Lack of curiosity from close family members ... what does it mean?

[JessicaSondelli]

So I came out to my mom about six months ago and she says she's fully supportive of my transition. Now, the strange thing to me is that she neither asked me any kind of questions about me being transgender even though I told her many times that she can ask me anything she wants nor has she ever asked for an updated picture of me. We live a few thousand miles or an Atlantic ocean apart from each-other and I might visit her this spring but I fear she will be up for a big surprise/shock.

Has anybody experienced a similar behavior with their immediate family and if yes what was the final outcome?


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[HappyMoni]

Jessica,
   Sorry I don't have the final outcome to report. I have seen much the same with my family. They live far away and have stated "support." I get no questions or comments either. I have sent some pictures with the idea of prepping them for what they will see when they see me. I have gotten a few "looking good but too busy to write right now" comments. Maybe it is me, but I would ask a question or two or comment a bit if it were my relative. It is just weird. It made me not want to do it any more. I asked a relative for advise about whether they thought it was being received okay. I got, "You worry too much!" So, like you, I am left with no clues as to what to do. I would tend to think you might break the ice by sending a picture. I like the idea of avoiding the shock of first exposure. Then again I am a gradualist taking everything a step at a time to allow for adjustment time for those I love.
Moni

[JessicaSondelli]

Jessica,
   Sorry I don't have the final outcome to report. I have seen much the same with my family. They live far away and have stated "support." I get no questions or comments either. I have sent some pictures with the idea of prepping them for what they will see when they see me. I have gotten a few "looking good but too busy to write right now" comments. Maybe it is me, but I would ask a question or two or comment a bit if it were my relative. It is just weird. It made me not want to do it any more. I asked a relative for advise about whether they thought it was being received okay. I got, "You worry too much!" So, like you, I am left with no clues as to what to do. I would tend to think you might break the ice by sending a picture. I like the idea of avoiding the shock of first exposure. Then again I am a gradualist taking everything a step at a time to allow for adjustment time for those I love.
Moni

Hi Moni,

I totally agree with you! If a close family member would come out as either Trans, gay or whatever and tell me that I can ask any questions I want, I'm sure I would.

I only send pictures to people who ask for them, I don't want to push them...

I think I changed a lot since she last saw me more than a year ago so I even gave a few hints to make her asking me for a picture which she totally ignored. I think she's really scared about seeing those changes but would never admit it.


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[MissGendered]

I had similar reactions. Or non-reactions, actually, and though I have had very nice interactions with female cousins and nieces since I moved back to the area where they all live, the reality is that for the most part they don't really care about any details at all. Once we all met up a few times reunion-stlye, that was that.

I have come to realize, that with the exception of my sisters, most of my relatives are too wrapped up in whatever it is that they are doing to care about me much at all. It's not that they have no questions about my changes, they just don't have questions for me at all, regardless.

I could live next door to most of them, and they wouldn't ever come over. Male, female, whatever...

Missy

[HappyMoni]

You ladies see the irony her? This tremendous news that will rock everyone's world when one comes out is suddenly something no one cares enough about to ask or comment about. I wish they would make up their minds. If we only knew we would be ignored, we wouldn't be so nervous about coming out or transitioning.

Jessica, I think you are right about the fear. I think it is much like how people deal with people how have special needs. They are afraid of their own reaction.

Missy, sounds like with some of those relatives, you are better off without them.

Moni

[MissGendered]

Missy, sounds like with some of those relatives, you are better off without them.

Moni

Lol, well, my male relatives are mostly useless, or worse, so yeah, I am better off without them in my life.

The women are all wonderful, really, but they all have kids and some even have grandkids, and health concerns, jobs, husbands, church, friends, all kinds of things that I do not, so I notice their absence in my life, but they are used to me not playing any role in theirs. To be fair, my sisters have very little interactions with our extended family, either. We all come from very dysfunctional families, so we didn't develop the close-knit extended family structures that many healthy families do enjoy. We women have all learned to hide our painful histories away and pretend that everything is okay.

[KathyLauren]

My brother is the same way.  Very supportive, and I am sure the support is genuine, but no curiosity.  Of course we have never been particularly close anyway.

I wonder if it is a kind of hyper-sensitivity. They know that most of the attention we receive is unwanted (harassment, discrimination, etc.) so they deliberately turn down their reaction to avoid being one of the bad guys.  Or they guess that we will have new emotional "hot buttons" and they want to avoid accidentally hitting one of them.  Or they don't want to seem prying about what they recognize is something intensely personal, so they opt to let us take the lead in any discussions.

I know that, if I have been quietly living my cis life and one of my brothers had come out as trans, that is how I would have reacted.  I would have stated my support, then stifled my curiosity and let them share whatever information they felt comfortable sharing.

So, don't assume that a lack of demonstrated curiosity indicates a lack of interest.  Tell them whatever you wish them to know.

[Kylo]

I had the same from most people, only my mother asked a lot of probing questions while remaining skeptical it's all a lot of attention seeking. But then she's a drunk so who knows which version of her is talking.

I don't think it means much of anything. If one of my friends or family came out to me in the past (before I did any research) I probably wouldn't have asked them questions either. My cousin is also FTM and I haven't spoken to them about it, nor have they talked to me about me even though they must be aware. I thought I'd have this reason to speak to people about it but it seems there isn't.

[ChiGirl]

There could be lots of reasons. Maybe they don't know what to ask or don't want to offend you.  Maybe they're still struggling with it. Maybe it's just no big deal for them. And maybe they're trying to ignore it. Hopefully it's not the last.

