I'm tired of it all

[Michelle_P]

Saira, thank you for sharing with us. I think that you are a remarkable person, stronger than you know.

You've already come so far.  We're here for you!

Hugs,
Michelle

[Saira128]

I made 2 cuts today.
   I couldn't help it.

[Michelle_P]

Please,please don't do that, hon! You deserve to treat yourself better than that. You have been so strong.

Try to just stay at rest, and find that inner strength you have shown.

Hugs, Michelle



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Sno]

Sweetie, look at the positives - how long have you been able to go, without this, and how many fewer marks have you made.!

That's progress. Real progress. It may not feel like it right now, but you're doing ok, especially if you set yourself a target of better than this time.

(Hugs)


Rowan

[Saira128]

No one understands what I am going through, not my friends, nor my parents.
     I am responsible for it too, I don't show my emotions readily.
    I'm sure you all are sick of me ranting here, spreading all this negativity. I am sorry for that.
     I can't cope with it anymore. I don't know what I want, I just feel sad.
     I'll try for a month and if nothing changes, I'll just end it. I don't want to make anyone sad anymore.
     

[Janes Groove]

You're not making anyone sad or uncomfortable dear. I've have had 3 major crises in my life and consider myself blessed to be here. Most of us have been there. Done that.  You feel what you feel. There is no shame.  Asking for help is not weakness.  Not asking for help is being "too strong."  The big lesson of being transgender is forgiving oneself and learning to love oneself.  Please don't be so hard on yourself.

[Michelle_P]

     No one understands what I am going through, not my friends, nor my parents.
     I am responsible for it too, I don't show my emotions readily.
    I'm sure you all are sick of me ranting here, spreading all this negativity. I am sorry for that.
     I can't cope with it anymore. I don't know what I want, I just feel sad.
     I'll try for a month and if nothing changes, I'll just end it. I don't to make anyone sad.
   

Saira, many here have been in the same place.  I've definitely been there.  It's a nasty dark place, and it took me a while to figure out how to leave it and move into the sunlight.

You have a therapist that you've seen, right?  Have you tried talking to them about these feeling, letting them know what's going on?  I found that to be tremendously helpful. The therapist is trained to understand, and guide us out of our darkness.  They won't judge you, and there really isn't anything to fear in being honest and open with them.

You've been able to show some of your emotions here, and we empathize with you.  There is no need to apologize for feeling the way that you do.  It has happened to many of us, and we understand.  We want to help you let this out, and help you cope with this.

Sharing your feelings, just writing them out and putting them here, can help.  I think that what you want is simply to feel better, feel right as yourself.  That is certainly something we all want, and we gather here in this place to help each other.

We're here for you, Saira.

Hugs,
Michelle

[Sno]

No one understands what I am going through, not my friends, nor my parents.
     I am responsible for it too, I don't show my emotions readily.
    I'm sure you all are sick of me ranting here, spreading all this negativity. I am sorry for that.
     I can't cope with it anymore. I don't know what I want, I just feel sad.
     I'll try for a month and if nothing changes, I'll just end it. I don't want to make anyone sad anymore.
   

Sweetie,
Support means good times and bad, it means sticking by, and keeping trying to help - it also means freedom to express ourselves, not just the good times - so please don't worry

I self harm - and I'm trying to stop. My targets are my areas of physical dysphoria, and I have good and bad days. I do understand, and quietly, there are a few of us here.

If you have a therapist, then great, get in touch with them, and express how you are feeling. If it gets overwhelming then there are links at the top of the page, for folk to talk to, during those crisis moments, and there are all of us here.

Please, keep on talking.

Rowan

[Katy]

Saira,

Use all of the resources that are available to you.  Certainly continue to post here, but also try to find additional help where you are at.  For instance, find someone you can call 7/24 or whenever you are feeling particularly low.  There is no shame in asking for help from a variety of community resources.  That's why they exist.

Practice good self-talk.  Remind yourself repeatedly, "Self-harm is never the answer."  Walk!  Exercise!  Fill your moments and days with physical activity. 

All the best.   

[p]

Saira,

I just wanted to join the chorus of us on here who are rooting for you, who believe in you, and who care about you.

With love,
P

[Saira128]

I have major depression. I am on anti-depressants, anti-anxiety pills.
  The pills make me want to sleep continuously, and don't really help with my depression nor my anxiety.
     Should I stop taking them?
   I need to study for my final year of Medicine, and I can't afford to sleep 12-13 hrs a day.
      What do you ladies suggest?

