Awkward with Partner

[QuentinE]

I just wanted to get some advice from you guys. I've been struggling with my gender identity for a long time, and although my partner is supportive, I find that he also doesn't understand very well, and I catch him saying things that hurt my feelings. Once he's even made the comment that "Well if you were a guy, you'd understand." And it hit me like a ton of bricks. I found it painful, but I couldn't bring it up to him. I'm still somewhat in the closet (close relationships know, but not publicly.)

He's trying to help out, offering to pay for my binders, encouraging masculine hair cuts, and even starting to call me handsome. (After I admitted that it made me feel good.) But today he did something that shocked me and made me feel awkward. He called me by my chosen name. For some reason it made me feel uncomfortable. Which is odd because I always imagined it would feel good. Did you experience something similar?

While I appreciate his attempts, it feels odd to have him call me by Quentin. Maybe it stems from the fact that for four years he's been calling me by another name? Then again, I've always been rather awkward and scared to talk to him about that part of me.

[Kylo]

It's weird he's supportive of your transition but thinks you can't understand men. Does he not get that those who feel male strongly often don't understand females any better than he would? I have no idea what or how women think. If my partner said that I'd ask him just what he thinks I do understand.

I mean sure, there are some experiences we don't have, but I really get tired of this attitude that we transmen are really all woman, just playing at wannabe guys. I'm pretty sure I'd fail an "act like a woman" test any day of the week.

So what the hell are we? Who knows, but it's not a woman, that much we do know. You should tell him you didn't like the insinuation or he'll make the same mistake again probably.

On the other hand it's good he's encouraging you, as long as the encouragement is genuine. Having the experience and perspective to draw from of a person who lived male all their life is still very useful.

I can't help with the name thing - I haven't heard my guy use my name old or new in practically our ten years together. We use pet nicknames instead. Or we don't need to use the names when it's just us. But I'm fairly sure he probably wouldn't use my new name anyway because he'd feel uncomfortable with it, just like he is with all aspects of transition and the topic itself. He thought my old name never suited me and I'm sure he'll think the same about the new when I get it legally signed off. Maybe you just feel it's weird because it IS a new thing to be called after 4 years, and there is something a bit odd I suppose in choosing ones own name and asking others to use it. I feel slightly self-indulgent doing it, and also vulnerable, because it leaves others who knew your old name the opportunity to refuse to use it.

[Wolf Man]

I think I can recall it being strange for me when my SO began using my chosen name. I felt uncomfortable thinking about myself with my chosen name for quite some time. It's just that it's all new and different.

I would say that you should try to sit down and talk things out with your partner. He sounds like he is putting in some good effort, but I'm sure this is still strange and new to him. If you can't be verbal due to fear, then perhaps write him a letter or use text messages/messenger app.

As obvious as things may seem or as much as we all think others should know what's going on,  it is not so. No one is a mind reader, though some people are better at predicting others' needs. Good luck and I hope the best for your partner and yourself.

[Angela Drakken]

I shrank a little when my partner started using the correct pronouns and what not at first. In my case I felt more like 'keep your voice down! Not everyone knows!' Now we just joke and carry on and nobody is the wiser. We also use nicknames predominantly over our actual names. If she calls me by name, I know I'm in deep trouble.

Also the comment about 'you dont know what .... is like!' Is a legit jerk thing to say. It probably wasnt meant to be taken literally but instead to hurt your feelings.

[AnxietyDisord3r]

New names are always awkward at first. It'll get easier. My chosen name felt weird at first even though it was my middle name but now I don't even think about it. I'm proud to say my name and so glad I don't have to use my hated assigned name at the line in Starbucks.

[AnxietyDisord3r]

It's weird he's supportive of your transition but thinks you can't understand men. Does he not get that those who feel male strongly often don't understand females any better than he would? I have no idea what or how women think. If my partner said that I'd ask him just what he thinks I do understand.

I mean sure, there are some experiences we don't have, but I really get tired of this attitude that we transmen are really all woman, just playing at wannabe guys. I'm pretty sure I'd fail an "act like a woman" test any day of the week.

Cis people literally think everyone is cis and secretly think trans people are deluded, like we don't notice our bodies are wrong or something. I think they need to be educated about dysphoria. They have trouble imagining that it's like a cis person's brain got dumped in an opposite sex body. They think we're cis with motivations they can relate to, and it's way more scifi than that.

[Elis]

Yeah being called my new name felt very awkward and embarrassing at first and took a good long while for it to feel normal. Plus simply being out as trans made me feel like this as well.

As for getting your bf to better understand you being trans maybe ask him how he'd feel if he woke up one day; looked how he always did in the mirror; but everyone he met kept referring to him as female. Then ask him if he'd find that distressing or uncomfortable. I think this is a good way to get cis people to understand a bit what it's like being trans when it is a hard concept to understand. I also saw this article recently which might also help http://genderanalysis.net/articles/that-was-dysphoria-8-signs-and-symptoms-of-indirect-gender-dysphoria/