't need to make a lifelong, life changing decision right now. As has been mentioned, if HRT feels so good, go on a low dose and see how you feel. It won't make drastic changes, but it may just put you in a better headspace to reevaluate how you're feeling and what you really want. That could be the platform that you need to get started.

Perhaps going and seeing your therapist again and discussing your thoughts and feelings could be another really good idea. They're professionals and they've dealt with trans people before. My therapist once said that whatever I told her wouldn't be a surprise, because she's heard it all before. They know what they need to do to help you out, regardless of what you tell them. It's their job, and a lot of them are really good at what they do.

Go easy on yourself. You're in a vulnerable and tough situation - one which you didn't ask for. But it doesn't have to be a horrible experience. Life is what you make it; being trans gives you an opportunity to craft a new life and live it to the fullest. Not a lot of people get to transform and learn so much about themselves like we do, so take it all with a grain of salt and stay positive. Love yourself, give yourself a break and let yourself unwind and relax. Coming to terms with being trans takes time - don't rush it. Let it happen. Keep taking steps forward and celebrating the small wins, and attend to setbacks and speed bumps as they arise.

You're doing good, girl. Stay positive and keep moving forward.
You'll find your way. We all will!

Take care of yourself, okay? Put yourself first, keep yourself healthy and safe, and make get yourself into a better headspace. You're not alone, you shouldn't feel ashamed for being you and having a unique challenge in your life.

Love,
Karlee <3

[Tessa James]

Pinderxx you have written well about what we have heard many many times and as previously noted those are thoughts and ideas that many of us have shared on our path.  Seems "normal" for one of us anyway

You have solid, well though out support from Karlee and ABB and i might only add that you are smart enough to imagine and consider the totality of what transition might mean.  The other reality point is that it never happens over night and you will have endless opportunities to reconsider, take a break or even, shudder, stop if things aren't right for you.  Prior to getting to the irreversible steps we face a bunch of other small and important steps.

You can take many small steps at anytime; got your ears pierced?, what kind of jewelry might you wear? I always preferred a woman's more petite watch, what about your hair? can you grow it out and shave that which might be less comfortable?  I know several people who always wear panties and nobody knows. 

There are ways to quiet or refute those awful internal debates relative to shame and self loathing.  I told myself those same lies for decades.  You deserve to be your real and most genuine self and the relief in giving up the charade is priceless.

[Asche]

I second the idea of continuing therapy.  (Maybe you already are.)

A large part of dealing with being trans is learning to accept yourself -- all of your self.  Learning to not hate and be ashamed of parts of yourself that you were taught to despise.  And this is the bread-and-butter of the therapist's trade.

Virtually every trans person I have talked to tells of having, as a child, stuffed large parts of themselves into a box and buried it deep inside because they learned that those parts would not be accepted.  Some of those parts are gender-related, some are not.  But when you come out to yourself as trans -- or rather, when the long-hidden trans part of you decides to come out to you whether you want it or not -- you end up having to deal with all those parts.

And, yeah, it's not fun.