Staying non-op as a binary trans woman?

[ThatgirlisNena]

I'm scared to go for SRS or FFS. It sounds strange but I'm happy with hormones only. They seam to make me feel better about myself. If I could have been born with a vagina I would choose that option but going through such a major surgery doesn't seam to be something for me. The thing is that I'm a straight binary woman. I'm scared that I will never find a regular, straight guy to love me if I don't go through SRS. I have crippling genital dysphoria but something tells me that I need to try to learn to live with it.

I don't know what to do. Chances are that if I stay non-op I will only attract trans-admirers or >-bleeped-<s. I want to just find a regular guy who doesn't care about my trans past.

I look androgynous and I love it. I am so grateful for my hormones that I get prescribed each month but I can't seam to be able to think myself saying to my gender counselor : " no thanks, no SRS for me " . Especially since it's covered where I live. When I think about getting GCS I think about finally being complete and being able to live my life as a cis woman. I want a family one day. Being able to be a mother and a wife.

I would be so much happier with a vagina then with a penis but I'm so scared for the operation. I'm scared of the dangers and of dialating. Of losing bone density post-op ,...

I don't know what to do.

I can't imagine having sex while including my penis. I hate looking at it, let alone accepting it

[AnonyMs]

If you want surgery and fear is stopping you, I think its not really a rational fear. The risks are low with a good surgeon, and there's little danger in dilating. Perhaps you can look into some ways of coping with your fear?

[Jacqueline]

You may confuse some of the people who are supporting you. However, surgery or not is your choice. You do what is right for you. I guess the question of surgery comes down to who is your transition for? If it is just fear that stops you, I am sure someone can help you beyond that. However, if you are happy where you are, why go further?

As far as finding a good person. That is a challenge for all people. There are some good people who are not >-bleeped-<s but it is like looking for your soul mate. Just wanting to find one doesn't make it happen; but, a fear of never meeting them and not trying means you never will.

I hope you get some good responses that will free you up to make a good choice for yourself.

I wish you love, acceptance and a smooth life.

With warmth,

Joanna

[cej]

The majority of trans people don't get surgery. Congrats, you're normal.

[Dena]

If fear is keeping you from surgery, that is something you should explore with a therapist. Surgical procedures and care have greatly improved over the years so it's now possible to have surgery and remember very little of what happened. If you fear isn't the reason, you can live a life with a companion. Yes it might be a little more difficult to find somebody who will treasure you but there are several site members who live the life you described. Fear can be overcome and when you know what you want, we will help you find it.

[ThatgirlisNena]

Hey Dena, honestly, yes it is fear that is keeping me away from SRS. I have never undergone surgery before and I'm scared to not awake  anymore and what also scares me is dilation. I'm scared for infections, scared that I will forget to dilate,... It's very hard to look at my body undressed and going to the toilet and being confronted with certain parts that I feel don't belong there is extremely painful but for some reason I'm scared for the recovery, for the surgery itself and for dilation. Another thing keeping me from having GRS is that I don't pass and as someone who doesn't pass I feel a bit weird about having the right parts of my target gender but not looking like my target gender. I think I could pass given enough time on hormones but for some reason or another I would feel better about having SRS at a time that I pass.

[Tessa James]

Hey Nena,

Concerns and even fears are reasonable in my book and they can also be addressed as you learn and grow along the way.  Initially I was not intending to even come out publicly but started transition to deal with dysphoria.  Transition is a major learning process and I learned more about myself than i anticipated.  My vague goals changed and i did have some surgery and still allow myself the option of more.

Regarding surgery, i had a 33 year career in anesthesia and consider your safety to be paramount to any successful surgical team.  I often told people that they had already gotten thru the most dangerous part of their process by driving here in a car.  There is no sense of time and it will seem like just a moment goes by.  You will be watched over every minute and will most likely awaken with relief and thirst, want some ice chips Hun?

[Dena]

I have been under about 7 times already and I still don't like it. I am a bundle of nerves before any surgical procedure. The truth is there is very little risk of dying in surgery and if you want, you can reduce the risk even more by selecting a surgeon who operates out of a major medical center where any support you might need is available. Yes, the cost might be a bit higher but the peace of mind will be worth it.

As for dilation, one or two missed sessions isn't the end of the world and after the first year or two, missed sessions are even less critical. The first month out of the hospital, I was supposed dilate 3 times a day but (long story) because of exhaustion I could only manage 2 a day. Fortunately it didn't cause a problem. After about 20 years of the once a week dilation, I was a bad girl and went 10 years without dilation. The first couple of months when I went back to dilation, the were well a bit uncomfortable but I was able to use my regular dilator and I still have the depth of about 6 inches.

As for pain, some people feel it more than others. The only pain medication I received was what they gave me while I was in surgery. Had I needed it, morphine was available and I only needed to ask for it. I have seen surgery here in Phoenix and a morphine pump is connected shortly after surgery and you are given a button that allows you to control your dosage. If you feel pain, you only need to press the button and you  can request up to the maximum permitted dosage. After a couple of days, the level of pain will drop to the point where mild or no medication is needed.

The decision is yours but in my case, the fear I had to deal with was well worth the price to get my surgery. From the first moment I woke up after surgery, I have never regretted my decision.

[AnonyMs]

I've been under general anaesthesia a bunch of times, with surgery twice. I found it's like flying, scared only the first time, and gets boring once your used to it.

[JoanneB]

GCS was never on any "Must Have" lists. A BA was and is about the only (OK also a tummy tuck) surgery I want. A nice full B to C is all I ever wanted. A full A to B of my own is still fantastic.

As I traveled along the road to happiness I made this observation. What makes me happy today. What fills my needs today. Even what I want today, is often not the same set of needs and wants from yesterday. As you grow and go through life what you may need or want is extremely likely to change. Few will remain over the course of a lifetime.

When I saw I needed to take on the Trans-Beast some 8 years now the ABSOLUTE last thing on my mind was any sort of a transition. Been there tried it twice decades ago. Both times utter fails. I needed new ways to deal with being trans and help loosing the ton of emotional baggage I collected over the decades. About 2 years later I was presenting as female for my therapist. I soon began living part time as female. More and more joy was filling my life as I slowly learned just who I am, not the who I thought I needed or was expected to be. In time No Way, No How am I even thinking of wanting a full social transition became "Hey, I can really do this.... if I needed to"

There have been MANY things about me as I slowly emerged from my deep state of denial of my true self and learn more and more who I am that have changed about me. One big one is my wife's worse fear, how I might feel sexually about guys. Another "Been there tried that" utter fails. Well they have become a LOT more desirable and arousing in real life and in my dreams. Even GCS is not totally out of the question these days.

I am still growing. I am still learning.

I am still being surprised

[laurenb]

My current plan is to remain non-op. I've had major surgery and while the procedure itself doesn't bother me, it's the recovery and possibility of infection that is my concern. I'm older, not sexual and in a stable romantic but non-sexual relationship so hetero-normative sex is not likely in the future. It's a trade-off. No risk of surgery for an ever vanishing thingy that I hardly think about these days.

BUT. As my therapist always says about all things transition related: You are in control of all of it. Move forward, stay put, back up - you're choice. So, when asked about the potential for SRS, I will always say that I reserve the right to change my mind at any time.

[Koroside]

I'm not having it cut off. I'm not dysphoric about my genitals, so I don't see the point.