Sooo, here I am, two years post-op from my vaginal reconstruction with Dr. Brassard, and it is time for a transition overhaul, lol.
The last two years were mostly spent on adjusting to life in stealth, away from trans-anything, focusing on socialization, and sexuality, and relationships, and the nitty-gritty of cis life. I poured every penny I had into relentless electrolysis and dental care and clothing and learning new female life skills. I can now make my own clothes, and jewelry, and make money selling these things, too. I can attract men and have relationships with them without disclosing or being 'clocked'. I have found a safe place to live, where I can exchange improving the property for rent credit, though I do NOT like doing this kind of work, but thank goodness for You Tube, or I would be at a loss about all of it, lol. All my documents have my new name and proper gender markers, my neighbors and community have no idea of my history, sooo, yeah, a pretty dang good start, I think..
Oh, and I also made it back to Montréal for some needed revisions less than a month after major colorectal surgery to remove damaged tissue from the sexual traumas of my infancy and early life. The emotional relief I feel from having both my front and backsides repaired is immeasurable. Everything looks nice and fresh and tidy, soo, a big yay for those developments...
Buuut, I had become complacent about a lot of transition issues as I settled into just living as normally as I could. There is still much work to be done, money to be acquired, and journeys to foreign lands for surgical work to be made...
In my mind, my journey has three distinct stages.
The first, was my de-transition from the false 'male' life that my parents and doctors had foisted onto me. This included my XX intersex diagnosis, gender therapy, HRT, voice and mannerism adjustments, relationship adjustments, learning to use makeup, learning to dress in female attire, coming out, going full-time, changing my name, getting my birth certificate changed, acquiring proper ID, and getting all my banking and other documentation to reflect my new name and proper gender. Most importantly for my peace of mind, was getting rid of all my 'boy' possessions, walking away from my career, and ending my past life.
The second phase began with intensive trauma therapy and DID therapy, but the main objective was to actually start living and breathing in society as a woman, without an asterisk denoting trans-ness hanging over me. Socialization into female society began immediately, but soon I turned to my physical needs, such as having my vaginal reconstruction surgery, and getting sufficient electrolysis. I began learning female life skills, while jettisoning all connections to the trans community, followed by learning about interacting with men safely, and exploring my sexuality, then onto developing 'deep stealth' life skills.
So, here I am, in the middlle of the second phase, happy that so much has gone so well, but becoming ever more aware of the things that still need to be accomplished before I can launch into the third phase of my journey..
What is Phase Three? Said very simply, leaving the past behind, and heading out into the wider world to live as if nothing unusual ever happened to me. No loose ends to come unraveled, no physical improvements left undone, no need to look over my shoulder, just eyes forward, mind clear, and all the possibilities that await me straight ahead..
Buuut, lol, I am not there, yet. I am languishing about half-way through the second phase.
That is the point of this post, I am just now getting my head wrapped around how far I've come, but now, I need to get off my butt, and push onward, but first I have to re-energize myself, and tap into the power of intention!
Things I need to do this year:
Get my photos to MDM, get his assessment and price quote, and then get second opinions from a variety of other surgeons so I can be certain of my choices. I also need my vocal cords tightened, and I like Brassard's technique, so there is also that..
Second, finish my dang electrolysis, I have had over 100 hours, but I have neglected it for most of the last two years, and I have at least another 30 hours before I am done, maybe even 50..
I also need some dental work done, not a lot, but enough to worry me. I don't want to lose a tooth or need a root canal, so I need to get up to date on that, too.
I also need body work, but that could be put off until Phase Three, and be viewed as the kind of work that cis women get all the time. No need to see that stuff as transition related, but yeah, the sooner that is done, the better..
Okay, so, all that costs MONEY!!!!
And I have no extra money. I am barely making ends meet as it is...
Ugh.
Here is where the power of intention MUST come into play.
So, I am sending this message out to the universe: I am doing all that I can do, with what I do have, each and every day...
I have taken an inventory of issues I can improve without money, and that's where I will start.
First, my vagina, ha! I had been foregoing dilations in favor of vigorous penetrative sex, per my surgeons advice, but I found my dilators today, and checked my depth and width. I seem to be about 1/4" less deep, but that is probably an illusion caused by the lessening of swelling around the entrance over time. My width is the same, I can take 'Big Orange' easily and without lube, and on demand, but still, things are pretty snug with well-endowed guys. Average guys fill me up, but hey, I like above average men, if you know what I mean, lol. Sooo, I will do my best to make my vagina as good as it can be. This is a doable thing, I can make my sex life better!
Second, I can get super-frugal, like as in spending nothing on anything, except electrolysis and the dentist. No discretionary spending at all, none... If I can't prioritize my needs, how can I expect the universe to? I believe reality responds when we lead by example. This I can do. This I will do...
Third, I can start finding ways to bring in more income. I can start selling my wares, and focus my efforts on marketing through free channels. I can network, I can use the internet, I can do a lot, and I will..
Fourth, I can divert the energy once spent on the chasing men into business efforts. Annnd, I can use that energy to drive my new dilation regime, lol. :-)
Fifth, I can improve my wardrobe, jewelry and accessory collection without spending money. I know how to make clothes and such, I just need to put in the time and treat myself to the results. This will improve my self-esteem, and boost my morale, without spending a dime. The better my own stuff, the easier to sell the same stuff to others..
The reality is this: I need to make these things happen, if I wait for these things to happen TO me, I will never get to Phase Three.
This is my journey, I must own it.
I must make it so...
Missy
