Guilt?

[AshleyC]

I've been out to myself for about a month or so now, and have become mostly comfortable with what the near future holds once I begin to come out to others. However, I've been suffering from a tremendous amount of guilt any time I have an interaction with my girlfriend wherein she calls me handsome, or says anything related to how she feels lucky to have me, etc.

Has anyone else experienced this prior to coming out?

[Michelle_P]

I've been out to myself for about a month or so now, and have become mostly comfortable with what the near future holds once I begin to come out to others. However, I've been suffering from a tremendous amount of guilt any time I have an interaction with my girlfriend wherein she calls me handsome, or says anything related to how she feels lucky to have me, etc.

Has anyone else experienced this prior to coming out?

Only for about 3 decades after I realized what I really was but suppressed it.  Seriously.  It generally goes away after you come out.

I felt guilty every time I was given a complement on my manliness.  I knew what I was deep inside, no matter how hard I repressed it. What others perceived as embarrassment, or shyness, the whole 'Aw, shucks..." thing, was guilt.

Don't do what I did.  I'm a living bad example that way.


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[JoanneB]

I've been out to myself for about a month or so now, and have become mostly comfortable with what the near future holds once I begin to come out to others. However, I've been suffering from a tremendous amount of guilt any time I have an interaction with my girlfriend wherein she calls me handsome, or says anything related to how she feels lucky to have me, etc.

Has anyone else experienced this prior to coming out?

Are you "Out" to her?

My wife who knew of my gender issues for some 40 year and is now trying to cope with my change of status from CD to TS will trip all over herself sometimes between things like "Handsome", "Man" etc.. I can't say I ever felt anything like "Guilt" over hearing it beyond the well earned; "She did not sign up for this trip" guilt.

For some 40 year I was "The Man" albeit, one that needed the occasional escape from maleness. Still, for all intents and purposes I lived up to that role. Seven years ago after finally realizing I needed to take on the Trans-Beast for real... well, that was a seismic shift of all our shared Hopes, Wishes, and Dreams. Let alone her sense of betrayal and other coping feelings. So yes, I do do feel some guilt hearing my wife, BFF, Lover, Reality Therapist, say or use male pronouns or references. TBH, I am also still living and present primarily as male.

It's confusing and complicated for us both.

[josie76]

For me I always understood it to be a complement but what I felt was negativity as it triggered my disphoria each and every time.

[AshleyC]

Not out to anyone but this forum haha. Hence the guilt when she compliments me. I keep wondering how lucky she'll feel to have me when I finally say something.

Are you "Out" to her?

My wife who knew of my gender issues for some 40 year and is now trying to cope with my change of status from CD to TS will trip all over herself sometimes between things like "Handsome", "Man" etc.. I can't say I ever felt anything like "Guilt" over hearing it beyond the well earned; "She did not sign up for this trip" guilt.

For some 40 year I was "The Man" albeit, one that needed the occasional escape from maleness. Still, for all intents and purposes I lived up to that role. Seven years ago after finally realizing I needed to take on the Trans-Beast for real... well, that was a seismic shift of all our shared Hopes, Wishes, and Dreams. Let alone her sense of betrayal and other coping feelings. So yes, I do do feel some guilt hearing my wife, BFF, Lover, Reality Therapist, say or use male pronouns or references. TBH, I am also still living and present primarily as male.

It's confusing and complicated for us both.

[sarah1972]

I may be experiencing a different kind of guilt right now. So far things have been good but last week my wife had a total melt down on me being trans and it did bring up a whole lot of other issues. So I did get ditched into this pile of guilt for making her life so complicated, followed by piles of dysphoria. What made matters worse is that I was on a business trip and we could only talk on the phone. The guilt became so bad that I did consider removing myself from the equation. We have talked a bit more since and things did get butternut I am still having these guilt attacks. For a few days after coming back home, I went back into make mode and naturally hated it (and myself for it). At least we have been able to clear that up and we agreed on a "dress code" at home. Guess we have to work out a ton of additional stuff, at least we are communicating better. I have to admit that I did overlook how much trouble she is going through. She remains tremendously supportive and understanding but also very concerned what the future holds.

Coming out to your girlfriend will be extremely hard however at some point you might need to have the discussion. I really do hope it goes well for you (and there are many great examples of that here). I hope you do not repeat the same mistake I made and assume everything is OK even if she claims to support you.

