What's Going On?

[MaijaS]

I'm 57 years old.  I've been crossdressing forever.  I've had my struggles with this identity over time but ultimately  I'm comfortable with crossdressing.  I enjoy crossdressing.

Last week I was going about my normal day activities and I had a thought which came to me like a revelation.  I had the thought that I want to present myself as a woman full time.  I don't know where this thought came from.  But as i examined this thought I knew it was true.  As I think more about it the idea takes on more truth.  It is who I want to be.

As I reflect upon this idea, upon this big potential change, I notice some things have been evolving over the last year or so. Some changes I have realized are:

I'm dressing more frequently.
I want to dress more frequently.
I'm buying clothing much more often.
For the first time I have shaved my body.
I examine women from a woman's point of view.  She has a cute skirt.  I like her hair. etc.
At work my relationships with women are more interesting and meaningful than my relationships with men.
Crossdressing makes me feel right.

Further reflection about my youth.  I had those thoughts as a boy that I wanted to be a girl.  Now I realized that those thoughts were buried pretty deeply. 

So I ask, What's going on?  What do I need to do? 

[Rambler]

Hi Maija,

Congratulations on working toward realizing your true self! Coming here is a pretty great first step after admitting this all to yourself. I suggest doing some research and find someone to talk to in your area to figure out where to go from here. This can be a very confusing time for anyone who is seriously questioning their gender but for me, finding a counselor  who knows about gender identity issues to talk out my desires and feelings really helped me to get over the first hurdles, arrange my thoughts together cohesively, and to help me not only see, but start laying a path forward on this journey. Everyone is different and you may feel as though you don't need to speak to a professional at all, but regardless of how much it might help, it absolutely can't hurt!

[Hope springs]

  Crossdressers call this the pink fog. Its periods of time where they really want to be dressed full time. If your not trans then this feeling will subside. If not presenting full time causes depression and anxiety then you may be trans. Everyone has a femme side and crossdressers like to explore it. So viewing things from a feminine perspective is common for dressers. However, if you start to think, act and dress as female and this seems like a lifestyle instead of an individual event then id suggest therapy.
 

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. We have a mix of people on this site who are transgender to some degree or another. Some are comfortable with part time cross dressing while other need full time or a full transition. Many of the older members have spend a life time suppressing their feelings and either the pressure has built to the point they need to deal with it or their ability to resist has decreased.

The one thing that's best to avoid is a purge. If you try to put your feelings back on the shelf, they will only return stronger next time. I suggest you seek out a good gender therapist and explore these feelings as you might want to decide between continuing as you are or moving toward a full time life. In the end, the decision will be yours and nobody else can make it for you.

We issue to all new members the following links so you will best be able to use the web site.

Things that you should read

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
• Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
  
• Reputation rules
  
• News posting & quoting guidelines
  
• Photo, avatars, and signature images policy
  

[MaijaS]

  Crossdressers call this the pink fog. Its periods of time where they really want to be dressed full time. If your not trans then this feeling will subside. If not presenting full time causes depression and anxiety then you may be trans. Everyone has a femme side and crossdressers like to explore it. So viewing things from a feminine perspective is common for dressers. However, if you start to think, act and dress as female and this seems like a lifestyle instead of an individual event then id suggest therapy.

I don't feel depressed at all.  I feel more liberated than anything.  But at the same time I wonder where did this thought come from? Can I trust what I'm thinking?

[Sno]

*welcome*

IAs I reflect upon this idea, upon this big potential change, I notice some things have been evolving over the last year or so. Some changes I have realized are:
...
For the first time I have shaved my body.
...
I examine women from a woman's point of view.  She has a cute skirt.  I like her hair. etc.
...
At work my relationships with women are more interesting and meaningful than my relationships with men.
...
Dressing makes me feel right.
...
Further reflection about my youth.  I had those thoughts as a boy that I wanted to be a girl.

Maija, you'll explore lots of this with a good therapist, and what ever the outcome, you're here at Susan's, and we're good at listening and that is a great place to start.

Parts of your post resonate strongly with me, as they are in part a reflection of my journey - simple deeds that *made no sense* within our traditional gender role, or with the gender binoculars on, but just made someone deep inside very happy indeed - they felt right.

One part in particular though, is highly insightful - that you examine women from a woman's point of view. It's what started my personal journey, the continuous accusation that I should 'stop being such a girl', or 'you think like a girl' - in part my realising that I was looking at the world from a female perspective.

To me, it's sounding like an Ah-ha moment, but time will tell, but please, get a professional on board, and have a good long chat

Rowan

[MaijaS]

Thanks for your words and your validation. 

I am researching therapists in my local area. I do need someone to talk to.  I feel my life has been turn upside down. 

Just a few days ago I was living the life of a "perfectly adjusted" crossdresser.  I was Maija part time and that was good.  Now, for some reason, I need to be Maija full time.   How does this happen?

[JoanneB]

I don't feel depressed at all.  I feel more liberated than anything.  But at the same time I wonder where did this thought come from? Can I trust what I'm thinking?

The "Fog" comes about from issues and/or events totally unrelated to the CDing. It could be something as unexpected as a mid-life crises. You reach back into you old bag of tricks for some sort of relief or escape from the negative energy haunting you, someting like CDing, and Viola. A smile comes to your heart.

I've been there MANY times over my nearly 50 years of CDing.

To quote my wife "No Sane Person Wants to be a 50 Year Old Woman", followed by a laundry list of very valid reasons why. (A corollary is No Sane Person Wants to be Trans) For nearly 50 years I used the CDing as my emergency escape pod. I already had 2 utter failed transition experiments under my belt, back in my very early 20's. At 6ft tall, balding since 14, big everything, deeper then average voice and totally filled with Shame, Guilt and Internalized Transphobia my total lack of being emotionally prepared doomed me from the outset. I never shook that Some Guy in a Dress feeling when out. Especially when the odd looks or worse started.

Coming here to compare your feelings to others, to ask questions, to explore is a good start. Even better is one-on-one, as in going to a TG Support Group meeting. I was totally floored during and days after my first meeting. By the end of the third I knew it was maybe too late to tell my wife what was up and still stand a chance of saving the relationship. If you live near a biggish metro area you are likely to find a support group nearby. (for me 'nearby' was 90 miles). There may also be a for real Gender Therapist or gender clinic with therapists who really know TG. While the Psychology Today doc-find is a good start, many seem to check off "gender issues" because they once had a class in it.

Only you can truly know what it is you need to do to be happy. Transition is not an easy undertaking and involves many real and perceived risks. Again, only you can know that the potential losses outweigh the potential benefits of transition. An issue I constantly wrestle with. I want to, I don't NEED to...today. Some days I have my dark moods and feel I need to. Luckily they still pass soon enough. For now HRT, my support group, my therapist, and especially my BFF, reality therapist, soulmate and wife allow me to keep the balance I need to.