Becoming Alexia

[alexia]

Hi All,  Been awhile since my last post.  I can make excuses but basically I'm not really good at posting on forums.  I usually take a long time to think up a response (ie this post will take me 2 hrs to write with me thinking about writing it for a few weeks now).  So I thought I'd start a blog post which will force me to update it and also help people by describing my situation and answering any questions (take that anxiety I tricked you

You can check my introductory post to see me history https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,212553.msg1881747.html#msg1881747 and I'll add what I'm currently up to.

Basically I intend to do a slow transition by adding a new feminine thing each 6 months.  I aim to start a non social low dose transition in July this year.  Which I feel I'm ready to do as I've covered most of the issues that I may face.  Except telling my dentist and whether I continue giving blood (this is a big thing as I enjoy doing it and my blood type is rarish).  I see a psychiatrist Dr Lyons via skype in Adelaide and a local psychologist.  So they can help me with my non social transition and whether to continue if things get too difficult (or should I say things get to big   I also have a local beauty therapist who has had transgender clients previously and my local gp knows and is supportive.

My wife is still not thrilled but communications are improving.  She is not happy with me having waxed legs during summer but she has agreed that I can start facial hair removal.  She would prefer that I use our home IPL machine but I'm of the opinion that the machine at the beauty therapist would work better??  I have mentioned this to her but have agreed to discuss with my GP and others.  I will use the beauty therapists opinion on whether IPL will work or not on my face but I think I will have a few sessions to clear up the dark hairs and then switch to electrolysis.  Since I don't intend to social transition anytime soon I can take my time clearing the rest of the hairs which will make my wife more comfortable.

My therapist asked me recently what my level of dysphoria was and I realised that sitting there in skinny jeans, strappy sandals, nice top, and talking to him without trying to hide who I was it was non existent at that time.  On reflection I feel my dysphoria is like background noise, always there but sometimes I don't hear it because I'm busy.  However sometimes I might see, hear, sense or think of something and it really hits me.

That's enough for how.  However my goal for this year is to be more active on the forums and start giving back to the community as a thank you.       

[Amber42]

Hi Alexia,

Your story and plan sounds very similar to what what I've experienced and what I'm planning.  I waiver from going head first into this and falling back to 'reality'.  I've got my first appointment with the HRT specialist next week.  A huge mix of emotions as I approach the date.

I'm starting to lean towards a non social low dose if I can.  Need to balance things with work, family, kids, etc...

Your description of dysphoria is so spot on!  That is how I feel. 

Finally, as for the IPL, I've been using on my face and a few other places.  I had reasonably good results on my hands & chest.  My face has been harder.  I've hit it with 10 sessions and I'm estimating about 20% reduction in hair...mind you, at my age, the hair is somewhat salt and pepper, so the white is not being affected.

Funny...I've been stressed about telling my dentist too LOL


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[alexia]

Thank you for your response Amber and good luck with the HRT specialist.  One thing I've noticed since looking at forums is that I'm not unique.  This plus the realisation that I don't have to transition and come out all at once made things easier.  If I understood this at a younger age things might have been different not that I would change things.  As I too have kids.

I think I also realise HRT doesn't work over night so I have time monitor things before (if ever) I go for a social transition. Ideally I'd love to social transition but not at the current potential costs to family.

I too have a bit of salt through my facial hair but fortunately I've only ever been able to grow a goatee so a coarse of IPL and then a few years of electrolysis should sort things out.

I don't mind telling the dentist its more the putting it on my records for other employees to see.  I understand this is confidential but the more that is out there the more chance of someone doing the wrong thing and outting me.

Same with giving blood I'm not keen on explaining why I'm on hormones everytime I give blood.

[Rhonda333]

Alexia. I tried the slow baby step way of coming out at work. While I dress as a male, I had to wear a binder to hide my breasts which were quite large. One vacation I went to India with a friend to get a butt lift. (Silicon pads implanted over each buttock and hip]. They broaden my beam quite a bit and I had to wear women's pants. Went back to work and nobody noticed except a couple rude coworkers mentioned that I was putting on weight. After a few weeks I added clear nail polish and longer nails. Nobody noticed. Then I had  my ears pierced and wore tiny gold earrings. Nothing. Next I wore women's shoes, but still rather manish. Nobody noticed. Finally I had only one card to play. Instead of the binder I'd wear my normal 38C bra under a loose sweater. I walked in like usual, past the girls at their desks and back to my cubbyhole. Not two seconds later two of the girls came in demanding to know if I had implants over the weekend. No, I said, I got these the same way You got yours and I explained my binder. They asked me if I was transgendering and I said yes. One girl said, "we thought something was up when you came in wearing clear nail polish".

