Not Transitioning to Save Marriage

[elkie-t]

I'm in the same plane. My wife knows everything on my first coming-out to public and suspects (she knows, but without any details, as I know now she won't like them) about my second (5 years later) and has some good idea of how I hold it in between. We were separated (legally and physically) at my second coming out, yet in the end, we moved together again.

She's very scared of my outings. She thinks it's a decease that if not confronted would lead me to a certain death (for her and children). I don't care to argue (I always lose an argument with her).

I came to a point when I explored all that cross dressing can give me and found it pleasant yet not fully satisfactory. And I am not ready to make that step and part my ways with my children (oh yeah, I can part with her if she is not willing me, yet she's willing me - with all my troubles - as long as I keep my male facade). We were several times in the brink of final break up, yet somehow we both seem to not writing it off. I don't know why really, I wish that divorce, I just want to have it on friendly terms and not hurting her, I guess


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[Veronica J]

I'm in the same plane. My wife knows everything on my first coming-out to public and suspects (she knows, but without any details, as I know now she won't like them) about my second (5 years later) and has some good idea of how I hold it in between. We were separated (legally and physically) at my second coming out, yet in the end, we moved together again.

She's very scared of my outings. She thinks it's a decease that if not confronted would lead me to a certain death (for her and children). I don't care to argue (I always lose an argument with her).

I came to a point when I explored all that cross dressing can give me and found it pleasant yet not fully satisfactory. And I am not ready to make that step and part my ways with my children (oh yeah, I can part with her if she is not willing me, yet she's willing me - with all my troubles - as long as I keep my male facade). We were several times in the brink of final break up, yet somehow we both seem to not writing it off. I don't know why really, I wish that divorce, I just want to have it on friendly terms and not hurting her, I guess


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from that i would say, pure fear of the future and the struggles it would entail if you divorced and you both moved on with your lives.. not to mention the impact on your children.  putting that kind of restriction on you is never a good thing from my experience..

[elkie-t]

from that i would say, pure fear of the future and the struggles it would entail if you divorced and you both moved on with your lives.. not to mention the impact on your children.  putting that kind of restriction on you is never a good thing from my experience..

I have no fear for my future, I just don't want to start the divorce. I've been through one already and I know it's fairly unpleasant unless both parties part on friendly terms and remain friends afterwards. Which won't be, in my case, if I decide to transition.

But I would be totally ok to start it, if my gender dysphoria increases, or if my wife decides she doesn't need me anymore with all my shortcomings as a husband. In fact, last time I told her that in my opinion, we should divorce for the best of us. It didn't work out , divorce request was denied.

[jimwatersphd]

This is hard. When you married  was she aware of your thoughts, confusion. If not then understand her feelings. She fell in love with her Man.
Respect her feelings too.


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[Laurie]

This is hard. When you married  was she aware of your thoughts, confusion. If not then understand her feelings. She fell in love with her Man.
Respect her feelings too.


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Hi Jim,

  I'm Laurie, MtF, self proclaimed greeter for Susan's Place, Welcome to the best trans support site on the web. I want to invite you to hop on over to the Introductions forum and create a small post there introducing yourself so we can not only get you properly but also get to know you a bit better.

Hugs,
   Laurie

[LizK]

This is hard. When you married  was she aware of your thoughts, confusion. If not then understand her feelings. She fell in love with her Man.
Respect her feelings too.


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[MandyD]

I just came out as GD to my wife about 5 months ago and she's made it very clear that she would not be attracted to me as a woman (she says she's not a lesbian).   I love her very much and am trying to make this marriage work.

At first she was accepting (to a point) and but over the last month she is increasingly struggling with me being transgender.   My therapist (who I've been seeing for 6 months) has been encouraging me to push the envelop and explore new things - I've definitely put this on hold for now.

I've agreed to continue to live / present as male and keep this a secret between us (kids, friends, family concerns).

I got my therapist to refer my wife to a therapist who specializes in gender issues - her first appt is tomorrow.  I really hope she gains some understanding of my situation and a bit more acceptance.   I really think I can manage to strike a balance with her but she needs to meet me part of the way.....

