Bicurious but dysphoric

[AnxietyDisord3r]

Hoping some post transition FTMs are out there who are bi and can advise. I think I might be bisexual but when I seriously consider trying to date guys I get days of horrible bottom dysphoria. I've always thought I could be with a guy but only as a guy. Part of me wants to be bi because I was exclusively homosexual before and heterosexuality confounds me. I'm also more lordosis than thrusting if you know what I mean and that would kind of disadvantage me for conventional heterosexual relations. Anyway, I got really turned on hanging out with a male friend, mostly because he correctly gendered me (it's the little things) and it got me thinking because it's not the first time I had the hots for a male friend. (To be fair, I've also had totally platonic things for male friends that never turned sexual.) It's not qualitatively different from the times I've had the hots for female friends. Thinking about being with anyone makes me kind of dysphoric these days but, yeah, we're talking 4-5 days of severe dysphoria after thinking about guys. Is there a rainbow at the end of this tunnel? Want to know if anyone can relate to this experience.

[Kylo]

I'm bi. I think I know what you mean, but if the guy himself was completely understanding about your situation and about what you prefer would that help? It might be that you have heavy expectations of men and masculinity in general that need not apply, given the right person.

[SadieBlake]

Obv I can't help with ftm perspective, I can say that through a year of physical transition my orientation has turned completely sideways. There've been aha! moments and weeks and months of crippling dysphoria. I commenced on hrt praying my libido wouldn't crash and recognized that when it initially did just that, that my sanity is more important than my sex life.

The only thing I think I can say with confidence today would be that I'm convinced the path is right.

Second hand, my closest ftm friend really blossomed as a gay man after a former life as lesbian identified. He happened to be a bottom for oral and last I knew had no plans for bottom surgery. It wasn't easy but he sure landed well after a couple of years of pretty severe gyrations.

[AnxietyDisord3r]

In my fantasies the guy is always understanding (ha ha) but it's me who needs to be more accepting, I just have a lot of bottom dysphoria and I freak out over what's missing down there. I think the idea of being with a guy makes it more acute although the thought of being with anyone right now makes me feel pretty dysphoric. Like Sadie said, HRT made everything go sideways. I had a way of coping with the female form but since HRT my dysphoria has gotten better on some points and worse on others.

[FTMDiaries]

There *is* a rainbow at the end of this experience. Or at least, there can be.

I'm exclusively into guys, but after I started transitioning it took me four years to pluck up the courage to sleep with anyone because I felt somehow 'less than' them and was painfully self-conscious about the fact that I don't have the usual equipment. It was much easier trying to attract guys in female form, because I never had to explain away my equipment and let's face it, there's not exactly a shortage of guys who are willing to sleep with beautiful women.

But since transitioning? Not everyone is accepting, but to be honest I haven't had a lot of problems really. I tend to be wary of bi guys in particular because of their existing attraction to women: nothing makes me more uncomfortable than being treated like a woman and bi guys tend to know how to do that, so I'm cautious about approaching them. That being said, the most recent guy I slept with is bi and he was wonderful.

I always disclose before any clothes are removed. Most guys are already so interested in me by the time we get to that point that they're happy to continue, so a good time can be had by all. But if they don't react positively, that's fine: we've both dodged a bullet & we go our separate ways.

To help myself overcome my insecurities about my equipment, I try to turn my equipment into a USP. My masculinity is obvious when you meet me (nobody ever guesses I'm trans) and I prefer to bottom, so instead of focusing on what I'm lacking I actively promote the fact that I have a clean, self-lubricating fun zone that I'm happy to use. Most gay guys have only tried the salesman's entrance and as that requires a lot of maintenance, it can be great fun to try something different that doesn't smell bad & doesn't require loads of preparation. But of course, it's entirely possible to bottom in all the ways that any other (cis) guy can do too.

TL;DR: most guys are horndogs, and if they're turned on enough by you when you're fully clothed, they're usually happy to go all the way & they don't really care what you're packing as long as they have a good time.

[somewhat]

I'm bi as well, although 100% top. I have some heavy bottom dysphoria as well. From my scarce experience I would say that men in general are much more casual than women when it comes to sex, so I doubt it would be a big deal to set up some rules and let it be done your way. If you don't want to have sex that involves your genitals, there are plenty of other ways. You could cover them up if that makes you more comfortable, maybe wear a jockstrap if you want to bottom. Just don't do things you don't want to do.

[AnxietyDisord3r]

Yeah, covering up makes some sense. It's the dysphoria that's killing me more than my fear of how others will react, although being treated like a girl is a massive turnoff for me, no doubt.

[lc100]

Not transitioned yet at all but I'm bi and relate a lot. I have pretty severe issues with this in general, and could talk about it all day. I don't think it's abnormal that it makes you dysphoric.

By "exclusively homosexual", did you consider yourself gay because you liked women and are AFAB? I'm assuming that because you are questioning liking men now, and said that would possibly make you bi. Sorry, I'm a bit confused and how other trans people identify can be a confusing and interesting topic.

[AnxietyDisord3r]

I wasn't capable of acting on or even thinking about being attracted to men because of my dysphoria. So my behavior, thoughts, etc, were exclusively homosexual. Now that I'm into my transition I'm finding that I can tentatively accept that I'm attracted to men. It's tough though because it can still trigger my dysphoria. So I was bi before but not in a way that practically mattered due to the dysphoria.

[lc100]

I wasn't capable of acting on or even thinking about being attracted to men because of my dysphoria. So my behavior, thoughts, etc, were exclusively homosexual. Now that I'm into my transition I'm finding that I can tentatively accept that I'm attracted to men. It's tough though because it can still trigger my dysphoria. So I was bi before but not in a way that practically mattered due to the dysphoria.

Late reply but I understand now. Wow, I never met someone who felt similarly. I haven't transitioned but growing up, I would on/off deny my attraction to men for dysphoria reasons (and some other ones). It triggers my dysphoria a lot still, but at least now I can accept I'm attracted to them. I felt really douchey for it. Cool to see someone else who is in a similar looking boat.

[Kylo]

Makes sense, I refused to have anything to do with relationships or sex till I was 22, even then I didn't really want to until I was about 26.

The problem is that me and my body would have been involved.

I wish I'd never got over it. Now it's going to be so much fun dealing with the trans issue and possibly being attracted to people I know I'll never have a chance with. I'd rather feel nothing for them.