Transition regrets and guilt

[Amoré]

Amore',
   I understand and sympathize with not seeing your daughter like you used to. That is very painful to deal with and I would feel exactly the same. It is the new reality brought about largely by the hostile reaction of your wife. She didn't have to stay with you as that is her legitimate choice, but the decision to make your relationship with your child hard was her doing. Her decision to be hostile is her choice.
   I know you are expressing your sadness in this post. I get it. It is good to have a place to get it out sometimes. I would just urge you to not let the sadness control the future for yourself and your child. She will very soon only know you as who you are now(female). I don't have many memories of being 3 years old. My question  is, do you want her memories of you at 6, 10, 14, 18 years of age to be of you as a sad regretful person or as a positive, happy, hopeful person? How she will feel about you later will not depend on how you acted when she was three, but how you act from this day forward.
   We each have our lives with our different set of highs and lows. I get on here sometimes and feel really bad about my life. It is natural for everyone sometimes. I try not to let it last long because I don't want it to dominate my life. When I post to others, I talk of being positive because the negative tends to bring about more negative. If you are consistently down, would it be possible to get help in dealing with it? There is nothing shameful in seeking help.
   I don't mean to sound preachy and I am not familiar with the details of your life. I saw your post and thought bad for what you are dealing with. I also thought that you need to get out of the negative cycle of how you view yourself. You don't deserve to feel this bad about yourself ! I am no expert but I have dealt with some depression in my life. Sometimes I have put one foot in front of another trying to go in a positive direction. Even though I didn't feel positive in my head, before I knew it, things were in a better place. I hope you make moves to get to a better place. I wish you the best, Hon!
Moni

Thank you for the good advice

[audreytn]

Then I start regretting my decision because I dwell on the past and think where am I missing something to fix the present so that I don't feel this pain.

I find myself getting up each day but knocked back down by depression, anxiety guild and regret. As if my ex knocking me down in the marriage when I came out as trans was not enough she still does it. The honest truth I am the hardest critic on myself I don't know if it is depression or what that makes me this way but I feel like the worst parent on earth and this is not my picture of life I wanted for my daughter.

I find myself in a constant tug of war internally with this issue of disgust with myself for what I have done and how it might influence her life. Only when she is older and understand will she be able to give me feedback on how she really feels for now she is only 3 years old and sees me as a hero that I feel I am not. 

the first step to all of this (especially the second paragraph in this)...you need to be active.

Sitting around thinking all the time and feeling sorry for yourself leads to darkness, despair, poor self-esteem, lack of confidence and so on and so forth.

I live in Colorado.  My best friends here are a pair of hiking boots and my own two feet.

When I get down, I grab my boots, my hiking pack and my camera and I go find a nice mountain trail and I go for a nice long hike. I immerse myself in the beauty of nature and its wonderful and indiscriminate existence.

Being out in nature brings perspective and clarity back to my life. It relieves the tension and anxiety and allows me to think clearly, rationally and logically again.

So, find SOMETHING you enjoy that doesnt cost anything and make it your go-to activity when you have these feelings and get down.

It can be an urban walk in the city, a hike in the mountains, it could be volunteering to help at boys and girls club, it could be photography (cell phone, point and shoot or a dslr if you have one), drawing, blogging, whatever fits you.  But it needs to be something you are passionate about that you can get lost in for hours and days. Something that uplifts you.

Once you start doing that, then you can move forward to goal setting, achieving objectives and coping and overcoming the various issues in your life. 

PM me if you need someone to talk to or have questions.