I'm really scared of not passing

[chicken2356]

I'll be 27 in 3 months. Haven't started hormones yet. I know the younger you are the better the results will be. What kind of changes can I expect at 27? And how do I get over this fear?

I know being transgender is more than just passing...but, to me, if I don't pass, I won't really feel like a girl. Just some dude pretending.

I guess it's a good thing my psychiatrist assigned me to a gender identity counselor.

Oh, and nice to meet the lot of you. I am new.

[Inarasarah]

I was 34 when I started transition, I had those fears of not passing, being over 6' tall.  But after years on HRT and FFS, I never had a problem passing.  Even before FFS, the small changes as a result of being on HRT had enough impact that I could pass in general situations, not all the time, but most of the time.  FFS helped me pass the rest of the time.

Keep in mind that transition is a process and it takes time.  Don't expect changes overnight, Patience is the key, and the results are totally worth it.  27 is not that old, you have many wonderful years ahead once you start the journey

-Sarah

[Jacqueline]

Hi chic,

Welcome to the site.

Fear is something we all have to deal with in our own ways. Mostly one copes by getting used to it. Breathing is always good.

Sarah posted some really good info. Everyone's bodies behaves differently. I started HRT at 51. When fully presenting,(I'm not out at work yet) I think I am close to passing. However, it does take time and practice.

Hang in there and try not to get too own on yourself.

I also want to share some links with you. They are mostly welcome information and the rules that govern the site. If you have not had a chance to look through them, please take a moment to:

Things that you should read

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
• Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
  
• Reputation rules
  
• News posting & quoting guidelines
  
• Photo, avatars, and signature images policy
  

Once again, welcome to Susan's. Look around, ask questions and join in.

With warmth,

Joanna

[StillAnonymous]

I started when I was 26 and I'm 27 now.  I'm still not open about this to the public, but strangers and people I meet immediately identify me as female.

I hear and have read that everyone reacts to the treatment differently, but I don't think your age will be much of a factor.

[chicken2356]

Thanks for the responses. They have helped a little.

Edit: StillAnonymous, would you share a photo of yourself just so I can see how HRT has affected you? You started at my age, so I am curious. It's totally fine if you don't feel comfortable in doing so.

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. While passing is somewhat important, being comfortable with yourself is far more important. That will come after you have spend sufficient time in public learning that most people really don't care how well you pass. In any case, why settle for one picture when we have a bunch of them.

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,106815.0.html
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,144104.0.html
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,168444.0.html
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,210798.0.html

[Georgette]

I was 26 in 1977 when I had SRS.

I always felt self confidence was the key to passing.  I always felt that I was plain looking.  But recently showed my past photos, and people will say I looked cute or gorgeous, so I take that with a grain of salt.

I was 5-11 and around 160 lbs, so wasn't too bad.  Back then 5-11 made me a tall-ish woman.

[StillAnonymous]

That is me in the avatar.  That picture was a few months into HRT, but now it has been more than a year.  I will private message you an updated picture, which I literally just took now for you.

[Sophia Sage]

I'll be 27 in 3 months. Haven't started hormones yet. I know the younger you are the better the results will be. What kind of changes can I expect at 27? And how do I get over this fear?

I know being transgender is more than just passing...but, to me, if I don't pass, I won't really feel like a girl. Just some dude pretending.

Being trans and passing are not quite the same.  Being trans, at least for me, is about experiencing a disconnect between one's interior identity and the gendering you receive, from self and others.  Passing can greatly alleviate that disconnect, but as Dena points out, you have to have the grace and mercy to "pass yourself to yourself" as well. That said, I was in the same boat as you -- I really needed consistent reliable female gendering to feel completely authentic, and almost two decades later I'm always gendered female; as far as I'm concerned, I'm really not trans anymore. 

I transitioned in my early 30s, and for me HRT was not a significant contributor to my passing.  More significant was facial hair removal (300 hours of electrolysis), voice retraining (about six months to "find" it, and another six months to lock it in), and facial surgery -- which I consider the "real" sex reassignment surgery, though of course bottom surgery and BAS were necessary for me to pass in bed.  HRT comes in a distant 6th on that list -- it helped more for psychological well being than anything else, as well as shutting down any further physiological damage by testosterone. 

Finally, I found that keeping my narrative closed -- practicing non-disclosure, and living among people who don't know my medical history, what is typically referred to as "stealth" -- was also essential for passing over the long haul.  This took a good couple of years to fully develop.

So, I had to do a whole heckuva lot to get over my fear.  I addressed my fear by doing everything in my power to elicit female gendering from all quarters, and I succeeded.  I don't know what I would have done if I hadn't succeeded, but at the very least I had to try, and not just try, but I had to give it everything I had. And I'm so glad I did.