[LizK]

I just came out as GD to my wife about 5 months ago and she's made it very clear that she would not be attracted to me as a woman (she says she's not a lesbian).   I love her very much and am trying to make this marriage work.

At first she was accepting (to a point) and but over the last month she is increasingly struggling with me being transgender.   My therapist (who I've been seeing for 6 months) has been encouraging me to push the envelop and explore new things - I've definitely put this on hold for now.

I've agreed to continue to live / present as male and keep this a secret between us (kids, friends, family concerns).

I got my therapist to refer my wife to a therapist who specializes in gender issues - her first appt is tomorrow.  I really hope she gains some understanding of my situation and a bit more acceptance.   I really think I can manage to strike a balance with her but she needs to meet me part of the way.....

Hi Mandy

My wife went and saw my therapist for a private session of her own. We have never discussed what went on in that session and I would not ask but I can tell you the woman that came out of the session was different to the woman who went in. She had a clearer understanding of what I was dealing with every day and how that has impacted me over the years. She also got some ways to help cope...the offer was there to have further session if she wants them but she is now fine. Some situations feel "odd" between us but we can generally have a good laugh about them....do not underestimate the positive effects when you have the ability to laugh at yourself  and not take life so seriously.

We do not have a traditional marriage. My wife is not attracted to women but our relationship has strengthened despite this. She is very supportive. Gives great fashion advice and keeps me centred about how I actually look to the rest of the world.

I hope the session your wife has helps her to be at ease with the changes that you are going through and may you can develop a new relationship.

[Another Nikki]

MD-  my wife knew about the CDing from early on.  So when i came out of denial and admitted to myself i was trans, and then told her, it was not completely out of left field, but close.  18 months later she intellectually accepts it, and can see a future together even if i transition.  That definitely wasn't the case early on.  I really think it's helped in that she can see how sad i am
when the GD is strong, she read Anne Vitale's white paper from her website where she discussed what she calls group 3 ts' (which i fit fairly closely), and I'm taking things at a glacial pace, which helps her mentally adjust.  i'm also way more open about my feelings and express my emotions, something i've rarely done in our previous 25 years together.

Good luck.

[MandyD]

Elizabeth, thanks for the encouraging words.  I have to admit I'm really nervous about my wife meeting her therapist tomorrow.  My greatest fear is that she convinces herself that she should not have to deal with my weaknesses and gives me an ultimatum... More to come, tomorrow will be a big day...... I sure hope it goes more positively...

[warlockmaker]

I totally understand family and responsibility and sacrifice. As an Eurasian my family duties are part of my life. You can always transition later. I waited and kept positive as I fufilled my duty, and had a great life as a male. Became female tg at 67

[Nora Kayte]

Stream of consciousness stuff....sorry.
     I love my wife of 33 years and she loves me. We want to work it out. We want to make it work. I dress 24/7 because I am a transitioning woman.  It has made things....interesting? She stifles my femininity. Not intentionally....but just by her being, standing in silent judgement. Her husband looking and acting more like a woman everyday has her reaching for the Xanax. She medicates while I transition. I want her to be happy but don't know how. She wants me to be happy but can't manage to give me what I need. It's as if it's out of our hands. Where will it go? I have a plan. I've had many plans. They all disintegrate like dust in the wind. I sometimes feel as though she thinks I'm going to "snap out of it". That her husbands coming back and she merely needs to bite her tongue and bide her time. My heart breaks for her. She never did anything to deserve what is happening in her life. I can't go back to a life of despair. This summer brings FFS...I'm elated. She's distraught. Sometimes I man up for her to make her feel good. All my triggers get tripped and I'm forced to go back to being myself before the dysphoria drives me mad. She falls back into depression. Something has to change but the forced change could kill our relationship. I live in such a schizoid pseudo reality right now that I fear my and her health are on the line. How can I make this right. How will I go back? ................back to what? What lies forward? Who knows?
     I have a plan, I've had many plans....They all disintegrate like dust in the wind.

Are you in my mind reading my thoughts. Sent me in tears. So much how it seems I am living.