[alexia]

Thank you for your post Rhonda.  I'm hoping that your experience of people either not noticing or accepting and not mentioning is similar to mine.  Although I am hoping to keep the changes to a minimal at this stage and I don't think work will be much of a problem (cows and sheep don't really care how I dress .  Its more the social environment in a farming community.

As a bit of an update.  At my last psychology appointment where I stated I'd like to start hormones in July which was ok and I was asked to have some blood tests and if I could get my weight done a bit ie for a BMI under 25.  The blood tests were done and I went to my local GP (she didn't discuss the hormone tests as she will leave that to the expert) but my other test were good.  Also I have lost about 5 kg (I just stopped eating too rubbish ie dessert, cake, boredom food etc but kept my main meals the same)  only need another 2.5 kg to loose.  I've been meaning to get to 85kg for awhile but have never had any incentive.  In March I'll see my specialist again and I also hope to start facial hair removal.

One thing I have noticed is that my dysphoria has diminished.  Which I think is because I have short term goals to look forward to.  Ie I feeling I'm doing something about being transgender without hurting loved ones.

hugs
Alexia

[JeanetteLW]

Hi Alexia,
   Glad to see you here and taking part in the neighborhood. There's some debris over in the corners that needs to be swept out.  Oh wait, never mind (whew that was close ) those are my dark corners that need not be exposed to the light of day yet. Plenty of time for that later.
   I am glad to read your are getting more comfortable with some situations and your dysphoria is background noise alot of the time. Remember it is progress not perfection we strive for.
  I haven't had any encounters en femme with anyone. My experiences have been furtive outings in my vehicles where I have had to interface with anyone. I'm out to only 3 professionals so far. My two doctors and a mental health person. I am awaiting an appointment with  a gender therapist. The time for me to come out to some family and friends is on the horizon though. Having started HRT in December 2016 I will be a victim of developments soon enough. (wink)
   It sounds like you are doing well and on a good path to achieve your goals. Keep it up.

Hugs,
    Jeanette

[alexia]

Thank you Jeanette your comments are welcome and even though I do not get much time to log on a post a do try and browse the forums as often as I can.  Your posts and others have helped me reach the point I am.

I just had another skype call with Dr Lyons and I've realised my gender dysphoria hasn't changed much but my anxiety from it has diminished which is fantastic.  I'm really looking forward to start hormones in July and Dr Lyons is happy with my plan and flexiblity (mental not physical).  Also I've almost lost 8 kgs so my BMI is now 24 and waist is 93cm (36.5") so I'm happy as it only involved reducing non essential (yummy) foods such as biscuits and cake at morning lunch.  It's also a good time of year to lose weight as the vegetable garden is taking off ie heaps of cucumbers and tomatoes.  So aim to lose a couple of more kilos and then I'll start reintroducing the yummy foods and see how I maintain the weight.

Another interesting thing was my blood tests my estradiol levels were 25% high for a male and my free testosterone levels were low but my testosterone level was normal.  I don't have a reason as I don't take any medications and hardly drink (ie 3-4 beers a week).  I see it as a positive though:) 

[JeanetteLW]

Hi again Alexia,

  You meant it when you said you are an infrequent poster didn't you? Well we keep dusting off a seat for you so you have a clean place to relax as you compose your words for us. Don't worry we'll wait patiently for them.
  So your Dr. Lyons is pleased with your progress and plans is he? Well that is a good thing for sure. Hormones in July huh?  How can you wait lady?  I hardly waited a month after telling my doctor about Jeanette and getting my pills through proper channels before I was trying to widdle an increase in dosage from him. If you recall I was a bad girl and started taking meds before telling the doc.... No, I just cannot contemplate having to wait until July. I just don't know how you can do such a thing.
   Losing the kilos are you? Good idea from what I've read. You are not the only one that has a need to do that. I personally feel I am doing good if I don't gain a couple pounds (a kilo) each time I weigh in at a doctor's appointment. 
I follow a minimal effort weight loss plan (my own)  i try to cut down on the food portions and when weather permits go for walks of 2 - 4 miles . No it doesn't work very well. 
   Maybe you will have a little of a head start on your HRT with your E level being a little higher than normal. I don't know of course since I am not a doctor. The only level i  knew befor I started was my T level was only 370 which is on the low side but still normal even for my age. By the time I told my doc and had tests done My T was really low and in the female range as were all the other tests including my E level. As far as those test were concerned I was already a woman   I still have a month before my 3 month tests.
  July huh?
  Well try to come visit us a few times between now and then so we know you are stay kicking.

