I'm Out!

[AshleyC]

Yesterday was the day. I did it.

It all started out so well. Likes and supportive comments rolled in, and I was feeling very warm and fuzzy.

And then I got a text from my mom: "I have to ask because I don't truly understand what is happening here. Does this mean my boy is dead?"

And my heart sank.

When SK and I told my parents on Wednesday night, they seems so casual and chill that I was actually taken aback by it. Turns out, they were just both in shock, and I found out my mom had gone to bed crying that night, and basically hasn't stopped since.

Luckily, knowing it would likely be an emotional day, I took the day off work, so I was able to call her.

I spent four hours on the phone with her and my dad, doing my best to make heads or tails of the situation for them. I honestly don't know if I helped at all.

They repeatedly told me they loved me no matter what, but they were also very confused and emotional, but couldn't put names to their emotions. At one point, mom said "It feels like a death in the family."

I don't know how I managed to go through this entire phone call without balling my eyes out. Listening to your mother cry for four hours nearly non-stop and knowing it's your fault is... I don't know, but it's a lot.

Aside from that, though, the day went amazingly. Over 200 positive reactions and over 100 supportive comments on my Facebook post, and my blog post has been read over 1700 times already.

There was a huge outpouring of love and encouragement from friends, acquaintances, and extended family who are here for both me and my parents as we navigate this new development together.

It was a long, emotional day, but ultimately a good one.

I've got a long road ahead of me, but this was a decent start. Thanks to everyone on these boards for their help, both direct and indirect. I really don't think I would have been to handle all this without somewhere to escape to for perspective. It means the world to have you all here.

[Denise]

Ashley,

    I'm sorry you had to go through that, it must have been tough.  You have all your friends who support you.

    A few things to consider.

    I'm assuming your mom thinks that her son is "dead" and to some extent I can see that.  How many people here post "dead name"?  You will probably not convince her otherwise, let her morn.  You then need to show here that there has been a rebirth in a different form.  In some ways you are still the same person including the values and experiences as your former self.  Show that to your mom and it might help.

    One other thing I was warned is telling parents they sometimes feel guilty.  Why didn't I see it earlier?  Why did he/she go through life in such turmoil?  How could I as his/her mother not have seen it?  I'm a terrible parent.  You need to convince her that we all hid it and got very good at it.

     She may feel badly about all the challenges you are going through now.

     Consider that you are much happier (I assume you are) and you are a better person for it.  Maybe a written letter to your parents would be a good idea.  Written letters are hard to interrupt with comments, it can be read over and over, you can get exactly what you want to say exactly right.

Congratulations on your HUGE step.

Denise

[AshleyC]

Well, it was bound to happen, but I hit my first transphobe.

Unfortunately, it's my brother.

He told me I've lost my mind, and that if I want to be a "chick with a dick" that was my business, but that if I think he is going to start calling me Ashley, then I really have flipped my lid.

SK just comforted me through a sobbing fit. I'm supposed to go out tonight to celebrate with friends and all I want to do is curl up into a ball and disappear.

[Denise]

Unfortunately, it's my brother.

I'm totally sorry.  It's his loss.  It's not much of a consolation but you have a bunch of new sisters here.

- Dee

[DawnOday]

Well, it was bound to happen, but I hit my first transphobe.

Unfortunately, it's my brother.

He told me I've lost my mind, and that if I want to be a "chick with a dick" that was my business, but that if I think he is going to start calling me Ashley, then I really have flipped my lid.

SK just comforted me through a sobbing fit. I'm supposed to go out tonight to celebrate with friends and all I want to do is curl up into a ball and disappear.

Take it from someone who hid a long long time to keep from upsetting someone else. Your brother will decide on his life path. Why should he decide yours?  Remain cordial but distant until he gets it in his brain you are serious. Make sure to show him the evidence that the decision is really out of your hands and that more than likely you were born predestined to be where you are right now. I fought it, lost my 1st wife, because I could not explain myself. Different time. different place. I about had a breakdown because I could no longer hide. It was on my mind constantly.

