We had 'the talk'

[Berliegh]

I can't speak for others but myself here. Due to a same sex person rape ( as I have mentioned through other threads) my mind worked overtime (subconciously) to supress my ISism down to the point I didn't really know it existed, even controlling my estrogen - ah the mind is a mystery and weird thingy isn't it? So when I married I honestly didn't deceive my wife, at least not intentionally. It was only over the years of our marriage that I knew something was wrong. The more my mind supressed my true self so to did it supress some of my charecteristics, which caused great frustrations in me-knowing I am changing but not knowing why or how to stop it. I also knew I was trying to be like other guys around me but didn't know why or how to stop it. But once my mind couldn't go any further in this contoll and I realized who I was, all the characteristics that are natural to me and my wife adored when we dated came flowing back quickly and the person she really married was alive again to stay. And my estrogen did what it was always suppose to. Yes, I know my story is different from most but all I know is that all is much better in our marriage and happiness is abound for us. I guess I would make a good science experiment someday but they have to catch me first!!lol
                                                                                  Kim  

You seem to put a lot of enphasis on estrogen......which I don't understand why? I was also raped as well when I was 17......but I managed to fight the man off before it got too graphic..

[Traverse]

I'm really sorry about your situation, lisbeth. I can't imagine how hard it is.


Berleigh: Well.. I *did* try to conform to parental and social norms. Which is probably why I'm gynesexual(not a fan of the lesbian term for us). I went into my own relationship pushing away my gender issues in hopes that they'd go away. I also went into it *thinking* there was nothing that could be done about it anyways. Now, a year later, I've dropped the bomb on my girlfriend. It could have been another 2, which is when we were planning on getting married. Or another 10, when we would have children.

We're both victims here. We both love and are heavily attracted to eachother right now. She's beautiful, a hell of a lot of fun, funny, intelligent, and the sex is amazing. I'm also a very good partner (though poor at the moment) for her. We just compliment eachother in so many ways. The gender roles have always been mixed in our relationship; she hates foreplay and I love it, she spoons me, she's aggressive and I'm passive, ect. But now she's not sure what she is (lesbian or not) and keeps hinting that she loves my male bits (yet, plays with my breasts..). I'm about to start HRT soon and I'm scared to death to lose her, but I'm also scared to death to lose my mind if I don't do HRT.

So yeah.. it's not fair to anyone in a relationship where one is coming to terms with being transgendered. It's hard. Not everyone has had the experience in life leading up to a) knowing you're trans and want to transition and/or b) not being scared to death of other people knowing.

[Kim]

You seem to put a lot of enphasis on estrogen......which I don't understand why? I was also raped as well when I was 17......but I managed to fight the man off before it got too graphic..

First off I only mentioned it twice. I was only pointing out how far my mind went in the supression and secondly to show how things recovered after it let go. I'm glad you escaped your rape. I used to be a cheap drunk so between that and a rough voyage over to my uncles I passed out while waiting for him to return home. When I awoke I was cuffed to the damn bed so escape was not an option. I was tortured and raped for over 3 hours. Enough now to explain my mind doing weird circus tricks or no?? One must read the whole post before replying as I never linked my rape and my estrogen together, just why my mind flipped my life into high flips and down slopes like a rollercoaster. Trust me, anyone who is not bounded will instinctly have their fight or flight mechinism kick in and do everything to survive-estrogen or not.

[Berliegh]

I know I'm on my own here and most transsexuals? on the forum seem to be married or used to be married. I do sometimes feel as though I've come from a totally different planet. I do disagree with folk a lot of the time but there are the occasional few people like me who stick to the road they were on right from the start...

[Kate]

there are the occasional few people like me who stick to the road they were on right from the start...

Getting married doesn't mean someone didn't "stick to the road." It may not have been YOUR road, but it was ours. We each walk our own path to get where we need to be.

~Kate~

[Susan]

All we can hope is that your relationship morphs into something that is wonderful for all of you. Just don't let the seperation be the end, just a new beginning.

[Berliegh]

there are the occasional few people like me who stick to the road they were on right from the start...

Getting married doesn't mean someone didn't "stick to the road." It may not have been YOUR road, but it was ours. We each walk our own path to get where we need to be.

