Should I feel guilty about 'cheating' on my brother?

[Angela Drakken]

..I probably didn't phrase that properly, but it's the only way of putting it that comes to mind.
A few nights ago I decided I would reach out to one of my aunts (also my Godmother) to maybe go for lunch together some time one on one and reconnect, catch up, chit chat, and ultimately, I plan to tell her that I'm transgendered, and to ask for her advice.. Why I consider this 'cheating' on my brother? My brother is basically my best friend, always has been. He's probably the person I've been closest too my whole life, and were still close (strangely so, some might say) I fear his reaction the most though, like my gf he, his wife, and my two little nieces are the only people in this world I can't bare to think about losing. And I just might lose them. He's a mormon now, and from what I've seen they're a bit more open to LGBQT persons than other religious types, but, my issue is he's still very much my fathers son. (My father, the man who told me my entire life I walk like a (homophobic slur) and wouldn't let me read books where he didn't feel comfortable with the 'subject matter.') I've mentioned before that we already have another trans in the family, my cousin who is MIA (or so my father's told me all these years.)

I can't help but feel guilty not telling him and his wife second. (I told my gf first, since of everyone this clearly effects her the most beyond me. So far so good?) My therapist has advised me to start out small and work out, think of the people who will be the most accepting and let them in first, and my 'cool aunt' growing up seemed like a good starting point?

Then again, what if her reaction is less than ideal? What if my brothers reaction would've been overwhelmingly positive and he's irritated I told someone else first?

Ugh what a conundrum..! Y.Y

[Denise]

I feel your pain, but I think you did the right thing.  The first few people I told didn't go well.  The practice you are gaining is important.  You will also have someone you can fall back on if, hopefully not, it doesn't go well.

I think you are on a good track.

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[Angela Drakken]

I feel your pain, but I think you did the right thing.  The first few people I told didn't go well.  The practice you are gaining is important.  You will also have someone you can fall back on if, hopefully not, it doesn't go well.

I think you are on a good track.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed. Out of everyone he's the only one who even asks about my 'therapy' and shows genuine concern. My 'parentals' either forget that I'm seeking help, or pretend it's not happening as a coping mechanism for how effed up their child has become more and more with each passing year..

On a lighter note, we're going to my favourite Indian place, everyone's a sucker for Indian food :3

[LizK]

Not sure if there is any easy way to do this....I get your Loyalty to your brother but for me if I had to do it again I think I might have a bit more of an idea before I came out to him. When I came out to my brother he was the first and I was really confused thinking all sorts of stuff...I could have probably done it better...I didn't know how and didn't have the experience.

There is no set rule about who you have to talk to first... if it goes well with your Grandmother I would guess that you will have far more confidence to tell your brother?

It got easier for me the more people I told because I learned what to say and what not to say....and I still mess it up LOL

Liz

[Angela Drakken]

Not sure if there is any easy way to do this....I get your Loyalty to your brother but for me if I had to do it again I think I might have a bit more of an idea before I came out to him. When I came out to my brother he was the first and I was really confused thinking all sorts of stuff...I could have probably done it better...I didn't know how and didn't have the experience.

There is no set rule about who you have to talk to first... if it goes well with your Grandmother I would guess that you will have far more confidence to tell your brother?

It got easier for me the more people I told because I learned what to say and what not to say....and I still mess it up LOL

Liz

Right now I don't have anything but 'You know your little brother? Well, they really want to be your little sister..'

[LizK]

Well its a start

I said to my brother did he know anything about Gender Dysphoria...he said he had never heard of it so I explained and threw in at the very end that I suffer with it....to be greeted with silence, as I watched him physically process what I had just said.......oh..........OH........OOOHHHH!!! kind of reaction. I did try and explain it to him but I should have just let him alone to digest what I had said. As it was he came back to me 3 days later and said I love and support you but can you tell me what x mean and what this means etc etc.

Hope that helps

Liz

[Angela Drakken]

Well its a start

I said to my brother did he know anything about Gender Dysphoria...he said he had never heard of it so I explained and threw in at the very end that I suffer with it....to be greeted with silence, as I watched him physically process what I had just said.......oh..........OH........OOOHHHH!!! kind of reaction. I did try and explain it to him but I should have just let him alone to digest what I had said. As it was he came back to me 3 days later and said I love and support you but can you tell me what x mean and what this means etc etc.

Hope that helps

Liz

Y.Y I hope for a reaction like that too..

[Denise]

BTW, I always start with: have you ever heard of gender dysphoria?
Response is always no.
It's the clinical term for transgender, and I've been diagnosed with it and have been suffering with it since I was 4.  Pause, pause... The light comes on and I go from there.  I make it very clear that it's NOT a choice.  After all I don't think anyone would choose to go through everything we go through.

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[Angela Drakken]

BTW, I always start with: have you ever heard of gender dysphoria?
Response is always no.
It's the clinical term for transgender, and I've been diagnosed with it and have been suffering with it since I was 4.  Pause, pause... The light comes on and I go from there.  I make it very clear that it's NOT a choice.  After all I don't think anyone would choose to go through everything we go through.

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Yeah, it's been no secret to anyone who's been paying attention in my family to know I've had a very troubled life up til now. He knows I've seen a child therapist before, he knows I've returned to therapy as an adult, the next step is opening up about why. He should be pretty well informed about Gender Dysphoria since I'm not the first in our family. ( My cousin, and now that I think of it, an Uncle of mine on my mothers side 'disappeared' also.)

I do worry though, because he has some interesting opinions about it, and I've had to remind him that there are gender diverse people in the family which usually stops that topic of debate outright and we move forward.

Maybe learning that I am one will change those opinions of his completely?

