Insecurities when dating as a trans woman

[ThatgirlisNena]

Hi everyone,

tommorrow is valentines day and I am a little sad when I see all the cis girls my age having cute boyfriends while I am even too self conscious to leave the house.
I look androgynous at best, am not beautiful or pretty. Decent at most.
Am I not trying hard enough to find a boyfriend? Am I overcritical about myself?
Each time I meet a guy I like I'm thinking to myself that there are tons of girls out there who probably like him as much as I do. Why would he choose a trans girl who looks androgynous at best over a cis girl who looks super feminine, way cuter than I and who has a womb?
I'm pre-op which decreases my chances to find a guy for a long term relationship significantly.

My personality traits are  : Sensitive. Nurturing. Love driven instead of sex driven. Fragile ( I really really need warmth and protection.

Where did you find love as a trans person? I would love to hear hope giving stories from people who found love after struggles.

Tommorrow it's valentines day and I could cry and roll up in a ball that no one will think about me
Could use some encouragement.

[Devlyn]

Big hug! PT Barnum said there's an ass for every seat. We all have a soul mate out there somewhere.

If you're not leaving the house, I'm going to have to say you aren't trying hard enough. You'll never meet anyone that way, never mind Prince Charming.    Get out and interact with people!

Tomorrow, go out and buy yourself flowers or chocolates. Because you deserve it. If you don't like chocolate, buy it anyway and send it to me!

Happy Valentine's Day!

Hugs, Devlyn

[Floof]

Hang in there!

I know how you feel.. My very first post on this forum was asking for dating advice! I feel very lonely lately; haven't had a gf or bf for 6 years now.. And most of my friends are beginning to have a permanent partner they spend time with, leaving me feeling alone and isolated a lot of the time!

Downloaded tinder a couple weeks ago, but I only had it open for about 10 seconds before I panicked and closed it down.. I'm not brave enough to put myself out there as a transwoman and explain to everyone that I am pre-op, just started HRT 3 months ago and will undergo some serious and drastic changes in the next few years..

No advice to offer.. But I'm gona keep an eye on this thread for what others have to say! If nobody kewt and awesome does you the courtesy today, I'll step up and feel like I too had a valentines of sort

[Rhonda333]

That girl- I too know how you feel but staying home is just not the solution. There is medical help available. Study yourself naked in the mirror. What do you need first. Facial fem surgery?? Breast augmentation (this is a real confidence booster], or perhaps a butt lift like I had done. Sorry to be so brutally honest but there is just so much that HRT can accomplish specially in an adult man. You should avail yourself to a good make up person. They can create wonderful illusions. Finally, don't worry about not having a vagina. You can make love the way women make love to each other. There is a man for every TS and some of them are looking for a TS over cis women. Google "transexual dating" and you will see.

[RobynD]

While confidence in yourself is pretty darn important, the catch 22 of things is that getting out there and doing the activity builds that confidence.  There are a lot of people out there and looks is just one part of the overall picture. Make a lot of friends, be sweet and supportive to them and people will be attracted to you.

The guy i am seeing at present-  i would have never guessed in a 100 years would have been attracted to me or picked me to hang out with, but he did and the relationship is pretty intense. Part of it is i sort of pursued him too even though i had no real thoughts that we'd be anything but friends, but out of the idea of practice i decided to turn on the charm and flirting and he responded.

Rejection or fear of rejection can be draining at times and make us just want to stay home and watch netflix, but dating is work like all relationships.

[Translady]

It's true that it is really difficult. It's also true though that there are men and females and other transsexuals that are interested in dating ladies like us. It takes time and effort though. For me, I made the choice to go further with my transitioning, such as increasing my estrogen. I'm more dedicated to feminisation. I always had femininity about me and I'm the same as ever on the inside, though I do feel much more confident with my physical femininity as I get older and treat myself more to makeovers and subtle enhancement.