~Kate~

Yes, but during that process people get hurt and feel mislead and betrayed.....
Kate, you must not put me down because I did not want to experience that lifestyle.
There is no right or wrong solution in life but I hope things work out for all who are in a married sinario...

[Enigma]

Yes, but during that process people get hurt and feel mislead and betrayed.....

Whether we transition at 8 or 80, the same is true not only for us, but for our families as well.  No matter when or how its done this is a painful process and really requires nearly everyone in our lives to "transition" on some level.

And to discredit someone's marriage as simply hiding from the truth is hurtful to both parties.

[Lisbeth]

Please, do not anyone feel sorry for me.  I came out to her ten years ago, went full-time almost six years ago, have been on HRT for 2 1/2 years.  There aren't any surprises in this happening now. 

I understand hon.  But I always had a little hope that maybe she would become as understanding as my "D".  We both know someone who's wife was always saying "If you (insert next step in transition) I'm leaving" and they are still together.  Her wife even accompanied her to Montreal if you remember.  So I'll still hold out hope even if it's hopeless.

Anyway, you know where I am and you've got my number if you ever need a shoulder or even just someone to chat with.

Hugs,
Beverly

Indeed.  We both know that story well.  But that was their story.  This is mine.  I know you are there for me.  Give my best to Dee.

Seriously why get married? with the intention that later you will transition and hurt the person you marry?

You seriously presume too much in your statement.  I will not bother to elaborate.

I resent the implications in all this, painting a picture of all married TSs as selfish, uncaring, male-life-loving cruel people. You've made it *abundantly* clear in many other marriage threads as well that you don't accept or believe the many explanations you've been given. I don't know what more to offer you.

~Kate~

In particular the willingness to attack a person when they are at a low point in their life.

All we can hope is that your relationship morphs into something that is wonderful for all of you. Just don't let the seperation be the end, just a new beginning.

I think it will.  We were best friends long before we became lovers and spouses and parents.  We seem to be ending as friends again.  Perhaps best girlfriends who share a long common history.

[louise000]

Seriously why get married? with the intention that later you will transition and hurt the person you marry? I didn't get married on the basis that I knew I was transsexual and I didn't want to dress or look like a man or walk down the isle as a man....

Some women may feel hurt and decieved that the 'man' they married is not really a man at all and they have been decieved for many years. To me that's not honest and I can't see why people don't come 'out' at the start, before they get married.....it would save a lot of heartache..

I do have a lot of sympathy for those in this situation but it is to a certain extent self created. Those women who stick by their husbands who later decide to transition are extreamely tolerent and understanding and they too may face the same ridiclule and prejiduces...

Am I wrong to stick to my beliefs and have enough repect not to drag someone through that awful situation. I don't believe in the inforced conditioning.... 'I tried to conform'' arguement or the age factor as I grew up in the 70's and 80's.....I know I'm in the minority..

Yes, you are right, it's not honest. And I admire you for being true to yourself.
Louise

[Lisbeth]

Well, I'm glad to hear your assessment of my honesty, and I think I'll just go away now and leave you to your self-righteousness.  I have enough pain in my life without letting people rub salt into my wounds.

[louise000]

Well, I'm glad to hear your assessment of my honesty, and I think I'll just go away now and leave you to your self-righteousness.  I have enough pain in my life without letting people rub salt into my wounds.

I think maybe Berleigh's comments may have been in answer to what I said about my own life and I responded by accepting what she was saying insofar as it relates to my own decisions in the past regarding marriage and that it had been "dishonest" for me to marry knowing that deep down I didn't want to be male. My reply to Berleigh's comments were in no way meant to offend you. In any case I think maybe we strayed way off topic and I apologise to you Lisbeth. Believe me I had no wish to add to your pain.
Louise

[Kim]

Ok, for what it's worth I agree we got strayed here too. I re-read the posts and feel we need to realize something. We all have our own opinions and have a right to voice as such, afterall we are humans. However, and this isn't the first time I seen this happen, we need to realize we are here to support and help each other. We don't need to force our opinions down each other's throats. We have enough problems being embattled and belittled by members of society that we don't need the pain of members of our community turning on each other. Let's just say we agree to disagree and leave it at that, please.
       Kim