GCS with Dr Wittenberg April 2017, thanks for y'alls help!

[SadieBlake]

I feel a fair distance from settled yet, not the least thing is clearing up rather a lot of granulation tissue and getting back into some semblance of aerobic condition -- that's harder when I really can't bike distances due to pain where the granulation is still healing.

But thanks, I'm certainly glad for the progress and I know things could have gone far slower and there have been no major problems with recovery.

[Jacqueline]

Fair enough.I stand corrected.

Warmly,

Jacqui

[SadieBlake]

Thanks Jacqui, maybe it sounds silly to not be satisfied but a mere 5 years ago I could lay down a hundred mile bike ride without really thinking about it. Since then I've really not trained due to too much stress elsewhere in my life and focus on career work - which is thankfully quite physical - the current state of affairs is fully expected and I'm just really also impatient to get the healing done to the point I can regain that fitness.

Here I am, dilating and frankly just glad that it's now only twice a day and according to my doc's instructions I could be doing just once but I'm really trying to gain some depth.

The local docs have really been a pain about treating the granulation tissue, I've been referred to the GCS surgeons at BMC but it's a month before I can even get seen to talk about it. Unfrtunately the dermatologist at my healthcare isn't even allowed to use silver nitrate however I have access to the stuff and she gave me some tips on application so I'm just going to go after it myself. I've practiced a few applications to a wart I need to address anyway and will start applying it to the trouble spots with my GF's help this week.

I really miss Heidi Wittenberg, wishing I was SF based but it will all work out :-).

I continue to enjoy wearing skirts out and about and while I'm well behaved (I think the term is ladylike), I just have this overwhelming desire to be bad. I enjoy sitting with my legs apart, knowing if there were someone there I could be flashing them. I guess there's a vulnerability that goes with an open garment that I really enjoy.

While skirts genuinely suck for lack of pockets, the simple ease of taking a skirt off or putting it on is simply a marvel to me. The key thing is I'm not unhappy with my appearance dressed femme now. Wanting to look fetching and sexy is a different thing and I'm just loving being able to wear skirts without having to worry about bulge. Also my gf likes how I'm looking and she's got a decent eye so I trust her response somewhat more than my own.

The fact that my gf likes how I'm dressing and also is responding really well to a now lesbian sexuality is a huge boost.

[SadieBlake]

And today I'm riding all the way to work, 6 miles, double what I've tried before AND ITS NOT EVEN HURTING!! :-) (OK, the main pain but a tolerable one is around the neocltoris due to shifting saddle position, I imagine that will ease with time as thats been the last area to heal)

This really feels like turning a corner on being back in shape -- yes I'm taking a break in Harvard sq, something I'd not have ever entertained before 2 months of enforced minimal activity. I have a pretty good idea how painful getting back in shape is gonna be but that's mostly an emotional and (false) pride thing. I know for a fact it's just a matter of putting in the hours and I rather think I'll have an easier time of it than in the past without testosterone feeding a lot of negative emotional content.

p.s. had a fair bit of blood on the pantyliner :-( which has subsided :-), probably coming from granulation tissue near the neocltoris.

[SadieBlake]

Ho hum. I continue to play with myself sometimes and it still feels great :-). As much as I worry over the slow healing areas where I still have pain in my left labia, I'm sure it will be fine and sensation is already enough that I'm happy with post op sexuality.

I'm finding I'm really not a good girl. Yes when people are about I keep my feet legs crossed, knees together. However when I'm alone I only want to sit with my legs apart, enjoying that my underwear is so easily visible. So yeah I'm a bad girl. I told my pshrink about this today, happy about who I am and she seemed amused as well as happy for me.

I was tired of wearing trainers and so today I wore the only feminine styled shoes I own to therapy and then to my favorite cafe for a snack. Stiletto heels that I've owned for 17 years. Not in the least bit comfortable but omg they do make a girl conscious of her gait. Heel-toe clicking along the sidewalk.

I really love finally being female.

[Jacqueline]

Sadie,

Bad girls must be punished.

Yes, shoes make all the difference in how a girl walks. Stilettos separate the girls from the women.

It's great to hear you are enjoying things. That's hard to do when worried, so I hope the worry is only occasional.

Warmly,

Jacqui

[SadieBlake]

Aww Jacqui thanks :-)

I try to keep worry in its place -- planning for the future doesn't need to distract from living in the now, stressing over the future or the past does.

However speaking of the past ...

I realized yesterday that my sexuality that has evolved since HRT and details of sex play seem to reside differently in my memory than they did pre-op.

What I used to experience was every single over the top sexual experience was recorded indelibly into long term memory. I can play back experiences from 20 years ago almost as fresh as if they'd happened yesterday and if I look back over my sexual life I can easily relate what things turned me on and how those have changed back to childhood. I can remember nearly every detail of the nights each of my daughters were conceived, and what happened between myself and specific partners 40 plus years later -- even where I can't relate their names. Hell, I can remember specific fantasies about women I never was involved with.

