Loosing the plot

[April_Girl]

I only came out to myself in December but just doing that was amazing and it filled me with hope and I realy did think I was on a road to heaven, I have since told my wife who appears semi not fully with cold fingers supportive and my aunties, the closest I have to mum since she died of cancer.

I have started removing body hair and my epi9 has left me with silky smooth legs to which I'm proud of and which feels fantastic, the wife even helps, but reading on these forums and looking at other women's success has left me with the biggest question of all.

A month ago I would have transitioned at a hat and would have thought HRT would play a bigger part, but the women I see being totally successful and passable have probably spent around 50k in facial surgery and the rest, being a single income family I don't even have the money for electrolysis so Im now left wondering and giving myself the choice looking normal or a freak and I am now doubting myself if I can go through this with no money.

[Denise]

Welcome to the club.  I believe most of us have gone through those exact same thoughts.  Give it time, seek professional therapy.  You might be surprised what HRT can do.

One thing that took me a while to get over is that I'll never be a 20 year old girl.

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[April_Girl]

Welcome to the club.  I believe most of us have gone through those exact same thoughts.  Give it time, seek professional therapy.  You might be surprised what HRT can do.

One thing that took me a while to get over is that I'll never be a 20 year old girl.

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Thank you Denise, its not the first time your wisdom has helped me - thank you! and its really appreciated!

[Ms Grace]

Not all women have FFS, some don't need to and many choose not to. I suggest checking out the Before and After M2F threads to get an idea of what is possible with or without FFS.

[DawnOday]

Is it perfection you seek? Then, that is not the reason to transition. Are you looking for self fulfilment and bringing your body in tune with your brain then passing is not such a big deal as acceptance and comfort in your own new skin. We all have doubt. Even ones with visible proof of incredible transitions. I won't mention her name but she knows who she is. This woman has had FFS, GRS, Looks absolutely stunning. Yet she is not satisfied because she can't bear children. Luckily she is young and science is catching up as evidenced by the recent attempt to transplant a uterus. Maybe in the next 10 years she will get her wish and still be young. I mean looking at her before pictures as a young man and after pictures you would think she should be on top of the world. I guess my point is, even perfection or near perfection sometimes is not good enough for us. I hope your path to fulfillment truly brings you happiness.

Dawn

[Megan.]

April, I'm 39 and will be starting my RLE and HRT in 2017. For me transition has become a space between hope, realism, hard work, time and practice.
We can hope to look amazing. Be realistic (depending on our starting point) on what is possible. Work hard on the things we can do, like voice, mannerisms, makeup and style. Understand that all these things take time and that our patience will be rewarded by practice.
When I first came out to myself, I (and probably most others) focused heavily on passing. I get out and about quite alot now, I don't pass, but by working on my presentation, I'm treated how I'd like to be, and that's a big win for me.
I'll be a tall woman, thinning on top, with broad shoulders and large hands and feet, but I'll be a woman 😊.

[April_Girl]

Thanks all for your reply's, it really does mean a lot.

I am letting the doubts back in, while I accept who I am and know what I need to do, I am letting the voices back in which leave me repeating this process over and over again, which to be honest I can not do any more as I am at the end of the line with this torment.

I do have to see this journey through and be true to myself, I can not or want to repeat the last 35 years of denial, I owe it to my self and my daughter to be truthful to myself.

Again - thank you all

[Ms Grace]

Are you talking with a gender therapist, it can help to flesh out doubts and fears and use professional support mechanisms if they are available and affordable.

[April_Girl]

Are you talking with a gender therapist, it can help to flesh out doubts and fears and use professional support mechanisms if they are available and affordable.

not yet, I have just joined the UK waiting list, I would go private if I could afford but in reality it looks like I have a long wait, I am thinking of attending a support group, local ish to me in Manchester in feb

[April_Girl]

Is it perfection you seek? Then, that is not the reason to transition. Are you looking for self fulfilment and bringing your body in tune with your brain then passing is not such a big deal as acceptance and comfort in your own new skin. We all have doubt. Even ones with visible proof of incredible transitions. I won't mention her name but she knows who she is. This woman has had FFS, GRS, Looks absolutely stunning. Yet she is not satisfied because she can't bear children. Luckily she is young and science is catching up as evidenced by the recent attempt to transplant a uterus. Maybe in the next 10 years she will get her wish and still be young. I mean looking at her before pictures as a young man and after pictures you would think she should be on top of the world. I guess my point is, even perfection or near perfection sometimes is not good enough for us. I hope your path to fulfillment truly brings you happiness.

