GCS with Dr Wittenberg April 2017, thanks for y'alls help!

[SadieBlake]

Doing my best, it doesn't help that many communities in my area run to insular. Also we both know that patience doesn't come naturally to me (I think the gods made me trans as an object lesson).

Hugs and big thanks

[Michelle_P]

Doing my best, it doesn't help that many communities in my area run to insular. Also we both know that patience doesn't come naturally to me (I think the gods made me trans as an object lesson).

Hugs and big thanks

You're working in glass, with stuff that has to sit in an annealing oven for days and days, and you aren't patient?  Yow! 

Just teasing a bit...

Yes, unfortunately many of the little West Coast communities are quite insular.  I've been trying Meetup groups, and it has been an eye-opener.   Groups that say they are open to trans folks are often, well, accepting me as a 'friend zone only' participant.  Some groups with multiple organizers caution that I am only to attend events with certain organizers. 

There are unwritten rules, "Trans people should only date other trans people."  OK, but that really, really limits the the dating pool to more of a shallow puddle.  And, when the only unpaired trans woman is someone with polar opposite political and ideological orientations, well, it's just not happening. (Yes, I keep running into her, being introduced to her in different meetups!  "Yeah, we know each other already...")

I'm just giving up on it as a waste of time and energy for now.  Femme lesbian, over 60, and trans pretty much limits the dating pool to the 'empty set.'

You're definitely not the only one who has noticed this.  I knew about some of this before I transitioned, and was more or less prepared for this outcome.  Sure, I wish it were different, but this is what it is.

[SadieBlake]

Our glass anneal cycle has work coming out of the box in 14-20 hours (I pulled out another 15 ben wa balls yesterday afternoon ;-) ). And I'm definitely impatient waiting for the ones with the slower cycle!

IAC I'm not submitting to the math you describe, you've mentioned your local demographic and I have to think maybe don't limit yourself to that age group? I have to say I'm influenced by working in a university environment where I simply spend most of my time among younger people. I think you might want to seek out groups in San Francisco?

Interestingly, my online dating pool suddenly has me being approached by 30-something women serving in the US armed forces, I find myself feeling like a sexy USO volunteer!!? We'll see where it goes, being cruised by a couple of very sexy (and assertive!) femme women surely feels nice right now. One has threatened to visit on her Xmas leave and as I've spent the last 20 Xmas days solo that's simply an amazing prospect.

I've found a couple of local meetups that look promising (yes, femme lesbians are out and proud!) and a studio I used to be a member of holds an opening Sat & Sunday. There will be connecting with some friends that I'm really looking forward to (one of whom is quite special to me so that's also gonna be an awesome thing).

I had occasion to remember something very old that we talked about in my therapy week before last, here it is, copied from my Medium account "When I might have first realized I'm transgender:" https://medium.com/@forrestw_94483/probably-the-first-experience-i-had-of-knowing-i-wanted-to-cross-dress-came-when-i-was-19-40beb23e6b50

When I might have first realized I'm transgender:
As far as I know the first experience I had of knowing I wanted to cross dress came when I was 19. I was working in a machine shop and having just moved into a house with friends, it was the first time I was free of the family that had always been more of a terror than a comfort in my life.

There was a wedding dress that hung in the basement of the place we rented in Natick MA, forlorn and leaving one wondering who leaves their wedding dress behind. Recognizing the sadness of it's existence I still wanted badly to try it on; to wear that embodiment of ultra feminine affect. The desire was for something pretty and I certainly sexualized the possibility; if I donned that garment, I was going to want to get off while wearing it.

That dress hung untouched the whole year we lived there, it beckoned to me every single time I went down to use the clothes washer. I often thought of it if I masturbated on a weekend evening when my housemates were out on dates. My family was no longer there to torture me, however they'd done exactly what they intended, instilled a genuine fear of getting caught simply trying to be who I am. I'd never once dared think of cross dressing in my family home in the late '60s, early '70s (punishments for smaller infractions were bad enough and I shudder today to think what the consequences of that might have been).

And so that year passed, my first conscious inkling to simply be the femme person I am went denied in fear that I'd be found out by my friends, I remember mentally walking through the risks. Would someone happen back early, wander to the basement and note it's absence? Could I just abscond with it, secret it away in my closet to wear when I wanted and yet keep a straight face when it's absence was noted? If I successfully dressed and maybe masturbating dressed and got away with it, returning it to it's hook in the basement, could I do so putting it back apparently undisturbed?

