I was born with 'ambiguous genitalia'...

[mac1]

Why does it have so difficult for us to achieve our true identity and acceptance?

[MissGendered]

Why does it have so difficult for us to achieve our true identity and acceptance?

I don't think there is an easy answer to either part of your question.

But I am comforted knowing that such existential musings are not limited to the alphabet community.

Self-awarenesss elicits such considerations.

[Inarasarah]

Missy, Thanks for sharing your story. I know it can't be easy to go through retelling everything, but I am glad you have found comfort in sharing it here.  I fully understand not having someone to talk to about my trans issues.  While I have close friends I can confide in, even those who are trans, I feel comfort in talking in an anonymous forum.  I feel I can say more than I ever could while talking one on one with a friend.  This is one reason I came back to the online forums, the sense of community and support.

Your posts have been a pleasure to read and have given me many things to think and reflect upon.  And for this I am grateful.  I often feel that I don't have much to relate to those going through transition now, because I cannot remember specifically what it felt like after surgery. Or even what it was like to me a boy.  It all feels like a dream of a past life with no details to recall.  I only know I lived there, I was happy, but I cannot picture myself as who I was.  I am not sure I can describe it, all I know is I want to tell someone about this, and not sound crazy.

Anyway, I think I have digressed too much. Missy, thank you again for your story.  It touched me and had an impact.  Much love...

-Sarah

[MissGendered]

Missy, Thanks for sharing your story. I know it can't be easy to go through retelling everything, but I am glad you have found comfort in sharing it here.

Sarah,

You are welcome, and thank you, too. I was in a very bad place emotionally when I registered here and wrote my first post. I didn't think through what would come after I hit the 'post' button very clearly, I just felt a tremendous need to form the sentences and push the feelings I was having out of my head and into the larger universe. Beyond that first post, and perhaps a few others that came shortly afterward, I have truly been surprised at the amount of comfort I have found sharing with this community. My experiences here have been almost exclusively good, though I am beginning to feel I am beginning to get a bit of blowback from some with perspectives unlike or counter to my own. I guess the law of diminishing returns is finally starting come into play, and harbingers of my departure are sounding...

I fully understand not having someone to talk to about my trans issues.  While I have close friends I can confide in, even those who are trans, I feel comfort in talking in an anonymous forum.  I feel I can say more than I ever could while talking one on one with a friend.  This is one reason I came back to the online forums, the sense of community and support.

I have been away from anything and everything trans for over 4 years, I went full-time without trans-supoport, went to Brassard without trans-support, everything. I even dated a few trans-girls without telling them my history. I did eventually tell one girl, since she became very suspicious that I knew so much about HER issues, lol. But I was pre-op then, so disclosure was inevitable if we were to become intimate. I had another trans-girlfriend that I was virtually living with for 6 months after my surgery that I never disclosed to, and it was very validating for me to have vaginal sex with a trans-girl that remained clueless that my history was so similar to her own.

One of my prime directives in life is to never disclose anything to anybody, I have found that disclosure never helps me in any way, except to invalidate me as a genuine woman in the eyes and minds of others, in some fashion, and I did not go through all this pain, and effort, and expense to be seen as less than I am.

Your posts have been a pleasure to read and have given me many things to think and reflect upon.  And for this I am grateful. 

Thank you, I am happy that you have enjoyed my input, and even happier my input has been thought-provoking..

I often feel that I don't have much to relate to those going through transition now, because I cannot remember specifically what it felt like after surgery. Or even what it was like to me a boy.  It all feels like a dream of a past life with no details to recall.  I only know I lived there, I was happy, but I cannot picture myself as who I was.  I am not sure I can describe it, all I know is I want to tell someone about this, and not sound crazy.

I feel very similar things. But having only been restored to full awareness for less than two months, after being floridly dissociative for so many years, I am kinda remembering my de-transition journey 'out loud' here for my own benefit as well as to share with those still in the thick of it. But, yes, my internal narrative has been completely over-written by my current reality, and it is so vague, the past, unless I am very specifically digging into pockets of past memory, I could easily imagine that none of that ever really happened. One of my sisters told me the other day that she can't remember a time when I wasn't a girl, either, and that she doesn't miss the old me at all, and that she loves having me as I am in her life very much. We have become very close, closer than ever.

