Do You Feel Like a Different Person?

[flytrap]

Brutally honest? Nope, not for me or my male Primary.
Starting testosterone blockers and switching to estrogen had a few side effects- some hair fall out and I grew tiny boobs. But the biggest change was the glorious relief in knowing that in being chemically castrated, I could never hurt anyone the way I was hurt when I was raped as a child.

[Abbiem]

 

[autumn08]

It turned out that there was so much I simply didn't know, and so I had to make "concessions" -- not so much in terms of the basic dignity of other people, "n-word" incidents and the like, but realizing that how I would go about addressing things no longer worked and I had to do things differently -- and, ultimately, for the better I think.  How to function in a work environment, for example, where small groups get things done, or hobby groups oriented around exploring mutual interests -- book clubs, TV show fan clubs, stuff like that.  How to re-integrate myself into extended family life (very difficult).  How to develop friendships, sexual relationships, and the like -- but even simple things like how I'd interact with the clerk at the checkout counter, or making eye contact with random woman at the DMV, not to mention how to look at men (as well as how not to look at men) walking down the street. 

You're right that I will need to learn new skills and that I may integrate those skills into various parts of my life.

While I don't like making concessions for the sake of fitting in, sometimes it's necessary to be congenial when I don't to be, and after transitioning it will continue to be necessary. Therefore, if amplifying my femininity would make the clerk at the checkout counter more comfortable, then I may, but I may decide that they should do more to adjust.

I wouldn't say, though, that my sense of basic values changed.  I might have re-ordered them, but it's not like I suddenly adopted something I previously found repugnant for the sake of "fitting in."  I don't think you have to worry about that.

Autumn, I don't think you have to worry.  You're going to be fine.  You're asking the right questions, and I believe you're smart and conscientious and kind.  That's not going to change.  Everything else, whatever changes happen are going to be true to your self, even if you don't recognize it now at this very early stage.  You might find some things you might not like about yourself, but that's okay too.  Going through transition is like going through another adolescence.  It can be awkward and painful and very self-conscious, but then you grow up and move on, and you won't able to help but be who you really are. 

Thank you, Sophie.

Your posts have been very helpful in allaying my fear of instead of the acorn becoming a tree, it becoming a banana. To put it another way, even if I don't recognize it immediately, if I look back I'll be able to identify the acorn that the changes originated from, as HRT only helps release the potential that's already in me.

[autumn08]

Yes.  I said earlier that I still felt like the same person.  But I certainly don't feel the same.  There are lots of things I feel, and act differently about.  But the core person is still me.  Perhaps that's because I have known I was trans since I was 11.  I fought against it for a long time and that fighting caused me to adopt behaviors and beliefs  as a crutch to hide behind.  Since I don't need that crutch anymore I abandoned those things and believe and do what I like rather than what I needed to maintain a false avatar.



It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not.
André Gide, Autumn Leaves

Thank you, Deborah!

[autumn08]

I don't exactly feel like a different person, but I do feel freer.  I'm allowing myself to think and say and do things that I would earlier have been too cautious to try.

But I think I've changed in ways that I don't notice, but other people do.  When I was at the bank recently, dealing with yet another name change issue, the bank person (officer?) said I was clearly a lot happier being who I was now.  And it's not like they know me all that well, I don't think.  The pastor at my church said that the reason people were more open to me (several months after I came out to the congregation) was that I was more open and not pushing people away.  I really hadn't noticed any of this.

Also, I've been trying to be a little different.  I'm trying to soften my voice.  I smile in response to people I pass on the street or in malls or wherever.  I try to be gentler in interacting with people (especially women.)  It's not like I was this swaggering MCP before, but now I'm trying to fit in with other women, and my impression is that most women are far more considerate of one another and more careful of hurting one another than men are.  And I like that.  I'd like to be a person that people feel comfortable and safe around.