Today I'm sure nobody took the degree of notice that I did, yet the prominence it had in the back of my mind lead me to assume my housemates had also taken in its details as exactly as I had and it stayed at the foot of the basement stairs, untouched.

Twenty years later, still closeted except to my close friends I began to dress femme for sex. It didn't take long to realize that my gender identity, while sexualized ran deeper than simply cross dressing. I contemplated transition and my partner who'd known I'm trans from our first date was seemingly ok with me always dressing femme for sex play. However she was adamant that she didn't like the idea of physical transition.

An aside about my partner and that first date. I'd worn something silky under my Carhartt jeans, only 6 months into being femme and I had decided the possibility of rejection was not as bad as the reality of hiding who I am.

It was with some trepidation that I used my eBay account to go and find a wedding dress I could wear while getting myself off. I didn't really think about the genesis of this particular desire, last week I realized that dress still sits in my memory, beckoning across 40 years reminding me that yes I knew then as I knew and yet didn't as a child that I am irretrievably femme. It wasn't safe for me to know that in 1966 or 1971. Instead, I began to know I have always been female sometime in late 1997 at the behest of a lover who told me to wear panties to work as a humiliation — that didn't work at all, '98 is when I began learning the right lesson: there's nothing wrong with being femme.

If my post from earlier this week sounds down, it was. What I think I failed to convey was I'm totally ok with this step. Being suddenly an embodied lesbian has also let me realize just how long I've wanted to be the person I find myself as today. I don't think this should be an easy thing, I think I should be terrified and elated, I'm in the midst of finding myself aroused again, physically frustrated by the lack of orgasms for going in 8 months now and coping with all this at once needs some unpacking and slowing down.

[FinallyMichelle]

I think that if I were honest I would have to admit that I have never had the sexual desire that so many have. I thought that I did but after being on here I am not so sure. So many of your issues I am in the dark about. I just care about the person, and if it comes down to it I can take care of everything else and it is no big deal. My boyfriend adores me for whatever reason and we have fun together. I can't imagine needing more than that. I don't understand attraction to women, I just have never had it. I mean, I have done it but YUCK! So I just can't relate.

I do think that those of us who are attracted to men have it a little easier. Scarier, but easier. So many think that gay and lesbian are trans. LGBT that is what they know, we are all the same. I am tired of that and if people don't like it, I don't care. We are NOT LGBT! They only want us in so far as they can use us. PERIOD! I am tired of my friends that say support LGBT and get ostracized in the gay or lesbian community. They want nothing to do with you! Why do you support them? I personally have only met bare tolerance from gay men and outright hostility from lesbians. There are women out there for you, I would just look elsewhere. That is just me though. The community may very well be self destructive but it is possible to live with them. It is also possible to move on.

I went onto transition knowing it would be a crapshow, I have begun to hope for something more. I think that I have found something more, but you and I have different goals if I am not mistaken.

Take care sweetie, I have been worried about you recently. Hope that doesn't bother you, but it is true.

Please tell us how the glass is going. 😊

Always yours
Michelle

[SadieBlake]

FinallyMichelle, your post caught me in the middle of a super busy week.

I'm sorry if you've felt less than welcome personally in the LGBT movement. I cannot say that that's been my experience - sure there have been some situations that we're and weren't however imx that's part of life in any community.

I've written elsewhere on Susan's recently that it's up to any individual to decide whether they identity with the movement and that includes the trans movement which some trans people want nothing to do with. So while any given movement may not be your cup of tea, trans and other queer folk have been effective allies for a long time and for better nor worse your bad experiences don't negate my good ones.

Personally I came up in the LGBT leather community and I'll tell you I felt a hell of a lot more love and understanding there than I ever have among hetero-normative & cis gender people ymmv of course. Now clearly I also don't believe in alliances with folks who don't acknowledge my identity and that has included gay and lesbian individuals and groups.

Guess what? The movement is damned big and varied. From the Lesbian Avengers to Transexual Menace to radical faeries to the pink pistols (I happen to have known the founder of the latter right around the time he was starting that group). My philosophy around both personal development and organizing / activism is to take what you need, let the rest go by. Personally I'm not a fan of assimilationism, however my feelings on that shouldn't negate my gay friends who don't really want their straight peers to think they've never seen the inside of a bathhouse.

