new, this life, crap

[chickenmanfred]

hello, I dont know if i should be on here or not but that is my age. I just went to live with my mom and step dad instead of my dad and step and mom, and my dad is watching everything my mom does as a parent.... and im getting more and more involved with my secret cross-dressing i guess. now the reasons for me to be on here are most-likely all for the wrong reasons. I like attention, i like people to feel sorry about me, im rude to others, im sorry that is just how i am although i dont want to be i have to be it and i know maybe i could get help. so finally, i have used programs like myspace and ai.m and ive told a friend of mine of my secret doings. this friend goes to my school. i was in a band with her.... i now hide from her.... she accepts me she says online.... but im scared out of my mind to face her now. I have just sent an email to my all time best friend who is also in the band ive been in.... i cant run from her she is in my classess, i dont know when she will get the email. I know i should of kept it secret and now that is 2 late, i should face my fears. i cant tell my parents, i would end up moving back with my dad.... I have also found a new interest as male in wanting to be gothic style, but even if i did that my parents wouldnt love me. Maybe i just want to be different, maybe i want attention, but ive done it secretly, and i like it much better than guy clothing, even if im doing it for all the wrong reasons, ive been dreaming of being a girl for as young as i can remember. i would pray to god to make a girl, i would wish on stars. I was doing this before the 4th grade i know for sure.... and im just confused everywhere.... i dont know myself at all, i am silent at school cause im scared of showing myself, and i ask.... would could i do to be happier? i dont know what i want, i want to be a singer, piano player, girl, goth, writer [although i suck at writing]. I just dont know im stupid somtimes, i just dont know, am i just mean? i dont know i just dont know. i would rather be in a skirt then paints or shorts, id rather have the feel of being a girly girl than a guy.... id rather have lipstick.... i like woman's under clothes... i even like woman's pants better, maybe they just make them better, maybe i want to be a girl, maybe i just want attention, i dont know.

[Cassandra]

Hi Checkenmanfred,

Welcome to Susan's. You have a lot of questions and you have come to the right place. We have many young people here who share your pain and confusion. You will meet them and I'm sure many will be along to offer their greeting to you.

Let me start by syaing you are not alone. Many aspects of you intro remind me of myself when I was very young. From the time that I was five until around fiteen or so I used to pray that I would wake up a girl. That never happened. But in reality I already was it's just that my body didn't match. So I know exactly how you feel. Unfortunately for me there was no internet in those days. Computers were huge machines occupying whole buildings locked behind clean rooms and administered by men in white lab coats.

You have many advantages and resources open to you and you should make good use of them. There are many good people here. You will find good advice, and heartfelt support. You should go to the Wiki and read up on all the information there. This will be a great help to you. Be sure to read the site rules they are simple and easy to follow. Explore the many posts here you will find much that you will relate to.

Feel free to add your own comments or to start a new topic, even if the topic is a question. And most importantly, never, never, ever call yourself stupid again.  You are probably smarter than most of your peers. You found this place didn't you?

As too fear see my signature line below. So fix yourself a cup of tea or other age appropriate relaxing beverage, sit down, take your shoes off, and set a spell.

Good Journey,

Cassie

P.S. You might want to hold off on the emailing friends until you learn a little more about the consequences of coming out.

[Bdnewgirl]

Hello checkenmanfred
Welcome to Susan's. As Cassandra said you have a lot of questions and you have come to the right place.

Let me tell you a little about myself I am 41 and a CD who has not told anyone but the fine people here at Susan's. I too have come from a divorced home. My parents first divorced when I was around around age 6. I have not seen my real father since. My mother remarried and my stepfather adopted me and my brother, they in turned divorced when I was around 20.

Don't worry about the Goth thing we dressed like the brady bunch when I was a kid - now that was bad 

So anytime you fell alone, frustrated , or need advice or a shoulder to cry on let us know and the great people here will help.

Welcome to you new second home

Brandi

[chickenmanfred]

wow, you are all very nice.... this place has to be the best place ever known.... thank you Brandi for your response. LETS SING THE BRADY BUNCH! lol. Thanks for the welcome.... i dont want to be the only one taking advice but since im not a master at anything.... i dont know what to say. I hope the best for you.
Cassie, you seem like a good friend.... we have this in common in which i was to think i was the only one. you all seem talented when it comes to writing, but im not. i wont call myself stupid again just for you.. :-] thank you very much.

want a happy update?
the email already sent was view by my friend last night.... this person was my best friend.... she understands me and says that no matter what she will always be my best friend and care for me as who i am.... today i faced her in person and we hugged. I almost fell into tears but we were surrounded by everybody who didn't know and I had to keep it together and its just great to know after all the worry and all the panic of her not accepting me that she was still with me.... I got to go eat dinner.... im being called for.... Bye and thanks to ya!
Peace, love and toe nail clippings. Im top of the top cause the bottoms gone missing!