Since HRT, not so much. In the co-thread to this one I wrote about my first really over the top experience of feeling a feminine sexuality just 8 months ago. I can't remember anything about it, zip, nada nothing.

While how I experience sex has changed, the fantasies and the remembered experiences haven't so much. I still get solidly turned on by specific things that happened years ago. So it's totally weird to seemingly not be forming long term memories or at least memories that are far less focused on detail and narrative.

[AnneK]

Bad Girls
   

[HappyMoni]

I'm finding I'm really not a good girl. Yes when people are about I keep my feet legs crossed, knees together. However when I'm alone I only want to sit with my legs apart, enjoying that my underwear is so easily visible. So yeah I'm a bad girl. I told my pshrink about this today, happy about who I am and she seemed amused as well as happy for me.


I really love finally being female.

You are a bad influence Sadie, now I'm thinking of who I can flash. lol
Moni

[SadieBlake]

Dunno sister, I post a lot of internal narrative and plum pieces like how my sexual memory formation has changed and you zero in on the naughty bits, I take no credit for you having a dirty mind! ;-) (It's true that I do as well!)

I did a regular day of glass yesterday but that was sandwiched between 2 nights of working late on welding the frame for a glass polishing station and 3 hours of sleep between just because I couldn't sleep. Last night I arrived home pretty tired but also having felt unspeakably horny much of the day. Fatigue won out and I dilated and sacked out.

This morning however those still standing feelings led me to finally do a full dilation session with Ms Orange. It went fine, didn't feel too bad-tight and felt pretty good otherwise. I'll post on the aftermath in the co-thread.

[SadieBlake]

As usual after I get busy with myself the next dilation involves a little blood -- mostly on Ms Green and looking like it's the remainder of slow seepage, the color is a bit brown so it's not fresh blood. This is one of the things that keeps me from going really hard with the silicone toys.

Still I used Ms Orange again and it really wasn't difficult getting it in.

In other news today I did more equipment work and got in a half hour swim. Saturday I'm thinking about trying to lay down a bit more miles on the bike.

[SadieBlake]

4 months post-op today. Woot!

I'm gonna celebrate with playing with myself (yes, in spite of being a bit sore still from yesterday's play). Then make myself an omelette and potatoes to be followed by a longer bike than I've gone for before.

And more cause for woots! Just remembered that my exchange for one of the TYR tank suits that hadn't fit had to have arrived by now. Just flounced down the stairs to grab the PKG and I really like the replacement, boy shorts bottoms and a tankini top that fits just fine.

https://goo.gl/photos/HNsfcsdAT9TarU5f6

[SadieBlake]

Well I just laid down a couple of hours in the saddle, 25 miles. 12.5 mph feels soooooo slow but I survived it and the best part was that I did the ride with my old friend Sarah. I haven't seen her in quit a while but we've ridden easily 3000 miles together and have a bond that's grown over the years.

We talked about how lady bits chafe and her advise and feedback was great, clearly it's now just time and training and I know how to do that.

I'll see how it feels tomorrow but right now it just feels great to have gotten in a solid aerobic workout :-).

[SadieBlake]

As I approached feeling normal post op I am beginning to play with my hormone regimen. I've planned on this since I decided on surgery, I did only one change pre-op which was going off estrogen for a month to see if I could think about skipping GCS and cycling hormones to alternate between feeling more femme and retaining sexual function --- that failed badly or succeeded in validation that I wanted to proceed with vaginoplasty.

So I have just spent 6 weeks on continuous progesterone. Pre-op I'd felt I was experiencing depression if I stayed on P for more than a couple of weeks but also I was dealing with all of the stress of preparation and a bunch of unrelated issues to boot.

And this six weeks has felt fine, no hint of depression and a really strong libido. Now on having dropped it for 4 days I have to say my libido has really crashed. I am not without desire but for instance yesterday when I went to play with myself, I honestly just couldn't stay interested, the same things felt nice but there was no building of momentum.

So interesting, obviously not a blinded trial but then again, I know my sexual response pretty well. And so I'm filing this away as perhaps wanting to keep my P levels up.

And I'll be thinking about looking at testosterone. I flinch at the idea even, however all my instincts tell me that now as I'm settling into being femme and immeasurably happier it's safe and probably smart to see if T feels OK post-op. I've never lived with moderate levels of both E and T, since my T level was fully suppressed by estrogen alone pre-op.

Hugs everyone, I'm happy with where I am after so many years of getting to this place it's feeling pretty damned good :-)

[SadieBlake]

I was trying to search for some forum posts and having no luck indexing with Google, finally broke down and installed Tapatalk. Hate the interface and the really annoying advertising, however it succeeded in uploading a better avatar, something I'd attempted with the web interface and given up on long ago. I'll save y'all the need to hunt down the image reference, I took my moniker and now my post op name from an absolute favorite film, Rise: blood hunter with Lucy Liu in the title role as a vampire getting revenge on the group that turned her.

