Many Years, Many Revelations, Still Learning

[Ashley Allison]

So, I have been on and off of Susans for the past 7 years now (Who can believe it is 2017?!?!).  This isn't a question but rather just my thoughts I need to let out this late night.  Over the years I have tried to suppress my gender dysphoria, and have went through many question, override, give into my dysphoria phases.  Of course as much as I try to eliminate my discomfort with my assigned gender, I can't.  Dear god, who knew such displeasure could be possible? But alas, here I am today.

Anyways, as always I have fallen back into dysphoria in the past few days, and subsequently slapped a transdermal estrogen patch on my torso and a downed a spironolactone from a stash of past in a moment of self pity today.  I remember just six years ago when I was about to let out the truth, when my sibling preempted me and strangely came out as transgender too to my family.  Of course, I had to remain 'strong' for my family and no one knows still who I really am beneath this male veneer.  I cringe every time my father expresses to me how disappointed he would be if another child came out as transgender.  Little does he know... Here I am.  In the mean time, I have attempted living the male life.  I found a girlfriend of nearly four years who has no idea my second life I consume myself with daydreaming of the day.  Robotically, my body acts like a male at work and in public, and I try the best I can to ignore my masculine actions.  Just a total cringe fest.  Jesus, the only aspects I recognize in the mirror are my feminine attributes, everything else is just testosterone-added blah. 

I can't wait for the day when I can act like the girl I am.  I can't wait for the day when I look in the mirror and see the face and body that expresses me.  I can't wait when I am living the life I know I was meant to.

The only pleasures I receive of life derive from gender-neutral to feminine rewards, so what is holding me back from living the life of who I am supposed to be? I am so done feeling automated/ male.  I hope this next round of medicating actually gives me clarity and the confidence I need on my condition to move forward.  Sometimes I read this forum and others discussions such as ->-bleeped-<-, and feel so disconnected from the 'T' community.  Other times, and most of the time, I feel this deep bond with my t-sisters/ brothers.  Who knew life could deal us initial lemons to overcome? Ultimately to say the least, I wish I was born female.  I know that not everything would be perfect, but at least I would be content in some senses with the basic form of my body and the expectations laid upon me.  My male physique and the assumptions held by others upon it just feel so foreign to me.  I want to be expressive, to look down and see a form I recognize, to have permission to be girly, to know the path laid before me is conducive to my inner-being.  I can't stand looking in the mirror and seeing the tall and muscular male everyone knows me to be.

Well, if you got to this point in my rant, I appreciate you reading this.  I can't wait to see what the New Year's brings for both you and I, and hopefully some sustainability will be added to my condition.  Loves 🙂 Ashley.

[KathyLauren]

I am sorry to hear that you are feeling stuck.  I hope that you are able to get un-stuck.  The dysphoria won't go away on its own.

Can you talk to your sibling as an ally?  That might be one source of support.  Have you talked to a gender therapist?  That could be another.

Your father may be disappointed it you came out, but disappointing one's parents is a rite of passage.  But the fact that he has mentioned that suggests that he already suspects.  It might not be as big a shock to him as you think.

Good luck with whatever you do.

[Rachel]

I had put road blocks in front of transitioning. Parents were a big issue too. I hope 2017 is a year you can be yourself. I to recommend seeing a gender therapist.

[Rikigirl]

Hi Ashley,

I hear you! It's so hard to think of how many people we will disappoint by being true to ourselves! The older we get the more the disphoria strengthens! You might relate to my signature picture! Would be nice to wake up "fixed"!

Riki

[Ashley Allison]

Thanks Kathy for the support, I really appreciate it 🙂 Dysphoria tends to come in big waves for me, and it looks like this is one of them.

Can you talk to your sibling as an ally?  That might be one source of support.  Have you talked to a gender therapist?  That could be another.

This is a good point, and one where I initially tried to make lemonade out of lemons years ago when my sibling came out to me.  I thought, 'Well no one knows I am trans too, maybe I can ask them to support me when I come out'.  Unfortunately, my sibling was diagnosed with a very severe mental illness, and the ramifications from that nearly tore our family apart.  We are in the healing phase from what they did, and it is not a good situation.  Unfortunately for reasons beyond my and their control, my sibling can not be an ally for me, which pains me. 