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[LizK]

Elizabeth, thanks for the encouraging words.  I have to admit I'm really nervous about my wife meeting her therapist tomorrow.  My greatest fear is that she convinces herself that she should not have to deal with my weaknesses and gives me an ultimatum... More to come, tomorrow will be a big day...... I sure hope it goes more positively...

Hey Mandy

Was thinking about you today and was hoping the outcome of the therapy for you wife was positive...if you do not want to talk about it then please don't, I know how incredibly difficult it can be to express how you feel when it comes to things like this.

[Lady Lisandra]

I first read the word "transexual" when I was 17. I delayed my transition for 3 years because I didn't want to break up with my girlfriend. By the time I started to transition we had been together for 7 years. She wasn't my wife, but I was doomed to marry her had I continued till pretend being a man. "I want a man, I'm not a lesbian" she said more times than I can remember.

After 3 years of trying to supress my feelings and coping with her psychologcal abuse, we finally broke up. She quickly found a boyfriend to replace me. I was a ruin until I found my actual girlfriend. I now realized, she didn't love me, she was just interested in my genitals. I was just a penis to her. She didn't even try to be with me as a woman.

I know it's a though decision, but in my opinion only after you say to your wife that you are going to transition you'll know whether she really loves you, or only wants a man.

[echo7]

You really can't blame a woman if she is only attracted to men.  It's not fair to blame her if she doesn't stay with you after a gender transition.  She can't change her sexual orientation, just as you can't change your gender identity.

It doesn't help you or anyone else to hold a grudge or harbor resentment. Best to just part ways amicably and move on.

[Nora Kayte]

Wow. That looks like something I would have wrote a year ago.  I got the I'm not gay. I fell in love with a man speeches. So far she still says I love you. And I'm still here. Not sure of my next move but I am at the point where I need to decided if I am moving forward. It will be tough. Still present as a man. But will be starting electrolysis soon. And she met me with a goatee and side burns and those will be going away. And she loves them. I guess I will see if it's me or them soon. I also don't have buds anymore. The are breasts. Noticeable breasts. So far she is still here. I have a plan and it's working so far. But it could go south at anytime. It is hard. But IMO if you are here starting might be your next move. Depends on how you see it. But if you are one of the lucky/unlucky ones you breasts might not grow that much and you could present as a man for a very long time.
When I started HRT I told my wife. Low dose to take the edge off. But also told her if I need to up it to keep my mind where I need it, I will. It's a crap shoot.


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[echo7]

And circling back to the theme here, I'm not transitioning because of my marriage, my kids, my job, my career. but mostly because of my wife and kids. I believe that if I was on my own I would have alredy been several years into transitioning and HRT.

No, I disagree.  I don't think you would.  You are just making excuses.  You see, everyone can come up with reasons or excuses as to why they're not transitioning.  Everyone has a lot to lose, regardless of their stage in life.  A 20 year-old may not have a marriage and kids, but they likely have parents.  And transitioning would risk losing parental support and probably financial support as a result.  In some ways it's even more scary because they don't have a history of job experience or maybe even an education yet to fall back on to support themselves.  Maybe transitioning would mean they would never even be able to have kids, ever!

It's not easy to transition, regardless of where you are in life.  Your situation is not harder than others.  You shouldn't use other people as an excuse.  You shouldn't blame your lot in life.  This is all on you.  You need to take responsibility for transitioning (or not transitioning) and own it as your personal decision.

[elkie-t]

+1 to Echo7. Wise thoughts ...


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[JoanneB]

Ditto  +1 to Echo

From someone who TWICE attempted/experimented with transitioning in their late teens and again early 20's.... back in the age of dinosaurs.  Plenty more excuses back then why not continue, along with a small dose of the realities

[Sarah77]

This thread was made for me.

I've tried so hard to get my wife to accept I'm transgendered.
I love her, I'm intensely loyal and I worry about our kids.

There is noone in the world I'll ever want to validate me more as a woman than her.
I want her to love me as a woman. I'm envious and in awe of her ability to get pregnant, to get periods, to just wear nice clothes.

I feel so guilty she had to deal with his. But also hurt and devastated she rejects it completely.
And scared because I lose her by beginning transition.

I really, really blew it not being more self aware twenty years ago. Do I love her more than me?
And whats me without someone to love?