Worried about not passing + being paranoid

[JessicaK]

Jessica,

From the pics in your avatar and the pots here... I'd like to add another possibility. I've caught myself staring before, not because I thought someone was trans, but because they were freaking cute. And you are. If I saw you out on the street, I'd be glancing over and thinking something to the effect of, "Wow, she's hot."

I'll note that even straight cis women do this. Straight cis men don't. Straight cis women will admire another woman and think she's cute or hot or such without any actual attraction; it's simply appreciating aesthetics.

The only reason I know this, due to my background (AFAB, raised male cuz dad wanted a boy, totally isolated, long story), is because in my Sociology of Marriage and Family Life course, the subject came up in a protracted discussion. A LOT of straight cis women said they would appreciate another woman's beauty, even if they had no sexual attraction whatsoever.

So... maybe think on that? It's not always that someone's clocking you. It really might just be as simple as that you're a damn fine looking woman. (Which, I reiterate, you are. )

*offers hugs and cookies of choice* <3

Thank you! I honestly hadn't considered this before because I'm so damn negative lol. It's really nice to hear from someone. I never seem to believe my partner Gem because my brain assumes she is biased. I must do her head in haha.
Thank you for your kindness <3
I'm sorry to hear about your upbringing. I'm so sorry you were forced into being male for so long. I can't imagine how difficult this would have been. You are incredibly strong to have gotten to where you are now. +1 role model!

Ohhh... this so reminded me of a Twiggy song... you're going through the early phases right now, and you'll pass in time...

Now, onto Twiggy *I think you can relate!!!* ((if you look at it as from a perspective of a transgender girl... it's pretty deep))

Love it! Don't think I've ever heard it before

Many thanks x

Is it normal to feel so much regret having missed a whole out on your whole childhood? I feel cheated out of so many experiences that I will never have now, and guilty because I didn't discover my gender dysphoria for so long.
I know my mental health, upbringing and lack of knowledge all led to a delayed discovery but I sometimes hate myself because I didn't realise earlier. Has anyone else encountered this before?

Thank you

Jessica x

[JessicaK]

Some more of my journey on my blog

link in my signature below.



Jessica

[JessicaK]

Another bad start to a day.

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So I went to see a mental health professional today to review my meds as I need someone to manage them. I had heard good things about this doctor. He is Indian with a thick accent so I expected a bit of a communication barrier before going to the appointment.

He seemed nice upon meeting him and he used the correct name. I soon realised he was ignorant about trans issues and Gender Dysphoria. I was briefly explaining how my own family (and Gems') ha been difficult to deal with but things are looking a bit better with my own mum and dad. I explained how this caused more mental health problems etc. He said transitioning was a personal choice such as (and I quote) 'It would be like your brother turning around and saying he's a drug dealer.' and that was his reason why my parents didn't accept it. I thought this totally inappropriate from a professional.

I don't even know why I bother seeking help for my mental health.
For me, the decision to transition was life or death. I needed and still need this. It is no more a personal decision than breathing is, or having a heart beat.

So frustrated right now!
Daym!

Jessica

[KayXo]

He said transitioning was a personal choice

Anyone who says this doesn't understand transpeople or even gays and lesbians. Clearly, this is not a choice. It's who we are, we have no choice in the matter. Not going forward with transition or lying to oneself and the rest of the world can have disastrous consequences on our life.

Find someone else, is my advice to you. Someone who understands these issues better.

[MissGendered]

Another bad start to a day.

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I don't even know why I bother seeking help for my mental health.

So frustrated right now!
Daym!

Jessica

Hun, he is ignorant. But there are very qualified gender therapists out there, and we gender-variant folk are well-served by these dedicated, empathetic, experienced, objective professionals. I too received horrid mental health care, as have most people that seek help, at some time or another. But we must not let these fools deter us, we need what we need. There are also gender therapists that work over the internet, that may be an option worth considering if you can't find somebody local..

Hang on, girlfriend, all these things take time, but once you have a proper team lined up, things will go much more smoothly for you!

Missy

[Floof]

Is it normal to feel so much regret having missed a whole out on your whole childhood? I feel cheated out of so many experiences that I will never have now, and guilty because I didn't discover my gender dysphoria for so long.
I know my mental health, upbringing and lack of knowledge all led to a delayed discovery but I sometimes hate myself because I didn't realise earlier. Has anyone else encountered this before?