As far as a gender therapist to talk to, the thought came about in my mind yesterday and I looked up providers in my area.  I think you are right this would be an excellent source of support to go talk to, and would provide some clarity.  I am currently in my medical residency, so unfortunately my pay as well as my available hours off each day are insufficient to make regular visits.  The thought of talking aloud, for basically the first time in my life, about my problems is both daunting and amazing.  I found a support group that meets later this week for transgender individuals in my new city, and I was thinking about going to it.  The website said they gladly welcome individuals that are questioning, so I might show up in my male clothes which will be interesting to say the least. 

But the fact that he has mentioned that suggests that he already suspects.  It might not be as big a shock to him as you think.

I feel that of all my siblings, I was always under the most suspicion of being transgender, not the sibling that came out.  I always had more attributes that would be labeled female: high levels of sensitivity, empathetic for others, a disinterest in sports, went through a phase in high school where I grew out my hair long enough to look like a girl and didn't care when I got comments (actually a little ecstatic on the inside), etc.  I imagine my parents both suspected it, especially considering they told me once years ago that they would expect me to have these issues not my sibling. 

I just have the intense fear of disappointing them... I like how you phrase it that it 'is a rite of passage'.  Pretty amazed I have came this far and not managed to majorly disappoint them somehow over the years as a young adult.  My Dad once told me about people taking their own life, that they should do anything in their power to no come to that point, even if it means dropping everything in their life.  I have always kept that as a threshold for my own transition; if I can't stand to live anymore, then I will transition and use this excuse as my out.  Of course, I have had brief moments where I have got to this point, but ultimately I recover where my dysphoria is this long term and habitual annoyance.  I just might have to transition to not reach that really low point again, and explain to my family, co-workers, and friends that transitioning for me is better than the alternative.

Thanks for the help Kathy!

[Ashley Allison]

I had put road blocks in front of transitioning. Parents were a big issue too.

This just about sums it up Rachel, road blocks to transitioning.  Off the top of my head these road blocks go in this order at this moment: Parents/ Grandparents/ Girlfriend's opinion of me>Potentially destroying my professional prospects>Losing the ability to have children>The ability to find a partner in the future>Concerns over passability>Fear of later regret>the thought of having to take medication/ be under medical management for the rest of my life>concerns of losing the testosterone fueled male attributes, mostly mental, I like (i.e. intense drive).

The older we get the more the disphoria strengthens! You might relate to my signature picture! Would be nice to wake up "fixed"!

Lol, no kidding Riki!  I think about nearly every day what it would be like to wake up in the body and life of my true self, if I had been born a girl.  And every day that passes, the thought becomes less jarring and more comforting.  I, sadly to say, think about the relationships that depended on me being male for them to happen, like the romance with my girlfriend.  I imagine how I would be content for them to not have happened if I was just given the chance to be the woman I know I am. 

Yes, you are so right that dysphoria strengthens the older we get.  When I first joined Susans seven years ago, there was some fleeting hope that my questioning feelings would dissipate with the years.  I matured a little in the years that passed, and have come to terms that this is a life long condition.  Of course in the time that followed, I grew on thicker facial hair and gained more muscle mass doing very little.  Over the years I worked out in the hopes having a fit male athletic body would diminish my dysphoria.  It didn't, and now that I put on muscle so much easier in my late twenties, my muscle has become a significant source of contention for me.  I look at pictures from seven years ago, and see the testosterone fueled damage that has been inflicted on it; in contrast to if I would have been serious about my self improvement and gotten on HRT then.  Thankfully, outside of my height, I am still not out of the realm of some redemption with HRT and FFS.  I need to deal with this rather than letting the years go by.

Appreciate the support Riki and Rachel 🙂

[Rikigirl]

Wow Ashley,

I have done that too! I tried to build a perfect male body in the hope of ridding myself of the body  dysphoria! Sadly it didn't work for very long and when I am on HRT It's so obvious as my arms and legs shrink markedly! I have done this on and off for about 15 years! I hate it now and I end up with some loose skin on my arms and legs due to the reduction! Why do we do this to ourselves?

Riki

[Rachel]

The problem with not wanting to disappoint others is that it locks you in a living nightmare. You are living for their interpretation of you.

Where I work it is progressive. Professionally, I was promoted and I make the benchmark in salary in the City for what I do.

I have one child. If I was younger and wanted children, knowing what I know now, I would have my sperm saved.

Girlfriend, tell her. Dysphoria will get worse with age.  Find a partner that loves you for you.