Someone here said it is not only us transitioning but our entire environment. We have to keep this in mind and act accordingly. 

[AshleyC]

That's heart wrenching, Sarah. I hope things with you and your wife get better.

I want to come out to her so badly, and a big part of me believes she'll be supportive, given that she is LGBTQ as well (pansexual), but there's also a gnawing in the back of my head that says "she didn't sign up for this. It could still go poorly." Hopefully that little voice is proven wrong.

[Paige]

That's heart wrenching, Sarah. I hope things with you and your wife get better.

I want to come out to her so badly, and a big part of me believes she'll be supportive, given that she is LGBTQ as well (pansexual), but there's also a gnawing in the back of my head that says "she didn't sign up for this. It could still go poorly." Hopefully that little voice is proven wrong.

Hi Ashley,

Nobody signs up for the bumps that come with life.   Keeping this from her isn't good for her either.  Do you have a therapist that could help you with this?  It does sound like she'll be very understanding.  Also remember, there are quite a few people here whose significant others have turned out to be very supportive.

Paige

[AshleyC]

No therapist. Just going it alone at the moment.

I'm 100% going to be telling her soon. I just worry about doing it this close to the holidays, and having that hanging over everything. If I don't do it before then, I'll do it right after the new year rings in. I don't want to wait long. It's not fair to either of us.

[Tessa James]

Ah yes, Guilt, another of the gifts that keep on giving!  Like shame they may indeed be those tiny voices or have the grip of steel keeping us in our too comfy closets.  As Michelle suggests I can be another bad example of staying too quiet too long about who and what I am. 

The truth allows others the opportunity to know us and our depth much better and decide for themselves about how to respond.  That is their choice while we can set ourselves free and spread these lovely gossamer wings.

[sarah1972]

That's heart wrenching, Sarah. I hope things with you and your wife get better.

Thank you :-) I did not mean to discourage you. Things for me have been better - today we wanted to grab lunch and I suggested to get out of my girl jeans. She looked at me with a big question mark and asked why :-) So off I went with her in 100% girl clothes, shoes and breast forms and she was fine with it (I asked a few times). I know it is still fragile but at least some progress. Given some of the other really sad coming out stories I have read here, I can consider myself extremely lucky.

I hope when you come out to your girlfriend everything will go well!

[AshleyC]

Soooooo this didn't go quite as planned.

Last night, my girlfriend asked me if everything was ok. She had noticed I'd been a bit distant recently. I assured her everything was ok, and that I loved her, but apparently that wasn't quite enough.

She's always up before me, and this morning she came into the room to wake me up, and my day started with:

"Is there something you want to talk to me about that you've been hiding?"

Me = deer in headlights.

I tried to play it cool like "Why? What's wrong?" hoping/praying it was just further worrying from the night before.

"It's ok. I know."

I must have sat there for minutes just staring at her, not knowing what to do.

Turns out, she was so bothered by my distance lately that she couldn't sleep. She was up at 3am, and went looking on my laptop for something, anything, that would tell her what was going on with me. She noticed a lot of the 'likes' I've done on Twitter recently have been of trans women I follow. She noticed blog posts by trans singer of Against Me in my history.

Then the bombshell: the recent uploads list for my Dropbox are literally just two files - my avatar, and a draft of my coming out letter for Facebook.

I didn't know what to do. I asked if we could talk after work.

"Of course. But before we do that, I just want you to know that this doesn't change anything. I still love you. I'm here for you, and I'm still going to marry you someday."

I don't deserve this woman.

[Tessa James]

OMG that is a very welcome development.  What a cool partner for you!  It may yet become more complicated but that statement of love and support speaks volumes.

Good for you two!

[Michelle_P]

Wow!  That's just amazing, Ashley. Like many of us, I had a fantasy about a result like that. I didn't get it, but I am very happy you did.  That's wonderful.


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[Paige]

"Of course. But before we do that, I just want you to know that this doesn't change anything. I still love you. I'm here for you, and I'm still going to marry you someday."

That's such great news.  You've got an amazing gal there.  Good luck with your journey.
Paige

[sarah1972]

"Of course. But before we do that, I just want you to know that this doesn't change anything. I still love you. I'm here for you, and I'm still going to marry you someday."

So sweet:-) I am very happy for you. Once your initial shock has settled you will notice the big weight lifted of your chest. And having a supportive women by your side is worth so much. Hope your talk after work did go as well as your morning!