[Translady]

That's true there are many prospective dating partners out there, it's mostly about getting out there and yes since relationships do take work you have to put in the effort.

[DebbySoufflage]

In the beginning I used to be very insecure as well.
But as time on hormones passes and you start to look more and more cis and as you start living fulltime and get clocked less and less, dating becomes just like dating for every woman.

I don't feel like my dating life is all that different from a cis woman's dating life.
I don't mention in my bio that I'm trans these days on dating sites. I tell after the 3rd or 4th date and I come out by email, after I can gauge their reaction. I plan this meticulously.

8 out of 10 times the guy doesn't even care that I'm trans.
1 out of 1 guys backs out because they can't deal with me being trans.
1 out of 1 guys backs out because I am non-op and have no vagina.

The other 80 percent wants to give it a try.

Out of that 80% about 35 percent is longterm quality dating material.

It usually ends because I'm a bit superficial when it comes to physical appearence.

[Julia1996]

I had a lot of insecurities about dating after I transitioned. In fact after one bad experience with a guy I had intended not even to try dating until after SRS. Basically I had been dating this guy for about 3 weeks and I really liked him. So I had "the talk" with him. He told me that he didn't want to keep dating me because I was a "dude" and that it didn't matter how pretty I was I still had "a dick swinging between my legs". But soon after I met Tristan and ended up dating him and thankfully he was accepting of me being trans. I was still very insecure because Tristan had done some modeling in Australia and had also done some stripping when he was still in paramedic school. My mom really didn't help. She said Tristan was so nice looking that she couldn't imagine what he wanted with me considering my limitations compared to a "real" girl. Then when I saw his former girlfriend that really made me feel insecure. She was very tall, blonde, tan, very large breasts,  just everything I'm not. I lost a lot of my insecurities after my mom moved out of the house. For the most part I lost the rest of my insecurities when Tristan asked me to marry him. There are much prettier women than me all over Denver. But he asked me to marry him so he must be happy with me and my looks. Though I do still feel inadequate sometimes when I see a  beautiful tall, tan women. Just because I can never be those things.

[DebbySoufflage]

I had a lot of insecurities about dating after I transitioned. In fact after one bad experience with a guy I had intended not even to try dating until after SRS. Basically I had been dating this guy for about 3 weeks and I really liked him. So I had "the talk" with him. He told me that he didn't want to keep dating me because I was a "dude" and that it didn't matter how pretty I was I still had "a dick swinging between my legs". But soon after I met Tristan and ended up dating him and thankfully he was accepting of me being trans. I was still very insecure because Tristan had done some modeling in Australia and had also done some stripping when he was still in paramedic school. My mom really didn't help. She said Tristan was so nice looking that she couldn't imagine what he wanted with me considering my limitations compared to a "real" girl. Then when I saw his former girlfriend that really made me feel insecure. She was very tall, blonde, tan, very large breasts,  just everything I'm not. I lost a lot of my insecurities after my mom moved out of the house. For the most part I lost the rest of my insecurities when Tristan asked me to marry him. There are much prettier women than me all over Denver. But he asked me to marry him so he must be happy with me and my looks. Though I do still feel inadequate sometimes when I see a  beautiful tall, tan women. Just because I can never be those things.

I see that it comes up in quite a lot of your comments that you are insecure about your looks.
Have you thought about therapy to talk with someone about that?
Psychologists can help you manage your insecurity.
I was insecure before transitioning and it consumed my life, it was hell. Now that I'm completely transitioned it's gone however. But when it doesn't go away, I advice people to see a therapist about it.
You are still young and if untreated this can get worse as you get older.
Someone who is trained to listen to your concerns can help you find out where they come from.
From your comment for example, it looks like you have a bad connection with your mother. This is also a reason that can fuel people's insecurities.

Whatever you decide, I hope you manage to find peace with yourself. Everyone deserves happiness.

Luv,
Debby