How to know if you like someone or just lonely?

[GrapeJuice]

Hi. I'm all out of support from friends and families, so this is the last place I can go to. I hope it will help me somehow I'm not sure if this is under the correct forum topic; can't find any that is specifically for relationship.

Anyway, a quick summary. I am FtM, pre-op and hormone. I have been friends with a girl for about 1-2 years now. Really good friends, support each other, etc. Some months ago, I had the crush feelings towards her and it was mutual. So we dated for a short while until my anxiety and reality hit me hard and I buckled over. I broke off. Then it was some very painful times of picking myself up until a few months ago, I had the courage to contact her again and now we're friends again. I thought I'll be fine now, we'll stay as friends and it's going to be fine. I have forced myself to push away those feelings, so it should be fine. But lately, I've been thinking about everything again and it's making me anxious and afraid again.

The reasons I broke off... I was afraid that I couldn't live up to her expectations. I was afraid that my feelings towards her was the result of me feeling lonely and grabbing onto what was in front of me. My best friend pointed that out and because I was so anxious, it got into my head and I can't get it out even until now. I was afraid of the sexual interaction in a relationship and this thought made me explore my sexuality again. I don't even know what my preference is. All these while I've been too busy dealing with my physical body that I was so sure that I'll never have any intimate relationship with anyone. So when the possibility appeared, I freaked out. I tried imagining if she was a boy, would it be any different? No. I've never really thought that I would like a girl, but it happened. I liked her for her character. I never even considered the intimate part.

My best friend also said that I'm already too busy finishing university and getting my adult life together, that this relationship only caused me more headaches. Partly true. I already have a lot to deal with in my own life but throughout the tough year, her presence made it a little easier. But it still doesn't change the fact that a relationship (not simple friendship) made my anxiety shoot to the roof.

So back to the present. I somehow managed to keep the friendship but sometimes, I see signs that maybe... she still likes me? I forced myself not to consider the possibilities by not returning the subtle flirts(?) I don't have the crush feelings anymore but I still think about her? I'm very confused with myself. I don't even know what I want; all of these confusions just keep on eating me. One thing I know is I don't want to hurt her anymore. Dating her and then breaking off without giving a detailed explanation... I was so selfish and a jerk. So whatever feelings or thoughts I have now... I'm afraid they are because of the loneliness I had that time and the fact that she's still around me. I'm afraid that I'm not genuine. I don't want to lead her on again. Yet when I imagine she finding someone else, I get the pain in my chest. Some days ago, I had a dream where she texted me saying she has a girlfriend. In the dream, I clearly felt my world crashing and I had trouble typing my reply of "Do you like her?" and in the dream, I thought if she answered 'yes' I would truly give up on her. But I woke up before I could find out the answer...

Friends and families aside, I was left with the internet for help. I read articles and websites trying to figure out if my feelings for her was real or just loneliness. I tried the few common suggestions. Think back on how it first started: I don't know how or when I had the crush on her, it just happened along the way. Do you talk everyday: yes, most of the time unless one of us is out of town or something. Do you think of her when you're elsewhere: sometimes. I'm a practical person, so when I'm working, I am focused. But when I'm not doing anything, I sometimes think of her.

All the answers seem to lead to "yes, I like her." But I'm still afraid, so very anxious. Maybe it's because I'm very conscious of my body and the things I can't give her that a cis-man can. Maybe it's because I've hurt her once and I don't want to repeat the same mistake. Sometimes I imagine myself as a cis-man and going out with her. It'll be a good life, a happy ending but it's only a picture of her with someone else, not me.

So here we are. Me, still in utter confusion and forcing myself not to make unnecessary moves towards her. I had hoped that  pushing aside those crush feelings would make things easier to deal with but the thoughts have returned to haunt me. There are many things I didn't tell her, such as these anxieties. They make me seem weak and I didn't want her to see that side of me. On hindsight, I shouldn't have done that. I should have put more trust on her and work with her. But I didn't because I was too afraid.

I truly do not know what I want to hear from you all. Advice? Answers? I don't know. Maybe I just need to let it all out, but at the same time I want to do something about all these confusions. What, I don't know. I'm at a loss. The stupid thing is, I know that I could have just tell her all of these and ask for her opinion because she is the one this is about. But I don't want to risk the friendship.

I'm very lost and confused. I don't know what to do.

[Jacqueline]

Hi,

Welcome to the site.

I am so sorry for how lost you must feel. I am not specialist about relationships (even though I have been married for over 25 years). All I can ever suggest is that communication has been the key that keeps my relationship going. However, you are trying to get this one going... It is all scary. Things of the heart. Usually,we trans folks are so used to hiding who we really are and what we say that it makes it harder.