Anyway, I think I have digressed too much. Missy, thank you again for your story.  It touched me and had an impact.  Much love...

-Sarah

Thanks, again, Sarah. Knowing I have had even a tiny positive impact here makes me very glad I stayed as long as I have. But I do feel I have perhaps overstayed my welcome, and I don't know how much longer it will serve me, nor anybody else, either. But I do know that I have had many, many wonderful new insights into myself and other gender-variant lives since arriving, and when I go, I will leave a better, and more fully realized human being.

Many thanks, to all that have enriched me here!

Missy

[mac1]

Missy - Don't Go!

[MissGendered]

Soo, I got an email from my friend-with-benefits, ex-bf, this morning. Seems he felt compelled to tell me his now pursuing another woman, and that he hopes I am okay..

Yeah. I'm just dandy. Feeling super passive-aggressive, but hey, otherwise, sure, I'm great...

We had a TON in common, got along great, had super conversations, we communicated very well, but...

But, I told him my history, and now, he is gone, again...

I really am going to be okay. Just not yet...

I also got an email this morning, from a cis woman I used to date, the one that is a trans-phobe. She is putting out feelers to see if I might want to try again with her. She says she 'enjoyed me', lol..

I can do better than either of these two. I must do better than either of these two. I need to move on, leave the past behind, and keep my heart safe, my mind open, and see beyond my own self-doubt and insecurity and loneliness...

I'll be okay.

Sure.

Time for a good, long cry first...

:-(

[Tessa James]

OMG, soo sorry, way too harsh and painful.  Wish there was an appropriate salve, balm or offering one could make to help.

Knowing you, only through these pages, convinces me that you are right on...you can and will do better than that.  You are wonderfully thoughtful, creative and expressive and you will rise above that noise.  Your love deserves to be answered with love as great.

Passing the Kleenex box your way...

[Jacqueline]

Yup a good cry can be great.

You can be better than those two.  As my youngest daughters says, "No discounts"(as in doubting or putting oneself down).

Sleep can be pretty great if you can spare the time and drift off as well. Then wake to the you that is clear and positive and moving forward.

Now, I just need to take my own advice

With warmth,

Joanna

[MissGendered]

You are wonderfully thoughtful, creative and expressive and you will rise above that noise.  Your love deserves to be answered with love as great.

Passing the Kleenex box your way...

Thank you, Tessa!!

I had my cry, and sobbed it out, wallowed in it for a moment, just enough to feel the anguish, so as to be sure I remember how such things feel..

Then I ran a hot bubble bath, lit some scented candle, put some sweet sax music on, compliments of Sonny Rollins, and soaked away the tension. Then I shaved my legs, switched on the whirlpool jets, and stretched my back and legs and arms. I feel much better now!

Next, after a moment on my back on my bed, I'm gonna put a chicken on the rotisserie in the countertop convection oven my sisters bought me for Christmas...

I see the rain has turned to snow here, and everything is now covered in what looks like a sugar frosting! What a wonderfully appropriate turn of events..

Thank you for the compliments. 

Missy

[MissGendered]

You can be better than those two.  As my youngest daughters says, "No discounts"(as in doubting or putting oneself down).

Thank you, Joanna!

These two are left-overs from when I was in pieces, floridly dissociating, and using dating sites to find lovers..

They are the last of that bad news, and good riddance, from now on, I am only going for full retail, no cutting corners to fill the voids in my life. You daughters are wise beyond their years!

:-) Missy

[MissGendered]

Sooo, today, today, today...

Not the best day ever...

I've been thinking a LOT about my upcoming visit to my endo/gyno/trans/intersex specialist. In the past I had told him I was over and done with being tested and examined and re-diagnosed and generally seen as anything other than a woman...

