My reasons for transitioning, as I came out as ftm 10 years ago and started hrt about a year later, was to escape being female as well as modern medicine could allow me. My dysphoria made me think I was supposed to be male and that my body was born of the wrong sex. I was otherwise always quite confident about the way I looked and considered myself attractive. But the dysphoria made life too difficult to endure in what I felt was me pretending to be a girl. Little did I know that the male role I then formed for myself over the years was just as fraudulent. Myself, has probably been the hardest thing I could ever figure out how to be.
Unconsciously I felt the need to escape the parts of my body that had been touched against my will, and which got me sexualised and victimised because of my female sex. What I really meant when I wanted to be seen as a man was that I wanted to be seen as a person, and respected for my mind beyond my body. Transitioning provided a sense of relief from my traumas, but I also loved how hrt changed my body and face. I many times happily exclaimed that it was my favourite drug. Although I remained largely unhappy with my life in general, cause my problems ran much deeper than a transition could possibly solve, I did feel better with my body. It got cosier, more comforting.
I got top surgery out of desperation, as my breasts were a burden I couldn't cope with. I was binding to an unhealthy degree for 5 years, which left me with long-lasting physical issues that still affect me today, 5 years after surgery. And then that surgery that I had been holding on for dear life for, made how I felt about my chest even worse instead. At first I thought it was just that I had to get used to the scars and it being flat there. Then I rationalised away my regret as internalised transphobia. Years went and what little improvement I got fluctuated between sheer panic and "it's alright I guess."
It wasn't until my detransition when I had finally managed to allow myself to say "I miss being a girl and I regret this" that I faced my top surgery regret and finally cried.
Although I transitioned for the wrong reasons, albeit unknowingly at the time, I'm sure it will turn out great in the end. Bodies are maluable and they continue to be even after hrt and surgery. If you make a mistake it's not the whole world as long as you have hope and continue striving for a better future. Breasts are not that complicated body parts, I can get a new pair that I'll love more than I ever could love my original ones. With that my transition, or transformation, continues. When I started transitioning in my late teens, I thought I was being more than reasonable when I hoped to be "done" transitioning before the age of 30. Nope, apparently not! Turned 30, still not done!
But jokes aside, I'm not so concerned with how long time it takes anymore. I know now that despite I was never male, and that I'm not particularly fond of consistently passing as male, I'm glad that I was on hrt. Those changes still comfort me, even in the fate of this constant misgendering, which I ironically dreamed of achieving one day. Well... I guess that dream got granted. If it was right for me to take T in my past, I do not know, but in the end I fell in love with what it gave to my body, as a woman. So I won't call it wrong that I took it. I don't know if I'm transgender or not, nor does it matter outside of the bureaucratic hassle that needs to be messed with for me to get my femaleness once again legally recognised.
But of course, because I regret half of my transition while I still love the other half of it, I'm ambivalent about what to say about my transition as a whole, if it was really worth it or not. Cause it took a long of time and so much energy, for such a dubious and ambiguous result. Well, it didn't quite go as I intended. That much I can say for sure.
