What Gender?

[Berliegh]

Do I look female? .......I don't really know but I saw a lady today I haven't seen for about 7 years and she didn't notice any difference in me from before. She didn't ask if I had a 'sex change' or anything like that or even suspected anthing, and I think the reason was because I am so close to how I lwas before. I've always looked androgenous and I've always been the way I am now. I was a musician and so it came with the teritory and so people do not suspect anything, which can be very anoying.

It must be a lot easier for someone who looked male and acted male and had short hair and wore a suit and then make a drastic change in image.  With me, no one notices anything at all. I can flash my new earings to people I haven't seen for years and there's no startled reaction. Just 'oh yea they look nice'.......

My tits haven't grown enough to be visable enough (been on hormones since 1998) so I'm starting to think it's all a bit of waste of time. I have got a boob job lined up and it might help but I am depressed by people's reactions.

People I have never met before see me only as female but previous people I know or knew before call me 'mate' or refer to me as 'he'.....

Anyone else get this kind of thing?

[Sarah Louise]

Judging by your picture, either she is blind or you always looked somewhat feminine and she didn't want to take a chance of offending you.

Just my thoughts.


Sarah L.

[Kate]

It must be a lot easier for someone who looked male...

Good point. I always had short hair and looked like the usual guy. And oh yes, it's totally obvious to people who haven't seen me for a long time that I've transitioned... if they even recognize me. I look very, VERY different.

The only SIR I've had from someone I've known was from a waitress who knew me as a guy (regular customer). She wasn't being mean, nor was it a reflection of my appearance... she just assumed for some naive reason that I was still the "guy" she knew looking like a woman now. Though, to be fair, she probably thought it presumptuous to just start referring to me as "her," regardless of how I looked. She knew I looked female, but didn't know WHY. But she changed her mind before long, and spent the rest of our dinner talking "girltalk" with me to make up for it, everything being "she" and "her" now

~Kate~

[Enigma]

The boobs, or lack there of, might have something to do with it.  If you were androgenous to begin with and there's been no drastic visible changes, it might just not be all that apparent.

Obvious is the dockworker turned vegas showgirl.

[Berliegh]

Judging by your picture, either she is blind or you always looked somewhat feminine and she didn't want to take a chance of offending you.

Just my thoughts.


Sarah L.

No, she's quite observant. The problem is I haven't changed enough and I always looked feminine. I think she fancied feminine guys and it looks like she still sees me the same. Guys in the music business do look feminine (try going to an Aerosmith concert and see some of the audience) and so the bounderies are not pushed enough in my case..




Posted on: November 09, 2007, 03:08:20 PM

The boobs, or lack there of, might have something to do with it.  If you were androgenous to begin with and there's been no drastic visible changes, it might just not be all that apparent.

Obvious is the dockworker turned vegas showgirl.

I think you are closer with your point Enigma. Hormones haven't changed anything on me and so people who knew me before see me as before. The boob job might be a turning point in gaining some kind of female shape and make her notice..

[Nero]

Judging by your picture, either she is blind or you always looked somewhat feminine and she didn't want to take a chance of offending you.

Just my thoughts.


Sarah L.

No, she's quite observant. The problem is I haven't changed enough and I always looked feminine. I think she fancied feminine guys and it looks like she still sees me the same. Guys in the music business do look feminine (try going to an Aerosmith concert and see some of the audience) and so the bounderies are not pushed enough in my case..




Posted on: November 09, 2007, 03:08:20 PM

The boobs, or lack there of, might have something to do with it.  If you were androgenous to begin with and there's been no drastic visible changes, it might just not be all that apparent.

Obvious is the dockworker turned vegas showgirl.

I think you are closer with your point Enigma. Hormones haven't changed anything on me and so people who knew me before see me as before. The boob job might be a turning point in gaining some kind of female shape and make her notice..

Your shape IS female. Every woman isn't a Marilyn Monroe clone.

