Coming out to younger children?

[staciM]

Hi everyone, I've seen a few threads about coming out to children, but it's mostly older children...20+.  I'm looking for advice on coming out to younger kids....more specificity my 10 yo (almost 11) son.

My wife has known about my gender identity since before we were married and is incredibly supportive of a transition....she knows it's required for my mental health.  No problem there.

However, how have others started a conversation with kids that are perhaps not yet informed of what trans means but on the verge of puberty.  It's always been my thought that i need to do this soon, as into puberty a boy might be harder to get understanding from.  He's a great kid, sensitive and polite but I can't imagine he will see this coming (we have hid it very well for his entire life).  My wife and I believe we have the points we need to explain to him, some important ones are that we still love one another, will stay together, love him and none of that changes....even if i will change (happier) slowly over time.  I'm just having difficulty starting the conversation....how did you do it? 

Btw, I asked this is my intro thread but I understand how that could be buried ...sorry for a bit of a repost.

[Dena]

The younger the kid, the quicker they adjust. The main message is that you will be the same person you have always been and that you will care for them just as much. Don't overload them with facts but answer the questions that are asked. Explain that you have always been and felt this way and you are dealing with a problem that you have lived with for years.

[Tessa James]

Staci you are right that there are previous threads regarding this critical topic.  My response then and continues to be that honesty is the best policy and that our kids may already be very aware, beyond words, about who we are.  My two kids are a case in point.  I am also queer and have a long history that includes boyfriends.  In second grade my son would tell people that I was a cop or a fireman but not the truth that I was a nurse anesthetist.   He loved the fact that i was the one who held his hand, listened to his concerns and tucked him in at night with a kiss and bed time story.  But he faced the cultural bigotry we know too well and it came from his mom, who i divorced, and the typical school yard bullies.
When I fully came out he responded that "it makes sense since i felt i was being raised by two women." 

The truth we share with children need not be details but the basic concept and understanding that people are more than their appearance.  By keeping the truth from them we may suggest there is something wrong with being trans and we are ashamed of ourselves.  We allow ourselves this vulnerability and that may help them to share more of their feelings as well.

I applaud you and your partner for standing up with those "important points" and suggest you begin with just that;  Your mother and i have something important to talk with you about.  It will take time to digest and imagine you as loving parents for taking this step.

[SammyGirl]

I have been struggling with aspect myself I'm still undergoing therapy myself and trying to find the best time to even come out to my wife.  My little boy is six and I'm trying to work out how to explain that his Poppy (he has never called me dad or daddy) is a she.   How do you explain what hormones are to a child.  When he was little he broke is femur (spiral fracture) and had to have a plate put in temporarily.  I worry about how he will react on the far off day that I come home from the hospital after getting FFS or SRS.

[Tessa James]

I have been struggling with aspect myself I'm still undergoing therapy myself and trying to find the best time to even come out to my wife.  My little boy is six and I'm trying to work out how to explain that his Poppy (he has never called me dad or daddy) is a she.   How do you explain what hormones are to a child.  When he was little he broke is femur (spiral fracture) and had to have a plate put in temporarily.  I worry about how he will react on the far off day that I come home from the hospital after getting FFS or SRS.

I wonder if your post contains elements to work with?  Your son had a fracture that medicine and surgery helped to fix and heal.  You have a break that is also, on the surface, invisible and that needs medical attention, HRT?

[staciM]

Hi everyone, I figured I would come back and give a bit of an update...

My first therapy session was an eye opener and we have some things to go through....in the longterm I believe it will be healthy.  However, in the short term my therapist recommended against telling my son at this point....he felt it would be really difficult on him.  This comment was without much context so I'm planning on getting into much more detail in upcoming sessions.

[staciM]

A wonderful update.....

It was a very emotional talk between my wife, son and I but after the initial shock and him trying to grasp the odd concept of transition, he has been incredibly understanding.  We are now involving him in transition discussions (hair removal, ear piercings, group therapy etc) and he's been asking lots of questions over the past couple days ....which shows us his interest in the process.  We also went shoe shopping yesterday and it didn't really phase him except for his comment that we are going to have lots of woman's shoes in the house between my wife and I

The most important message we wanted to convey was that this isn't a choice, it's a need, and he isn't losing a "Daddy" as much he's gaining a much healthier and happier parent.  After all the emotion was over and we discussed all the details he came over, gave me a huge hug and said that me being happy and healthy is what was most important.

Kids are really incredible.

[Tessa James]

A very welcome story of shared family love and concern.  Good for You and thanks.

[NikkiB51]

Brought tears to my eyes.  I have the support of my wife, but she absolutely forbids any discussion or outward feminine actions in front of the kids (13 and 7).  I am working towards hrt  (low dose to start), so this discussion may have to be readdresed if I "take" to E like some have.  My T is already low, so Spiro will crash it pretty hard.  I am hoping for something gradual so I have time to convince my wife that "the conversation" needs to happen. 

My son I am not worried about, in some ways I think he already knows.  He is a very precocious young man.  I tend to play females in rpg's I play and he has asked me why.  I have always given him the "male" answer that I like to have something to look at while playing.  My daughter, though, is another story.  She is obliviouso to anything.

I hope my talk goes well.

