Hi there!
I'm Sarah and it's the first time I post. I've been reading the forums for some time and I've learned a bunch! Today, it's my turn and, quite unfortunately, I'm posting out of despair. But first, let's contextualize and give you an "succinct" account of my life...
I'm 44 years-old, (alas) genetically male. My very first girlish memory dates back to when I was almost 5 years-old. I remember it like it was yesterday because my family catched me wearing tights and a skirt and they reacted very dramatically. I was 4½ and I remember it so vividly - it MUST have been a significant traumatic experience. Anyways, fast forward, my subsequent life was punctuated by an undulating pattern of wearing feminine clothes and purging whenever I was caught. Until I was about 14, I didn't enjoy it sexually - it just felt right and I remember looking at girls with much envy, wishing I would turn up like them through some magic... With adolescence came the discovery of sexual pleasure and I began masturbating. I discovered it purely by coincidence: one day I was wearing tights under my jeans and was just playing in the backyard and started climbing a pole... As I did, I rubbed my crotch against the pole and then felt an incredible rush of adrenaline and an immense pleasure and, well... It was wet down there. My first orgasm. 😋 From there on, I started masturbating regularly and was much easily turned on when wearing girl's clothes. One day, my parents found out what I was doing. Apparently, they didn't mind the masturbation, but were concerned about the fact that I was wearing girl's clothes. They only asked me if I was gay and I said "no". End of conversation. We never ever discussed the issue again, unfortunately. Oh, by the way, I never was attracted to men, only to women. While enjoying myself, I fantasized making love as a women, to myself also as a women, sort of lesbian sex with myself - does that make sense?
Again, fast forward... I graduated from university and eventually found a girl I was fond of. Reminder: I never ceased to wear girl's clothes in secret. A few months from marrying, I told her about my habit. At that time I did not have much insight about my condition and was sure that it was just some fetish, especially since it was mostly associated with obtaining sexual arousal. So I told her that it was just a fetish, a way to spice up things. She found it a little weird but condescended. So the first two years of our marriage, we made love (not very often, but we did) and I often wear feminine lingerie... But then, sex became scarcer and scarcer... And I began wearing the lingerie under my normal garments, not for the sexual arousal, but because it felt right. Incidentally, it was also at that time that I realized that it was possible to grow breasts by taking hormones, so I tried it for a few weeks. Felt soooo good but I didn't take then long enough to see physical changes. In the meantime, we had our first child and I thought to myself - now that I'm a father I'm surely gonna stop with this insanity. I did... for a few months! And then, paraphrasing Dexter Morgan, "my dark passenger" resurfaced. Four years later, second child... Again, boost of courage to stop it all, again very short lived. After that, I took estradiol and spironolactone for a few weeks at a time, just 3 or 4 times and stopped because I was caught by my wife and also because I became much less dysphoric while I was taking the meds.
Now, as I said, I'm 44½. I am still married to the same woman. A little more than 2 years ago, we moved from a southern european country to Flanders, Belgium. I am employed full time, already speak Dutch and French almost fluently and have a secure job with an extremely generous salary, even by belgian standards. My wife, on the contrary, does not work (difficult to find a job in Belgium if you don't speak Dutch, French or at the very least English), barely speaks Dutch and is thus totally dependent on me, financially and logistically. Our boys are now 10 and 14 years-old and are doing quite well in their new country, including at school.
My wife and I sleep together but haven't had any sex life WHATSOEVER since at least 8 or 9 years... 😩 I tried to approach her a few times, even without the feminine clothes, but she always had some excuse... She never dresses sexy for me... I ask her if I cause her disgust but she's evasive. And in the meantime, I feel that my gender dysphoria is growing exponentially. Last year I took a same-day two-way flight to the southern european country where I am from, just to buy hormones! Nuts, right? That's the power of dysphoria... Eventually, as I was already taking the hormones, she found out and confiscated the whole thing. I was devastated by the pain I was causing and I felt very guilty and for the zillionth time I told her that I regretted it and that I wouldn't do it anymore.
Since then, I haven't stopped wearing women's clothes. Lingerie and tights under my normal male clothing when in public or fully female when alone at home. A few weeks ago, I ordered hormones online, which I received in two packets. I received the first one (antiandrogen) but she received the second one while I was at work and she "accidentally" opened it and saw ampules of estradiol. She threw them away in the garbage and spent the whole day sending me text messages, threatening me of telling my parents, our kids and everyone else that I was transgender. 😣 I feel so miserable without the estrogen... 😢
Now, to sum up things: I'm a 44½ years-old genetical male, with a growingly unbearable gender dysphoria MtF, trapped in an obviously dysfunctional marriage (I cherish my wife because of our shared history and our beautiful children, but let's face it: it's not integral love anymore). I now recognize that my dysphoria will never go away (took me a while to realize it) and can only see two solutions: spiral of depression ending in suicide (which I already considered more than a few times, without attempts) or transition. My wife and children are totally dependent on me and I'd be more than willing to remain their provider, in case of a divorce. She would probably ask for full custody and she would possibly go back to homeland with them. That would be extremely painful to me, of course.
Now, I told my wife about all this and she reacted, well... quite bad. She said she would divorce me and take the kids with her. She also threatened telling my parents. My relationship with my parents was never very close, but she thinks that I am so afraid of their reaction that this will dissuade me of going forward with a transition. Actually, I don't have problems telling parents, but I just think it's (1) too soon because I know that sometimes the transition aborts before any noticeable change and for many possible reasons (what's the point of announcing a transition if you don't actually transition?) and (2) informing my parents is not my wife's business. I told my wife that I wish to take an appointment at the gender clinic of a large university hospital. She agreed but at the same time she's afraid that the gender team will confirm my self-diagnosed dysphoria and that they will promote my transition... We agreed on going together on a subsequent appointment.
In practical terms, I think there is a reasonably good chance of passing after HST, hair transplantation, electrolysis, a little dieting and some minor FFS. I'm not too tall of a person (1,69 m or 5,55 ft), relatively small hands and feet (size 40 - that would be a 10 in the US), relatively smooth and high-pitched voice (often called "Mrs" on telephone calls if I don't make an effort to roughen my voice), oval-shaped face but somewhat cursed with broad shoulders (but I think that this will improve with loss of muscular mass). I also have a significant MPB (a stage 3 of Norwood, I would say) so hair transplantation will be a must.
I just wanted to vent my feelings, to relieve a bit of my pain. But I'd be delighted to read any thoughts or feedback. When and how should I tell my kids? I am very close to them... Will they hate me? Will my wife turn them against me? Belgium is one of the most trans-accepting countries in the world and I'm almost sure that my colleagues at work would be okay, as long as it does not interfere with my work (and I don't see why it would). At this moment, I definitely don't have a female outlook - will they find that strange at the gender clinic? Will they think: "What the heck is this alpha-male doing here? Does he really thinks he has a chance?" I can't deny some angst about it...
One last thing: thank you for taking your time to read my story!
Hugs, Sarah 👧