Thank you

Jessica x

Absolutely, I'm right there with ya.. Just an awful waste of a life, a horribly awkward youth spent trying to supress everything I knew about myself and -like i think Josie said in another thread- simply existing rather than living. I so badly regret not coming out at 12 when I started to really notice these feelings, or at 16 when I fully understood that I was, so that I could start repairing myself. ..And i'm FURIOUS at the only clinic in my country for taking a full 7 years from when I first contacted them and started going to apointments before they would start me on HRT, that has so drastically improved my life in just two and a half months.

But we can't just sit around regreting the past, and in a way we are some of the lucky ones that get to do this while we are still young with most of our lives ahead of us.. Lets try to look ahead <3

He said transitioning was a personal choice

Get another one.. Just wow..

I am a big advocate of therapy though, if you find a good one.. It helped me a whole lot to find my way so far, and to keep me sane and balanced

[Angela Drakken]

Get another one.. Just wow..

I am a big advocate of therapy though, if you find a good one.. It helped me a whole lot to find my way so far, and to keep me sane and balanced

They say the 'personal choice' line for legal reasons. There are many precedents existing where patients have gone back and sued because the doctors 'made them this way!' and used that as a scapegoat for getting cold feet and de-transitioning. (Nobody wants to lose their license.) There are also many precedents and documented cases (and members on this site) who have gender dysphoria and choose not to transition and still lead perfectly happy lives as there are varying degrees of dysphoria among different individuals. (For a lot of us, myself included, it was a brick wall that I was either going to crush my head against or break through it.) A lot of individuals forgo a lot fo the surgical aspects of transition for personal reasons or even medical reasons. No ones transition choices the right or wrong one. Just like there's no right or wrong version of HRT. It's a hard thing to treat, it's not the common cold. So everyones journey is different, and yes choice does play a large part of it.

The TL;DR version is, nobody likes getting sued. Physicians and Phsychologists aren't technically allowed to 'suggest' what to do about it. They say this not necessarily out of malice, but to legally protect themselves, hence the whole process of informed consent.

I will agree with you, having a good therapist is very important. My first one cried more than I did, and it really threw me off. She also had exactly 0 experience with gender related problems. She did right by me by finding me one that did and I've stuck with the new one ever since. They've been great.

[MissGendered]

Jessica,

In my experience, both with my gender issues and my trauma/DID issues, the best therapists guided me gently to a place where I inadvertently revealed my true thoughts, true feelings, true selves.

In DID therapy, this allows each alter personality to come forward, own their discrete memories, acknowledge the traumas that happened in their time, say their name out loud, express their pain, declare their gender, and come to know their place in the past, and then, within the present.

In my gender therapy, a similar thing occurred, when I felt safe to drop my shield, and pretenses, and fears about what might happen if I were to be completely honest with myself, without being concerned about how such truths would impact my family, friends, career, privilege, or imagined future...

I see this as the path toward a state of sustainable intellectual honesty, where one's truth shines brighter than the darkest clouds gathered above us by history, circumstance, and fear.

The reality is, once we open Pandora's box, we really cannot know in advance what we will lose or what we will gain, nor who we will find ourselves to actually be, or what our sexual preferences will turn out to be, nor whether our current relationships are going to prove to be unworkable, or even hurtful. We bargain the whole way, especially those of us with longer histories in a wrong gender, and so we plead and beg and negotiate for the least loss possible.

When I started my journey, I boasted that I was going to have the very first 'loss-free' transition known to humankind, and I thought I could, since I was xx intersex, and had been medically mis-assigned as male. So, I figured everybody would be sympathetic, and make any and every accommodation possible for me. I was wrong. It made no difference. I lost virtually everything, lol..

The one thing that Pandora had left in her box? It was HOPE...

That is why we must open it, otherwise, for so many of us, there will be no hope to sustain us...

You'll be fine, Jessica, you are doing great already..

((HUGS))

Missy

[Floof]

The TL;DR version is, nobody likes getting sued. Physicians and Phsychologists aren't technically allowed to 'suggest' what to do about it. They say this not necessarily out of malice, but to legally protect themselves, hence the whole process of informed consent.

