“So says the man who….”

[IzzyM]

So says the man who.....

I can't really remember exactly what we were talking about, because as it happened this thought struck me.  But my wife and I were talking about something and I was negative about it and she said "so says the man who..." to prove I was guilty of doing the same thing.  The real thing, though is what went through my head; "Man, man, who is she talking about? Oh, she means me.......".  It made me think about how much I have change, in a short space of time, my perception of myself and because I haven't "come out" to my wife, how she still sees me.  It also made me wonder, how do the people that have known you for the longest time adapt to the fact that their perception of you is wrong?

Obviously, it is not my wife's fault that her perception of me is wrong, I have spent decades building and reinforcing her view of me as a man.  So how do I tear down what has taken decades to build and replace it with something new?  If I was a building the planning department wouldn't allow it!

How have other people coped?

[Janes Groove]

I'm not an expert but it sounds like what you are describing is dysphoria associated with being misgendered.

It's a powerful downer whenever it happens to me but being out of the closet limits the number of times it happens.   Also, HRT has improved the misgendering issue for me.  I find the more I commit to a female gender presentation it limits the misgendering events.  The more I grow into my transition I become more comfortable with my gender presentation.   But I work on it.  A lot.  I was at a support group once led by a young post op trans woman and she said that "transition is about becoming more comfortable with one's outward gender presentation."  That really rung a bell with me.  People and places that knew me as male have a harder time adjusting to the new me.  I am hoping that with my next major step in my transition,  FFS, that things will improve even more.

[IzzyM]

Hi Jane,

Yes, I have lived with dysphoria (why does the spell checker on this site not like dysphoria?) on and off for a long time, but I have suffered in silence, or repressed the feelings.  My big question is how do I come out of that closet without causing destruction to the lives of my family and with the best reaction from friends and colleagues?

[Kylo]

It also made me wonder, how do the people that have known you for the longest time adapt to the fact that their perception of you is wrong?

Depends on the person. My significant other said that basically I won't be seen as anything other than female until I start looking and sounding absolutely male. That process has begun now, though. He claims it's not so much a conscious thing for him as an instinctive one, or so he claims. So basically there is no adaptation there, just a basic reaction to appearance.

Some family members are cool with it and have adapted on their own without any input from me.

Others are going to be adamant and childish about it, I am sure.

Obviously, it is not my wife's fault that her perception of me is wrong, I have spent decades building and reinforcing her view of me as a man.  So how do I tear down what has taken decades to build and replace it with something new?  If I was a building the planning department wouldn't allow it!

How have other people coped?

Well... I haven't seen my family in years. I'm not going to show my face until I look more presentable as male, too. It wouldn't help the current situation for me to further confuse them or feel uncomfortable myself. So I guess the easiest way is to begin transition - people seem to accept concepts better when they can see it in front of them as reality.

I don't think there's a way to come out of the closet without causing some kind of disturbance to their lives - but it might be minimal, depending on what kind of people they are and their beliefs about this issue. There's no best way to do it - although subtle is usually a better approach than putting people on the spot in front of others.

[IzzyM]

How can you be subtle about something like this?

[KathyLauren]

My big question is how do I come out of that closet without causing destruction to the lives of my family and with the best reaction from friends and colleagues?

How can you be subtle about something like this?

The only way out of the closet is to open the door and step out.  There is no way to be subtle about it.  There will be consequences: perhaps good, perhaps bad.

You can't control the consequenses, particularly not the reactions of other people.  You can only control yourself.

The fear of bad consequences in my marriage almost paralysed me for months before I came out.  It was very, very hard for me to get the words out.  But I knew that I had to be true to myself if I was to be real in the marriage, even if that meant the end of the marriage.

My choice was between, on the one hand, continuing my fake life as the fake guy I was and maybe boring my wife into divorce, or, on the other hand, being real and honest with my wife with 50-50 odds whether she would stay or go.  And, frankly, the odds were better being real and honest than they would have been continuing the charade.  Either way, her reaction was out of my control. 

Then, it was just a matter of opening that closet door and stepping out.

[autumn08]

"...how do the people that have known you for the longest time adapt to the fact that their perception of you is wrong?"

In order for those closest to me not to feel uneasy, I mustered all of my confidence and composure, and tried to show the continuity between what they know and what I'm telling them now. In other words, I emphasized that their perception of me hasn't been wrong, and that what I'm telling them makes sense with what they already know.

Unless you're transgender you'll never fully understand what it's like, so it was a difficult concept to explain, but I tried to make my explanations airtight ahead of time, and had plenty of analogies ready. As a result, the way they adapted was to first feel sad for me and a little upset that I didn't tell them sooner, but eventually they moved forward and now my relationships are closer than ever.

"So how do I tear down what has taken decades to build and replace it with something new?"

Before coming out I did the preliminary work and already was myself. The only things that might change now is that I'll look more like a female version of myself and I'll speak in a higher pitch. All of this takes time, so find a comfortable pace. Also, for everyone's sake, find joy in the process.

[Kylo]

How can you be subtle about something like this?

I dunno, someone else could probably help you better there. I was one of the ones who was anything but subtle when I came out.

Something along the lines of "I'm going to get this off my chest now while you're still inclined to talk to me, in case we never speak again."

I knew telling that particular person would be as good as telling them all. Within a few weeks the entire family knew.

[Janes Groove]

does the spell checker on this site not like dysphoria

I know. Right?  There was another word the spell checker had trouble with the other day that I noticed too. I wish I could remember it now.  We should start a new thread on all the transgender words the spell checker gets wrong.

My big question is how do I come out of that closet without causing destruction to the lives of my family and with the best reaction from friends and colleagues?

Oddly enough I have had a lot more experience at this than I ever really wanted.  I came out as gay back in the 90s (Yeah, I know, the gay nineties, right?  I heard it.).  The 1st time is for sure the hardest.  But I got to agree with Kathy on this one. "The only way out of the closet is to open the door and step out."  Up to that point, I had spent my life struggling with same sex attraction and being in the closet with that my whole life so coming out and being out was a major part of my psychological health.  Not to mention my health period.  A double life WILL take its toll.  It just got to the point where I couldn't take it anymore (same thing when I came out as trans to my family and friends last year).   The 1st time I came out I kept thinking of a quote from Lady MacBeth, "If it's to be done, best it be done quick."

[Raell]

I dunno, someone else could probably help you better there. I was one of the ones who was anything but subtle when I came out.

Something along the lines of "I'm going to get this off my chest now while you're still inclined to talk to me, in case we never speak again."

I knew telling that particular person would be as good as telling them all. Within a few weeks the entire family knew.

@Kylo  LOL! Funny!

Yeah, I didn't hesitate either to come out to my family in 2013 as partial transmale, but I had less to lose; no transition involved, I am single, living in southern Thailand, plus nobody seemed to care. I've always acted like a default male anyway, and dressed androgynously, usually buying all my casual clothes in the men's section.

[Angela Drakken]

My girlfriends almost all but stopped using masculine pronouns for me. (The only time she does is when we're having an argument and shes TRYING to hurt my feelings, which doesn't usually work, and usually ends with me raising an eyebrow like 'you kidding me?')