Now seriously friends, I posted a link to a photo of YT in swim wear the other day and zip comments??! I fully get that I'm far from fetching, especially clad in a maillot ... Ok I'll deal <le sigh/>.

Moni's posts about her mom passing got me thinking about my own parent, never a very happy subject. She's a fairly angry and sad excuse for a human being, given to apparently capricious choices of things she approves of and caustic disdain for all else. She's the reason I'm not out with family generally.

What Moni got me to thinking of -- and I guess it's not a new topic for me -- is that when she  does pass on, in all likelihood that will be the time I choose to be open with the rest of my extended family. I came out to my sister many years and discovered what a TERF was so I know my news won't be received well by the only other member of my immediate family. I can pretty well count on variations on cluelessness and acceptance to my face from people who I've known all my life to be closet bigots - people who will privately tell you they couldn't consider living in the city because of the "salt and pepper problem".

I have no intention of ever coming out to someone who's always been clear in their homophobic feelings and as willing as my mother is to be nasty for no good reason, let alone an offence as big as simply being myself in any way that's not her notion of masculine. But I'll also be damned if I'll go to her funeral pretending to be something I'm not. I don't much care about how the rest of my extended family views me, there are few or no ties there of any consequence and on the bright side, I do have a pretty good idea of who will be accepting and positive.

Lastly, I've had to change my insurance to medicaid which my pshrink can't take so the person I work with on these things isn't available for now. I expect that to be rectified soon and be back on the university plan but for now this is what I've got.

[SadieBlake]

Good news today, I had to find a new healthcare and PCP anyway due to the change in insurance and so I signed up with Cambridge Health Alliance where I knew my pshrink also practices and sure enough she says once I'm signed up with them I can work with her again.

Hard to believe I've been in therapy with her for coming up on 4 years now. This change may mean I won't be able to go back to seeing her privately, I'm sure she'll fill the tue time slot I've been in and I'll miss her private office, it has a really pretty view.

I'm also considering sex work to help make ends meet. I'm quite skilled as an s&m top and it would certainly be better money than selling my whips and I wouldn't mind putting them to good use :-).

The emotionality of being on hrt hit me again this morning, my glass blowing partner turns out to be another game of thrones fan and she sent me a link to the "game of Jones" YouTube watch party. Omg, I was laughing uncontrollably and suddenly it's turning into tears. Amusing Fi sometimes I find it hard to be unable to turn off the waterworks :-).

And yesterday was a long day and a good one, I worked on a not exactly new idea, something I toyed with a couple of years ago and sorry to OMG again in the same post but this looks like it's going to play really well, I'm much better at pulling twisty cane now than when I'd last had a how at this idea and this will be material for a couple of really nice pieces. Im thinking about some fancy spheres, yay!

[Jacqueline]

Sadie,

Congrats on some new info and news. The improvement on glass blowing skills sounds really cool. Hope all works out smoothly with your new insurance. I know little to nothing about the sex market. I just know it can be dangerous. Please be careful.

Warmly,

Jacqui

[SadieBlake]

Jacqui thanks! I will of course above all things be careful if I decide to do it.

Hugs &c

S

[SadieBlake]

Well 2 weeks of using Ms Orange and I'm seeing results, was able this morning to penetrate myself for pleasure with a sizeable silicone toy and really enjoyed it. All prior times trying that size involved more discomfort than pleasure and never more than short period. This time it was easier getting inserted and it didn't take long before it felt really good, amazing.

Biking hasn't been easy but I can do it (I've learned that I shouldn't wear panty liners which means staining whatever underwear I'm using and I should do a little something to lubricate). Creative work is going really well and this weekend we'll be canning a dozen+ quarts of amazing tomatoes from our CSA.

Hugs everyone and happy September.

[SadieBlake]

The state of Sadie's vagina ...

A couple of things I neglected from last post --- I can now wear thongs comfortably -- i.e. my labial swelling is down enough that I don't overhang a thong :-).

We've begun silver nitrate on the granulation tissue, with gf doing the application. The first go has already had an impressive effect and so I'm hopeful that I can begin to finish healing.

Things with my GF are great, we're shaping up to really acknowledge being a lesbian couple. I think she has trouble with the label, however I think that finding sex is still good has really helped her turn the corner on that.

And I'm really thinking about spending time in the lesbian community. I've spent time working there before but not in a long while. I'm finding I am interested in spending time among just women. There's a reading by a local lesbian author and long term friend coming up soon and I'm really looking forward to being there. I haven't pursued any other relationships in a long long time.

We're poly but I haven't seen anyone else in dog, I think over a decade. I think dysphoria had cut into my desire to form any other relationships and suddenly I do. (And in case anyone is worried about our relationship, my gf has had guys she sees over the years, not often just when she makes a special connection all with my approval)