I suppose, my country doesn't have a culture of lawsuits so it didn't really cross my mind to be honest. The "like your brother turning around and saying he's a drug dealer" thing was kinda what really tipped it over the edge for me though, even for legal reasons I don't see why such a comparison was needed. Seems needlessly cruel and uncaring

[tgirljuliewilson]

I can relate--most here can.  The most horrible, panic-striking thing is to recognize when someone stares a bit too long, and you fear you've been outed.  Confidence helps, as does wearing a wedding ring (or at least a diamond), but in the end, we all just want to be accepted as women in our own right.  I'd like to say it gets easier with time, but it doesn't.  Only your confidence grows, and you accept your body more and more.

[JessicaK]

Thanks for all the support everyone!

Hun, he is ignorant. But there are very qualified gender therapists out there, and we gender-variant folk are well-served by these dedicated, empathetic, experienced, objective professionals. I too received horrid mental health care, as have most people that seek help, at some time or another.
Missy

Thank you. I think it's crazy that people are in a job where they should be helping people yet they can be insensitive and ignorant. Thanks for sharing your insight and experiences.
I love reading about other people and their journeys.

I suppose, my country doesn't have a culture of lawsuits so it didn't really cross my mind to be honest. The "like your brother turning around and saying he's a drug dealer" thing was kinda what really tipped it over the edge for me though, even for legal reasons I don't see why such a comparison was needed. Seems needlessly cruel and uncaring

Yes it was the addition of the example that was the most annoying and hurtful thing. Maybe his culture and beliefs came into it, I don't know :/

I had a good session with my counselor today. I was out in the town in my heals and it felt right. It was good.
Having a slightly overwhelming night however where past unresolved things are bubbling up. Talked to Gem about them and feeling a bit more at ease.

Hope everyone had a nice day and have some nice plans for the weekend.


We have this on our living room wall <3

Jessica x

[Floof]

I had a good session with my counselor today. I was out in the town in my heals and it felt right. It was good.
Having a slightly overwhelming night however where past unresolved things are bubbling up. Talked to Gem about them and feeling a bit more at ease.

Hope everyone had a nice day and have some nice plans for the weekend.


We have this on our living room wall <3

Jessica x

Stay strong <3. That a Dolk? 

[JessicaK]

Stay strong <3. That a Dolk? 

Always trying <3

Banksy

Jessica

[Vervain]

Thank you back for the sympathies and comments. I never quite know where I fit, because my situation is so weird. I smiled at the role model comment.

As for the doc -- my psych is an Indian-born woman who immigrated here. She is fully knowledgeable about gender related issues. (Are you aware of the hijira in India? Trans women have their own place in that society/culture, even though it's definitely different and more of a third gender. But it's always interesting to me, at least, how other cultures approach trans issues.)

I have had to correct her on one cultural issue, which involved what is admittedly a complicated situation involving rape from a former partner, that I would probably have to explain to some American people too. But all she asked for was an explanation, because she didn't understand, and thanked me for educating her, basically.

Comments like comparing transition to drug use are not okay. I would not be comfortable with this therapist after a comment like that, and I wouldn't be able to trust them at all. That would make therapy pretty well useless. I suggest looking for a new therapist. There are plenty out there who understand trans issues, even ones from other cultures!

[Lancastrian]

As others have said,  relaxation matters. 

This time of year is also the hardest.  A few weeks after my social transition (work came a few months later),  we hit a very snowy patch.  I was going out in ski coat,  jeans and walking boots to keep warm and not slip.  Lots of 'sirs' because so few gender clues.  At this time of year,  in heavy winter clothes I can still get a 'sir'  and it doesn't worry me because any woman whose figure is covered and dressed in a ski coat and jeans is likely to get a fair few sirs - if people are unsure 'sir'  is safer than 'madam'.

Come the summer when you can be a thinner clothes,  it will be a lot easier. 

As for the looking,  if you are obviously with a female partner,  then will cause a fair amount of staring.  I am Secretary to a local LGBTI group (out as L),  and gay and lesbian couples all say that they get stares and things.  So if people are staring there is a fair chance that it is because you have passed and people are staring at a lesbian couple.   That's a concept which can take an awful lot of getting used to because we tend to read those stares as not having passed when they - or a large proportion of them - can be because we have passed.

[JessicaK]

Thank you back for the sympathies and comments. I never quite know where I fit, because my situation is so weird. I smiled at the role model comment.