[Michelle_P]

I have major depression. I am on anti-depressants, anti-anxiety pills.
  The pills make me want to sleep continuously, and don't really help with my depression nor my anxiety.
     Should I stop taking them?
   I need to study for my final year of Medicine, and I can't afford to sleep 12-13 hrs a day.
      What do you ladies suggest?

That's a really tough call.  Backing off on the medication may expose you to more risks and distractions from studying from the return of anxiety and possibly depression.  If your studies can constantly distract you from the issues driving the depression and anxiety it might be worth the risk. 

It might be worth consulting with a professional about this, just to help you figure out what you can tolerate in terms of medication vs study effort, and what adjustments can be safely made.

I know you are a strong person, and will get through this.  Depression and anxiety are really rough when we have to concentrate on a task, so there is a tradeoff involved.  Just be careful.

Hugs and best wishes for successful studies!
Michelle

[Janes Groove]

I have major depression. I am on anti-depressants, anti-anxiety pills.
  The pills make me want to sleep continuously, and don't really help with my depression nor my anxiety.
     Should I stop taking them?
   I need to study for my final year of Medicine, and I can't afford to sleep 12-13 hrs a day.
      What do you ladies suggest?

I also suffer from major depressive disorder but haven't had an episode since 2013.  Sleeping 12-13 hours a day is a problem.   I want to do the same thing when I suffer a severe bout of depression.  My advice is to make a major effort to avoid this sort of sleep.  It is actually both a symptom and cause of depression.  i.e., the more you sleep, the more severe the depressive episode will be.  Do whatever you need to end this pattern. You should not be sleeping more that 9 hours a night.  Even if it means setting the alarm clock EVERY DAY.   Try to go to bed the same time every night.  Exercise.  Avoid sugar and junk food.  If you are lying in bed reading or studying and getting sleepy, then get up and walk around the block.  Also, the type of sleep is important as well.  It's important to get a lot of delta wave sleep.  This is the deepest state of sleep that is marked by delta wave EEG patterns of the sleeper. Studies have shown that Human Growth Hormone is manufactured and released by the body during delta sleep.  HGH gives you more energy and defeats fatigue.   There are supplements that can help with this. Also auto suggestion before sleep helped me to get better sleep.   If your current anti-depressants are causing  you to get sleepy discuss this with your doctor. It can take some time, trying different anti-depressants, trial and erroring if you will, till you find the one that works best for you.   They all have different side effects.  Also, it takes the anti-depressants a while to start working.

[Michelle_P]

Jane Emily's advice is spot on.  It sparked a memory of a family member who has been down this path.  There were several tweaks to treatment of a family member with depression and anxiety, similar to what she describes.

[Saira128]

Is there a painless way to kill myself?

[p]

Saira, I want you to call the Trans Lifeline. Here's the number: US: (877) 565-8860 / Canada: (877) 330-6366

Or if you're in a different country, please let me know which one. Let's find someone you can talk to on the phone. If you're seeing a therapist, sometimes they will chat on the phone between sessions if needed.

We love you, Saira, and we want you to stay here with us! I know it's so, so hard--I am not trying to say that it's not hard, or painful. You have every right to feel this pain and depression. But we also want to keep you here with us so that you can enjoy some of the good things that are yet to come for you.

Love,
P

[Michelle_P]

Is there a painless way to kill myself?

Saira, that path is no good.  There are better ways to go, better paths for you.

Please call a suicide hotline there, talk to someone, just to dump your feelings out.  It helps.

I did find one, snehaindia.org, at 91.44.24640050 that says it is a 24 hour line, in the Chennai area.

[Dena]

I have been there as well and I am glad I didn't take the quick way out. I know it's difficult now and you have a bunch of work ahead of you but you have to believe it's going to get better and you will be happy. Call your therapist or somebody who can talk with and keep you occupied until this passes.

[Janes Groove]

Is there a painless way to kill myself?

The answer is no.  It's always no. I know this might sound meaningless to you now, but it WILL get better.
It really sounds like you need tell some real live people in your real life world about the way you're feeling right now.  People who can help.  Reach out for a lifeline no matter where it appears. Can you call your mom or dad? Or other family member? A local emergency room? Your therapist?  Are there any Indian suicide help lines you can reach where you are?
I've asked myself that question before too. It's a very common in our transgender community to feel this way at some point. There is a way out.  It just means you need to connect to someone where you are.  And keep talking to us too.

[SadieBlake]

Sara, you're clearly hurting worse since last month, can you tell us if something has happened or changed? Of course maybe nothing has happened and you're simply feeling worse. I believe you mentioned taking an antidepressant, and sometimes those make things worse, please talk ti the prescribing psychiatrist.

I can't even imagine what's happening for you now, I hope you will talk to us, feel free to PM me also.

Warm hugs, love Sadie