[cindybc]

Hi Berliegh.
I see the photo you have here as very feminine. You know there is always some ass hole that's going to piss on you parade and call you by the dreaded, he, him, etc but it has only happened to me twice in all 7 years I have lived as Cindy in the small town of Midland Ont. I have never heard anyone address me as anything else except by ma'am, or miss, here in Vancouver. No one knows who I am here. Anyway I dealt with it by politely correcting them when someone addressed me in the wrong gender, which as I said only happened twice in seven years.

I was accosted by a drunk once who was trying to steel my purse, he tried to hit me in the face with his fist but luckily his fist kept sliding off to the side, to drunk to hit right. Luckily all I got out of it was a black eye.  I managed to pull it away and whacked him on the side of the head, that bought me enough time to get in the car and lock it. I have not had any other mishaps with anyone, female or male since then.

I believe you just need to have a better self image of yourself, be proud of who you are and don't expect approval from the rest of the world.

Cindy   

[Berliegh]

Hi Berliegh.
I see the photo you have here as very feminine. You know there is always some ass hole that's going to piss on you parade and call you by the dreaded, he, him, etc but it has only happened to me twice in all 7 years I have lived as Cindy in the small town of Midland Ont. I have never heard anyone address me as anything else except by ma'am, or miss, here in Vancouver. No one knows who I am here. Anyway I dealt with it by politely correcting them when someone addressed me in the wrong gender, which as I said only happened twice in seven years.

I was accosted by a drunk once who was trying to steel my purse, he tried to hit me in the face with his fist but luckily his fist kept sliding off to the side, to drunk to hit right. Luckily all I got out of it was a black eye.  I managed to pull it away and whacked him on the side of the head, that bought me enough time to get in the car and lock it. I have not had any other mishaps with anyone, female or male since then.

I believe you just need to have a better self image of yourself, be proud of who you are and don't expect approval from the rest of the world.

Cindy   

The point I was trying to make Cindy was that people who knew me before see little change if any at all. I haven't really changed and have remained looking the same since I was about 13. So if people see me who I knew before they don't see any drastic change. It would have been easier if I was a stereo type male and then changed over but this hasn't been the case with me.

Complete strangers or people I have only known recently do see me as female which can sometimes confuse the peope I know in the past if the two people meet...

[cindybc]

Hi Berliegh

In that case, maybe it's time you moved on. I moved from place to place in most of the eastern parts of Canada and US before I found a place I thought I could make root's. But here I am once again moved from one side of the continent to the other. Maybe I needed all the moving about to learn who I am and how to fit in and also how I can be of assistance to anyone in need. If there is anyway you can do it maybe you might want to check out Vancouver where I am now. People are friendly and health insurance covers SRS.

Cindy 

[Berliegh]

Hi Berliegh

In that case, maybe it's time you moved on. I moved from place to place in most of the eastern parts of Canada and US before I found a place I thought I could make root's. But here I am once again moved from one side of the continent to the other. Maybe I needed all the moving about to learn who I am and how to fit in and also how I can be of assistance to anyone in need. If there is anyway you can do it maybe you might want to check out Vancouver where I am now. People are friendly and health insurance covers SRS.

Cindy 

I agree with you Cindy, but I still have to deal with leaving relatives and people connected with my relatives. I can't not see my mum or sister again or move so far away that I can only see her every few years.  I don't really want to cut myself off from my family. Also I like a lot of old aquantances even if they don't suspect any changes and they are my friends and it's not their fault they can't see what I'm trying to do. I did live a very androgenous lifestyle before and they still see me as a guy who for years looked like a girl rather than a guy who is trying to 'be' a girl......