[Tessa James]

Congratulations Ashley, that is one yuuge step for anyone to take.  Your compassion and empathy is being tested as this is high drama+ for families and friends who know and care about us.  I will suggest some self care about "fault" for how others feel.  I imagine if you had your way your mom and brother would feel happy for you and there in is the limit of our ability to make people feel anything.  Feelings come from a single individual's perceptions.  They gotta own it.  We may work our life away trying to please others and make them happy only to loose ourselves in the bargain where others can then control or influence our destiny.  At what price?

Feelings of loss and grief are legitimate and again, totally individual.  My family clearly let me know about their confusion and sense of loss.  "I just lost my brother, husband or best friend" is based on their assumptions of who we have often "acted as".  Some of us have done too well at that acting for so long that any hints or suggestions otherwise are brushed aside.  It takes time but those who want to remain close or even grow with us will still be there tomorrow and next year too.  It took me forever to figure myself out and I feel honored that anyone will take the time to figure out their response and depth of connection with us.  Its only too easy to walk away.

[Inarasarah]

Ashley,

A similar thing happenend with one of my sisters, she was not blatantly transphobic. but her actions were most definitely that way.  So I know what you are going through and I am sorry.  If it offers any comfort, the last few years my sister and I have started talking, even seeing each other on family holidays.  It took over 10 years for this to happen, but I never gave up.  I also never backed down.  Yes it hurt, especially not seeing my neice and nephews grow up.  But time does help to heal wounds and eventually your brother may come around.  Sadly that is out of your hands, since it is his problem, not yours.

Know that you have a community around you, one that cares, one that listens, and one that will support you.

I hope you spend some time with your friends, be with the people who care about you.  <3

Hugs,
-Sarah

[Selenakyle]

Well, it was bound to happen, but I hit my first transphobe.

Unfortunately, it's my brother.

He told me I've lost my mind, and that if I want to be a "chick with a dick" that was my business, but that if I think he is going to start calling me Ashley, then I really have flipped my lid.

SK just comforted me through a sobbing fit. I'm supposed to go out tonight to celebrate with friends and all I want to do is curl up into a ball and disappear.

He's a hateful git. He has no friends, no significant other, no job, and no life. You, on the other hand, have a ton of friends who have been supportive and loving towards you, a girlfriend who thinks you're just the best person and worships the ground you walk upon, a fulfilling career and a number of hobbies. I'm sorry you're related by blood to such an ->-bleeped-<-, but remember that ultimately, family is who we love and who loves us, not who we happen to share genetics with. And you are my family, sweetheart.

[HappyMoni]

Ashley,
I applaud your courage and join in the sadness that this response has caused. I always try to be optimistic and hope that a bad reaction can one day change. It is just so ridiculous for people to reject a family member after that person changes this one aspect of who they are. I wonder if this is an older brother. Were you close before? Is this someone who usually lacks empathy?
Monica

[DawnOday]

He's a hateful git. He has no friends, no significant other, no job, and no life. You, on the other hand, have a ton of friends who have been supportive and loving towards you, a girlfriend who thinks you're just the best person and worships the ground you walk upon, a fulfilling career and a number of hobbies. I'm sorry you're related by blood to such an ->-bleeped-<-, but remember that ultimately, family is who we love and who loves us, not who we happen to share genetics with. And you are my family, sweetheart.

Can I have your girlfriend? She sounds very special. When all things are considered, she and yourself are all you have to please. Hope your relationship stands the test of time and you celebrate 35 years together like my wife and I did.

[KathyLauren]

Ashley, I am proud of you for coming out.  It isn't easy, but you stood up for yourself and have begun your new life.

I am sorry that your mother is having a hard time with it.  I can see how she would consider it like a death in the family.  You have to convince her that there has also been a birth in the family.  She will mourn the son that she thought she had, and that is okay.  But now she has a new daughter to get to know.

That is too bad about your brother.  Maybe he will come around in time.  Maybe not.  It's his loss. 