As for the doc -- my psych is an Indian-born woman who immigrated here. She is fully knowledgeable about gender related issues. (Are you aware of the hijira in India? Trans women have their own place in that society/culture, even though it's definitely different and more of a third gender. But it's always interesting to me, at least, how other cultures approach trans issues.)

I have had to correct her on one cultural issue, which involved what is admittedly a complicated situation involving rape from a former partner, that I would probably have to explain to some American people too. But all she asked for was an explanation, because she didn't understand, and thanked me for educating her, basically.

Comments like comparing transition to drug use are not okay. I would not be comfortable with this therapist after a comment like that, and I wouldn't be able to trust them at all. That would make therapy pretty well useless. I suggest looking for a new therapist. There are plenty out there who understand trans issues, even ones from other cultures!

Hey Vervain

Thanks for the insight.
I've heard of a couple of cultures with third genders but had forgotten India was one of them. Hopefully when I get my name changed by Deed poll thing won't be as awkward and I can just omit the whole 'label' as such.

Definitely asking for someone else if I have to go back. Just makes my overall view of the health service pretty vile as this isn't my first bad experience in the mental health sector.

I'm so sorry <3

As others have said,  relaxation matters. 

This time of year is also the hardest.  A few weeks after my social transition (work came a few months later),  we hit a very snowy patch.  I was going out in ski coat,  jeans and walking boots to keep warm and not slip.  Lots of 'sirs' because so few gender clues.  At this time of year,  in heavy winter clothes I can still get a 'sir'  and it doesn't worry me because any woman whose figure is covered and dressed in a ski coat and jeans is likely to get a fair few sirs - if people are unsure 'sir'  is safer than 'madam'.

Come the summer when you can be a thinner clothes,  it will be a lot easier. 

As for the looking,  if you are obviously with a female partner,  then will cause a fair amount of staring.  I am Secretary to a local LGBTI group (out as L),  and gay and lesbian couples all say that they get stares and things.  So if people are staring there is a fair chance that it is because you have passed and people are staring at a lesbian couple.   That's a concept which can take an awful lot of getting used to because we tend to read those stares as not having passed when they - or a large proportion of them - can be because we have passed.

Thanks Lancastrain

Very true, I tend to under-dress in to feel more feminine. Often leaves me shivering hehe. Can't wait for the warmer weather and longer days.

Great point, I hadn't really considered this before. Seems like a lot of my issues are in my head lol. No idea how to start fixing this :s Thanks for your insight!

Thanks to everyone for taking the time to read and reply. The support has been amazing!

Thanks!

Jessica

[JessicaK]

Feeling positively poop today :/
Got a 'later dude' earlier and there have been some updates of the whole family shenanigans.

Jessica

[Floof]

Feeling positively poop today :/
Got a 'later dude' earlier and there have been some updates of the whole family shenanigans.

Jessica

God damn people.. Stay strong and vent to us if you need it pretty lady <3. Im so sorry you had an awful day, fingers crossed for tomorrow.

[xFreya]

I can definitely relate. pre transition I had an androgynous look and I would often hear comments on the street like "is that a boy or a girl", people staring, in a few cases verbal harassment. I ignored all of them but it would hurt me a lot mentally. People seem to think I am a very calm person but that's definitely not the case. I just conceal my anxieties like that.

Now after dressing more feminine, trying to look more confident, doing a little makeup and HRT I've not been misgendered and no stares for a year but I am still not comfortable in every situation.  Things definitely got better though. I am anxious in less situations now. Hopefully it will get better for you too. I don't think I would ever notice by your looks but maybe longer hair and more time might help.

[JessicaK]

I can definitely relate. pre transition I had an androgynous look and I would often hear comments on the street like "is that a boy or a girl", people staring, in a few cases verbal harassment. I ignored all of them but it would hurt me a lot mentally. People seem to think I am a very calm person but that's definitely not the case. I just conceal my anxieties like that.

Now after dressing more feminine, trying to look more confident, doing a little makeup and HRT I've not been misgendered and no stares for a year but I am still not comfortable in every situation.  Things definitely got better though. I am anxious in less situations now. Hopefully it will get better for you too. I don't think I would ever notice by your looks but maybe longer hair and more time might help.

Hey
I know what you mean. Just because we can try ignore something doesn't mean it hasn't hurt us. Thinks will circulate in my brain for weeks or months sometimes. I'm sorry you had those experiences.
Sounds like you're doing really well now. Gives me hope for the future.

Thanks for your kind comments

Jessica