Feeling helpless

[Janes Groove]

I'm not weak, I want to live.   

100% correct.  You are not weak .  Having these feelings is natural.  Many of us have learned, however, that trying to be too strong is the problem.  When I was your age I was definitely that way.  And so  I ended up in the 41% of the trans community that actually has attempted suicide.  I had to learn the hard way that not asking for help and waiting too long to ask for help was being too strong.   So I'm lucky just to be here.  A lot of people in the trans community weren't so lucky.   Since you are reaching out and being honest about how you feel you are doing the right thing.  It will be hard, but it will get better.

[Saira128]

Hey Saira,

A lot of the lovely people in this community have given you some great advice. I just wanted to offer my support to you as well.

You're not alone in this. There are so many of us with so many of the same feelings as you, and there are so many of us with feelings that are so different. There is no one way to be trans, and there is no one way to deal with it. You're unique and beautiful in your own individual way!

The main thing is to look after yourself. I can relate to your feelings, especially with being distracted and unable to concentrate - I too am supposed to be studying right now! I've noticed so many ebbs and flows with my feelings; for me, it's never just constant. It changes all the time, which makes things even more confusing.

The point is, don't worry so much about it all. You are taking steps forward, which is great. Focus on your progress and embrace the journey. Remember, you're at the very start and you've got a lot of great things ahead of you.

Much love,
Karlee <3

Thank you Karlee.

Love,
Saira.

[Saira128]

Hi,

You are on you way and you are doing something to address who you are. Once your trans coping skills get overwhelmed then everything comes at you and it is difficult to think about anything else.

It can help to do something for yourself each day. Perhaps that is wearing something under your clothing or shaving or taking a bath with some nice scents. Perhaps paint your toenails.

I also found it important to try to put limits on thinking about trans things. Studying is one of the things I did that helped a lot. You can write down all the things you would like to do and when, a plan or a time line. I did this and have accomplished many things on my time line and have five or so to go.

You are not alone and many of us here know exactly what you are going through.

I'll wear something feminine. Don't know if it would make me feel any better, but I'll try.
     Gotta go shopping.

[Saira128]

When I was a younger kid I wanted the magical transformation. I even half-convinced myself it was going to happen and of course it didn't. I got depressed, then resolved that I didn't want to die - if only to give Life the finger and tell it I'm never checking out on my own, it'd have to KILL me - and tried to ignore it as best I could and get on with trying to do other things in life. At that point I never knew transition was even a possibility for someone like me. I thought it was either something very ill or very rich people got to do... not someone like me who was pretty ordinary.

The moment I found out I could transition I hardly dared entertain the thought for a while because I knew I'd go for it. At any cost.

So just think... it's a possibility, it's something you can do. It won't happen overnight but imagine if there was no way ever it could be a reality - we know it can be. We have that chance.

Yes, I think I just need to be patient.

[Saira128]

100% correct.  You are not weak .  Having these feelings is natural.  Many of us have learned, however, that trying to be too strong is the problem.  When I was your age I was definitely that way.  And so  I ended up in the 41% of the trans community that actually has attempted suicide.  I had to learn the hard way that not asking for help and waiting too long to ask for help was being too strong.   So I'm lucky just to be here.  A lot of people in the trans community weren't so lucky.   Since you are reaching out and being honest about how you feel you are doing the right thing.  It will be hard, but it will get better.

I haven't attempted it, but I have come close once.
     I keep on trying to not think about that one time. I was very scared. I felt tired, even though, I hadn't come out of my bed in 2 days.
I don't know, what had taken over me, I was in some kind of a self-destuction mode.
     
     I still am depressed, but that day was something else altogether. That was the day I joined this forum.

     I think, this forum has literally saved my life.

       I am on anti-depressants but the meds just don't seem to work. I'm not sure if I am allowed to mention the name of the drug here.

      Chatting with people here has become the high point of my day. I am happy when I speak here, because I am allowed to show my true self.
      The rest of my day, I feel like I am acting in a very dull movie. 

[SailorMars1994]

Hey girl! just wanted to add my 2 cents in. If you havent already seen a counsellor see one now or asap. It will help. I too hate being manly and looking masculine. And dont even get me started oh what life was like with testosterone :O ! with that said you may need guidence to help you on your journey to becoming you. I know one thing, i am more feminine then not. When i was living as a man and had thoughts of beciming a girl i felt better, life was going to be going places, this is how it should have been, ect. When i was living as a woman with thoughts of doubts and how i may end up a man again i cried, drank, self harmed, couldnt get a proper sleep, like often getting up at odd hours during the most recent summer walking around town aimlessly at 5 am just pondering why am i having doubts. Now that i restarted estorgen and living as Ashley again i feel way better. I still got my  moments of doubt, but i know what the alternative is. Hope you get through this <3

[Saira128]

Thank you Ashley. I am seeing a therapist.
    Its good to know that you are back being your true self.

[SailorMars1994]

Thank you! its a hard road to go down. Have you found therapy helpful at all?

[Saira128]

Thank you! its a hard road to go down. Have you found therapy helpful at all?

Yes, well I have had just 2 sessions till now. But atleast, it has helped me clear all doubts and be sure about myself.
     I sometimes have these overwhelming thoughts, and I wonder if I am kidding myself. I think about the hard choices I will have to make in the future. I sometimes think, do I really want to make my life so difficult?
     Then, I come here and rant and wonderful people like you motivate me, and bring me back to reality.
    And the reality is, I just want to be a girl so bad.