Was the decision to transition gradual or like a light switch?

[JMJW]

There's two aspects to this. Hormone related transition and non hormone related transition.

The non hormone parts was like a light switch. I was fed up of the misery. The feeling like I was cursed.

The hormone decision is a long, chronic, dragged out debate in my mind. That  as of now, doesn't have a definite answer. If I get bottom surgery of some sort, would I always be able to afford hormones? Will the UK NHS even be here in the next fifteen years? Alternatively, am I prepared to take Spironolactone long term? Would any of this truly help me? Maybe I can get by with femme dressing and lots of art expression Or not.

[Donna]

Two part answer here.

One, if I were to ignore the fact that I love my wife and love my relationship status, if it were just me, I would have transitioned 20 to 30 years ago. I could turn the light switch now for myself at any time.

The other answer is reality. I do love my wife and she says she loves me, and I am as afraid of losing her if I  transition as I am afraid of death. Maybe I am less afraid of death. However I do cherish her and want to care for her and love her forever, and hope to be loved by her as much. What is gradual is the slow build of rejecting self denial and forcing my core inner being from being expressed. I cry silently to myself as I smile lovingly at my wife every time I see her. I do love her deeply and unconditionally. I hope she feels the same about me. What is gradual is that I am about to burst, to explode, unless I take the woman in me and let her shine. I do not need gender therapy for myself now. For myself I would transition instantly. I need gender therapy to lead to couples or marriage therapy to help my wife see how miserable I am.

[Donna]

I know that I must sound pathetic. My wife loves me and I am sure about it.
What is pathetic is that I have been afraid to tell my wife that I want to be her wife.

I can do this.

[Donna]

There's two aspects to this. Hormone related transition and non hormone related transition.

The non hormone parts was like a light switch. I was fed up of the misery. The feeling like I was cursed.

The hormone decision is a long, chronic, dragged out debate in my mind. That  as of now, doesn't have a definite answer. If I get bottom surgery of some sort, would I always be able to afford hormones? Will the UK NHS even be here in the next fifteen years? Alternatively, am I prepared to take Spironolactone long term? Would any of this truly help me? Maybe I can get by with femme dressing and lots of art expression Or not.

My short term goal is HRT. No debate in my own mind about what I want for my own body.
One year later I will be cleared for an orchiectomy to remove my testosterone factory. I want this.
I would love to have a full bottom surgery, but it's both a financial decision and a decision as to how much I can get my wife to go along with.