I try not to approach a group without getting to know how they work and I learn to speak their lingo - so often simply different uses of words can create misunderstanding when worse only exist to create understanding. And of course the same applies to individuals. I have a friend who managed to effect some meaningful and more inclusive changes in policy in the national organization for women. Being effective within NOW required her to be closeted in certain aspects of her life in order to be effective. I respect that and it certainly is a tactic I adopted regarding various axes of my queer identity along the course of my own life.

Essentially, apply Hanlon's razor early and often :-).

I'm feeling philosophical & happy today, probably because after a real hell-week+ today was an off-day after nearly two weeks without a break and I got to spend this morning searching for my orgasm ;-). Still haven't found it but it's a fun thing to look fir.

[SadieBlake]

Well yesterday's 3some wasn't what I'd hoped for but fun enough -- deets here https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,218064.msg2063027.html#msg2063027

However I spent the midday in a book reading group for femme lesbians and wow did I ever feel home!

Three of the 9 of us attending were trans and i felt just fine and welcome.

Yep, I'm lesbian, it feels wonderful to be meeting some like souls.

[SadieBlake]

I just realized I'm past the two year mark of being on HRT.

Feels good and I'm glad it falls on the solstice :-).

[SadieBlake]

Another happy milestone, my hair now falls to my bra strap, granted soon I can afford a cut / trim that will raise it a bit, still this is the marker that says to me "long hair'.

I had a couple of unusually weird interactions in the last few weeks, some of you may remember on one of my first days walking out in a skirt I got hassled by some kids in a car shouting was "I wearing a kilt?". That remains the only time I've been heckled and of course I'm not fetching enough to be catcalled (not complaining on this count). And more often than I catch weird stares, I will catch a smile for my presentation.

The other day it was a younger Japanese student, male who asked me.if I was wearing a kilt. He intended no rudeness, I simply answered and went on to the lab. Tuesday I was teaching new students in blacksmithing and a younger woman asked my name and then questioned again when I said "Sadie", doing a noticeable double take. I explained "I'm trans". It wasn't anything terrible and she realized she'd said something off and covered by politely asking my pronouns.

[Laurie]

  Going to a salon when you get your hair cut Sadie? Another thing I have yet to do. I suppose I could get a bowl cut and tell everyone I'm Friar Tuck. Or I guess I could hand them my hair and tell them I want a wash and styled. (sigh)
  It sounds like you are doing okay getting out  presenting as you want. When I'm out I don't even register the strange looks. It doen't really matter as long as they are not being nasty towards me. So far in a year there may have been one remark in Virginia aimed at me but I wasn't sure and just ignored it. I sure as hell don't pass so I guess I've been lucky.

Just thought I'd drop in and post a hello.

Hugs,
  Laurie

[SadieBlake]

Well I finally got to my hair salon for a trim. My budget has been really pared to the bone for over a year and my last trip there was 15 months ago. Now that I have caught up some from the expenses of GCS it was great to get back to my stylist and trim up the ends.

I've been really careful with my hair, using a conditioner regularly because I knew it was going to be a long time before I would be able to get a cut. Still the accumulation of slight damage to the ends was making it a bit tangly so I was definitely overdue and it's pleasing to again have it easy to brush out :-).

Since I spend 90% of my time with it up in a ponytail or french-braided we're not layering or anything like that and now that it's been trimmed it's nicely easier to brush out, braid, etc.

So yay! I love having my long hair, it was nice to give it some love and my stylist Carmi gave me some good ideas on additional things I can do to protect hair that's not cut often.

Now the question is how long do I keep letting it grow. I'm certain I want to go to mid back, we'll see then whether to go lower back or even longer.

[HappyMoni]

That's great Sadie. My hair gets to a certain point and stops growing. I finally realized that I don't want it long though. I like to curl it and get some 'body' to it. It fits my face better. Now I want to color it and cover the thin spot with a transplant. That's all, haha!
Moni
Hope you are well.

