The rational part of me, which when functioning, is what keeps me going, knows I am loved and supported, knows there is indeed a "Great Big Beautiful Tomorrow" (A Walt Disney World reference, for more information google "Walt Disney's Carousel of Progress") and feels in her heart that I can persevere through times in which the child in me wants to stay in bed forever and perhaps not ever wake up tomorrow at all; however, my rational side is, sadly, all too often, not accessible during periods or episodes of crushing turmoil. I have friends who say, "feel free to call me anytime", and they mean it, but at 3am, when I am in the storm, I can feel a mere burden to others, an object of pity not love, unworthy of love, etc... Such is the nature of an anxiety/depressive episode.
Apparently I must have, somewhere, a pretty good instinct for self-preservation, for I have yet to act on any of the truly irrational actions, that during episodes of desperation, I have thought a brilliant idea. Anyone familiar with the animated film
Inside Out will be able to imagine the actions that occur inside me; there is a Sadness, a Joy, an Anger, a Hope, a Disgust (who during the storm is mostly disgusted with herself), an Anxiety, a Depression, an Elation, a Fear, a Shame (who behaves much like Disgust), and a Love). Some of these Avatars can make my days magical, while others can turn a day of happiness into a time of pain very swiftly; it as if the negative Avatars suddenly take it upon themselves to gang up on Joy, Love,Hope, and Elation like children in an Elementary School playground (very little of what happened on the playground of my childhood could rightfully be called "play" but let's not dwell on that!), gleefully taking turns to taunt and tease them and poke them with sharpened sticks. It is becoming seemingly more difficult to break free of these times and there can be an almost seductive desire to simply give up, but so far I have found it in myself to "Keep Moving Forward".
Gender Dysphoria can manifest itself in a variety of ways; for me it is usually focused on my facial hair. Looking in a mirror often makes me cry as I
shave.In the movie
Mulan there is a song titled, "Reflection" which features the line, "Why is my reflection someone I don't know?" which is all too real far too often. Other body parts can sicken me to see as well. Dysphoria is triggered daily, when I am stared at or called "sir" or "mister". Only once have I managed to correct someone on this point. It can feel magical when people use the proper pronouns but it seldom happens, except by those who have come to know me. Recently a customer came into my workplace, took one look at me and pretty much fled, a good thing too, it meant she didn't get to see me cry. This can contribute often to an episode of anxiety.
Yesterday I used a neat thing that showed the words most used by me on Facebook and "tomorrow" was the word most used. This came as a surprise to me, but upon reflection I have come to realize that it is tomorrow (which for me most often is a synonym for one day returning to the magic of Orlando) that I focus on when in need of hope.
I am absolutely dreading the holidays. I have a brother who has yet to call me by my proper name, and misgenders me deliberately. My parents are making an effort to use my proper name, which helps. I have been struggling so much lately that having to be happy and festive for more than an hour or two seems an impossible task.