[cindybc]

Hi Berliegh
Ok what you say I can understand. I was Quite androgynous for a good many years, actually I looked more like a girl and a lot of people thought I was a girl when during my teen years. I never really tried to correct anyone when they addressed me as the other gender. I never Identified as neither anyway. I had even let my hair grow down to waist long. But in later years I was quite androgynous. I am quite happy with how I look now especially for a 62 year old.
Of course if you still have family left that still care and accept you it would make it very difficult to leave. I had nobody or anything holding me back, family all turned their back on me. I have my loving Wing Walker and she is worth more to me then her weight in gold.

Early transition 5 years ago, just overcoming anorexia



This pic was last winter. I have newer ones I am getting developed.

[Berliegh]

Hi Berliegh
Ok what you say I can understand. I was Quite androgynous for a good many years, actually I looked more like a girl and a lot of people thought I was a girl when during my teen years. I never really tried to correct anyone when they addressed me as the other gender. I never Identified as neither anyway. I had even let my hair grow down to waist long. But in later years I was quite androgynous. I am quite happy with how I look now especially for a 62 year old.
Of course if you still have family left that still care and accept you it would make it very difficult to leave. I had nobody or anything holding me back, family all turned their back on me. I have my loving Wing Walker and she is worth more to me then her weight in gold.

Early transition 5 years ago, just overcoming anorexia



This pic was last winter. I have newer ones I am getting developed.

I only had my hair cut short once  in 1983......never again...

[Nigella]

[/quote]

I don't really want to cut myself off from my family. Also I like a lot of old acquaintances even if they don't suspect any changes and they are my friends and it's not their fault they can't see what I'm trying to do.


[/quote]

Berliegh hi,

Tell your old friends and family you have Gender Dysphoria (may be you will have to explain what that is) and you are now living as a female and want to be known as such from now on.

may be you have done that with old friends, if you have forget what I said it was just a thought.

Hope all goes well on the 3rd Dec.

Nigella.

[Kate]

Tell your old friends and family you have Gender Dysphoria (may be you will have to explain what that is) and you are now living as a female and want to be known as such from now on.

Right! Exactly. Is your female name legal? Do they call you by a female name... yet still not get it?

~Kate~

[Berliegh]

Tell your old friends and family you have Gender Dysphoria (may be you will have to explain what that is) and you are now living as a female and want to be known as such from now on.

Right! Exactly. Is your female name legal? Do they call you by a female name... yet still not get it?

~Kate~

Yes, of course it is legal. I changed my name details over in 2003.  (drving licence, passport, National insurance, council tax, bank accounts etc) and I did tell people about my gender dyphoria quite a few years ago now....about 2000 I think....

But what you tell people doesn't make any difference, they will act the same towards you and as I have always looked about the same, it's harder for them to except. Only my sister has made the effort and calls me by my legal female name. I can wear anything but it doesn't cut any ice as people have been used to me being quite feminine over the years. When I told people that I was TS  I just got the 'not surprised' replies..

One friend suggested I go on Hormones.....I had to tell them I'd been on hormones for years.....but it's not very apparent. They might take notice after the boob job, FFS and possibly some lipo to the waist to gain some kind of feminine shape, then they might realise I want more than to just look female..

[tinkerbell]

Do I look female? .......I don't really know but I saw a lady today I haven't seen for about 7 years and she didn't notice any difference in me from before. She didn't ask if I had a 'sex change' or anything like that or even suspected anthing, and I think the reason was because I am so close to how I lwas before. I've always looked androgenous and I've always been the way I am now. I was a musician and so it came with the teritory and so people do not suspect anything, which can be very anoying.

It must be a lot easier for someone who looked male and acted male and had short hair and wore a suit and then make a drastic change in image.  With me, no one notices anything at all. I can flash my new earings to people I haven't seen for years and there's no startled reaction. Just 'oh yea they look nice'.......

My tits haven't grown enough to be visable enough (been on hormones since 1998) so I'm starting to think it's all a bit of waste of time. I have got a boob job lined up and it might help but I am depressed by people's reactions.