[SadieBlake]

Thanks Moni! Yeah I'm quite happy lately, it feels good :-)

[SadieBlake]

Friday after my haircut I had coffee with a writer friend. We caught up, I told her about my new lover and also about my kinky past (because it's otherwise hard to explain how you hookup with a new lover so quickly). It was a really nice coffee date. And while my friend is hopelessly straight, seemingly hetero-normative, we know each other well enough now for this conversation to feel comfortable.

Friday night we (I and my so) went to a queer women's movie night in a nearby suburb, it was amazing. The film was light hearted, made in LA on a shoestring budget and all about queer relationships and bdsm / poly lives.

We really enjoyed being among gay women for the evening and as a special treat my friend G was there. I've seen her for a couple of coffee dates to talk about lesbian relationships and how they fit in our lives.

I'm still completely excited to have freshly cut hair that's now acting so much better for the simple fact of having cleaned up the slightly damaged ends. Of course it also now looks finished (my last cut had been November '16.

This week includes a monthly discussion meetup of queer poly women, and what do you know, after being 10 years of not being actively poly I have.my new relationship to talk about. Falling on Valentine's day works out ok and I'll see my GF after for dinner.

And yes, I'm still completely in love with my new GF, we stay in touch by SMS and x-country vibe. I'm pouring some of my feelings for her into new work on the one hand and also into dating. I'm confident that there are other lesbians out there who're interested in a vibrant and energetic femme dyke, true I'm a bit worn around the edges, one really happy new relationship is moving me to realize more are possible.

The other direction I'm sending energy is reinvigorating my relationship with my SO. We made love Sunday morning and it was lovely, the best we've been since I'm post-op.

[Ellement_of_Freedom]

I do think that those of us who are attracted to men have it a little easier. Scarier, but easier.

Definitely scarier... I don't think it's as common for a lesbian partner to become violent upon finding out you're trans as it is for a straight cismale partner.

[SadieBlake]

I've been thinking some lately about queer community and especially lesbian community and how insular we can be. It doesn't matter whether I'm home or  go to Provincetown, NYC or the Castro / SF, the queer venues are predominantly gay male owned and the female / lesbian spaces are vanishingly small in number.

This isn't hard to understand, first there is access to money, from a Prudential finance study:

Heterosexual males indicate the highest incomes, followed by gay men, heterosexual women and then lesbian women.

This matches my experience and there's a big social component imx that's maybe more important. Gay men go to bars to socialize and hookup in droves (and aesthetically these days heavily gay areas just begin to look like carbon copies, thousands of men all chasing what seems to be a highly conformist look). So there's simply money there to fuel businesses selling to the gay male demographic.

Women tend to relate, hookup, fall in love, by way of talking and more nuanced communication and there's no particular way to sell or make a profit on that.

(Happily I did learn of a pizza restaurant and bar not too far off that's supposed to be lesbian friendly. I'll check it out this week.)

[SadieBlake]

Hmm, long time no update, I have another love interest, I don't know where it will lead (she's historically straight, yet we've hit it off with a strong and mutual emotional response and have already talked about our mutual attraction). She's also away for a long while right now attending to her unwell mom and so I'm having to hold my natural impatience in check. I'm sending the occasional love letter, she's reciprocating.

Is it love? Dunno, certainly could be and that's certainly exciting all by itself so will see where it goes :-).

Other news upcoming in my /sexuality co-thread.

[SadieBlake]

Yesterday marked one year post-op. It was a long day, nonstop from 7:30a-9p and I wasn't able to get to anything special for celebrating, perfectly happy to mark it quietly, enjoying a day of a new experiment in blown glass and teaching my students who are always fun.

[Gail20]

Congratulations!  I so envied you last year about this time!! :-)

[SadieBlake]

Thanks Gail, the GCS class for 2017 was not small, I'm glad to be a member, enjoyed making a bunch of great friends along the way.

[SadieBlake]

Another bit of an update, I came out to parent, discussion here: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,236935.msg2131995.html#msg2131995

Things aren't great right now with any of my love-interests. Not hearing back from my long distance lover who's back in Seattle now after we had the very briefest visits a couple weeks ago. Another is on hold and things with my SO could be better.

So not the best way to be turning over 1 year post-op, things were honestly better at my 10.75 months post-op point and I'm hopeful they will move back that way generally soon. Work is going well, I'm happy with the glass I'm making. My problems are all decidedly of the first-world type :-)