Sometimes my wife has a good point...

[Denise]

Let me restate the subject of this:

My wife always has a good point.

I came out to my sister Oct 2015 (that seems like such along time ago in writing) and since then the number of people who I have told is increasing at a logarithmic pace.  I believe people who we've told have kept it to themselves or Significant Other.  And typically I do the same spiel.  BUT last week I did something different.  I went to a dinner party with 10 people who had no idea I was transitioning and I showed up as Denise.

Here's what we discovered - I was lucky everyone was outwardly accepting.  BUT what if someone was uncomfortable or negative or violent or... anything else but positive.

1) it would have ruined the night for everyone
2) it could have gotten ugly
3) people could have been embarrassed
4) That person/people could have left the party in a huff thus being rude to the host and the rest of the guests

So this is what we (my wife and I) have discussed and agreed upon (not forcibly, but I really agree) We will tell anyone ahead of time before Denise shows up at a gathering of friends.  This will give people the opportunity to discuss it, learn why I'm transitioning and hopefully convince them that it doesn't concern them it's all about me.

That way they can make the decision to show up the next time (or not) and possibly make an ass of themselves.  If they decide to "unfriend" me and/or the group then that's their right/privilege.  At that time their spots will be exposed for all to see.

[HappyMoni]

Denise,
It is not always possible to let everyone know, but I am not personally in favor of surprising anyone. I don't think it respects them. If you want their respect, respect them. Telling them is an expression of trust. Just my opinion.
Moni

[LizK]

Let me restate the subject of this:

My wife always has a good point.

I came out to my sister Oct 2015 (that seems like such along time ago in writing) and since then the number of people who I have told is increasing at a logarithmic pace.  I believe people who we've told have kept it to themselves or Significant Other.  And typically I do the same spiel.  BUT last week I did something different.  I went to a dinner party with 10 people who had no idea I was transitioning and I showed up as Denise.

Here's what we discovered - I was lucky everyone was outwardly accepting.  BUT what if someone was uncomfortable or negative or violent or... anything else but positive.

1) it would have ruined the night for everyone
2) it could have gotten ugly
3) people could have been embarrassed
4) That person/people could have left the party in a huff thus being rude to the host and the rest of the guests

So this is what we (my wife and I) have discussed and agreed upon (not forcibly, but I really agree) We will tell anyone ahead of time before Denise shows up at a gathering of friends.  This will give people the opportunity to discuss it, learn why I'm transitioning and hopefully convince them that it doesn't concern them it's all about me.

That way they can make the decision to show up the next time (or not) and possibly make an ass of themselves.  If they decide to "unfriend" me and/or the group then that's their right/privilege.  At that time their spots will be exposed for all to see.

First instinct is to say...no, no, you should never do that...but then, here is the flipside of that argument. When I let some people know that I would be in Liz mode, when we saw each other for our Skype Call at Xmas, it then Led to the call being cancelled, for fear of causing some "unpleasantness"

Sometimes it feels like social norms don't apply to us. If you went to a diner party and someone was in a wheelchair for the first time or blind or had a terminal disease or an horrific injury scar, none of that would diminish them as a people. Why then should you be any more of a discussion point.

Maybe there are times but the longer I go along this journey the more I realise how most people don't care enough to cause a problem and of those that are left who would cause us issues most of them are still tied to their keyboards.

What possible harm could really have come lets have a look  at your reasons

1) it would have ruined the night for everyone...how? Because you had the temerity to be yourself...


2) it could have gotten ugly but that is them being rude and ignorant, not you...them, they could have gotten ugly

3) people could have been embarrassed... about what?....again that is their issue not yours,

4) That person/people could have left the party in a huff thus being rude to the host and the rest of the guests...they would have been rude to the host and the other guests by being rude to you. 

What you are describing is other peoples issues not your issue. If they are rude or get in a huff and you were my guest I would ask them to leave. I do not know your situation but at what point do you draw the line and say...it is no ones business but my own.

Did the host of the party know? Did it matter to them that they did or didn't know?

Yes you may lose a few dinner parties but you won't lose friends. How can they possibly be friends if they cannot accept you.

I will climb off my soap box now, but I think you did nothing wrong, it was not as if you were trying to play a trick or joke on anyone. You just wanted what everyone else gets to be every day of their lives..yourself.

I am 15 months into transition and have always been so careful to ensure others are ok that I have actually done myself no favours at all. Sometimes I think jumping in with both feet has no less consequences that planning everything down to the last deatil.

But 2017 is a new year and I am going to be doing things differently this year...Jumping in both feet is number one goal, to not hold back on being me....the year of Liz is here!!

I am happy to share LOL it can be the year of Denise as well if you want 

Hugs
Liz

[Denise]

Liz,
I agree with everything you say.  If there were any issues then the issue would be with that person not me.  I totally agree.

Where I think we differ is that I'm one to appease people and rocking the boat is something I avoid at almost all costs.  (It took me 50 years to come out, for example)

If a simple phone call, email, visit ahead of time would defuse any potential confrontation it's worth it to me.

I plan on going full time on on March 2nd after work.  Between now and then I will be telling anyone and everyone who I know.  Facebook is going to be mid February.  I'm exceedingly comfortable with what I'm doing and in doing it with my head held high.

The only nagging thing is a tiny sense of embarrassment that I expect to experience when I run into someone I know but didn't give them the back story.

You are right though that anyone who causes a scene is THEM causing the scene not me.

- Denise

[DawnOday]

Denise
Thanks for not being selfish. The damn the torpedos, full speed ahead approach may make your day. But, not anyone else's. A modicum of respect is essential. There is no way I would skip the event but letting everyone know what to expect is not just showing respect, but confidence in your decision to transition. It is said confidence is half the battle.

[Denise]

Denise
Thanks for not being selfish. The damn the torpedos, full speed ahead approach may make your day. But, not anyone else's. A modicum of respect is essential. There is no way I would skip the event but letting everyone know what to expect is not just showing respect, but confidence in your decision to transition. It is said confidence is half the battle.

Dawn - Thank you for understanding.  Everyone I tell has a slightly different take.  Yesterday I told a guy friend (typically guys take 2 minutes then they lose interest) who made an interesting comment I'll remember forever.  He said:

    Of all my friends, I'm glad it was you.  You are the only person I know with the right attitude and are articulate enough to explain what's happening so people can understand it.

(Note I used to teach computer classes to non-computer majors at the local university.  If I could teach a nursing student how to program in C++ then educating people on G.D. is a snap.)

That's another reason to tell people - sometimes they make you feel good.