Welcome to Susan's Place. My surgery was many years ago but I can answer some of your questions.
Time to sit normally will vary depending on your ability to tolerate pain. I was a couple of months before the donut started becoming more uncomfortable than doing without. About the shortest time would be around a month and it could extend to several months.
Stitches tend to run 6-8 weeks but they could come out in as little as 3 weeks. It depends on the material and the stress place on them. At 3-4 weeks there should be enough healing that as long as you are careful, the stitches are no longer needed.
Appearance can look pretty bad. The thing to watch out for is bright red flesh as that's call granulation or proud flesh. It's a normal part of healing but over time, it should turn pink and become normal skin color. If it doesn't, it needs to be treated and that can be done in a doctors office in a few minutes.
I have hear of ripping and as long as it's small, it will heal over time. If you feel it's getting on the large size, see a doctor or email some pictures so the doctor can see what you see. As for leaving it alone, an antibiotic cream might be needed to protect it from infection but that is a call between you and your doctor.
Dilation depth is now measured when you are in the hospital and you should have been instructed on this. If you feel pain when you go to deep, you may be applying to much pressure. When starting out, you need between 1 and 2 kilos of pressure. After you have healed sufficiently, you will be able to feel the pressure on the end inside. It won't hurt but you will know you are bottoming out. I alway use a dildo because that was what my doctor instructed me to use after the starter that I used. The reasoning was they were far cheaper than the medical ones and worked as well. On the other hand, in the early days, it was painful to insert it as well. I could feel every bump and ridge on the thing.
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