Dawn

In a sence it would be perfection I seek dawn, I have all my life felt trapped in the body that is not mine, nor what I would ask for and I have to live with it everyday and most days i can not even look at myself or my body, so yes there is a certain amount of perfection I do seek and it would be the female side of me not just in soul but body as well, the girl I can sometimes see in the mirror I would like for real as that would truly make me the women I believe I should be.

I guess where I am right now is, I see a middle aged balding male who is around 3 stone over weight, its difficult to see right now without a lot of work, how I would turn this into my true self which is a attractive middle aged women.

[Rachel]

HRT  can do wonders for your mental as well as physical self.

I wanted ffs to rid myself of the male facial markers. It is expensive. I sold a lot of things and charged the rest. I hope to pay off my face in 2017. FFS was difficult for me to accept mentally. I would do it again but consider PAI as an alternative which would cost less than half of what I spent.

What I really needed was GCS and self acceptance.

Everyone is different and need different things.

My ex-wife said I am a joke and look like one, that hurts. I look Trans and I am not a joke. I feel so much better than I did before. I have gained the strength I need to be me. Something changed during my journey. People no longer stair at me. I get looks sometimes but that does not bother me, I smile back. Maybe I give off a different vibe and they respond accordingly, the vibe of I belong.

[DawnOday]

I remember the first time I saw Caroline Cossey in the 80's on the Donahue show. I thought how great would it be to look like her but there were no resources available that I was aware of. I had heard of Christine Jorgensen and had been introduced to Dr. Renee Richards via TV tennis matches. But that is about all I knew of being transgender. The internet age had not arrived yet. I continued to crossdress thinking I was somehow what society said I was. A pervert.  In the mean time I put on weight and age, and I continued to dress up and pray for a miracle. Then about eight months ago I could not take it any more. I was becoming the ahole I never wanted to be. I was growing further apart from my wife and she deserved better. I learned due to the synthetic estrogen my mother had been prescribed to prevent miscarriage actually mis gendered me in utero. Look here for an explanation. DESACTION.Org When I was 20 I thought I could be a very tall supermodel not unlike Susan Blakely or Cheryl Tiegs or the woman I thought was perfect. Christene Farrari http://www.illusionjewels.com/inv/monetadgene.jpg I thought this was the greatest picture ever. and I would have loved to go through the whole transition process to approximate . Reality is I'm a 65 year old, somewhat wrinkly transitioning female who visited the therapist 6-7 times over 30 years, but could not bring themselves to explain what was on their mind that I was gender conflicted and had been all my life. Finally I confessed last May and two sessions later we agreed I had gender dysphoria. I was more than likely transgender and therefore not a pervert but like a couple million others. The confession set the stage to remove a whole host of baggage I have carried all my life. After 4 1/2 months of HRT. I would love to look like Gigi Gorgeous or Carmen Carerra but facts are that boat has sailed long ago. In my short experience under the influence of e I feel as though something (estrogen) has returned to my system. mellowing me out. relieving the anger. Making me more social.
Giving me breasts a round butt and smooth skin. A little dermabrasion and electrolysis and I will be the best looking 65 year old transgender woman on the block. But it is the mental aspects that make it all worth while to me. My wife is happier too.

[April_Girl]

Thank you all, this is why I love this place and the people here, having spent 40 years not accepting this I was having a moment of talking myself out of it again, just accepting in the last month has changed my relationship for the better and I have been a lot less moody and withdrawn, my wife has seen the difference and I would not want to go back to being like that for her or my daughter.