Need help to stop thinking gender identity labels sound pretentious

[popa910]

While still in the process of self-exploration, I've come to the gradual realization that at the very least I'm what the LGBTQ+ community refers to as "non-binary" or "genderqueer", and possibly "genderfluid".

The problem is, when I imagine telling somebody (my girlfriend, for example) this, it always sounds very...pretentious.  "Pretentious" does not exactly encompass how it feels to me, but it captures the gist of it.  I'd rather describe my gender identity and related thoughts with the definitions of the words "non-binary" or "genderqueer" than use the actual words themselves.

I think this has something to do with the fact that I don't like to draw attention to myself and I don't like to "go against the grain".  Does anybody have some advice for overcoming this vocabulary aversion?  I don't want to just forget about this because: 1) I don't think it's a good thing that I am uncomfortable with these terms and 2) I want to be able to fit into a category, rather than remain a vagabond in limbo.  Thanks!

[VeronicaLynn]

One problem with any of these labels is that defining oneself as such has a tendency to limit oneself.

If you step back for a moment, and think about what cis-gender women and men are, there's quite a variety. While I do use genderfluid as my label, within this community, and elsewhere if I'm really cornered, though I am just me. Most often, I just am who I am, and the way most see me is as a guy who wears long hair, earrings, makeup, and feminine clothes.

I've always been more like a girl than a guy, but not completely a girl. I'm in my early forties, and for most of my life, I'd never even heard of these labels. I still was the same person back then though, I can't even fake being a guy all that well.

[Elis]

I suppose the more we explain these terms to people the more normal and less pretentious they'll seem. New scientific words sound pretentious at first but the more they enter our daily language the more normal sounding they become. I told my friend recently I found the term demiboy which was the term to describe myself that I've been looking for. I hate how uncomfortable it made me feel when she herself called me that but she luckily just sees me as me and not a specific gender. I hope that'll also be the norm in my life time indtead of people putting so much importance on what gender you are or not.

[j-unique]

I think this has something to do with the fact that I don't like to draw attention to myself and I don't like to "go against the grain".  Does anybody have some advice for overcoming this vocabulary aversion?

I think it's not possible to be "different" without drawing attention and social resistance (except when you hide it as good as possible). That's the logic of social norms, which only endure when non-conforming people are penalized. So, in my personal opinion, the choice is either to hide don't use unusual vocabulary and don't express unusual feelings and ideas), or to cause social irritation and resistance. Well at least I can't go with the first option ... (although I sometimes wish I could)

[Sarah7]

Sorry for bringing back an older thread, but this is a topic that I spend a lot of time thinking about.

I'm very resistant to labelling myself more than the absolute minimum necessary. When I see people have stuck their gender and sexuality labels and pronouns on social media it bothers me far more than it should.

The way I think about it at the moment is that it's like any specialized language. In the same way that I'm not going to start talking about "psychogeography" and "affect theory" with people who haven't studied the concepts, I'm not going to talk about the difference between polysexual and pansexual with someone who has no interest in sexual diversity studies.

Specialized language is useful within specific environments because it acts as a kind of shorthand. I can say I'm agender and people basically will know what that is, and even if it doesn't fit perfectly I can move on and finish the thought without saying "I don't experience gender, I don't feel like anything more than a person on the inside, etc., and going off on a long unnecessary tangent.

However, the use of complex gender language outside of appropriate environments bothers me because it presumes that everyone should know and educate themselves on these concepts. Which, to me, feels well... kind of classist. In the same way that a lawyer who speaks legalese outside of a law environment sounds like an ass. I'd much rather use plain language, and just describe how I feel if it's even relevant.

Now I respect the perspective that moving certain pieces of language into the mainstream is useful, but I'm not sure it is always superior to keeping a more detailed explanation of self. Sometimes words obscure more than they enlighten. This is why (good) writers will go to great lengths to portray anger in a character, rather than writing "he was angry." "He was angry" could mean so many different things. I'd rather the detail, nah?

[Ayla]

Sarah

I agree with your perspective. For some folk I just use my name, others my occupation, while in other situations I describe myself in terms of passions and relationships.  However when I think that it would help or when I think that failing to mention that I am trans is a touch disingenuous or inauthentic then I will describe myself as trans.

This is usually enough for most folk and for most circumstances.  However if they are curious/it is relevant I will qualify myself to another level - non binary, then androgynous, then gender fluid and speak in terms of a gender spectrum.  If the discussion goes further I will then argue against there being a gender spectrum and speak in terms of each person being a quite unique 'work in process', a soul on its journey etc.

Strangely this then just brings me back to my name.  Names are powerful things because they capture your essence and how folk understand you.  So in my deepest and most authentic relationships gender labels are unnecessary, I am just me.

Safe travels

Aisla 

[Satinjoy]

I also have a reaction to the labels, they have a tendency to aggravate me.   

So I cloak in the broad nonbinary spectrum, and to be rather hypocritical here, I identify as a nonbinary transsexual androgyne.

How to ditch the resentment?

I have a tendency to ignore the terms, to never invalidate someones use of them, and to encourage folk to describe how they are feeling.

And I use metaphors for gender like crazy.   Mine is a symphony, simultaneous experience of gender as one thing, finally become me.   

It helps, because the more I put it into a box, the more my gender can split, and gendersplit means for me crippling dysphoria both socially mentally and physically.

So I have to let my symphony play on, and enjoy the music.