Feeling down

[ghostbees]

I feel so low because of my living situation. I'm wondering whether it's all worth it, maybe I'm too mentally ill for people to respect and like me. I don't feel safe at all even the things i like seem less enjoyable.


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[DawnOday]

What makes you feel like you are mentally ill. What we suffer is not a mental illness. It has been described that way by those that do not know. It is a medical condition of which, due to a lack of research, is believed to be mental because it interferes with someone else's dogma. We as a community have not done a good job of explaining ourselves and instead of acceptance we are looking to pass. This takes the responsibility to expand knowledge amongst the community at large seem like a useless chore because passing for one takes precedence over acceptance for all.
What you can do to help yourself?  Get an education. This is a priority as it makes you competitive. Find a local support group. Even if you have to drive a ways. Support group contain people just like you. I found this out myself as I brought my prejudices to my first meeting and was pleasantly surprised that of the 35 or so people in the room none of my prejudices were apparent. They were all people with gender identity problems just like me. Whether transmen or transwoman. I had expected some over the top personalities, it did not materialize. I was immediately put at ease and hanging with these people seemed so normal. I gained a room full of new friends. It was weird that the transman sitting next to me liked the same traits I detested living as a male. Somehow it all seemed to fit.  Of course this is all predicated that you live in a city with the facilities available. I wish I could help with the living situation, as I have been pretty lucky all my life and own my home. Also my family loves me. The biggest adjustment is from my kids calling me Dudeman most their lives. I thought I would disappoint them when I came out to them, but I raised them so I should have known better.  I do hope you find your way.

Dawn

[Elis]

Been there and only recently decided to move out of my dad's house. You can never be 'too mentally ill' for people to like you and you're never as 'weird' as mentally/physically abusive or unaccepting people think you are. You're simply a person born with a genuine medical condition; there's nothing wrong with that. Also you sound like you may have depression (one of the symptoms being not finding things you usually like enjoyable anymore) which is extremely common; doesn't make you 'mental' and is simply caused by your brain not producing enough serotonin in your brain. Maybe try going out for a walk; just 20 mins will make you feel a little bit better and accomplished. Also try finding a trans group as Dawn said even if it's far away. Maybe also contact Stonewall to ask about housing options and look into hostels. I'm currently staying at the YMCA and was surprised you don't have to actually be made homeless to get a room; just have a bad living situation. You could also try Tumblr; I find that a great trans resourse; plus on lots of blogs you can ask bloggers for advice.

And definitely worth it. Even when there's a lot of one step forward; two back moments and moments when you just want to curl in a ball and die. Time goes by so quickly and the present is only a very small percent of the rest of your life. You won't be stuck forever.

[ghostbees]

Been there and only recently decided to move out of my dad's house. You can never be 'too mentally ill' for people to like you and you're never as 'weird' as mentally/physically abusive or unaccepting people think you are. You're simply a person born with a genuine medical condition; there's nothing wrong with that. Also you sound like you may have depression (one of the symptoms being not finding things you usually like enjoyable anymore) which is extremely common; doesn't make you 'mental' and is simply caused by your brain not producing enough serotonin in your brain. Maybe try going out for a walk; just 20 mins will make you feel a little bit better and accomplished. Also try finding a trans group as Dawn said even if it's far away. Maybe also contact Stonewall to ask about housing options and look into hostels. I'm currently staying at the YMCA and was surprised you don't have to actually be made homeless to get a room; just have a bad living situation. You could also try Tumblr; I find that a great trans resourse; plus on lots of blogs you can ask bloggers for advice.

And definitely worth it. Even when there's a lot of one step forward; two back moments and moments when you just want to curl in a ball and die. Time goes by so quickly and the present is only a very small percent of the rest of your life. You won't be stuck forever.

Than you, Ellis I really needed this message today. I think I will contact stonewall and see if I can get housing options, I might speak to my social worker and tell her what's happening regarding the stalking.
It's hard when it's the company you live in - like the carehome staff and a resident. I hope I can get out of this toxic environment and into a place where they can actually support me.
I feel a little better today after taking a nice nap [emoji42]


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[ghostbees]