But, now I am thinking differently. And those thoughts are undermining 5 years of transitional efforts. Why? Because I am almost positive that the unexplained portion of my anatomical 'differences' are due to Norethisterone exposure in utero. I have already been diagnosed with DES exposure, but the degree of differentiation in my exterior sex organs was not consistent with just DES, and there is more. DES does not typically impact neurological development, not to the degree that my brain seems to have been altered. I thought the male-ish characteristics were due to my male upbringing, or the influence of my 'male' alter personalities. But, I am over 5 years post-transition, and my personalities have all integrated and unified, basically I am 'cured' of my multiple personality disorder. And yet, though my body is genetically female, and my appearance and social skills reflect that of a cis woman, somehow, in some ways, I now sometimes feel like I am a little bit of a man in a woman's body. Yes, I know I am a woman, and my gender identity is female, but when I am thinking certain things, using certain portions of my brain, I know that I am in 'male' territory. Up until recently, I thought I could explain this phenomenon away as relics and remnants of my past programming, or whatever, but what I am beginning to feel, against all my efforts to reject such a notion, is that my basic wiring, not the grey and white matter tissues, that is all female, but the actual conduits of consciousness, those wires, some of them, they 'feel' and 'perform' in a typically male fashion, like right now. This post is being written from such a place, a place of succinct analytical clarity. And I hate that, I don't want such clarity, nor do I welcome such analysis. I just want to be a woman thinking as a woman thinks. Period!!

Yes, I go back and forth, and the overall effect looks like gender-fluidity. But it isn't about gender. It is about neurological reality. How does one 'transition' away from a mixed-gender brain?

Is it any wonder that I can attract straight males from a distance, yet somehow, no matter how sincere the attraction, something about me just 'seems' off. Sometimes they begin to suspect I am trans, other times, they eventually say I am too masculine, but they cannot say for sure 'how' I am masculine. It is something they perceive, but cannot define. My presentation is feminine, and female, and so on. But, somehow, things never work out..

Damn.

Sooo, yeah. I need to engage my doctor's expertise fully. I need to know what is real and what is not, what is perception, and what is belief.

I need to know the absolute truth about my physiology.

Nothing less will suffice.

Did I mention I was having a bad day?

Yeah. I am.

[Jacqueline]

Missy,

That sucks.

So sorry for how you feel right now. I remember hearing that much a person's personality is cemented in by the time they are X(somewhere between 4 and 7, I don't remember). Is it possible that that alone would be enough? It has been 5 years you say but what fraction of your life is that?

Not trying to grasp at straws... I hope your visit with the doctor is helpful for you.

With warmth,

Joanna

[MissGendered]

Missy,

That sucks.

So sorry for how you feel right now. I remember hearing that much a person's personality is cemented in by the time they are X(somewhere between 4 and 7, I don't remember). Is it possible that that alone would be enough? It has been 5 years you say but what fraction of your life is that?

Not trying to grasp at straws... I hope your visit with the doctor is helpful for you.

With warmth,

Joanna

Joanna,

By the time I was 7, I had 10 alters, all female. Soo, I am not sure how or if traditional psychological concepts about child personality/developmental theories apply, or whether they only apply to 'singlets', sooo, I dunno. Seems to me that since all my young personalities were girls, this shouldn't be an issue now. But this issue is consistent with having a masculinized brain structure due to in utero progestin exposure...

Yes, my 5 years of HRT and female re-socialization are only a fraction of my life experience, but this phenomenon doesn't seem to be sociological in nature. It seems to be deeper than behavior and culture. It seems to be neurological. Thus, my worry that no matter how much HRT I have, no matter how 'perfect' my female life, no matter ow deeply stealth I live successfully, there will always be this reality lurking beneath my skull, popping into my experience as context dictates and circumstances warrant...

I need to know if this is a permanent structural reality, lest I find myself hating that which I am, rather than that which I do..

Missy

[MissGendered]

Weird, I haven't felt like 'boy brain' has been working at all today, yay!!!

Maybe I am still sorta meshing the different personalities and wires and stuff together, since I've only been 'whole' for two months, fingers crossed! :-)

Missy

[TigerLilyNYC]

Thanks for sharing your story MissGender. I am happy to see the outpouring of support here and also extend the same. Wishing you love and peace. Keep hanging in there. The world needs you!

