Random jumpled dysphoric thoughts

[zamber74]

I'm curious where I will be in five years, for now I seem to be bouncing all over the place, as to when I will see a therapist, when I will start HRT, if I will be full time, when I will pursue surgeries and so on.  I'm at the point now, that I am just going to take it one step at a time, and there is nothing set in stone. 

I would love to get FFS at some point, I would like to get hair implants, I'm not sure about surgery for my voice, because I like to sing and am not sure what effect that would have on me, I also have a very expressive voice, and love playing around with it.. yeah, I'm rambling on again 

I'm worried about passing, I think of myself as barrel chested, my hands are on the big side, I have size 10 1/2 feet, and I think I am 5'10.. it has been so long since I have seen a doctor though, that I am not sure anymore, I may have shrunk. 

I took measurements of my body, and it is really depressing.

Shoulders (circumference, not sure how to do it any other way):
44 inch

Stomach at belly button(sucked in)
39 inches.

neck
15 inches

Underbust( right under your chest right?)
40 inches

Biceps (flexed at largest point):
14 inches

Hips, I'm unsure because of my belly, lol. 

I'm currently 220 pounds, and I have a big 'ol belly.  My back looks like a washboard, I do have a butt though lol. 

Being this heavy though, gives me hope.  I know I have at least 60 pounds of fat on me, I'm hoping my shoulders trim down as I lose weight and muscle.  I hope my bone structure is smaller than I think it is, that all of this fat and muscle makes it appear larger.  When I grasp around my wrist my fingers slightly overlap, which is supposed to mean a smaller bone structure, but I just don't know, I won't know until all of this weight is gone.


I know all of these numbers will go down, but I always see this big husky male body, and it makes me super depressed at times.  I've always seen myself as big boned, even in high school I weighed in the 220 pound range, bleh.

It is strange, sometime I look in the mirror, and think I may just be able to pull this off, a lot of times I look in the mirror and think I will never be able to pull it off, that I will never pass and just be seen as some sort of scary monster to the world.  I've seen so many of you, who look so great, and I don't know if I can do it.

I am going to pursue transition one way or the other, how far I take it I don't know, if I am absolutely unable to pass, I think I will just stay in hiding, wearing regular male clothes, but even then it would be an improvement for me, and me alone. 

Thanks for reading, sorry for the huge jumbled mess of incoherent thoughts sprawled across your screen.     Any words of encouragement out there to help me get through the day? 

[KathyLauren]

I'm at the point now, that I am just going to take it one step at a time, and there is nothing set in stone. 

That is probably the best way to do it.

"Passing" is often made out to be the gold standard of transitioning.  I think it might be over-rated, and it is certainly not well-defined.  Passing is often assumed to mean that no one would detect you as anything but a woman (in the case of mtf).  I am happy for the folks that can pull this off.  It certainly would improve their expectations of safety in a messed-up society.

But even those who post such gorgeous, stealth-worthy pictures in the "Do I Pass" and "You Look Fabulous" threads may not pass when they speak.  And many more of us cannot realistically expect to live in stealth even visually.

Personally, I am aiming to be gendered as female most of the time.  The times I fail to pass will suck, but the times I do pass will make up for them.  I don't mind if people "make" me as trans.  It's the truth, after all, and I have never had a problem with the truth.  As long as they recognize that I am aiming for a female presentation and have the decency to address me that way, I will consider that I "pass" well enough.

I have broad shoulders, and a wide, square chest.  I have a baritone voice that I may or may not learn to control well enough to sound androgynous if not feminine.  My hair is very thin on top (okay, full disclosure, I am most of the way towards bald), and the longest I can grow what remains is just past collar length.  I am losing weight, but I still have a little bit of flab around my middle.  On the plus side, I have some kinda cute moobs.

But, dressed up, I can pull off a fairly decent old lady look.  I'll take it.  If people see me and think, "That old lady might be trans", I'll be okay with it.  Only if they think, "That man is wearing a dress" will I be upset. 

Ultimately, it is not about what other prople think.  I am doing this transition for myself.  I can't bear the thought of living my remaining years as an old man.  I have to be myself, even if the rabble don't like it.  So I'll wear my wig and my skirt because I like it and because I need to be me.  If the rabble don't like it, ... tough.

[zamber74]

"Passing" is often made out to be the gold standard of transitioning.  I think it might be over-rated, and it is certainly not well-defined.  Passing is often assumed to mean that no one would detect you as anything but a woman (in the case of mtf).  I am happy for the folks that can pull this off.  It certainly would improve their expectations of safety in a messed-up society.

That is my main concern, safety.  I get worried that people might try to hurt me, also being ridiculed and laughed at, discriminated against, kicked out of stores and so on.   

But even those who post such gorgeous, stealth-worthy pictures in the "Do I Pass" and "You Look Fabulous" threads may not pass when they speak.  And many more of us cannot realistically expect to live in stealth even visually.

I love those threads!  It makes me really happy to see you all passing, and being happy. 

Personally, I am aiming to be gendered as female most of the time.  The times I fail to pass will suck, but the times I do pass will make up for them.  I don't mind if people "make" me as trans.  It's the truth, after all, and I have never had a problem with the truth.  As long as they recognize that I am aiming for a female presentation and have the decency to address me that way, I will consider that I "pass" well enough.

I think I would be happy like that as well, I'm more so concerned about my own low self esteem right now, if I can not respect myself, how can I possibly command the respect of others.. 

I have broad shoulders, and a wide, square chest.  I have a baritone voice that I may or may not learn to control well enough to sound androgynous if not feminine.  My hair is very thin on top (okay, full disclosure, I am most of the way towards bald), and the longest I can grow what remains is just past collar length.  I am losing weight, but I still have a little bit of flab around my middle.  On the plus side, I have some kinda cute moobs.

I've got the moobs too!  They sort of wrap around under my arms right now, god I have so much weight to lose.  I got a big bald spot on the back of my head, it drives me nuts.  My voice, I think I can manage it eventually, I've always had a pretty animated voice, it will take work but I think I can do it.

But, dressed up, I can pull off a fairly decent old lady look.  I'll take it.  If people see me and think, "That old lady might be trans", I'll be okay with it.  Only if they think, "That man is wearing a dress" will I be upset. 

Ultimately, it is not about what other prople think.  I am doing this transition for myself.  I can't bear the thought of living my remaining years as an old man.  I have to be myself, even if the rabble don't like it.  So I'll wear my wig and my skirt because I like it and because I need to be me.  If the rabble don't like it, ... tough.

I think you have a beautiful face, I can't see the rest of you, but you most certainly have an awesome personality.  Thank you for responding Kathy