What makes you feel like you are mentally ill. What we suffer is not a mental illness. It has been described that way by those that do not know. It is a medical condition of which, due to a lack of research, is believed to be mental because it interferes with someone else's dogma. We as a community have not done a good job of explaining ourselves and instead of acceptance we are looking to pass. This takes the responsibility to expand knowledge amongst the community at large seem like a useless chore because passing for one takes precedence over acceptance for all.
What you can do to help yourself?  Get an education. This is a priority as it makes you competitive. Find a local support group. Even if you have to drive a ways. Support group contain people just like you. I found this out myself as I brought my prejudices to my first meeting and was pleasantly surprised that of the 35 or so people in the room none of my prejudices were apparent. They were all people with gender identity problems just like me. Whether transmen or transwoman. I had expected some over the top personalities, it did not materialize. I was immediately put at ease and hanging with these people seemed so normal. I gained a room full of new friends. It was weird that the transman sitting next to me liked the same traits I detested living as a male. Somehow it all seemed to fit.  Of course this is all predicated that you live in a city with the facilities available. I wish I could help with the living situation, as I have been pretty lucky all my life and own my home. Also my family loves me. The biggest adjustment is from my kids calling me Dudeman most their lives. I thought I would disappoint them when I came out to them, but I raised them so I should have known better.  I do hope you find your way.

Dawn

Thank you, Dawn.
I think a support group would work wonders for me and beside posting on this site, I could really use gaining some irl trans friends!
Drawing and talking to online friends really help too.


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[SpeakYourMind]

I feel so low because of my living situation. I'm wondering whether it's all worth it, maybe I'm too mentally ill for people to respect and like me. I don't feel safe at all even the things i like seem less enjoyable.


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You'll get that a lot in life sorta like people who don't understand because you have a disorder and will toss you aside because it's to complex for them to want to handle. Iv'e gotten this my entire life but i wouldn't say that means you're too mentally ill i'd say the people who are not respecting you just because you're down need to stop and look at themselves and think about when they where last down needing support or help on whatever their problems where.
You're not the first human to be down so people shouldn't treat it as such, stick around people who care and wish to help no matter how long the struggle is because in the end them people will be the ones you hang out with the most.

The things you like probably seem less enjoyable because you're depressed which i'm sure you know this but's good you do because you're aware. A good step would be going to a place like a party or a friends house that helps you feel otherwise even if you're at that time not up to the challenge. Because it'll help weather or not we may see it in these times of our lives is irreverent. And then if you haven't already while waiting i'd suggest finding a good consular who'll understand and have open ears. Although it may take time to accomplish it can be done and things will improve. 

[Kylo]

I don't think it's mental illness, it's the fact that respect and like is not always something forthcoming from family - "familiarity breeds contempt" sometimes - and outside of that circle it's something that usually is earned rather than just given. Even when you've earned it, people will often just forget all about that and be jerkwads. Feeling depressed often expresses to others in some way and makes then avoidant as well.

[ghostbees]

I don't think it's mental illness, it's the fact that respect and like is not always something forthcoming from family - "familiarity breeds contempt" sometimes - and outside of that circle it's something that usually is earned rather than just given. Even when you've earned it, people will often just forget all about that and be jerkwads. Feeling depressed often expresses to others in some way and makes then avoidant as well.

Oh I see
I think it's the situation as well, the more I spend in this toxic home the more down I feel.
The trust is gone and they don't respect me or my identity.
They act 'nice' but then continue to do abusive things.
It has gotten so bad that sometimes I hallucinate their voices.


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[Kylo]

Sometimes happiness is as simple as having some legit space to yourself. There's a reason so many people will pay through the nose for other accommodations... if you live with insufferable individuals, getting out of there can save your sanity.

[ghostbees]

Sometimes happiness is as simple as having some legit space to yourself. There's a reason so many people will pay through the nose for other accommodations... if you live with insufferable individuals, getting out of there can save your sanity.

Yeah I'm calling my social worker tomorrow and going to get out of the house for a bit


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[ghostbees]

Updates
I called social worker and got voicemail I should be having an appointment on 25th


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[Elis]

Updates
I called social worker and got voicemail I should be having an appointment on 25th


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Good to hear . Keep us updated.

[ghostbees]

Since giving up smoking (forth day) my mental illness has been worse without my crux,,,
I hate the voices so much and I hate how they keep getting repeated [emoji19][emoji19][emoji21]


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[Elis]

Since giving up smoking (forth day) my mental illness has been worse without my crux,,,
I hate the voices so much and I hate how they keep getting repeated [emoji19][emoji19][emoji21]


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Sorry man . But 4 days without smoking is amazing progress. You could try finding a healthier addiction to replace it with. E cigarettes or finding a hobby which relaxes you and is able to clear your mind.

[ghostbees]

Sorry man . But 4 days without smoking is amazing progress. You could try finding a healthier addiction to replace it with. E cigarettes or finding a hobby which relaxes you and is able to clear your mind.

Ah thanks.
I figure the mental health can be chalked up to environment and smoking ffff
Speaking of hobbies, I've been drawing a lot lately and I might also start going to the gym again


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[ghostbees]

So I saw my social worker today and.. it didn't go too well. She seems to think I'm prejudiced against staff and thinks that I'm just paranoid. I definitely did hear people say it, though! it's a struggle, I don't trust them anymore and honestly, it's messing with my head. I just want to crawl in a hole and die.