  Hugs,
   Jeanette

[alexia]

Thanks Jeanette,

Yeah its difficult to post living on a farm where I'm only comfortable of posting during lunch breaks Monday or Tuesday (unless like today I get extra time to do stuff around the house).  At night by the time the kids are in bed I can't be bothered posting.  I'll be kicking alright as this is the most positive I've been for a long time as I see I've got a workable plan (but the plans do stuff up after awhile but that's what I've got these forums for:)

Also getting a bit anxious about July but it's good discipline if I want to do a non-social transition.  Also I need to go to Adelaide to start hormones which is a 5 hr drive away. 

hugs,
Alexia

[Sarah leah]

Do not be discouraged. If you see Dr Mezzini like myself she will ask you a few questions and give you advice. Honestly she is fantastic to talk too and extremely passionate about people.

[alexia]

Thank you Sarah.  I'm far from discouraged, slightly impatient:)  But this is the most positive I've felt in a long time so I'm enjoying the ride.  I'll see if Dr Lyons recommends Dr Mezzini.  Also thank you for your advice and if you have any questions or need support please feel free to ask or even PM me (not that I've used PM before) as sometimes its nice to get a local's perspective.

[alexia]

It's been awhile since my last update (even got a warning that its been over 30 days since the topic has been posted in maybe I need to update more often  

So what has been happening:

I've started facial hair removal, 2 sessions so far.  The results have been very promising.  Neck hair has been mostly cleaned up except for a few patches, sides of face also and only a few hairs under jawline.  The upper lip and chin has a bit further to go.  Definitely a reduction in dark hairs but noticing a lot of white.  I think soon if I shave well in the morning I could get by with just foundation and no beard cover for most of the day.  But since I'm not socially transitioning and have minimal chance to go out properly dressed its only a thought experiment.  To be fair before hair removal I could only grow a goatee with sparse hair in the other areas.  Also I've only been having hair removal for 2 months so will be interesting to see long term results.

I've been having skype sessions with Dr Lyons which have been a bit iffy technically wise (stupid wireless broadband) but I feel I've got to the stage where I have a plan and am comfortable with where I am at so I might cut down on sessions also the 1/2 hr session seems too short to cover everything (I also have a 1hr session with a psychologist which are face to face)

Emotionally and dysphoria wise, I'm the best I've ever been.  I guess I'm happy with being transgender and my plan.  I don't get in despair and suicidal thoughts when dysphoria hits(although my optimistic nature has always overcome those thoughts).  Which has been a strange feeling when previously it had been at least a daily occurrence.  This has been partly the reason I've been away for awhile because for the last year I've been considering starting a low dose non social transition in July with the reason of decreasing my dysphoria.  So if my dysphoria has diminished do I still need to hormone therapy (HT).  Ie needed a break to think things through.  I guess what I've come up with is that I am transgender and always will be (I prefer to see myself as transgender instead of male).  However socially transitioning at this stage would put me in a worse mental (at least for short term) mainly for the effect it would have on others.  It might be different if my wife was fully supportive but she barely tolerates it.  However I try and have conversations about being transgender and and changes I do ie facial hair removal and HT and she is not against it but its like pulling teeth.  The only thing she is against is social transition.

Now my decision with regards to HT, I've made an appointment for 17th July (yay) seeing Dr Tonia Mezzini.  My reasoning is that I can at least have a discussion with her and discuss my goals and we can work out a way forward.

My only real difficulty is that being non social and living in country Australia is that I am unable to dress as a woman.  I can occasionally dress at home but time is limited and there is the worry that someone will come around.  Also I get no feedback with no interaction with other people.  Its a problem I'm not going to rush into to sort out as I'm fairly patient.