I've had some family ask me lots of questions and I've had others who don't, but I don't question their support.  Or at least acceptance. Good luck and hugs! 


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[HappyMoni]

I am much more comfortable with people who ask questions. I know where I stand then. I mean  how can you not have questions? It isn't logical. If they don't ask them, there can be a few reasons for this. Not fond of any of those.
Moni

[MissGendered]

If they don't ask them there an be a few reasons for this. Not fond of any of those.
Moni

The issue with your assumption is that the reasons you are imagining come solely from your own imagination, hun. There is no objective way to assess somebody's unknown thoughts, logical or otherwise.

Give yourself the benefit of the doubt. In the end, all that truly matters is how we see ourselves, anyway, right?

*HUG*

Missy

[HappyMoni]

Give yourself the benefit of the doubt. In the end, all that truly matters is how we see ourselves, anyway, right?

*HUG*

Missy

Theoretically that is what we all say. In practicality, everyone is affected by others, cares about others. When it comes to family I want to know where I stand. I open not intimidating at all. There is no reason for them not to say what is on their  mind.
Hugs
Moni

[MissGendered]

There is no reason for them not to say what is on their  mind.
Hugs
Moni

Your statement assumes that there is actually something on their minds, or that they are clear enough about what is on their mind to feel comfortable enough to share it.

Again, sweetie, we have no control over the thoughts of others, nor any way to compel them to share their thoughts, if they happen to have any.

All I am trying to say is, that perhaps it is we who do all the over-thinking, and therefore we might be projecting our own needs for clarity and discussion onto those that feel no such needs.

Just' sayin', but what do I know? I barely know myself, so there ya go, lol..

:-) Missy

[HappyMoni]

All I have to go on is how I would react to a trans relative who is open to talking. I would at a minimum give a supportive statement and ask a few questions. You are right, we the "changing characters " in this scenario don't call the shots as to how people react. I guess I am just commenting on how weird it is to get silence.
I  am proud that I have taught more than one person at my work that a trans person could be one of their group and turn out to stay just a regular person in the middle of a transition. "You aren't going on RuPaul's Drag Race?" I honestly don't know what some expected. lol
Moni

[staciM]

I'm also going through this right now with family that lives on the other side of the country,  but it hasn't been very long since "the talk".  After their initial shock, some concerns but ultimately words of support things went silent.  I would have expected some additional questions after giving them time to process but I guess they have their own lives to live and mine isn't really on their mind.  Another thought is that I provided them lots of information during the talk and also forwarded them some papers and articles...perhaps I did such a good job initially that there are no questions . Lots of possibilities brought up in this thread....I bet a combination of all of them is the truth.

[Janes Groove]

My personal experience when people pretend not to be curious about something this different and unique it means they are uncomfortable about it and want to continue on with past patterns of denial.  They are curious! If the Jerry Springer show taught us anything about cisgender people it is certainly that.  I used to play along with that but I don't play that game anymore.  Friends and family are interested in friend's and family's lives.  I talk about myself. What's happening. What I'm feeling. Who I am. If they can't handle it, that usually means they are not ready to really accept me.  It's pretty common, I think. It's like 'I accept you but I don't want to know the details.  My details are ok. Yours? Not so much.'

[LShipley]

When I've asked about it I got a line about them just being too self absorbed 

From what I saw in a casual search for family dealing with trans coming out though is that you don't ask what isn't offered.

There is the whole tmi thing too... how much do they really need to know and how much is it just you trying to find someone to share with?

After self reflection I realized a lot of what I wish was asked or talked about is really better off with the therapist.

[HappyMoni]

My personal experience when people pretend not to be curious about something this different and unique it means they are uncomfortable about it and want to continue on with past patterns of denial.  They are curious! If the Jerry Springer show taught us anything about cisgender people it is certainly that.  I used to play along with that but I don't play that game anymore.  Friends and family are interested in friend's and family's lives.  I talk about myself. What's happening. What I'm feeling. Who I am. If they can't handle it, that usually means they are not ready to really accept me.  It's pretty common, I think. It's like 'I accept you but I don't want to know the details.  My details are ok. Yours? Not so much.'

I think there is a lot of truth here. You undergo a change like transitioning, there has got to be an adjustment made in close relationships. That means conversation. If the transitioning person wants no give and take, that is one thing. If someone is open to talking and are met with silence that means uneasiness in my book. Anyone who is quiet with me after my rather personal, in depth explanation of what I am doing is going to be someone I will be cautious with. I don't know about anyone else, but I hate  the idea of being blindsided by someone being negative. If they are not okay with me, be honest, then, have a nice life.
Moni

[JessicaSondelli]

My personal experience when people pretend not to be curious about something this different and unique it means they are uncomfortable about it and want to continue on with past patterns of denial.

That is exactly what I'm thinking, too. Saying that someone is supportive is an easy thing to do. Showing support is a whole different game. The only question she asked at the time I came out to her on the phone was: "So do you wanna be a woman now?" My answer was: "No, I've always been one. I just want to live my life as the person I really am and not as someone who everybody expects me to be...."

Being trans is actually really simple... if only society wouldn't make such a big deal out of it.

[Angela Drakken]

Being trans is actually really simple... if only society wouldn't make such a big deal out of it.

I try not to make a big deal out of it either, tbh lol

I actually would prefer not to be bombarded with very personal questions and to have this taken as a simple fact rather than a universe shattering piece of information that I'd be imparting upon 'innocent' people. lol
If people want to ask me, great, I'd prefer they didn't. I don't take it as a sign people don't care, I take it for what it is, just silent acceptance for things as they are. Start worrying when they stop answering your phone calls/emails.