Scared to death.

[Opie]

I have know a very long time that I'm am a female inside. I'm now 46 and have not done anything about it aside from dress the part when my So isn't around. I have two boys and am divorced. My So is my high school sweetheart and she is awesome! Except for the fact that she isn't supportive of me transitioning. No one else knows about my situation. I need to make myself happy but all I do is go through spells of depression and sadness. I feel like I have tunnel vision and have no idea what to do. I need some advice!

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[Michelle_P]

Opie, many of us have been in the same place.  Yes, it is hard, but it can get better.

Usually one of the very first things to do is contact a therapist, preferably a gender therapist, to help you understand yourself and clarity your thinking about what you might need to feel better.

Therapists can usually be found thorough your insurance plans, or by asking your primary care physician or doctor for a referral to someone they recommend.   Some folks start with a more general therapist, and once they have their depression under control get a referral to a therapist specializing in gender issues.


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[MissGendered]

Hi Opie!

Well, hun, you have taken a few big steps already, first by experimenting with clothes you like, then by telling your SO, and now by coming here and telling your story and asking for advice.

Michelle is right, a gender therapist is the next step to help you figure out your path, and some are also pretty darn good with depression issues, too. If you have trouble finding one through your insurance, check the local LGBT resource center, or Google psychologists in your area, along with 'gender issues' in the search box..

Good luck, and welcome!

Missy

[AlyssaJ]

I'll echo the plan of finding a Therapist.  Opie you're much like me.  I'm just south of 40 and spent my whole life not allowing myself to admit that there was a disconnect between the gender I felt and the body I had. I did the "crossdressing" thing in a "don't ask, don't tell" situation for years but it didn't help.  Finally I became aware of some of the new understandings science has of gender and I finally was able to admit to myself that I'm trans. I found a therapist and in the past three months have discovered a great deal about myself.

I will caution you with my experience.  When I found my therapist and made that first appointment, telling my wife I had an appointment with a therapist forced my coming out. She wanted to know why I was going to see someone (understandable) and so I had to let it all out earlier than I had planned.  I had originally hoped to work with my therapist and really come to grips with my gender before telling my wife so that I could have all the answers for her. Instead, by coming out to her at that point, I've had to bring her through the whole process with me.  As it turns out, I probably would have had to anyway.

I don't bring this up as a reason to not seek therapy, quite the opposite really.  However, I do want you to prepare for it as I had an unrealistic expectation about when my "coming out" would happen. I'm in the messy part of the journey right now, my wife is not handling it very well but still tries to support me as much as she can.  She can't deal with seeing me in female attire at this point but also has worked with me to find ways that I can still get out and present to the world in a way that is consistent with the gender I'm experiencing.   There's a long journey ahead of you, and those of us here will be happy to help support you along the way.

[Opie]

I'll echo the plan of finding a Therapist.  Opie you're much like me.  I'm just south of 40 and spent my whole life not allowing myself to admit that there was a disconnect between the gender I felt and the body I had. I did the "crossdressing" thing in a "don't ask, don't tell" situation for years but it didn't help.  Finally I became aware of some of the new understandings science has of gender and I finally was able to admit to myself that I'm trans. I found a therapist and in the past three months have discovered a great deal about myself.

I will caution you with my experience.  When I found my therapist and made that first appointment, telling my wife I had an appointment with a therapist forced my coming out. She wanted to know why I was going to see someone (understandable) and so I had to let it all out earlier than I had planned.  I had originally hoped to work with my therapist and really come to grips with my gender before telling my wife so that I could have all the answers for her. Instead, by coming out to her at that point, I've had to bring her through the whole process with me.  As it turns out, I probably would have had to anyway.

I don't bring this up as a reason to not seek therapy, quite the opposite really.  However, I do want you to prepare for it as I had an unrealistic expectation about when my "coming out" would happen. I'm in the messy part of the journey right now, my wife is not handling it very well but still tries to support me as much as she can.  She can't deal with seeing me in female attire at this point but also has worked with me to find ways that I can still get out and present to the world in a way that is consistent with the gender I'm experiencing.   There's a long journey ahead of you, and those of us here will be happy to help support you along the way.

I'm scared of losing what I have now to be myself. I've almost become comfortable. Deep down though I know that this is gonna end terrible if I keep up this way....

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[Denise]

Opie - things to consider (I'm 55, came out 15 months ago, hormones since Nov 2016, full time starts March 2nd)

1) You have had decades to come to terms with this and finally get fed up.
2) Your S.O. has had... days?  Take your time.  It took a year before I felt my wife of 30 years was ready to meet Denise and that was for about 2 minutes.  It wasn't until we talked a lot about "being friends" and took off the rings (still married on paper) before we went out.  I was light makeup, Awesome boots with white jeans, a tunic top, necklace and bracelets.  NO skirts or dresses in front of her, not for a while (many more months I think.)
3) She didn't sign-up for this
4) Go to a therapist.  In fact I went to two different ones.  Same diagnosis.

I Tried to ignore my symptoms - it was a DISASTER!  I almost lost everything - her, job, life.  Pay attention to what your body is telling you.  My said STOP but I didn't listen to the GO and do it NOW.

But as everyone said - get professional help.  You didn't mention where you  are, but I have some suggestions if you are near Chicago Illinois, USA.

- Dee

[Dena]

This is a one step at a time process with many steps. After each step, you can change your mind and stop. The first step is to talk to somebody else. A gender therapist would be best but some people discuss their issues here and then proceed to a therapist. It comes down to whatever works for you.