So I saw HER today...

[FTMDiaries]

I don't blame you for that urge to run her over. You know that'd make the whole situation a lot worse for you, but I fully understand the temptation & and I'm glad you resisted it.

I was also abused growing up, and I'd always planned to someday sue the *illegitimate child* who did that to me. But once I grew up I got busy building my own life: establishing my career, buying a house, getting married, having kids... all that jazz. All of that distracted me from the very important business of taking him to court and letting everyone know exactly what kind of monster he really was.

But a couple of years ago I got in touch with his daughter on Facebook, and she revealed that he'd passed away the previous year.

I had such mixed feelings. I was obviously relieved that I'd never again have to look over my shoulder fearing his presence. But on the other hand, I was utterly devastated. Not because he'd kicked the bucket - but because it meant the SOB had managed to get away with it and I'd never be able to make him pay for what he did. He went to his grave knowing that everyone around him thought he was a great guy. It's kinda like the Jimmy Savile case (if you don't know who that is, don't Google him; it's very triggering).

The worst bit was that his daughter and our mutual childhood friends were singing his praises all over Facebook, saying how much fun he was. Each and every one of those messages stung like you wouldn't (or probably would!) believe. I had to see all of that knowing that there wasn't much I could say to his daughter... but I did message our mutual friends and told them I was deeply hurt to see the guy who abused me for so many years described in such glowing terms. I told them what he'd done to me, so even if he never saw his 'reputation' being tarnished in life, at least everyone has had to think twice about him now. And yes, his daughter did know about the abuse but because he never did it to her she'd just ignored it.

So his passing meant that I didn't get closure and now I'll never be able to do so. So what can I do? The only thing I can do is to draw a line under my past experiences & try to move forward. Yes, I keep getting triggered. Yes, I still have panic attacks when someone does similar things to me. Yes, it sticks in my craw that he got away with it. But as the Bard said, 'What is done is done, and it cannot be undone'.

I really, truly wish I'd hadn't let life get in the way & that I'd prosecuted him whilst I could. If this is something that's important to you, I'd urge you to do it as soon as you can. I don't doubt it's a painful process, but closure is so good for the soul and I deeply regret not getting mine.

I still fear a good defense lawyer can somehow make it my fault because of whats between my legs..)

I doubt that'd be easy for them to achieve, particularly if you were younger than her at the time. Especially if you were pre-pubescent and she was in her teens. Female predators do exist and the courts are getting better at prosecuting them. Plus, think of this: if she's popping out kids & was able to do horrible things to you, what is she doing to those kids? Even if you couldn't get help you needed at the time, could your speaking out now help them instead?

[Angela Drakken]

I doubt that'd be easy for them to achieve, particularly if you were younger than her at the time. Especially if you were pre-pubescent and she was in her teens. Female predators do exist and the courts are getting better at prosecuting them. Plus, think of this: if she's popping out kids & was able to do horrible things to you, what is she doing to those kids? Even if you couldn't get help you needed at the time, could your speaking out now help them instead?

I was 6 when it started. She was 11 or 12 and it continued until I was 11. I guess when she got to highschool and became a cool teenager ahe got tired of her childhood toys and discarded them. She would even go so far as tell me I'd get beaten up constantly in highschool (likely by her new 'boyfriends'), if I lived that long, because I have and 'attitude problem.' Gee I wonder why, lady!

Honestly part of me hopes her children feel what Ive felt. (Even if not by her own hand.) As a parent she may finaly understand how what shes done to someone elses child can be so wrong.

This probably makes me a heartless bitch.

[Paige]

I was 6 when it started. She was 11 or 12 and it continued until I was 11. I guess when she got to highschool and became a cool teenager ahe got tired of her childhood toys and discarded them. She would even go so far as tell me I'd get beaten up constantly in highschool (likely by her new 'boyfriends'), if I lived that long, because I have and 'attitude problem.' Gee I wonder why, lady!

Honestly part of me hopes her children feel what Ive felt. (Even if not by her own hand.) As a parent she may finaly understand how what shes done to someone elses child can be so wrong.

This probably makes me a heartless bitch.

No it doesn't make you a heartless bitch.  It just demonstrates how hurt you are from this.  I would worry if this lady has kids.  I don't think people like this can just turn off this sort of abusive behavior.  I wonder if there are others that she has also abused.   Perhaps it wasn't her growing out of it, perhaps you got too old for her tastes and she found somebody younger.

I would also doubt if she would care that much about her own children.  Seems to me that she lacks any empathy.  She's probably a narcissist.  I also wonder if she was abused as a child.   

From what you said, it sounds like she was 16 or 17 when she stopped abusing you.  I'm not sure what the courts would do considering she was basically a minor too.

I definitely think you need to discuss this with your therapist.

Take care of yourself.
Paige

[FTMDiaries]

I was 6 when it started. She was 11 or 12 and it continued until I was 11.

I'm so sorry. But that does go in your favour, legally speaking. There isn't a defense lawyer in the Western world who'd be able to successfully argue that a 6-year-old could be responsible for what happened, no matter what was between your legs! The age of criminal responsibility in Canada is (I believe) 12... so you were under that age the entire time, and she was over that age for most if not all of it! She doesn't have a leg to stand on.

As Paige said, it does sound like she committed her crimes as a minor if she stopped harming you when she was about 17. You could probably still have her prosecuted for everything she did from the age of 12 and upwards, but her punishment might be lighter due to her age at the time. Still, why not look in your local area for criminal lawyers who do a free first consultation and ask them what they think?

This probably makes me a heartless bitch.

There's only one heartless bitch in this story, and she's the one who doesn't even realise she narrowly avoided being run over recently.

[Angela Drakken]

There's only one heartless bitch in this story, and she's the one who doesn't even realise she narrowly avoided being run over recently.

Thats one way of looking at it, thanks. Yeah, I think I'll have to discuss it with somebody soon.. Another time I saw her on a train many years ago and missed a job interview because I just couldn't be on the same train.. [emoji24]