[staciM]

Here's the thought I've had going through my head when coming out to our son, extended family and friends that could help, or at least it's something to consider.  Even if my transition fails for some strange reason or another, (which I'm not expecting), all these people should, even deserve, to know the real me, not the shell I've been "forced" to portray. 

Even if your low dose HRT "test" results in not transitioning, do you want to hide this utterly critical part of you for the rest of your life?   Wouldn't you rather that the people that you love know the true person inside....so you can be yourself around them?  For me, I was just tired of putting up the defense, saying one thing, when I wanted to say it differently, wearing drab, when I was more comfortable in something else.  Sure, they may treat you differently (as a woman), but isn't that what you want?

[NikkiB51]

Had a nice talk withave my wonderful wife last night.  I reminded her of when we were on vacation last year and asked her if she liked the person I was there.  She did and I reminded her I was on phytoestrogen then.  Cut to the chase, she is okay with me starting hrt.  I brought up the kids and she is even getting closer to letting them in on the secret.  We will see.  Now to get that appointment.

[Megan.]

Good topic.  I've got two young ones under 5. There is so little support and guidance on how best to broach the subject to them, and how much or little information they want or are able to comprehend.

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[josie76]

That's great for you Staci!

My wife actually told our daughters. She started explaining about privacy and how some people can be mean about things they don't understand. Then she explained that I wanted to be a girl. The kids were wonderful. They get it and are really supportive. They usually call me Josie at home but dad out in the world when I'm in male clothes. My youngest just asked me if I really felt like a girl. I said yes and she answered ok. She's the smartest 6 year old I e ever known! 

[staciM]

Thats wonderful Josie, great to hear other success stories.

I've been working in gradually more feminine attire over this week and nothing has phased him, but continues to ask questions.  He's been amazing. 

When we had the talk with him we told him that he could decide on what he's comfortable with calling me....for now it continues to be "daddy", but I haven't pressed the subject.  Over the next couple weeks I'll begin asking him what he feels comfortable with and see what happens.  All positive steps.

[MeTony]

Kids are very adaptive and smart. My son, who is 15, had already figured it out when I told him. He is genderfluid and was sad and told me that he feels like a girl sometimes and then he is a boy again. That's when I told him I'm transgender. He said "I know. I've noticed. And that explains a lot. "
My younger son,12 yo, has not been told. But maybe I make him confused. He says "Dad...mom" to me. I guess he somewhere knows that too.

But telling my husband is waaay harder. He lives in complete denial.

[Panzergirl177]

I'm going to be asking my therapist about this too. We have 5 kids between 7 and 14. Our second oldest is out to us as genderfluid and our middle daughter is out to us as bi. Our twelve year old takes LGBT stuff very seriously, she's even doing school projects in support of LGBT rights. So I don't really worry about the older kids. My youngest daughter worries me though, she is very much a daddy's girl. Maybe she will be a newmommy's girl? My youngest son, idk, he acts feminine already at 7. Maybe it's because his two closest siblings by age are girls or maybe he will eventually follow in my footsteps. I think he would just be more confused at first than anything. People call him my clone and knowing what I know now and watching my son, I wouldn't be surprised at all if he decided to transition some day.

[barbie]

Kids are generally more open-minded, accepting and flexible than adults. Aged people tend to be bigots. Yes. Kids are as smart as adults.

I do not try to talk with my kids regarding that issue. Just showing myself is enough. They understand it like adults. My little daughter is very curious about all makeup and fashion items I keep at my room. She opens and tries all of them.

For example, today morning, she painted her face with my eyeliner. I told her that it is a very expensive one, but she kept playing with it. She seems to think it is a kind of pencil. Sigh...

barbie~~

[Floof]

So awesome that the kid is taking it so well, and genuinely being supportive! Congratulations

Young kids seem to handle it really well.. My older sisters young daughters (5 and 7) spent about an hour with me before I had totally shedded my old identity and become a woman in their eyes. So wonderful. ..My younger brother had a much harder time initially. He was an awkward teenager at that time, and we were very close as brothers so he didn't take it too well when he 'lost' me. He's never been awful to me, just doesn't want to talk about my transitioning and was quite uncomfortable with it for a long time. Getting a lot better as he is growing older though, and our relationship has recovered a lot; however I fear we will never be as close as before I came out

[jgravitt01]

Thats wonderful Josie, great to hear other success stories.

I've been working in gradually more feminine attire over this week and nothing has phased him, but continues to ask questions.  He's been amazing. 

When we had the talk with him we told him that he could decide on what he's comfortable with calling me....for now it continues to be "daddy", but I haven't pressed the subject.  Over the next couple weeks I'll begin asking him what he feels comfortable with and see what happens.  All positive steps.

So happy things went so good for you and your son! My son is the same age 10 (11 in April) and I want to have the talk but my wife is totally against me telling him.
I am going to respect her wishes but I still feel the need to tell him some day near in the future. I start HRT on Wednesday as long as my blood work comes back ok.
It will become more obvious as I move forward.

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[Daniellekai]

I don't have kids, but I do have a nephew that looks up to me, terrified he'll want to mimick me, not really understanding all of the downsides. That's one of those "I'll cross that bridge when I get there" things for me though...