I do find men intimidating.  I always did, but I'm more conscious of it now.  I don't know if women were wary of me back when I was presenting as a man, but I was always careful not to give them any more reason than my apparent gender.  And now that I'm presenting as a woman, I feel -- or maybe I'm just assuming -- that I can allow myself more.  To complement them on their clothing or how they've done their hair.  Maybe I'm Doing It Wrong and just deluding myself, but it's nice to feel that way.  That I can take off the Iron Man suit.

Thank you, Asche!

[autumn08]

Autumn,
   Wow, guess I was "lost in transition" (yuk yuk!) for one day and wow, your thread has really generated a lot of good conversation. So, many good comments! It occurs to me to add one more thing. From all of what you have said, I conclude that it is important to you to retain control. I think if you were to start HRT you would be still in control. Who decides to start, increase or decrease dosage, or even cease HRT? You! You are in control of it.
   It also seems to me that if HRT is only theoretical and not actual experience for you, you are not in as powerful a position. I think back to when I first  accepted myself and started taking steps. When everything was theoretical for me, I was so naive, so clueless as to what I would do or like. Every step I took was, in a sense, an experiment. Starting HRT could have gone two ways I guess. For me, it was great. Even if it hadn't gone so well, I would have been better off because my direction would be clearer.  Some way too smart idiot once said something about learning more from our mistakes than our  successes. The actual experience is so empowering. Thinking back, so much of my theoretical thinking was way wrong. I was very afraid, theoretically, that I would never be comfortable socially with people seeing me as a woman. In reality, it was  actually one of the most fulfilling things about my transition. I think back to all the fears I had. It ruled my life. My "experiments" allowed me to plow through that "stinking" fear.
   My best to you!
   Moni

Thank you, Moni!

[autumn08]

This is when i start seriously wishing i had my old posts because it could be very helpful although i'm sure i can do some digging and find it floating around i'll send it to you sometime you may find it helpful.
Okay, before going on HRT one of my biggest fears was my personality changing that fear went to such a degree i was scared i wouldn't even recognize it in myself if it did change, over looking other's could tell me if it was changing. Basically i got my courage up and went on HRT and guess what happened! My personality it didn't change
instead its like i was a puzzle and someone found the missing peace after finding that missing peace i felt complete. I'll give a couple examples: Before i was hesitant always scared to take the leap on anything i was doing
even though i wanted very much to do it but that hesitation wouldn't let that happen.
After: I'm still hesitant to a degree but it's a lot less troublesome and it doesn't hold me back so often anymore
because i'm less hesitant i feel more happy with myself because i'd consider myself more confident.
Before i was also very wild with my emotions i couldn't handle them and i wasn't coping very good
i was exploding with tears because half the time i couldn't figure out what i was feeling, that was frustrating.
And After: I'm now feeling a lot less emotional and my emotions can still be hard to grasp sometimes
but they are a lot easier for me to figure out and understand i'm also a lot calmer and more relaxed and before i always felt like i was way to crazy.

See i didn't change
The negative just became the positive
and i went more into who i was then i ever could do before HRT so far it's helped and
i'm still the same old person i always was even checked and everyone just sees more of smile
that's the only difference.
You will be okay and i'll promise you that, and i can say that because iv'e felt that intense fear and all that fear
really was just doubts and worries but in the end it all worked out fine.

Wow! Thank you, SpeakYourMind!

This is exactly what I hope to achieve with HRT.

[autumn08]

Brutally honest? Nope, not for me or my male Primary.
Starting testosterone blockers and switching to estrogen had a few side effects- some hair fall out and I grew tiny boobs. But the biggest change was the glorious relief in knowing that in being chemically castrated, I could never hurt anyone the way I was hurt when I was raped as a child.

Wow. I'm sorry for what you went through.

[autumn08]

Thank you, everyone!

In short, what I expect is not a Kafkaesque metamorphosis, but a liberation of aspects that I don't yet fully understand, and that after I adjust to them, this will only improve my well-being and increase my positive contribution.

[flytrap]

@Autumn08:
Please don't be sorry for me- I've done enough of that for us both!
I am a survivor. I am proud of that. I write about my life because something I say may whelp someone so their life is a little easier than mine was.