Everything you say makes me think you are really into her. She seemed to like you before... maybe you can suggest getting together again. Then explain your fear and reasons you broke up before? Yeah, so scary and no sure thing but that is how life works. My wife of 25 years never would have thought that after all that time she would become married to a woman. Not sure it will continue as my transition does but more thiings that are unsure...

Can I ask if you are seeing a therapist? You have been exploring your identity without much of a thought to the sexual component. Gender therapists can help guide you one the way to transitioning and what that means or what possibilities there are(that we don't always see).

I am sorry to hear about your family, too. I hope you can find the help and support you need here.

I also want to share some links with you. They are mostly welcome information and the rules that govern the site. If you have not had a chance to look through them, please take a moment to:

Things that you should read

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
• Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
  
• Reputation rules
  
• News posting & quoting guidelines
  
• Photo, avatars, and signature images policy
  

Once again, welcome to Susan's. Look around, ask questions and join in.

With warmth,

Joanna

I hope you don't mind. I am going to move your topic to introductions. I think you might get more hits there.

[GrapeJuice]

Hi Joanna

Thank you for your kind reply and moving the topic to a better section.
I have not been to a gender therapist before because I thought that I'm well aware of my identity... guess I'm a little off regarding sexuality. I might look into seeing one if needed, though I'm very nervous of talking all about this to someone in person.

Asking her if we could try again, and explaining everything seems like the logical way but the fear of ruining the friendship is even greater I agree that we all are so used to hiding everything, and that's making it hard to come up and tell someone all about it. I just don't know how to face this issue. I want to try, but I'm so afraid of messing it up because I'm very unsure of everything.

[Floof]

Hi and welcome.

Relationships are hard, I'm a total love life failure! I will offer my thoughts regardless, keeping in mind my poor track record . I know its a major and difficult thing, but it may help you a whole lot to talk things out with her. It seems you have a reasonably close relationship -one not above talking about personal feelings-, so explaining to her why you so suddenly broke it off and explain why you are uncertain and afraid of what you are feeling I think would do you and your relationship with her good. Perhaps don't push for getting back together right away, but try to make her understand where you are coming from.

I would absolutely join Joanna in -strongly- suggesting you see a therapist, it has been a huge help for me during my transition so far and has made my emotions and feelings much more clear to me. There's always a bit of a barrier to talking with someone about these things.. But i genuinely think it would do you good.

Best of luck in life and in love <3

[Jacqueline]

Hi again,

I just wanted to clarify. The gender therapist is not really about how you feel about your own gender(well, it can be but it still ends up being up to you- they don't or shouldn't tell you who or what you are). They should only guide you through the process of approaching your gender(do you want to do anything?).

I find they help you clarify and prioritize things. In this case they may be able to help you look at the romantic/sexual side of you in a different way.

Just a suggestion.

With warmth,

Joanna

[Jackie S]

Welcome to the site, GrapeJuice. You will find friendly, supportive people here.

One thing I'm not quite clear about from your post is if your crush/friend knows that you are FTM? How much she knows about you can make all the difference in how you might approach things with her and what you might cover.

Hugs,
Jackie

[stacys]

Hi GrapeJuice,

I should be the last person to give advice on relationships - I've recently pretty much resolved myself to friendships only. You are going through sooooo much right now, I can only imagine how overwhelming all of this is for you!

I do know that something like this will eat you up; and it's often MUCH less painful in the long run to get things off your chest; you friend sounds very supportive, and you too sound very close, how do you REALLY think she would react to explaining to her your fears and anxieties?

Most of my relationship mistakes were putting the marriage before the date; I worried too much about the happily ever after that I overlooked the little things I could or should be doing with my partner to just enjoy the happily now. I guess I am saying, baby steps?

[V M]

Hi GrapeJuice 

Welcome to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

[GrapeJuice]

Thank you so much for all the kind replies.

Floof and Joanna: Yes, I agree that talking to her would be very helpful but that's what I'm afraid of. I'm very nervous talking about my feelings and fears But as both of you suggested, I have made an appointment with a counselor. Not really a specialist therapist, but I'll start small. We'll see how it goes...

Jackie S: Thank you for the warm welcome. Yes, she knows I am FtM but we've never really talked about it. I just told her I'm transgender and she says okay. She always refers to me with the male pronoun and the whole 'transgender subject' never came up in our conversations. She definitely respects it that's why she doesn't pry; she says that I don't have to force myself to say anything if I'm uncomfortable with it, so I've never talked about it.

Stacys: I've always believed that I'll only have friendships so this whole thing is just out of my plan It does eat you up! I'm currently at a loss. I'm almost quite sure that she will listen and understand (or try to understand) my fears and anxieties, but it's these fears and anxieties that are stopping me from telling her all about it. It's full circle again... I think I made the same mistake by worrying too much of the happily ever after too. All of my anxieties are about the future and what I can and cannot do. I got so worked up that I broke down. I really should take it slow...