People I have never met before see me only as female but previous people I know or knew before call me 'mate' or refer to me as 'he'.....

Anyone else get this kind of thing?

IMO that's just totally unacceptable and rather rude, Berliegh.  If I were you, I would stop being friends with people that know me from before (no one needs that kind of drama).  But again, that's just me!

tink

[Kate]

IMO that's just totally unacceptable and rather rude, Berliegh.  If I were you, I would stop being friends with people that know me from before (no one needs that kind of drama).  But again, that's just me!

Agreed. If they know you have a female name now, and know you ARE female in identity... yet still refer to you using the male name and pronouns... then they're being obnoxious, not unobservant.

My friends and coworkers began calling me Kate and "her" shortly after I came out to them, because THEY felt it appropriate once they knew about me, not because my appearance had changed. Once they understood how I felt, they knew male references would hurt me, so they made every effort to make that adjustment (although "slips" of course happened).

Do your friends understand how important this is to you? Is it possible that even knowing your female name and identity, they just think it's "playing around" and don't take it seriously? Have you told them that male references HURT you? Have you specifically told them that you're a female, and would appreciate them making an effort to respect that?

IMHO, your appearance shouldn't matter to your friends. I get that a change in appearance can make it easier to prompt people to make the switch in name and pronouns. But STILL, I think friends should make that effort regardless, just because they *care* about you.

~Kate~

[Berliegh]

My friends and coworkers began calling me Kate and "her" shortly after I came out to them, because THEY felt it appropriate once they knew about me, not because my appearance had changed. Once they understood how I felt, they knew male references would hurt me, so they made every effort to make that adjustment (although "slips" of course happened).

Do your friends understand how important this is to you? Is it possible that even knowing your female name and identity, they just think it's "playing around" and don't take it seriously? Have you told them that male references HURT you? Have you specifically told them that you're a female, and would appreciate them making an effort to respect that?

IMHO, your appearance shouldn't matter to your friends. I get that a change in appearance can make it easier to prompt people to make the switch in name and pronouns. But STILL, I think friends should make that effort regardless, just because they *care* about you.

~Kate~

That's really nice that they repect you.

I have shown my friends several of my IS test results which says I'm female. It doesn't cut any ice and they refer to me as 'he' all the time. It cuts me like a knife and is hurtful, my mum does it too and says she'll call me what ever she likes..

My appearance hasn't changed, so they see the same person and identify me as 'he' all the time even if strangers identify me as female..

[louise000]

Hi Kim,
Over the time I've been a member here I have read many of your posts and I get the message regarding how disappointed you are with the non-effects of your hormone treatment. I know you don't see it this way, but I think you are lucky that you've always been female looking. As you have said before, photos don't always give a true impression, but (and I'm sure I may have told you this before) I would pay any money if I could look just like you the way you are right now.

You don't want to hear my life story I'm sure, but believe me I'm fighting against years of being a male doing a hard physical job and I detest my appearance, so in some small way I understand what you are going through. I try to console myself by telling myself everything will be great when I'm on hormones, but I know in my heart I may experience the same disappointment as you.

Although my heart loves it when people on here tell me of all the wonderful effects that hrt will have on me, my head tells me that the advice you've given me in the past, i.e. don't expect too much, is probably right.

I hope that the breast augmentation surgery will help you get the confidence you need.

Best wishes and good luck,
Louise

[cindybc]

Hi Kate, Louise, Berleigh.

Wow, this a good example of friends coming together to help one another.
First Kate, on the job and the people around town have never given me a problem with the use of the proper pronoun, except for maybe a few slips in the beginning whom I promptly corrected. Maybe I was lucky but I never had any problems that way.

And Louise you are quite right I would give anything for may face to look like Berleigh. I have been lucky to be on a disability pension for the past 20 years so that I could not any longer do physical work so I went on to learn to be a Social Worker which I think was probably the most fulfilling job I ever had.

Cindy