Gay male married to trans woman, worried

[marctravis]

I'm a gay male married to a trans woman.
At the time we got married, my spouse was a gay male also.
She came out to me several months ago. I've gone through a lot of the stages I assume other spouses go through, denial, anger, confusion, denial again. I've come to accept it for the most part. I would never consider leaving my spouse. I love her too much. It's just difficult thinking of the difficulties she will go through. She is very pollyanna in life, never thinking about what bad can happen. But I'm still worried about her safety.
There's still a small nagging slice of doubt at the back of my mind. It was all so sudden. And we were always so open about ourselves. We were a gay couple after all, in an open relationship. Now, we're in the planning stage of surgery (the whole shebang, top and bottom) and I'm starting to panic a little. What if my spouse, who has a history of changing her mind a lot, has the operation then regrets it? There's no going back. Also, the cost is astronomical. We don't have this kind of money and it will have to be completely financed. Spouse has a pretty secure job, but I know how trans folks can be harassed and fired in our society. I'd still be working, but it's a huge debt.
How do I know for sure that my spouse really wants this?

[Cailan Jerika]

One word: counseling. Lots and lots of open communication also help, almost excessive sharing. Tell him all your worries, both alone and with a professional counselor/moderator. Share stupid stuff that doesn't seem related, but is. My husband and I are still in the early stages, and already I've had some shocking epiphanies about myself in addition to learning so much more about him.

[Dena]

RLE (Real Live Experience) before any surgeries will give you a pretty good idea what life is like. The WPATH standards suggest a year to learn how society reacts to you and if you can accept what you will face in the new life. Some therapy should be included as it will cover any issues and endure that a proper adjustment to the new life is taking place. RLE is kind of a school and if proper attention is paid, the odds of regret are very low.

[Abbiem]

Start saving and you dont need to do everything at ONCE.
Then if you love her SET HER FREE because it seems you have a problem with her that she wants to be who she wants o be through surgery THEN SET HER FREE. maybe you dont have this amount of money, but plan it, work for it, save and do everything by stages.
She or he decides what to do with her or his body.

[Sophia Sage]

If you're worried about her safety, and about whether she'll have regrets, I'd focus on her passability.  Make sure she gets her facial hair removed.  Help her re-train her voice.  Consider facial surgery for the "first" surgery, assuming by "the whole shebang" you've got this on the table. 

If she isn't considering these things, then she's being very pollyannish and won't actually be getting much female gendering from other people, which may skew her sense of reality and hence what she really wants.  And if this is what she really wants, it will make the whole thing that much better.

Finally... being a gay man, you might have needs that she can't meet eventually.  You might want to talk about the possibility of a polyamorous relationship if you really need to be with another man for your own sexual fulfillment. 

[marctravis]

Thanks for all the responses.

[Charlie Nicki]

I just found this thread. Would love to have an update on you guys.