[MissGendered]

Thanks for sharing your story MissGender. I am happy to see the outpouring of support here and also extend the same. Wishing you love and peace. Keep hanging in there. The world needs you!

((HUGS))

Thank you, hun!!

[Jacqueline]

Weird, I haven't felt like 'boy brain' has been working at all today, yay!!!

Maybe I am still sorta meshing the different personalities and wires and stuff together, since I've only been 'whole' for two months, fingers crossed! :-)

Missy

Yay!! indeed. Slow but steady ?

With warmth,

Joanna

[Denni]

Missy, When one lives a life in one gender even though misaligned for the length of time that you have, and for that matter most of us older generation have, it is inevitable that there will be times when we seem to revert back to that time in our life. I relate to it as being similar to muscle memory, our brain has memories of our past and they will  continue to be there with us. You obviously have a tremendous amount of inner strength to have been able to survive the amount of abuse and personal struggles that have been a part of your life until now. That strength shows through with your original posting and response to others, and have been a inspiration to others, myself included. Continue to share your journey, your thoughts are most appreciated. Take care and hugs

[MissGendered]

Yay!! indeed. Slow but steady ?

With warmth,

Joanna

Hi Joanna!

I haven't seen you around lately, I hope all is well in your world! Thank you for your steady support and continued kindnesses. The welcome and acceptance you have extended to me is a big part of why I keep coming back. I do, of course, frequently have moments of self-criticism and insecurity while I am here. I do still feel like a bit of a duck in the henhouse, but this time, thankfully, I am not being pecked to death by the resident chickens, lol. It has been very good for me to be able to listen and learn, as well as to throw my own thoughts out there and see just what I am thinking without filtering, and to have feedback from others that have similar life experiences. While I am likely to always have deep down feelings of being different from anybody and everybody else on this here spinning planet, whether cis, trans, intersex, gay, bi, or straight, there are aspects of myself I see echoed here more than anywhere out in cis-dom. I have truly enjoyed and benefitted from this experience, even when it has pushed my envelope, and expanded my need for personal growth. Thank you!

Much, much love, and appreciation!

Missy

[MissGendered]

Missy, When one lives a life in one gender even though misaligned for the length of time that you have, and for that matter most of us older generation have, it is inevitable that there will be times when we seem to revert back to that time in our life. I relate to it as being similar to muscle memory, our brain has memories of our past and they will  continue to be there with us. You obviously have a tremendous amount of inner strength to have been able to survive the amount of abuse and personal struggles that have been a part of your life until now. That strength shows through with your original posting and response to others, and have been a inspiration to others, myself included. Continue to share your journey, your thoughts are most appreciated. Take care and hugs

Hi Denni!

I am hoping that what you describe is in fact what I am going through at this point. I will seek better understanding of my physical differences though, because I think I am at a place emotionally where I can handle a bit more information as I go forward. For many years, I wasn't wanting to think about cells and neurons and genetics, I just wanted a purse that matched all my stuff and was big enough to hold my daily necessities, lol. Those were the days, ha!

I really do hope that by sharing my journey I am helping somebody else, somewhere, that faces similar challenges. I can't ever be sure if what I say is more likely to offend than inspire, since so much of my path is binary-driven and  specific to my need to undo that which was done to me. I have a very deep need to not feel different, while so many here are rightly celebrating their difference, and find disclosure to be so very empowering. For me, it is the opposite, disclosure robs me of my peace, and puts me into the 'other' category, again, and against my will, and counter to my emotional and psychological wellbeing.

But I am also trying to recognize the importance of sharing this part of my path with the many transitioners that have similar goals. I am not the only girl that wants or needs to be seen as just another woman, with no 'otherness' in play. For them, I really do hope I can shine a light forward. Stealth is not as hard as one might imagine, but it takes time to cultivate and achieve. It gets easier over time, just like most aspects of transition, and life in general..

Thank you for taking the time to drop in and say hello, and to be so nice to me. Messages like yours warm my heart, and sooth my fears, I do very much appreciate that!

Missy