[Rambler]

I'm in a similar situation myself. I finally made the decision to transition about 2 months ago as I was just turning 26. I'm not on HRT yet either but hope to be by summertime. Being able to pass before I come out, especially before going full-time, is extremely important to me and has been since I came to terms with being transgender. As some of the other ladies have said, patience is definitely the key and I definitely have my moments where I feel like I could pull it off, and others where I think the cause is entirely hopeless. So far, what has helped me the most has been taking steps toward transition.

How often do you dress/present femme right now? It doesn't necessarily have to be out & about, either. As I came closer to admitting this to myself, I started experimenting more and more with clothing, makeup, & a wig at home. I very quickly went to wearing exclusively women's clothing when I would get home from work or during the weekends. Once you put yourself together, even if it's just a preliminary version, it can really help with confidence. In an afternoon I went from thinking passing would be impossible to being awestruck at the gorgeous woman looking back at me in the mirror! Even after that, it was still hard to see myself as passable until I saw the look in my wife's eye the first time she saw me presenting as 'Libbey.' I couldn't believe how validated I felt the first time I saw my therapist presentin, either. She walked right past me in the lobby, smiled & nodded at me, then we t right up to one of her colleagues and asked if a time slot had been double booked because her 7:00 appointment wasn't there yet and there were only two clients in the lobby and neither was hers. Then, she did a double take and realized it was me with a stupid grin on my face, staring back at her as she realized she had not only gendered me completely female, but hadn't even recognized me at all!

For me, the hardest part of the last 2 months was the waiting. I spent weeks in December just letting myself process my decisions and realizations even though I already had made up my mind to transition. I felt totally stuck during that time and it's gotten much better since taking steps in the right direction. In the last month the alone, I've continued building a wardrobe, started voice lessons, signed up for laser hair removal, and spoke to my GP  to start getting my bearings on the medical side, as well as got on Finasteride for my hair. Even though HRT isn't happening yet, there's a ton you can do to start working towards your transition and passing.

I hope this helps!

[chicken2356]

Wow, thanks everyone. I'm beginning to feel hopeful.  

@StillAnonymous - Thank you for the pictures. You look really pretty and you have a great body. lol (Would have said all this in a reply to your PM but for some reason I can't find the reply button.)

[Dena]

At the moment you are 12 posts shy of the reply button appearing. It's explained in the links that Joanna provided you with early in this thread.

[JoanneB]

Back in my early 20's I had 2 utter fail transition "Experiments". No way. No How did I pass. Just as I expected being 6ft tall, big boned, deeper then average guy voice.

Fast forward a few decades and in my early 50's, I have no idea how well I pass or not. When I see someone make that somewhat too long of a glance, especially guys, I think they are thinking to themselves, "Not bad for an old lady". I'm still almost 6ft tall, still big boned, no surgeries (aside a spleenectomy). So what changed? Attitude.

When I once again dared to walk out into the light of day as the real me I felt nothing other then the Joy of being me. I reveled in the warm glow of finally feeling like the real me in the real world.

Decades ago I know I had to of exuded those "Some Guy in A Dress" feelings that filled almost my every thought. It took a fair ammount of work to shed some to most of the Shame & Guilt about being trans. Add to that a ton of internalized transphobia.

I like to say I "Transitioned" though I still live and present primarily as male. I transitioned, or changed, from denying who I really was to fully accepting it. I changed a lot of how I thought and felt about myself and how those negative feelings were ruining me, my loved ones, and my life.  I am still the same me in pants or in a skirt

[Nina_Ottawa]

I think the hardest thing about transitioning or passing is perception.
If you look at others who've transitioned, try not to compare yourself to them. You have to create your own identity.
Wisest advice I ever got was that who you see in the mirror is not what others see. When we look in the mirror, we can't help but see ourselves as our former self. We find faults which lowers confidence.
My first year living full time I was caught up looking in the mirror, feeling unhappy, yet, I never experience a negative experience in public. To date, I've still never had a negative experience, yet I still don't get what others see. People smile all the time at me, compliment me on something; I say thank you, yet I think negative thoughts.
You need to believe what others see.

[Sophia Sage]

My first year living full time I was caught up looking in the mirror, feeling unhappy, yet, I never experience a negative experience in public. To date, I've still never had a negative experience, yet I still don't get what others see. People smile all the time at me, compliment me on something; I say thank you, yet I think negative thoughts.

You need to believe what others see.

Yes, you need to believe what others see... if you're getting gendered correctly.