[Kylo]

Thank you, everyone!

In short, what I expect is not a Kafkaesque metamorphosis, but a liberation of aspects that I don't yet fully understand, and that after I adjust to them, this will only improve my well-being and increase my positive contribution.

I always felt more like Gregor to begin with - a reverse metamorphosis is hopefully what it will be.

[SonadoraXVX]

Yes, Autumn08,
A part of me, has changed dramatically, mentally and physically. I'm less angry, less impulsive and at least 50% LESS physically stronger(i.e. used to be able to throw a full size car tire, 15 feet away from me with one arm). I live in a rough part of L.A.(i.e.between Compton and watts), and I feel my protector side has taken a hit, doing handyman duties around the house, fixing cars, being seen as an alpha head of household. BUT from the lack of my physical strength, I have taken up the more mental side of conflict mitigation/avoidance and have taken up some combatives(basic moves) up again(speed and technicalities improved, 50% less power). I instinctually during my more alpha/beta young male years, I took up auto/diesel/small engine mechanics, paralegal, 6 years of college(B.A. in Soc./M.A. in Psy.), and carpentry, along with my stint of military service(5 years usmc), hoping that the camaraderie and part instinctual protective side of me, would fade my feminine feelings, NOPE, I just felt I was hiding a dirty rotten secret. I'm still not out at work or home, my girlfriend knows and accepts me, she still sees the male side of me, which I'm cool with it, no biggie. I'm just waiting to change agencies with the same local gov't to let the cat of the bag more, and move out of my neighborhood to express my more feminine side too.
My best friend and like a brother, is totally an alpha male, served together in the USMC as a MP during peacetime,  He is a former 4th Force Recon Marine Team leader, dual cool(jump/scuba qualified), Iraq Combat Veteran, Ph.D in Sociology, now holding 5 different MOS in the U.S. Army Reserve as an O5, seems to somewhat accept it, but not quite, hopefully we can still relate, academically, I'm pursing my 2nd MA(i.e. in the middle of it) and maybe law school in the next 3 years.
Best place to transition, is more in the white collar/college educated part of the city, then the blue collar/less college educated(hood)part of the city, my experience.

Point: Yes I struggle with letting go with the male side of me, but my feminine side, says, "Dude, your not going lose it, you got the training and credentials, so you will be 50-75% less physically strong, work on the technical/mental aspects of the field(s), or around the more physically demanding sides. I feel you Autumn08.
My mental protective alpha/beta male side guided me to government service, towards more LGBT rights protected employers and still pending a white collar neighborhood home(more educated and hopefully a whole lot less prejudicial).

Point:We can cross the divide, and retain what we worked for, with some exceptions, Autmn08,

[silliemunkie]

Starting HRT, I had many of the same feelings. After 3 months, I can honestly say my life has gone for the better. Some days I still wonder if this is the right path, but as time goes on, I know it's the path I'm supposed to be on. We all face challenges in life, and how we deal with them defines who we really are. The holidays were a challenge, but I came out knowing I'm who I am supposed to be. How do I feel after 3 months? My moods are lighter, and I smile more. A concern I had in the beginning was how I would react with my other med's for bi-polar. Nothing really changed, but I monitor it closely. I'm going to keep pressing forward, and look forward to an even better year.

[MjaGi]

brutally honest? I an a very different person now, different thinking, different opinions and views, different interests etc. etc.
Inside you will always stay the same, so you dont have to worry about yourself changing into a 'worse' person and caring about anyone less than before if you like them a lot. You will stay yourself, but you will still change.
Its a bit difficult to explain but dont worry if you want to be a good person, you will still be a good person after 3 years of HRT  but people always change as their situation does, trans or not. So dont worry 

[natalie.ashlyne]

I have just been on HRT for almost 2 months now. I feel less angry less suicidal more happy but more tired as well

[AnwenEira]

I feel that HRT has made me calmer, relaxed, happier and generally more empathetic (sp?)