[Miharu Barbie]

Hi Ghostbees,

So you're feeling unheard and unsupported?  That is such a tough environment in which to regain one's balance and sense of well being.  Drawing is good, great in fact.  What if you were able to escape your unhappy environment by putting on some headphones and allowing yourself to get lost in drawing something that makes you feel skillful and creative?  What if you could do that for 15 to 30 minutes a couple times a day?  I know it doesn't sound like much in terms of relief, but just the same as the unhappy stuff, the good stuff will build upon itself like a snowball, gaining in power and energy when practiced repeatedly over many days and weeks.  It's just like Elis says, a harmful addiction/habit is easier to break when replaced by a more beneficial habit.  If dwelling on the worst aspects of your current life situation is bringing you down and getting bigger and harder to manage, try taking mini mental vacations a few times a day to do something supportive of good mental health (like drawing.)  Wouldn't it be awesome if 15 to 30 minutes of drawing done deliberately 2 or 3 times a day could calm the voices and/or make your living situation feel just a little less awful.

Hang in there, dude!  Feel the love that is flooding from this forum right into your heart and soul.

Miharu

[Asche]

So I saw my social worker today and.. it didn't go too well. She seems to think I'm prejudiced against staff and thinks that I'm just paranoid. I definitely did hear people say it, though! it's a struggle, I don't trust them anymore and honestly, it's messing with my head. I just want to crawl in a hole and die.

(Sigh)

It sounds like your social worker is of the old school that when a person, especially a young person or someone from a marginalized group, shows "inappropriate" behavior, it's all because of a defect in them and they should just stop being that way.  But typically it's because they've been living in an environment where that behavior is appropriate.  (E.g., black people in the USA aren't paranoid to think that people, esp. white people, are out to get them -- there's plenty of evidence that they are.)

It sounds like you've been (and grown up in?) a toxic home environment, and maybe other places are toxic as well.  You're not wrong to think they're out to get you.  And it's no surprise that you would be hyper-alert for toxic behavior elsewhere.

I don't know if you have the opportunity to find a different social worker.  You really need someone who is really there for you.  Unfortunately, so many people in the mental health professions are more interested in telling you what's wrong with you and telling you to fix yourself (and finding excuses as to why their patients don't get better.)  I'm amazed at how many really don't want to relate to their patients.

BTW, your screen name reminds me of a phrase over at CaptainAwkward.com -- "house of evil bees" (or just "evil bees.")  It refers to a situation that is far more toxic or dangerous than it seems on the surface.  Like a horror movie about a house where inexplicable horrible things happen.  It sounds like where you're living.

[ghostbees]

Hi Ghostbees,

So you're feeling unheard and unsupported?  That is such a tough environment in which to regain one's balance and sense of well being.  Drawing is good, great in fact.  What if you were able to escape your unhappy environment by putting on some headphones and allowing yourself to get lost in drawing something that makes you feel skillful and creative?  What if you could do that for 15 to 30 minutes a couple times a day?  I know it doesn't sound like much in terms of relief, but just the same as the unhappy stuff, the good stuff will build upon itself like a snowball, gaining in power and energy when practiced repeatedly over many days and weeks.  It's just like Elis says, a harmful addiction/habit is easier to break when replaced by a more beneficial habit.  If dwelling on the worst aspects of your current life situation is bringing you down and getting bigger and harder to manage, try taking mini mental vacations a few times a day to do something supportive of good mental health (like drawing.)  Wouldn't it be awesome if 15 to 30 minutes of drawing done deliberately 2 or 3 times a day could calm the voices and/or make your living situation feel just a little less awful.

Hang in there, dude!  Feel the love that is flooding from this forum right into your heart and soul.

Miharu

I've sad here re-reading this response over and over. Nothing I can say will do it justice to how thankful I feel.
This forum truly is great, especially with such kind and courteous responses. It makes me happy, very happy indeed.

The drawing thing sounds good. i like it a lot, I want to draw more skyfall fanart. Just knowing that one day I will get better motivates me. And I've got my books. (Far too many in fact ) so keeping occupied would be a good move.
Plus, might get my nails done
Baths are great too.

[Elis]

Sorry I didn't reply sooner . It's good to hear you're still trying to be positive and finding positive distractions. As for painting your nails I hope that goes better than my two failed attempts  .

So is there anyway to get a different social worker? Maybe write a letter or phone her office and explain the situation. If you keep pestering them it might work; even as a minor you're well within your right to not have to work with someone who's prejudiced.

Sending you positive vibes