Hello, I'm Jean

[Cailan Jerika]

I am Jean, significant other of another person on this board. My husband (he still identifies as male) came out to me 18 years ago, but because of other things in our lives at the moment, nothing came of it. At the time I helped him with some cross-dressing (frankly in hopes it would be enough to make him happy) but it didn't do anything for him, and he went back into the closet.

Nearly two weeks ago he revealed he needs to take at least the next step, and so here I am. At the moment we're working through a way to keep our 27 year marriage intact, in a form that can make each of us happy enough, though it may turn out neither of us are completely happy. At the moment we have no clue what our future holds, but we both have hopes we can find a path that fills each of our most basic needs so we can stay together.

Thanks to our many years of excellent communicating, ripping the bandage off his TG wounds resulted in a much closer relationship, at least for now, and a lot of intense talk and self examination, during which we came to a lot of realizations about me - things I always knew and avoided thinking about. I, like him, am uncomfortable in my skin (or rather, skin, bones and muscle structure), but I don't know there is a name for what/how I feel. Once we begin counseling/therapy we hope to figure out my own issues and get them addressed.

I have professional/educational history in working with transgender populations, having worked with a transgender convention and writing extensively about it, as well as college genetic behavior classes, so I'm completely aware of the "causes" of transgender so I'm not left with the super basic questions of "why." The culture, however, and the details of living and transitioning, are completely new to me.

I've posted in the Significant Others forum, and expect to take part in some other discussions, unless I'm asked to butt out. I've seen some threads asking about/discussing what CIS women feel and think, and saw some huge, massive misunderstandings and assumptions about CIS women, which bother me possibly more than it should. Ask me anything, I'm not shy. I'll discuss anything from sex to touchy-feely emotional stuff.

[AnonyMs]

Hi Jean, I've been following your other posts, but didn't say anything as I don't have much to contribute. Good luck.

[Devlyn]

Hi Jean! I'm curious what you think of our site as a resource from the significant other point of view. I know you haven't been here long, so what's your quick take?

Hugs, Devlyn

[V M]

Hi Jean 

Welcome to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

[Cailan Jerika]

Hi Jean! I'm curious what you think of our site as a resource from the significant other point of view. I know you haven't been here long, so what's your quick take?

Hugs, Devlyn

So far as a resource it has been very helpful in understanding a lot of the things both my husband and I are a bit unclear on, because some of his research and some of my own doesn't seem to match up with what is being said on other sites, or poorly said on other sites. Some things I have learned so far are reassuring, others are alarming, from my point of view. Of the responses I've had, most have been very supportive, though there was one that just jumped down my throat for daring to be a partner/co-decision-maker with my husband in this, not just a support machine (or get out of the way). Our style of how to manage a relationship didn't match up with a certain person's idea of how it should work.

I also have an odd point of view because I feel something akin to transgender, even though both of my identities are female. It's very hard to explain and I did a horrible mash of it earlier, but my mind thinks my body is mostly male, partly female, and rejects the portions that seem male (most of my body) as "not mine." Long and weird explanations there. So a lot of what is being said sounds like my own internal monologue as well. This is one of the many things we're going to be working through in therapy.

[Devlyn]

I appreciate you taking the time for that thoughtful answer.  We strive to make the site inclusive for everyone including people who may be feeling negative effects from a transition process, as partners often do. It can raise the hackles of some members, but  know that you have the full  protection of the site Staff. 

Hugs, Devlyn

[Steph Eigen]

Jean,

Welcome to the forum.  For the most part, the people you will meet here tend to respond in thoughtful and measured fashion to posts.  There is potential for some strong opinions to manifest given the nature of the topics debated.  I have yet to see to personally see anyone intentionally offended in response to questions posed on the site.

Understand that there is a constant tension between the individual's needs and the larger utilitarian view of the the community, daily life and family.  On one hand, there is the need for self realization, gender expression, and generally getting out of the closet allowing the individual to live a true and authentic existence.  On the other, are the potential consequences to friends, family, spouse, children, workplace, community, etc.  These effects can be devistating to the transitioning individual (divorce, shunning by family, damaged relationship with children) as well as the surrounding individuals involved. 

There are stunning, frankly heroic examples of successful TG transitions you will read on this site as well as occasional reports of those who have de-transitioned for various reasons, those who lament loss of relationships and other mishaps complicating life.  On the whole, most who transition will acknowledge the difficulty of the process but rejoice in having done so with manifold improvements in the quality of their lives.  For many, it is appropriately the only available path to avoid suicide.

Occasionally, discussions may tend toward a conclusion that full transition with HRT, social transition, surgery etc. is the self evident path for nearly everyone.  The truth is far more complex and the solution for each individual is very... individual.  Some may do well with therapy and decide for the immediate term not to pursue formal transition, some may have sufficient relief with HRT alone, others have body-based gender dysphoria that can only be addressed through full hormonal followed by extensive surgical procedures to complete the physical transition.  The point of my post is this:  Despite the strong opinions, there is no cookie-cutter path that must be followed.  You will find all the strong opinions here but should find them in a respectful, troll-free, non-threatening forum where they will be discussed constructively.

Steph

[Cailan Jerika]

Thank you Steph. This is pretty much what I've observed, thank you for confirming for me what I thought I was seeing on this forum. I understand for some the whole tamale is the only acceptable outcome. I can't say I'm prepared for that outcome for my husband, but I am aware it could happen. It all comes down to what point he finds a place where he can live with himself, and hoping it's a place I can also live with.

Right now we're trying to figure out the timing for my husband's coming out to other family members. Our 26-year-old autistic son is going to be the biggest challenge, along with my husband's very Mormon mother. Our 23-year old son will be easy, he's a ridiculously open-minded Millennial (sometimes so open I think his mind will fall out). Our daughter had a FtM classmate for whom she was outraged and tried to advocate for when severely misgendered by the school system (forced to wear the female uniform, etc). She will be fine. It's just a matter of when. We're thinking we're going to have to introduce both my husband's impending changes and my own therapy and issues at the same time. Therefore it will probably wait until I at least have a diagnosis. The rest of the family may end up waiting until there are visible/unavoidably obvious changes or changes in lifestyle, if that actually happens.

This week we're both getting our hair done - cut and colored. He generally wears it in a masculine queue (base of neck ponytail) but for the first time he's going to get his hair colored and cut to enhance his natural curls. It's easy enough to hide when he deems necessary, but can do what he wants with it in private.

[Veda]

Hi Jean,

I am not out to my wife yet, and it is a big fear of mine, for all the reasons you are most probably aware of.

It will help me to share with you what I hope my wife will come to understand, I hope it may help you:

First I am human, my ability to love is not affected by my gender identity, but my ability to express it has been.

My gender is a sense, just like hearing, sight or any of the others.

I have lived my life with this sense hindered and blocked.  I could no more stop my desire to become female than I could my wish to hear if I were deaf, to see if I were blind.

I hope my wife understands that my love for her will not change, but the expression of it most probably will.

She will have to decide for herself what she can accept, and I hope she accepts me, but of course, it is her decision to make.

I hope she understands before all else, that I am human, that regardless of her decision about her relationship with me, that I love her.

And that, finally, I can start to love myself.

All the best to you.