[Sephirah]

He's probably the person I've been closest too my whole life, and were still close (strangely so, some might say) I fear his reaction the most though, like my gf he, his wife, and my two little nieces are the only people in this world I can't bare to think about losing.

Tell him that if he says anything about not being told before your aunt. If it were me, and justification were needed... that would be justification enough. You've explained it here well enough to be able to put your feelings into words, should the subject arise. I don't think you need to feel guilty. If anything it shows you care a lot about how he feels, rather than not at all.

[Raell]

True. Sometimes people change their minds when it becomes personal.

I didn't have any particular opinion on LGBTQ people back when I thought I was a normal hetero cis female, married, and with a family, attending church regularly. I grew up abroad in a missionary family, helping my parents in the mission.

LGBTQ people were just "they." Nothing to do with me.

Strangely, a beloved aunt in the USA was living with a woman who dressed as a man, yet my family treated them the same as anyone else, and we often visited, and stayed there. I thought nothing of it, and later on, when I realized what was going on, and questioned my mother, she just shrugged and said that if you want someone in your life, you accept them for who they are.

Still, it didn't really hit home until I realized that I am neither hetero nor cis, but am, myself, asexual LGBTQ.

[Angela Drakken]

Yeah.. thats the downside though. I'm confident typing all this, a face to face is much harder.. I have such crippling social anxiety most of the time I resort to self depreciation for approval. I doubt very much I could be this articulate in person. Especially with regard to the sensitive subject at hand.

[Sephirah]

Write a letter then. And if you need to, tell him to read it because it says everything you can't find the words for.

[Angela Drakken]

Write a letter then. And if you need to, tell him to read it because it says everything you can't find the words for.

Hmm... that is one option.

[Raell]

I outed myself to my family with an email, so that might work better for you, and maybe throw in some useful informational links.

I see no reason for some dramatic face to face meeting.

That way, people can educate themselves a bit and have a chance to change their minds before meeting again in person

[Kylo]

If you're dead set on transition it's inevitable he's going to find out. Or they all will unless you disappear into the ether without saying a word.

So you can cut out half the "what ifs" there. They're going to know, question is best way to break the news.

And that's something that no matter how much planning you do can just end up going the way it wants as people talk to each other behind the scenes. I did minimal disclosure - told my significant other first, then mother (in anger), brother, sister, aunt. Now everyone knows as a result of telling one of those people and they've all come to whatever conclusions they were going to - those I thought talking to personally that would be accepting were less so, and those I thought would hate it and didn't speak to really don't seem to mind. I couldn't have predicted the outcome other than that most of them don't care about me anyway so it hardly tears them up inside. On the whole, there's been minimal problems even if some of them secretly think it's bad or whatever. I didn't bother with the letter approach as didn't think they would take it in and would probably complain that I didn't do it more personally. But the massive advantage of a letter is that words are forgotten or twisted after they are said or passed around, and in a letter at least the way you mean it to be said will stay in the same form and they can read it more than once.

I can't say anybody cared that they heard first or last or in the middle or whatever. That didn't seem to bother anybody. Some less than ideal reactions but better than outright freak-outs. I also have a cousin who is trans, the problem was that they thought it was "spreading" (even though I'd broke the news 2 years before they did, they didn't take me seriously until my aunt took it seriously because it was her son who was trans and she immediately supported me. Almost as if nobody took me on my own merit, they required another family member to explain the serious aspect or to demonstrate some actual humanity, sigh)

[Angela Drakken]

Those are all very Valid points, Kylo. My other concern of course being that I could very well be placing my trust in the wrong person early on, and being outed as second hand information to the rest of the family. There's no 'non disclosure' in place with family =/

I think I'm most afraid of this, suddenly everyone stops returning my messages and calls with no explanation why, before I even have a chance to 'plead my case.'

That said, I usually respond to this in two ways, in the fetal position crying in my room, or driving right to someones front door, and not leaving until they speak to me.

[Kylo]

driving right to someones front door, and not leaving until they speak to me.

That was my approach.

I'd already steeled myself for the possibility of them all freaking out and never speaking to me again, although I didn't expect they would actually do this... since they're all so full of self-praise about how "tolerant" they are. I worked myself up to expect the worst and that wasn't what I got.

I think you just have to be ready. Considered your own position and what you want and weigh up what is most important for you. It helps to have decided both rationally and emotionally that you are on a path you are not going back down, and then any sorts of rejections or weird reactions are easier to deal with.

[Angela Drakken]

Ive honestly no problems telling someone flat out what theyd prefer; a dead son/brother or living daughter/sister. Ive always been blunt though I fear this subject requires a lot more tact than I normally can muster lol

[Angela Drakken]

So I'm a great big coward.. Y.Y
I was chatting with my brother today after my laser appointment, I guess he could sense I was kinda in a mood.
(Who me? never!) He invited me out to lunch and back to his place to work on a tattoo he is drawing for me. Everything was fine, everything was good, except a few times I think he noticed that I was visibly upset.
I couldn't do it. I couldn't tell him. I'm such a wimp. Y.Y everyone makes it seem so easy 'outing' ourselves..
I literally have all of one person I need to tell, and I can't. I just.. can't Y.Y

When we finished the tattoo, his wife and my two nieces got home. His oldest girl ran upstairs to give me a heartshaped cookie she made just for me the night before.. (The tattoo is also 'heartshaped' kinda sorta..)
I just wanted to flat out cry, his girls are so amazing..! They love my girlfriend and I so much. They're literally the only 'family' I have left.

I thanked my brother for his hard work, his wife invited me to stay for dinner, I said I couldn't and I thanked his oldest daughter for the cookie again and she ran up and gave me a hug before I made my hasty retreat back to my truck to cry. Y.Y

I'm so pathetic. >.<