Anyway sorry for the long post maybe I should touch in more often to keep the posts down.  However I expect I will make a post when I begin HT:)  I might even get one of those tickers

happy hugs,
Alexia

[Laurie]

Hi Alexia,

  It's good to hear from you again. From the sound of it you are working things out for yourself. It's good you are talking with some therapists and that also sounds like it's going fairly well. I too have had two sessions of facial torture for a total of 3 hours. I am doing electrolysis. I'm not sure which you were doing since you didn't elaborate.
  It would be more helpful to you if your wife were supportive. But you have to play the cards you are dealt. Perhaps eventually she'll come around and give you more freedom to experiment.
  Hoping for the best for you Alexia. Don't wait so long between updates next time.

Hugs,
    Laurie

[Sarah leah]

I think you will like Dr. Mezzini as she calls a spade a spade but will go above and beyond for you. In terms of the social part I think it is the hardest part for us that live in rural areas to do. In fact I came out to a few people at work a month ago. They were all fantastic and super supportive. Sadly, the guy in HR was less so and has decided to end my contract meaning I am in the process of applying for a discrimination case.

This means I am going to need to apply for workcover and take him to court to have him sorted for gender discrimination and "firing/removing" me from my job on the grounds of my stating I was going to slowly transition over the next 12 months.

Despite this idiot in HR. All the people I have spoken to in the Mount has been supportive and stated that years ago it was an issue but nowadays it is becoming more socially acceptable as we gain more insight into GID in the community. In fact since speaking up I have seen 6 trans people in our region. So we are coming out of the woodwork slowly.

[alexia]

Hi Sarah, I was pleased when Dr Lyons recommended me to Dr Mezzini.  Although its a bit frustrating having Dr Lyons office organise my appointment as I mentioned I'd prefer either Friday or Monday morning as I'd like to travel back home on Monday.  I get 1:30 Monday oh well another day in Adelaide.

I'm sorry to hear you were unfairly dismissed.  I read your post on it and it made me saddened that a small minded person has such power over people.  I hope the case gets quickly sorted out in your favour (as it should).  Also don't let a simple minded twit keep you down and take strength for the acceptance you received from the people you actually worked with and matter.  Best of luck Alexia

Hi Laurie, initially I'm doing laser and then will switch to electrolysis at a future date.  I may seem like I'm working things out on my own but I sometimes feel like I've picked up a clip board and walking around the build with purpose hoping no one notices that I've got no idea what I'm doing:)

[alexia]

Hi its been awhile again.  But hey I've started hormone therapy.  It's currently going as good as I hoped.  I'm on low dose estrogen patches only (I'm aiming for a non-social transition mainly for the mental benefits).  I'm seeing Dr Mezzini in Adelaide and this was the method we decided on.  Since I'm patient and can wait for changes I can take things slowly and we can adjust things as we see fit.  My original plan was to post as soon as I started but starting hormones was only one of three major issues/changes for me in July and strangely enough it wasn't the most important one.  However starting hormones removed the dysphoria so this helped me handle the other issues.

Effects so far:
Physical - non that I could say are definite.  Sometimes I think I feel tingling in breasts but dunno.  Also I found the initial week my erections increased (yuck) but have returned to normal now.  Can't wait until they are gone.

Mental - I feel I don't suffer from dysphoria now.  I still want to be female.  But I don't look at women and feel despair that I'm not, I just feel I am a transsexual now so feel positive.  When I think about being transgender I don't feel depressed because I see no way forward.  I feel I am becoming who I want without major external impact.

So to sum up, starting this approach to hormones is the right thing to do for me and it is working as good as I could have hoped.  So I'm happy and positive for a change which is a great feeling.  Although as a side note starting hormones doesn't make life perfect because life doesn't revolve around gender identity but it does remove a problem that allows me to cope with any issues

lots of love,
Alexia

[ClaireBear]

Glad everything is going well for you.  Dr Lyons is pretty awesome.

If you have dark hair, there is no substitute for laser hair removal.  All my body and facial hair is gone.  I had 55x sessions on my face, and the usually 10-12 on my legs and body.  I've also had 30 hours of facial electrolysis.  Laser is a fast, effective form of hair removal.

[Jacqueline]

Glad everything is going well for you.  Dr Lyons is pretty awesome.

If you have dark hair, there is no substitute for laser hair removal.  All my body and facial hair is gone.  I had 55x sessions on my face, and the usually 10-12 on my legs and body.  I've also had 30 hours of facial electrolysis.  Laser is a fast, effective form of hair removal.

Claire,

Welcome to the site.

Thanks for sharing your experience. Much of my hair is in the grey range(found my first white hair at about 17). I can only do electrolysis.

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