I understand how it is, though.  I have one brother to whom I am not out yet because I fear that his reaction will be similar.  I'll have to tell him eventually.  If he disowns me, so be it.  Life is too short to play games just to keep people off our backs.  He will either accept me as I am or he will be out of my life.

You have friends who accept you, and an awesome partner who supports you.  Way to go!

[Angela Drakken]

Well, it was bound to happen, but I hit my first transphobe.

Unfortunately, it's my brother.

He told me I've lost my mind, and that if I want to be a "chick with a dick" that was my business, but that if I think he is going to start calling me Ashley, then I really have flipped my lid.

SK just comforted me through a sobbing fit. I'm supposed to go out tonight to celebrate with friends and all I want to do is curl up into a ball and disappear.

This possibility terrifies me the most. My brother is literally my best friend.. He and his wife get along so well with my girlfriend and even she is afraid of losing them. His two daughters love their 'aunt' and I very much. This would be a crippling blow to me. Y.Y

Still, we have to find out sooner or later, right? We can control literally everything else about our transitiona BUT the perception and reaction of other people.

Your folks seem like theyre genuinely going to come around. It takes a lot of time to process. Answer their questions as best you can but try not to be 'overly' descriptive. It's a very carthartic situation.

[Paige]

I don't know how I managed to go through this entire phone call without balling my eyes out. Listening to your mother cry for four hours nearly non-stop and knowing it's your fault is... I don't know, but it's a lot.

No it isn't your fault.  It's the fault of society that teaches people to think that this is wrong. 

Congrats Ashley.  I wish I had your courage.
Paige

P.S. Don't worry about your brother, he needs to grow up.

[Rachel_Christina]

Its great to here you managed to come out to everyone so soon!, my mother went through something similar to yours, but she did eventually come around and is really good now, she was never bad nor disrespectful.
Your brother is  a funny situation, quiet a typical stance for him to take, "defend his masculinity" and all that crap.
He may come round, keep your distance and hopefully he can sort out what ever bother he has in his own head!
Keep strong and you will be fine!! :3

[Mia]

When I first came out my mom was the biggest hurdle. Everyone else congratulated me, she insisted that I was having a mid-life crisis and that the therapist was working to convert me (?)...

Then came my brother. He is GAY, lived with a man in a marriage arrangement for over a decade, and he only said, "I don't get it." My mom has come around, my brother still won't speak to me after 18 months.

My true feeling is that I have found love and joy without my brother's "approval" and frankly it's his loss, not mine.

Good for you, things will work out the way they're supposed to and that's not always entirely predictable. 

[AshleyC]

I'm completely out to everyone now. Everyone at my work, including my boss, knows.

When I came out to my boss, he told me "Don't think for a second this changes anything about our relationship, or your relationship to the company. We are with you, unconditionally."

Of all the people that know now, my brother is the only person who reacted negatively. While it's a shame it had to be a relative, I'm counting this as a huge win.

Oh, and my blog has somehow been read over 4000 times! Eeeee

[Tessa James]

It sure doesn't seem to hurt to be cute and smart!  This coming out thing can have real celebrity value for a while but can also get old if folks start to think of us in one dimension only.  I still say give your brother time and distance.  It took some people years to find their cool with me.  Otherwise it's his loss really.

[Rachel_Christina]

Hereing this tempts me to talk to my boss! Though he is really awkward. I duno what he'd say.
You had such a great outcome with everything, So lucky >__<

[Dana60]

Hi Ashley, sounds very similar to my situation. My friends and work have been wonderfully supportive, and most of my family accepting at least; even my parents are ok, even if not really happy about it. But my brother has proven to be a complete transphobe and is the only person who has given me any grief at all. It is particularly disappointing because his wife and daugthers have all been absolutely wonderful and probably my biggest supporters.

I'm hoping he will come around in time, but he was so abusive about it i'm not expecting much.

Dana

[Angela Drakken]

I'm pretty sure work will be the last place on earth I'll ever be 'out.' People mess with me enough as it is still presenting 'male' there. Super cool how chill your boss was. The pretense of garaunteed safe employment is clutch.