[Cassandra]

you all seem talented when it comes to writing, but im not

Good writing is just a matter of developing the proper skills. I recommend The Portable English Handbook by William Herman. Anyone can write well if they apply themselves. Creative writing, which is where real talent comes in, is another matter. Words are very powerfull. They can uplift or they can hurt. Developing good communication skills is essential to the task of writing. Hone your skills little sister. I look forward to reading your future posts.

Cassie

P.S. Have you given much thought to a name for yourself? Chickenmanfred is kind of long and doesn't sound very feminine.

[Peggiann]

Welcome here to Susan's Place,

You don't have to worry about if your gettng the point acroos or apologise for your writing. What you saying is very clear. You are able to get the picture out to us and that's what is important. This is the right place to come ofr all you seek in answers to the questions you are having. don't feel afraid to share her these people are very wise and compassionate in their responses.

I'm a mother of 3 sons and would recommend this site to any of them for reading and understanding others in the world around them. I think if youth were subjected more to this type of open discussion they would have a better understanding in the feelings of others.

That's a great freind you have, cherish that friendship.

As for your parents and not wanting to concern them. It won't matter. Their concern just comes with the territory of being a parent. Your moms questions are a hint to that. When you have enough information and understand better yourself and your feelings from readng here in the Wiki Pages and these forums you'll be better equipt to share what you are thinking with them. You maybe surprised to see how helpful and guiding a parent can be. You know them better and your relationship with them you'll know when timing is right to bring it up.

Smiles,
Peggiann

[chickenmanfred]

i guess none of this is really a problem, i know life is confusing, who doesnt know? i guess if all is all, i should just let go and not be so hard on myself.... im so glad to have such a good friend.... she is a gift from god to me.... i really do believe i have god on my side.... and i really do believe that as random of a fact of how we bumped into each other me and my friend, it has to be a sign from god.... i have faith that i am supose to try my best in life at some sort of thing i am unsure of. i dream so much and i mean more than the average person my age of dreaming.... and when i do things at the moment i always seem to regret but after looking back and putting it all together, i have done so much good so why every night do i cry from all of the bad if overall im doing good? im just going on and on at this point i really am just getting things off me, i dont need a reply. I just know that not one person has ever got in a fight with me or hate me for ive always kept from it. ive never got a detention, ive never been in a fight, im a black belt though, and its just compared to so many people of my age i never try to do bad.... ive always made good grades, ive been in advanced.... and im on here calling myself stupid. I have nothing to complain about. and this, this cross-dressing, yes i do it, i love it, i want to be this, i want to be it and nothing else, i really do, so why worry? i just want to say thanks i love this forum.
thanks Peggiann by the way, my friend is so wonderful lol. i have a person i know in real life that really knows me, so i dont feel so contained, and it just rocks....
HAMSTERS! lol

[HelenW]

Hey, Julie, how ya doin?

I felt alot of the same guilt and grief that you're expressing when I was a teen.  Your advantage is that you have this place to come to and also that you actually told someone and they accept you.  (I wasn't so lucky.  I got laughed at   A reaction much worse than anger or even disgust.)

You're probably dealing with alot of confusion right now and that's ok.  Nobody was ever born knowing everything.  If you have questions, ask!  After awhile, you'll get some experience under your belt and you'll know what to say and how to answer.  Practicing your writing will make it better, too.  Besides, it soesn't take much knowledge to be positive and to encourage people, which I know you'll do.  I can read your basic goodness between the lines of your post, so

Welcome!
helen

[Sophie]

Hi there Julie, I'm in a similar situation, to you, only genders reversed of course. Being on this forum has taught me, among other things, that everybody gets confused sometimes. It can be hard to relax, but if you do, eventually, answers to all those questions of yours will start becoming clearer to you.
I'm getting more sure of being FTM every day...



[edit]Age removed - Steph[/edit]

[chickenmanfred]

i did have a reply on here but it had violence so it made the peoples here mad.... they didnt do nothing though, i deleted it myself.... anyway im sorry.... i really wasnt trying to cause any problems... thanks to all the peoples who have replied....

[Dennis]

I don't think people were mad at you, chickenmanfred. I think they were just worried about you.

Dennis

[chickenmanfred]

thank you Dennis. Nice to be cared for but i dont want to worry others.... im sure its all passed over now.