V M: Hello. Thank you for the warm welcome.

[Fresas con Nata]

Floof and Joanna: Yes, I agree that talking to her would be very helpful but that's what I'm afraid of. I'm very nervous talking about my feelings and fears

[...]

I'm almost quite sure that she will listen and understand (or try to understand) my fears and anxieties, but it's these fears and anxieties that are stopping me from telling her all about it. It's full circle again...

My standard advice here is to write down whatever you'd like to tell her, then meet and read it to her. You will have time to choose the correct words and expressing your ideas in the correct order. A back up plan would be, write something, meet and let her read it—easier for you but she may not see the same exact picture.

[GrapeJuice]

Hello. So it didn't work out

I did go to a counselor but it didn't go well. We talked about what I was going through, sounds alright but I noticed that the counsenor wasn't that well-versed with LGBT (she had to ask me what pansexual meant) and at some point I felt as though she wasn't taking me seriously. When I talked about my relationship, she pretty much (strongly) suggested not to pursue it, even gave me advice on how to ignore it. When we briefly talked about my university and work related things, she sounded more enthusiastic. I did mention my confusion about my sexuality. She never touched the topic.

So I left the session feeling mad and disappointed. All I learned at least was that I had to either face it or ignore it. I chose to face it because I'm a fighter and I'm sick of ignoring this thing. I typed up everything I wanted to say, sent it to the girl and she said she had never stopped liking me. Good? It gets worse from here. Initially I was so sure I was going to be rejected so I had prepared myself for it. But her answer was different. So we sorta test the waters here and there, nothing too drastic, still similar to just friends... until my best friend called Anxiety came knocking and I broke down so fast I didn't even have time to think it through. I repeated the same mistake. I said maybe I'm just mistaking this friendship for something more. Maybe it's because she treated me with kindness. She said it's fine if I liked her because of kindness but I can't make myself believe so. I'm so afraid again. I said maybe we should stop this relationship, I can't give her what she wants. Before we started, I told her that if I showed signs of running away, for her to please stop me and don't let me go. I was obviously going to run. She didn't stop me. She let me go with the words that if that's my choice, if that makes me comfortable, she wouldn't argue.

I felt dumbfounded, lost, betrayed. I had specifically told her that I'm afraid of many things, that I get anxious, that please stop me somehow. Convince me, yell at me. But she didn't. Why? Because she's kind? A good person who wouldn't force another?

I hurt her again. I trusted that she would somehow stop me. But I was left to run away and it just felt so...awful. what fighter? I'm no fighter. I'm a coward. I've always been the strong person in my group of friends, the logical one, the support. But when I break down I had no one. They already had the expectation that I'm very strong and smart, that I'll do just fine and because of that when I needed someone to hold my back, there was no one. I'm the last one standing. I'm the only pillar. I thought by confiding in her and telling her to stop me, I thought she would take it seriously and stop me. I felt so utterly betrayed that I have no one watching my back. It feels lonely. So alone.

My best friends and family didn't support my relationship. Hell when I talked about the Idea of surgery, my parents were adamant that I shouldn't have them. I feel as though I'm the only person in the world. At this point I don't even know if I like her or if it was all just a delusion. She says she likes me but she doesn't do anything to make me stay. Both times, she simply let me go without any sort of question. When you like someone do you simply let them go because they're afraid?? When you like someone, would you fight to keep them around? If I have run away twice, does that mean I don't really like her enough, to fight myself and my anxiety to keep her? I don't know anymore.

I might have lost an important friend, but who really are my friends anymore when I'm so alone?

[Michelle_P]

GrapeJuice, I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through all of this.

It may be time to find an actual therapist, preferably a gender therapist, rather than a counselor.  That counselor sounds like someone who could be helpful with a problem in school or perhaps the workplace, but not much beyond those.  A good therapist should be able to help you process all that you are going through, aiding you in organizing your thoughts and working out your feelings.  Ignoring issues of sexuality is not a sign of a good therapist!

Your friend may be a bit put off by the way you are expressing yourself while in the grip of anxiety.  I've seen this many times with my own daughter. Anxiety causes us to overthink situations and overreact.  Again, a good therapist could be helpful for you.

I realize I may sound a bit repetitive here, but I'd like you to be able to improve your situation and make some progress for yourself, and as you said, right now you may be feeling a bit lost.  Remember that at the very least, you've got some sympathetic ears here at Susan's, and we would like to help you out in whatever small ways we can.

[Floof]

I have to agree with Michelle, a therapist is absolutely advisable -I would go so far as to say you truly need one. You have some very serious thoughts and feelings to work through, and doing so with a professional could  be a great help to you.

I hope you can work this out <3